Posts by alyn

Verity Stob's App Store

teenage rampage

The teenage tamer idea is good but can we also have a teenage translator which can translate the many variations of the word "Unggg" into the queens english.

Homemade airship prang closes highway in Oklahoma

Old pilots and bold pilots

I think this breaks the rule about there being no old, bold pilots.

BOFH: Key performance undertakers

Are you Planning to work on Friday?

I'll be comatose in front of the TV or venting off the effects of the sprouts.

No, I'll keep my present keyboard, thanks

NZ gal's Bulgarian airbags halt traffic

Thanks for the enlightenment!

You learn something new every day. I shall henceforth refer to chesticles, bazookahs, norks, knockers as bulgarian air-bags.

In Paris's case they are more like tea-bags.

Why Bulgarian?

Pardon my ignorance, but why are they called BULGARIAN airbags. Surely they were made in New Zealand

A Deadlock Holiday

Boom shang erlang

Do we have to wear flares to write multi-threaded programs?

Reg readers reveal their holiday toilet texting plans

A better name

We've already had a better name for any of Mr Jobs (sorrry, but I couldn't resist that one!) products - the crapple.

P.S. Now I think we know why so many el reg posters can't type, It's difficult to see the tiny screen while your eyes are screwed up with the effort.

iFarter begs Apple for rational App Store

I have my own

I have my own built-in iFart app, I was born with it. If they could buid an iSBD app that could empty a room at 50 paces then I'd buy one

Spanish region teaches kids how to crack one off

safe sex?

Do you engage in safe sex?

Yes, I wear a rubber glove!

Windows 7's dirty secrets revealed

Not good enough

When Minwin will run of a 1.44MB floppy, then I will be impressed. Linux can do it (Toms root & boot), though admittedly without X Windows.

IBM lab builds computerized cat brain

Slight snag

It needs a power supply the size of Sizewell B and a mega-huge cat flap

Mine's the one with artificial cat hairs on it

Morgan Computers shuts its doors, sells website

Mixed views

The stuff they sold was cheep but it was not always best quality. I bought a Leading Edge laptop (AKA Daewoo) which lasted a little over a year. Still it got me into this new-fangled Windows stuff (3.11) and helped me to find a new job, so I got my moneys worth.

Vint Cerf mods Android for interplanetary interwebs

DFS

Kentucky fried chicken should be called DFS (Deep-Fried Shit)

Can Darwin help us find little green men?

Fools!

According to the "god squad" humanity is only 6000 years old. And we're all guilty of in-breeding as Adam and Eve are our ancestors

BOFH: The stupidity criticality

Plenty of BS

Theres plenty of BS over here. The management are full of it.

Oh yes, and mission statements - does anybody actually read them?

Musos demand Guantanamo Bay playlist

Leonard Cohen

No, probably Leonard Cohen. Or anything from the Spice Girls.

WTF is this country called America?

Wales is not a country

Sorry to be even more pedantic but Wales is not a country, it's a principality. That's why the Welsh flag is not part of the Union flag.

Historian slams 'absolutely crazy' UK time zone

Get it right

The Portugese are on UK time. not the other way around!

It will be pub time shortly. That's more important.

Japanese bloke gets arsey over artificial rectum

Two arseholes?

Then I could fart in stereo. Bliss!

BOFH: Baitin' switch

Bugger the switches - use servers

A rackfull of Proliant servers falling on you will do a lot more damage. Then you can buy the latest quad-core jobbies to replace them.

Where's my screwdriver?

Great British beer moves county

Short Measures

El Reg, I must protest at the short measure you serve up in your beer icon. I'll set CAMRA onto you.

I hope this is an oversize glass but I can't see the pint measure.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooo.............................

Next They'll turn it into a cream flow nitro fizz.

The end of the world is nigh

2 bottles of newkie brown and a packet of crisps love.

Duff DAB, megamogs and ass-assassins: Your thoughts

I shall say this only once

Because I have posted this before on El Reg.

If DAB was implemented the way it was designed to be, i.e. with low-power fill in transmitters then signal strength would not be a problem. The "Jacuzzi effect" or "bubbling mud" as others call it would not be a problem.

'Do You Want To See My C*ck?' asks budding author

Sounds like a song

Sounds like a song by Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, along the liners of "Do you f**k on first dates".

New Guinea sex cult eyes bumper banana crop

Legged it to the bush

Indeed, he probably had his hand in there!

Warning: Showers can seriously damage your health

@Morten

Bacterias? Bacteria is already plural, bacterium is is the singular

BOFH: Trussssst in me

Could apply to us too

"Because they're not experts, just idiots who've not been caught out yet,"

We're just better at hiding our mistakes. The phrase "the server crashed" hides a multitude of errors.

