* Posts by Mike Crawshaw

508 publicly visible posts • joined 29 Nov 2007

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MP calls for Jezza Clarkson's head

Mike Crawshaw

Reg Reader Calls for Wacky Smith's Head

Reg Reader Mike Crawshaw has written a "strongly-worded comment on The Reg demanding that Home Secretary "Wacky" Jaqui Smith be sacked for being a lying, incompetent beeeatch.

Smith, old, has been taking part in numerous tv and newspaper interviews over the last few years when she says "people want identity cards, they want CCTV everywhere, they want to be on my database"

Recently, old politician Smith should have been jailed, hung, drawn and quartered, before allowing the populace to stamp on the bits for routinely lying and treating the UK population like morons. Crawshaw said in his comment: "the actions in this country during Smith's tenure as Home Secretary were, and are, horrific and the community has spent a lot of time pulling together to respond constructively to such dreadful events. For Smith to make light of the destruction of democratic rights in any circumstance must be an 'up against the wall' offence."

"To do so with complete disgregard for the population of the country should make this a matter on which I would expect immediate action."

Jacqui Smith prints seized by No2ID in daring dabs grab

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Up

Careful now...

I'm not sure that this falls within the boundaries of "legitimate protest", as defined by Hazel Blears....

</sarcasm>

I'm sending No2ID a crisp e-tenner towards this hero's reward!

Study clears cannabis of schizophrenia rap

Mike Crawshaw
Black Helicopters

Beautifully Put...

"Thus there really is no logical leg for the government to stand upon in its reclassification of cannabis: there's not in fact one reason against the legalisation of the damn stuff and the increase in liberty and freedom that would result."

Of course there is. I refer you to your own words at the start of the article:

"that someone, somewhere, might be enjoying themselves and that this situation cannot be allowed to continue."

Enojying oneself? What an absurd concept. Don'tcha know that enjoying oneself is providing assistance to 'terrists'? Anyone who wants to have fun is obviously an outright bastard who might as well spit on the flag and send dismembered kittens to 'Our Boys In Iraq' (TM The Sun).

Guy Fawkes stunt arrives early

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

"Don't you think?"

No. We're not allowed to. Only terrorists and paedophiles think. I'd refer you to the law about it, but it's classified on grounds of national security.

Barack Obama will be president

Mike Crawshaw

Oh Noes!!!!

The bitter Republicans' (hi, Webster!) main point seems to be:

"Now taht Barik Osama iz prezident we wil see him cuming tu yore hous and raiping yore wife and geting yore childrens on drugs and kiling alll teh wite fokes in teh town and murderings yore kittehs and helping teh terryrists bom yore skools and taikng yore jobs and razing yore taxes cos hes a LIBERAL!!! AND TAHT'S WOT LIBERALS DO!!!!!!"

Please. He's not the Messiah (oblig: "He's a very naughty boy!") but I will be sleeping more soundly knowing that McCain & Palin don't have their fingers on The Big Red Button, at least.

Apologies to all those Republicans who have the balls to say "OK, he wasn't my choice, but he's been democratically elected, so I'll make the best of it rather than whining and shouting FUD."

Nasty Toryboy bloggers ate my politics, claims Blears

Mike Crawshaw

@ og

"It's called... free speech, Blears, and you haven't banned it yet."

Yet. "Legitimate protest"? Sounds like we're heading that way. 2 + 2 = whatever NuLab says it does.

FCC defies Dolly Parton, opens white space waves

Mike Crawshaw
Joke

The Obama Effect In Action!

Do ya think McCain & Palin would have defied God & Dolly Parton????

Smith's airport ID card plans cut back to small pilot scheme

Mike Crawshaw
Happy

Thanks for the detail!

The part about forcing non-EU nationals to apply has, as a Canadian living here since '83, had me somewhat concerned. Seeing the part about forcing application as part of the renewal of leave to remain is somewhat reassuring, as I had this renewed this year, so have a good few years left before I need to reapply, and get forced into that too. Hopefully the entire thing will be nothing but a bad memory by that point!!

Cheers for brightening my day even further, El Reg!

McCain pulls ahead in pharmaceutical spam

Mike Crawshaw

Understandable Connection.

JM is the perfect candidate to endorse this product. He was a POW, after all. And that means he's perfect for everything.

Oh, hang on...

Defra drafts proper pet practice for the daft

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Up

New Monitor, please...

Sheer brilliance. *Applause*

If I didn't know the answer, I'd ask "do they really think we're that stupid?" but I know the answer. Even worse, I know that, as a nation, yes, sadly, we are. *sigh*.

(2 cats, one dog. they all pile on top of each other in front of the fire, and thankfully - purely for reasons of size - the dog always ends up at the bottom with the cats climbing all over him)

Gordo entertains a couple of lapdancers

Mike Crawshaw
Pirate

@ Be Honest

"...how many of you would actually find your admiration of the guy increasing if he really was dallying with floozies in their professional capacity?"

Nope. Cos you can guarantee that if he did, he'd be using our bloody taxes to pay for it as expenses!!

Jezza Clarkson cops flak for 'truckers murder strumpets' gag

Mike Crawshaw

A few more slips like that..

And he'll have a realistic shot of actually becoming PM!

China trumpets 'human rights action plan'

Mike Crawshaw

They Wanna WHA..???

*China has declared that it will instigate a "human rights action plan" over the next two years designed in part to "expand democracy and STRENGTHEN RULE OF LAW.*

(my emphasis)

They want to strengthen the 'rule of law' beyond "we believe you may been somehow naughty, so we're going to put you into a dungeon until we want to remove your corneas and kidneys to sell"???

