Posts by Chris Collins

Only 1 in 5 Americans believe in pure evolution – and that's an upswing

The interactions of 11th and 12th dimensional space causes bubbles of vacuum to form in the nothing. So technically speaking the universe poofed out of nothing, but in a more pleasing way than the invisible man in the sky who hates foreskins.

Boffins: Dolphins call each other NAMES. Not RUDE ones!

Re: to see if the named fish responded?

If it lives in the sea, it's a fish. No exceptions.

VCDX: The elite certification just 105 people hold

Bad car choices

A Carrera? Really? Could he not get a better 911, like the Turbo? Or a totally different car all together?

Bloke jailed for being unable to use BlackBerry Messenger freed

Re: Meanwhile, in the real world...

...The rules of being a dad state that at no time do I have someone else's daugher in my car unless my daughter is also present...

That is just craziness, you are stating that you yourself are a pedalo or can't be trusted. I personally can be trusted not to have sex with your ugly child or indeed rabidly molest youths in the street. It's no big deal for me not to do that.

Ultrabooks to finally out-ship notebooks after 20% price slash

Pricey

Lordy, those are expensive. £750 for the cheapest Lenovo

Famous SAS man trousers £1m as e-publishing startup sold to Tesco

Blurred

Given that anything he did remotely exciting was over twenty years ago why go through the farce of blurring his face, like they did in the Fail? Surely anyone who wanted to kill him for crimes against literature would already have done so?

Pirate Bay AND its users violate labels' copyright - judge

Moving target

Surely the fact that it appears to run off of random people's laptops means it will be quite difficult to get rid of? It's a truly distributed application.

MPs rattle telcos to help kill extremist material online

Keith Vaz - paragon of virtue

It's this kind of seditious nonsense that should be put under the hammer. Next you'll be saying that he has a history of wanting to ban freedom of speech.

Union enraged by secret driverless Tube plan

Collision detection

I think you'll find that your chelsea tractor has a perfectly operational collision detection system embedded in the bumpers. Much more attentive than the text messaging operative. Yes, there's a guy on the DLR. The majority of the time he's not driving it. You're on the wrong site for being a Luddite.

Virgin Media broadband in two-day wobble

Flakey week

I had a flakey week last week, Sunday was down twice, Tuesday down again twice and I dropped out again on Thursday for no good reason. Streaming audio still seems spotty.

Lossless music goes High Street

Lama

Winamp seems fine with FLAC. Worked as my music player for may years now. Put all the gstreamer libraries on your Gnome box an Rhythmbox plays them too.

Italian and Swiss cops cuff 15 Anonymous suspects

Warpigs

It's only the idiots that get v&, anyhow. The low hanging fruit, as it were. Wardriving is one way. If you're more cunning you physically plug in to the hard-wired network. Or just use your botnet to do it.

Boffins develop working MALE PILL

Potting the brown

You could, of course, take the question out of the act...

Sandi Toksvig puts the 'n' into cuts - on the Beeb

From the 'pedia

Q>

Cnut the Great[2] (Old Norse: Knūtr inn rīki;[3] c. 985 or 995 – 12 November 1035), also known as Canute, was a king of Denmark, England, Norway and parts of Sweden.

/Q

Plus, you missed the joke you humourless cunt.

Virgin Media frustrates customers with 'intermittent' routing blues

Write a letter

It took me a few letters but I got more than a fiver out of them the last time I had a problem with them. They never fix things on the first go. Then they try and say it's something else - yesterday they said it was my router firmware. They could do with improving the script they give the Indians.

Storm brews over Chinese synchronised goldfish

golden fish egg

Having kept goldfish I can say that they are prone to karking it without any external stimulus so I think it's unlikely they'd last long if he was using magnets. You can train goldfish, as seen in mythbusters. It's more likely he did that than risk killing the fish that lay the golden roe. Even if he used fucking magnets, how would that work?

Albuquerque shopper samples free man oysters

iCame

Don't knock the lady who can instantly determine the taste of semen behind flavoured yoghurt- it's a practised palate she has there.

TERRORISTS IN SUBMARINES menace the Free World!

Mine the harbours

What terrorists fail to grasp is that no-one looks at what goes on in ports at all as closely as airports and yet that majority of our goods still come through them even in this day and age. Drop a few mines off of an old fishing boat on a jolly round the coast and bring the country to its knees without anyone knowing what's going on or having to faff about blowing yourself up on a tube train. Terrorists are stupid.