Not now darling I'm twirping

Well, I thought it was funny

In the same vein - A Yorkshiremans advice to his son.

"See all, hear all, say nowt,

eat all, drink all , pay nowt.

and if ever tha' does owt for nowt

Allus do it for thisen."

If you need an english translation, I can provide one

Al sithee

Aussie birds 'desperate to copulate with brainy males'

down under

I'll have to go down under then to see the mapatasi (q.v)

Beer drinking model to get caned in Malaysia

Why stop there?

Lets refuse to trade with...

Spain - They kill bulls for "sport"

France - Thet eat horses don't they

USA - Guanatamo (OK its closed now)

Japan - Whale hunting

Germany - Who needs a reason

Israel - Palestinians persecution

Turkey - Human rights violations

Err.. This might leave us a bit isolated

Extra large condoms hit UK supermarket shelves

Penis enlargement pills

Yes, penis enlargement pills DO work, but it damn well hurts inserting them.

BOFH: Hammer time!

PCI slots? Pah!!

The Pc can't be that old if it had PCI slots.I would have expected ISA or EISA or VESA, and Window ME is positively modern. Windows 3.11 or MeSs-DOS would be more appropriate.

I recently found a PC at work which still had the Netware client installed. I bet that sends shivers up a few spines.

Am I just thick?

No, don't answer that.

I didn't understand the punch-line. "I couldnt repair it because it is her PC". Is he alergic to cats or to attractive girls who use Windows ME?

It's beer o'clock, so I'll ponder on it in the pub

Tech can make Britain Great again

We sold everything off

Any innovative British inventions we sell off when they become successful (ARM processor for example)

Cyclists offered cut-price shag at German brothel

Whats the IT angle?

Depends if you're suffering from brewers droop

Don't call me Ishmael

Rivers

No, not Joan, the watery things.We started with the major ones Thames, Avon, Severn, now we are on to the more obscure ones Po, Piddle, Ouse. I wanted Pisspiss but this was over-ruled

The beer icon because I now need to piddle in the po.

Designer pitches flat-pack power plug

Fuse

I hope this is designed NOT to take a 13A fuse, and how long before some dumbass tries to plug it in without unfolding it? Not BSI approved I suspect

Pioneer DVR-116D multi-format DVD rewriter

native DVD-RAM support

Has anyone ever got DVD-RAMs to work with Windows without third party software? I always use Nero in-CD

iPod Nano trouser fireballs sweep Japan

Epidemic?

Can you call three occurrances an epidemic?

Mines the jacket with the asbestos lining

Old timers rattle zimmers at 'Elderly Persons' sign

Welcome careful drivers

Whenever I see a sign like "Craptown welcomes careful drivers" I always say "Tough shit, I'm coming through"

Lords call for variable VAT to cut landfill

@Daniel

Try buying a copy of Rogers Profanisaurus. It has slang expressions for all body parts/functions.

P.s. Sarah Bee when you said "have a biscuit" did you mean an air biscuit?(q.v.)

PARP!! Pardon me, I had a curry last night.(a musical one)

Intel adds 22nm octo-core 'Haswell' to CPU design roadmap

More logical

Wouldn't 9 cores be more logical, arranged 3x3 on the wafer. 16 cores is an obvious next progression

Swedish men left frustrated by state sex aid policy

What flavour? hot chocolate?

> Secondly a dildo used by a man is not "equivalent" to say a Fleshlight, which frankly is pretty high quality. A dildo for a woman is used for genital stimulation, for men it's obviously a matter of taste (and despite popular opinion has nothing to do with sexual orientation).

What flavour do dildos come in?

Sheep

In a pub toilet vending machine I recently saw blow up sheep for sale. (This was in Wales, of course).

Profs: Teacher-student relationships key to sex education

Field trips?

I never had those kind of field trips when I was at school.

It might explain why I'm a single, 50+, boring old fart.

Extra-heavy minicopter 'Jetpack' astounds world+dog

Air screws

Propellors are also called airscrews, because that's how they work. A ships propellor is also often referred to as a screw.

Paris - because, well work it out!

CGI furnishes filmstar with fur

CGI

CGI in this context means Computer Graphics Imagery

Been there, done that

When I was working in the BBC in the 80's a certain English actress wouldn't appear topless so she wore a flesh-coloured bra.The BBC boffins repainted on her nipples in the editing suite. I used to have a freeze-frame of the relevent scene. Purely to admire the skills of the technicians, of course

UK BOFHs face psychometric dissection

SOAP

SOAP is an Internet protocol. Or, to quote Ian Dury, "Life is a soul full of hope, a hole full of soap"

Reg hack insults the Parachute Regiment

Cunning Stunts

I'm sure the female parachute team perform some cunning stunts. (pronounce that carefully)