Posts by Chris Collins

US tech industry loses quarter of a million jobs

Here here.

Sieg Heil, fellow nazi. I came here to say this.

Virgin Media boasts more subscribers and more losses

Here here

Their CS department in Wales is fucking wank, as well. I think they're expensive if you take into account the throttling. Who the fuck needs 50 Mb/s at home, for 50 quid a month? That's a whole night on the pop. My mate hit his limits quite easily on the 20 when we were trying to track down some stuff.

Brit astrophysical model scoops £1.1m at poker

Poke 'er

Your link seems to point mainly to Christy Hemme, rather than Liv Boeree, judging by my extensive research on the interweb. One of them has to lean a lot farther forwards to see their cards.

The iPad will doom humanity to painful bog-roll horror

glass paper

Our office cunningly combines microfine paper leafs with the swarf to create an insubstantial yet abrasive fibre compound for this sole purpose. Despite being able to see through it it will still take the surface paint off of metal. The trick is to bring in your own and then leave the cubicle as if a heard of incontinent elephants had been through, much to the amusement of your colleagues.

'Goodness, evilness makes you powerful' - like the Force

Mofo Teresa

Apparently Mother Teresa was an evil old witch who treated her minions like shit. Not a very progressive thinking Catholic, either. Her care for the sick was apparently a bit lacking, as well. However her care for her own sickness wasn't quite so penny-pinching, the leathery old hypocrite. I hardly think she's a shining light of goodness. And Mahatma Ghandi didn't like black people, take a look at his writings from when he was in South Africa, moaning about the natives. I call bullshit on all of this.

Fedora 13 - Ubuntu's smart but less attractive cousin

Still need the nvidia drivers

Sadly I still have to use the prorietary drivers, even if they mis-identify the TV's resolution, as my sound card needs them. Odd as it may seem. Will I finally be able to get Lirc working properly so I can use my damned remote?

Legal high fire sale starts now

Handy hint

In order to consume meths without the impact of bitrex, soak some bread in your tipple and eat the soaked bread.

Any good?

So is it any good, then? It's been my experience of illicit enjoyment that OD'ing was nature's way of strengthening the herd.

Turk unwraps doner kebab robot

waterproofing

Has anyone else noticed the post doner waterproof layer you get on the lower half of your face? Very good at maintaining warmth, repelling fluids etc

UK.gov spunked £153m on reorganisation IT

I, for one..

Welcome our 15 year-old overlords. I believe "spunking" or "spunked" is perfectly acceptable when referring to splashing something out in an un-retrievable manner. And it's good for the skin.

Tiger Woods' alleged mistress publishes X-rated texts

Tits

It's only some tits. Just keep your hands out of your trousers.

Aussie smoko-proofing drug prevents ill effects of cigs

Cancer

Actually there's always the risk of cancer whatever you do - smoking increases the likelihood of this happening but plenty of people manage to die of cancer without the fun of smoking. Arse cancer you get from not eating your greens, for example.

Net downloads cause 'millions of lost jobs'

different releases

one of my colleagues wants a Tv show only available on Itunes's US web site. She has spent some time trying to twist her arse to shit straight on this one and go legit. She can't get hold of it unless she uses the torrents.

Two jailed for smutty texts

Nuddy

I have to say that at this moment I am thinking of the children.

Home Office, EHRC rap top cop knuckles

Enforced liberty

We must give the police more arbitrary powers to detain you to ensure your freedom.

Top exorcist says Satan at work in Vatican

smoke of Satan

having spent last night at the pub quiz I can confirm my office is now filled with the smoke of Santa, as well.

Brown promises Budget in a fortnight

Trivia tidbit

We have elections on a Thursday because traditionally we would be paid on Friday and therefore would be in the pub getting pissed up all weekend instead of going to the polls and voting. It's our soberest day, apparently. Of course, drinking and shirking responsibility is a modern habit...

BBC protects 'unique' 1Xtra listeners from radio cull

breakfast show

XFM's breakfast show blows goats. Without 6Music I see no need for a digital radio, so I'm back to FM when it's gone.

Spanish priest spunked €17k on chat lines and whores

Expecting more

Perhaps the Spanish have small winkies. it would explain their disposition.

Virgin to offer 100Mb/s broadband by year's end

This

As a Virgin customer I have to say that their service sucks donkey cocks.

Miniskirt outrage Brazilian becomes Carnival queen

view

Wash she wearing her smalls or not? Just out of idle curiosity...

Activists unleash Operation Titstorm on Aussie.gov

Ebaums

I think you'll find that disenfranchised youths lurk in "moar" places than just 4chan. Send in the party vans

MTV Mexico pulls South Park episode

Thus

revealing said angles

Oz banker caught porn-surfing on live TV

Nuff?

I believe you mean muff.

Aussie censor balks at bijou boobs

I agree

I have perused films including female ejaculation in the interest of science, and that shit's fucking grim. Especially when they get it all on the lens, it's like sitting in the car when it's being washed with syrup. Plus small tits are a major disappointment, wonderbras are false advertising. They should drive the small norked ones off the telly, I'm not interested in your boring "news". Out of interest, are you allowed to see people weeing on each other?

Second US man admits DDoS attack on Scientology

I'ma

firin ma lazer...