The Last Airbender up for nine Razzies

Utter shite

The entire film was abysmal, in a trite, sanctimonious forced way - a little contrived? Massively contrived. I got as far as her and the smurf bat in Papa smurf's magic tree and I had to turn it off otherwise I would have had to go out and collect a necklace of ears from random passers-by. That was an hour and a half in or something and it was still only half way. At least show us their smurf tits or something, god. damn.

Beeb gets the measure of the London Eye

backasswards

Softwood, with its short growing cycle, is only beneficial to the environment if we keep planting it. Reducing the demand for softwood (e.g. by recycling paper) means that there is less financial incentive to plant and maintain softwood forests. The land will be re-used to do something else, most likely not acting as a carbon sink. So it's actually deleterious to the environment to reduce your paper demand. Paper when used as fuel is not releasing fossil carbon into the atmosphere, either. The increase in demand for new hardware (with it's rare elements, poisons, shipping from China etc) to store information previously on paper means that this is in fact an anti-environmental move and should be advertised as such - BT's planet-destroying policy.advertised by Beeb.

Amazon buys Lovefilm

Streaming

I have Fedora on my tv computer and it works fine in Firefox or Opera. It's Flash. I say fine but mean generally fine, I have been pestering them to iron out all the bugs and it is getting better. Picture is a little granular and could do with more than 2d sound. There is no point using it to watch the latest films as obviously they only have about five copies of each one. It's also been a while since I got a faulty disk - had a batch of them about two years ago but been ok since. I go through about six a week so I should be finding them if they are. Turnaround's about four days. I'm not employed by them or anything, either.

Feds raid server farms in bid to root out PayPal DDoS perps

Get with the program

It's "skiddies" now. Script kiddie is passe.

Chargin Mah Lazer

So are we not allowed to mention Low-Orbit Ion Cannon by name, then? Is that really going to prevent people finding out what it is and using it? Even though you know whose IP is responsible? And your ISP is looking for that sort of thing?

Catfish: A fanfare for Facebook fakery

Compelling

I watched this and I thought it was going to be shit about some wankers I couldn't care less about. In the end I couldn't really give a shit about Nev but it does actually work as a kind of detective novel, although it's true what they say about it all being a bit suss that a film's conveniently being made beforehand. I preferred Capturing the Friedmans. I'm still not sure about how guilty they are, either.

Tory councillor arrested over 'stoning to death' tweet

The reality machine

So all I have to do is tweet "I have a huge cock, ladies come and get it" and I'll be crawling in snatch as everything in print is true? Or should I just do the David Koresh and say I'm the messiah. Does this work with grafitti?

Virgin Media introduces P2P throttling

Rum buggery

Actually you'll find that NTL ate Skanky Media, rather than the other way round. All the good customer service from Virgin has been booted out for the existing "skills" of NTL. But as everyone knows that NTL was rubbish they have pulled a rabbit made of shit out of a hat and said 'tada' by masquerading as VM. So that's the same burly man getting you to pick up the soap, just he's wearing lipstick.

Texas Chain Saw Massacre declared top horror flick

Ooh, controversial

Texas CSM is a bit shit, though. Really. No love for Ichi the killer, then? They used real jizz in that film. Director had the crew wank into a bucket until he had enough for his shot. That's a craftsman for you. And is that the new crappy version of Dawn or the original satire on consumerism?

Aargh, the bees!

I think Dumplings is pretty good but the theme in the comments here seems to be that horror films can't have a more psychological element.

4chan launches DDoS against entertainment industry

It is

It is Channel 4, actually. It's the Japanese rendition.

Lord Prescott calls for phone hack review

Lordy

Might I just point out our socialist, working man's man, anti-elitist bulimic northerner's title: Lord. Fucking. Prescott. Arch hypocrite. If this was the Mail I'd be frothing at the mouth on a New Liebor rant.

Spandau Ballet get the Tourette's karaoke treatment

Circle jerk

There was a bit of mutual masturbation on the popbitch mailout for the reg, as well. Perhaps Lester is knobbing the bird from PB.

Joy Division designer tackles England footie strip

Purple?

Who the hell are represented by purple? I'll give you blue, red and *cough not the northern bit cough* green but purple? The French?

eBay car vendor flashes wedding tackle

wood veneer

Begs the question as to why he's taking pictures that are not quite of his cock - surely the thinking behind these photos is to get your person in a tumescent state. Mind you, he does drive an MG.