Compulsory perv scanners upset everyone

Suppose it depends

On how big your cock is, really.

Solicitor General takes fresh pop at PunterNet

It's legal

Solicting isn't

Reduced demand?

How do you reduce demand? Cut off everyone's cock and sew up their fannies?

Peppa Pig told to belt up

Truth in animation

That pig still seems to be walking on two legs, perhaps they should go back and amend that glaring error. Then show Peppa Pig covered in shit like a normal pig.

Reg readers reveal their holiday toilet texting plans

Hnnnnnrrrgh

Am I a luddite for preferring paper based reading material when dropping the kids off at the pool? Certainly don't want anything instantaneous happening, it is a time for relaxation and quiet contemplation.

Any comms at dinner time is a no-no. No reading, typing or writing.

Savage roo mauls Oz man

Pedantry

Skippy was actually a wallaby, not a kangaroo. as can be seen, kangaroos are quite dangerous to work with.

Sacked drugs advisor pledges new expert body

nutsack

@Michelle Knight

Alcohol is not out of control, certain people have behavioural issues that are amplified by alcohol. The drug in itself is not evil. Even so, as the majority of people know how to drink responsibly, or even irresponsibly without bothering anyone else, it remains legal. People die of peanut allergy, yet there is no blanket ban on the Devil's legume. It even comes mixed with that other Satanic ingredient, salt.

Globo-renewables all electric future touted again

Incinerators?

We could, of course, just burn poor people in incinerators. If you cook them off before they bred too much you could maintain a relatively stable population, a bit like a fiery Logan's Run, and they are made of recent carbon dioxide so no fossil fuel burden.

Windows 95 to Windows 7: How Microsoft lost its vision

Cloud cuckoo

Cloud computing is never going to be useful for a home pc environment and your mobile phone will always be shit for playing Quake.

Airport rethinks strip-scanner for kids

Is it art?

It's Gilbert and George, isn't it? That one made of poo.

Child porn threat to airport's 'virtual strip search' scanners

airports..

Of course, when I actually get my cock out at the airport there's no end of problems. It's political correctness gone mad.

Theatre draws veil over naked Anna Friel

No hamburger

How disappointing, I have perused much better nudey shots of Ms Friel, there's better ones of her norks out on the beach. If you've got it, flaunt it.

First prison sentence for extreme porn

Eat horse, fuck horse

The French eat horses. Surely fucking it is less stressful and degrading to the horse. Plus as I understand these things it's quite hard to fuck an animal that isn't up for it, especially a big one like a horse.

Labour to push for broadband tax before election

Take it, bitch, all the way

Of course this money would be entirely ringfenced and never used to shore up other bloated catastrophes, just like the road licence fund is entirely invested in the roads. I thought the Labour idea was tax the rich and give to the poor, rather than squeezing the poor until they bleed out of their arses and give the rich a free ride. Where does Lord Rothermere live, peer of the realm? Oh, in France. So no tax for him, then.

YouTube Lad from Lagos stranded in London

New vidya alert

"Bouncy Helen" has a new response to add to the melange: http://www.youtube.com/user/BouncyHelen

I'm a bit dubious about her being 24 but she has watched 34 videos. Clearly it must be real, just like Skweezy.

US Spec Ops operates psywar websites targeted at UK

CP

I, for one, commend them on creating 4chan and the miriad distractions it holds for me.

YouTube Lad from Lagos gets a bite

Nice teeth

I would like to take a moment for our American friends and point out her teeth.

Japan torture flick sickens UK film censor

Psycho killer

There is still the unaswered question - if these movies have a tendency to deprave, surely the BBFC having seen all of these movies should be solely occupied by sadistic, perverted freaks.I watched Ichi the Killer uncut before obtaining a legitimate UK copy and it still confuses me as to why cutting off a woman's nipples is considered one of the most "traumatic" scenes of the movie and had to be cut. The rest of the scene was consider ok for me as an adult, torture and all. Good piece of prosthetics work, I thought.

Boffins develop 'Hidden gateway to Hogwarts girls' loos'

Mong?

There's a Mong institute? Is he king?

Blade Runner tops sci-fi movie poll

Saturn 3 etc

What, no love for Bad Lieutenant and Spartacus in one film? Silent Running is a bit hard going. A Boy and His Dog is missing too. It has Don "Miami Vice" Johnson. And that one with the giant beetles and that funny minibus/APV thing.;

Hilton's mum enjoys One Night in Paris

Perils of fame

I was under the impression that Paris's art film was a cynical ploy to achieve fame for the hitherto un-noticeable heiress. Her family being already fully cognisant of her organ-tooting skills. This is one of the reasons why this film is just mugging-to-the-camera cheesecake, rather than full on hamburger shots. Maybe I'm a cynic.

Too-tall terror snapper stopped by cops again

Yay Fascism

At least Mussolini got the trains running on time, I have yet to see this benefit.

It shouldn't happen to a vetting database

Numbers?

So how many authors and MPs, comparatively, have been caught buggering a child in a school? I don't recall anything in the Daily Fail or Screws in the last ten years. Clearly there has been a recent surge for it to now be a problem.

World's oldest mum pops clogs

Science!

Now, if only we can work out how to impregnate a corpse...