BCS Linux-baiting sparks flame war

Drivel

IT Now is an appalling pile of shite, whomever produces it should hang their head in shame. Ridiculous, wasteful graphics (a one page article on software piracy consisting of three quarters of a page of a picture of a sailing ship, for example; no, for fuck's sake) obviously soaking up the budget and dreadful illiterate ramblings from sales people with thinly hidden agendas. Plus it appears to be pitched at morons rather than members of a computer society. And don't start me on the sub- "wot I done on holidays" reviews - it's a book, with a title and thirteen chapters with lots of words about computers, it is very gud. The end.

PARIS skins up with Rizlas and dope

Wikipaedos

The accuracy and integrity of the Wiki can not be doubted - indeed, it is most likely that the name "Vulture 1" has something, a vague something perhaps but a likelihood no less, to do with the vulture logo. I'm guessing. Maybe you need to join the talk page and add a little something.

El Reg marks Steve Jobs for termination

Not necessarily a yank

He hasn't indicated anywhere that he is from the land obesity, so he may not be a Septic. He could be Senegalese:

http://maps.google.co.uk/maps?hl=en&safe=off&client=opera&q=saint+louis+senegal&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=Saint+Louis,+Saint-Louis,+Senegal&gl=uk&ei=wi03TPzHHZLu0wTzpv3oAw&ved=0CBwQ8gEwAA&t=h&z=12

Piles for Windows - a pain in the arse?

Gesture

I am making a pulsating gesture with my hand gripped into an open fist. If you've read this far maybe you could guess what it is, AC? I am pretty sure there is a spambot that just posts this sort juvenile "Windoze, hurr" bollocks in every thread.

Feed curry to sheep, boffins suggest

unique wife?

Does your wife have her own unique style of shitting? Do you have them stored around your house in tupperware pots? Or are you married to a horse?

Paraguayan model to strip if team wins World Cup

NSFW

Is this nsfw in the future tense or am I missing some detail here. She hasn't actually got her jubblies out

World Cup meltdown fails to materialise

Agree

Hear, hear - ITV's player is a big bag of shite is what I have discovered through this world cup. Thank god I have no requirement to use it at other times

Copyright wally of the week

Free as a bird now

The official position of this website seems to be that music piracy should be punished by the most meager of legal sanctions. And that the jury awards against pirates such as Jammie Thomas et al verge on being crimes against humanity. Shouldn't you also be campaigning for changes in copyright law that will essentially decriminalize the outright stealing of YOUR ARTICLES TOO? Or should it be only music and movies that are exempt from copyright protection? If there are reasons for the theft of music and movies to be penalty-free, but your articles protected by copyright, please explain them, as the situation as it stands now is not clear at all.

French judiciary makes transgender boob

Penis

Does it have a winkie? Then it's a bloke. I'm leaning towards the official French line here.

Palin boob-probe Reg hack dubbed an Ass Clown

Ass clown

What exactly is an "ass clown" anyhow? Surely being able to entertain small children with the antics of your buttocks is a good thing rather than a bad thing? Or is it a reference to someone who enjoys the act of buggery in comically large shoes?

Ofcom refuses to bend over smut TV link-links

Cheesecake

Although why anyone would look for pornography on a UK website, with our somewhat restrictive laws on this sort of thing (Visiting the BBFC website to view the R18 censoring seems to indicate that tinkling on each other is a no-no, nor are some of the more interesting insertions, for example) instead of hardcore donkey-corpse-with-midgets porn or whatever? I find it interesting that we as a nation pretend we're not into pooing in each other's mouths when history clearly indicates that we are.

Conroy pledges to stop spams infecting Aussies' portals

Spam portal

Mm, delicious penis-pill cake awaits.

Pacific islands growing not shrinking, says old study

Austronesian

This is covered pretty well by Jared Diamond in his Guns, Germs and Steel book. The tv show, not so much Linguistically they originate in South East Asia and moved eastwards in response to population pressure from the west, pushing the Guineans and Australians out of the way. There are no links to South America, lots to Asia.

Megan Fox exits Transformers 3

Woodentops

So we are left with the depth and range of LeBuff's mighty talent? I think Bumblebee is Gielgud to his Olivier. The second one was utter shite and sequels don't get better. Apart from Critters. Even seeing Fox's minge as she gets out of some sports car would not draw my interest.

Clegg promises liberties restoration

The Tax man

...he cometh.

Viewsonic VMP74 1080p media player

Terrible aftercare

Better hope this thing never goes wrong as my experience of ViewSonic's aftercare is that it's fucking shit. A warranty repair, no less, for a monitor with a faulty EDID chip. Getting them to ackowledge the warranty was bad enough, look forward to month long waits for responses.

Woman loses Bebo privacy case against lad mag

Spectacular

They truly were epic. I'd be proud to have tits like that. If I were a woman.