There are no words...!

Forcefields will guard Mars ships from solar ion storms

Mike Crawshaw
Coat

Learn from Marvel Comics!

And drop the shields. The astronauts will come back with cool super-powers and stuff, just like the Fantastic Four did!

Ah? The stretchy, rocky, flaming one that's invisible. Thanks.

Apple scotches pre-Xmas Mac desktop revamp rumour

Mike Crawshaw

Lo-Cost Kit

"Though Jobs has said the company is not chasing the kind of consumer who's only interested in low-cost kit."

Anyone who's ever been into an Apple store knows this already.

Any store that charges £20 for a pack of iPod "socks" (my gf wanted one for her mobile - until she saw the price tag!) is definitely not chasing anyone who has any sort of financial sense. All the peripherals seemed vastly overpriced, even when compared to other high street retailers (WH Smith are cheaper for CD-Rs, which says a lot!)

The True Confessions of an Election Official

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Up

More of the same!

* More of the same comments above - very good article, thoroughly enjoyed.

* More of the same writer, as suggested, a "round-up" after the fact would be great.

* More of the same type of people, involved in the process!

Robocop. Heh. Like it.

London drum-maker dies of inhalation anthrax

Mike Crawshaw

Precautionary Antibiotics?

Aren't the medical profession always telling us that using antibiotics in this manner actually decreases their efficiency?

Sarkozy fails to stop sale in voodoo hoohah

Mike Crawshaw
Joke

@ Peter

"What if I look like "Barbie" - can I make a doll that looks like me and sell it?"

If you look like Barbie, my friend, I really think you need to think about something other than how to make a quick buck.....!!

Orange ditches Phorm

Mike Crawshaw
Coat

I feel dirty for saying it,

but, here goes.

"Well done Orange. Thank you."

yeeuch. Mine's the one with the shower gel and scrubbing brush...

Schneier sticks it to surveillance

Mike Crawshaw

"In five years or so..."

"... these checks will happen in the background using RFID chips, you won't even know you are being checked."

That part scares the living bejeezus outta me.

Stop giving the .gov ideas, Bruce!! They didn't even know what RFID was - they figured it stood for "Really Frickin' Idiotic Democracy" because we're daring to complain about 'em!

BBC's speak you're branes collapses under Brand-Ross sex outrage

Mike Crawshaw
Pirate

IM INCRIDEBLIE ANGRGY!!!

But seriously. If I did what they did, I'd be speaking to policemen in the comfort of a nice pair of bracelets complete with connecting chain to make sure I didn't lose my wrists. It wasn't nice, it wasn't big or clever to leave abusive stuff about his grand-daughter on his voice mail, and it certainly wasn't amusing.

I suggest, as a punishment, that they are both kept off the tv for the rest of forever. Because they're both shit, mainly, so that's a doubleplusgood bonus (I find Brand, in particular, about as amusing as a kick in the knackersack) - and perhaps they'll both starve from lack of exposure.

(Though I can understand Brand WANTING to do the lady in question - I'd play Pirates with her anyday!)

Social networking will save us all, says Orange

Mike Crawshaw
Stop

Fakebook at Work????

"So no massive surprises, but if you're looking for evidence to back up your argument that Facebook should be allowed through the corporate firewall then this (pdf) is a good place to start."

Please, for the love of FSM, no. Just..... no. I have trouble enough dealing with people around me talking about how they talked to each other on that thing the evening before. Every day. They don't seem to have realised that tFSM invented pubs for a reason.

"I sent a ninja after you last night! *tee hee*"

"Yeah, and I poked you when I saw it! *tee hee*"

"Did you see Bob's Wall?? *tee hee*"

Argh. It makes me reach for the bottle of medicine in my bottom drawer, just thinking about it.

Microsoft unveils 'lightweight' Office for Web

Mike Crawshaw
Stop

@JohnG - another Cloud Issue

John, you state quite accurately that:

"Would European companies and other organisations be able to meet EU data protection laws if they allow data to be stored outside the EU? Could they be sure that the US authorities would not pry into sensitive data to benefit US competitors?"

It's not just US corporations that we need to worry about - various branches of the gov.us have shown over and over that they are more than happy to assist everyone in the world to make sure that they're not a <terrrrrist/peedyfile/gambler/other unsavoury sort> by inspecting, copying & storing any data they can get their grubby hands on, and demanding extra data from other countries, travellers, someone sending an email that "crosses a US border" etc. They are Johnny 5 incarnate - "Data, Data, NEED MORE DATA!!!"

FSM help us if anyone in Kentucky gets access...

Windows 7 early promise: Passes the Vista test

Mike Crawshaw

No downside over Vista?

Yeah, but, for anything more than surfing the interwebs & looking at pretty shinies, I've found that an abacus, pen & notepad has no downside over Vista.

Vista bears almost no relation to the original promos, so when Windows 7 comes out, I'll have play on someone else's system - trying the things I care about - before I even think about it. And as for the Ribbon... well, I can get Office 2k7 for free, but paid for 2k3 instead, I dislike the UI that much.

Beeb cans TOTP Xmas special

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

Ross & Brand's Recce to the Dole Office?

Oh, please God, let it be true. I'd be so much happier paying the TV Tax if I didn't know that £6M a year of it was going just on Ross' salary. Plus what they pay Open Mike - Ross' production company - to make his shows. Plus what they pay Brand to recycle the same jokes he was telling in 2005.

Led Zeppelin plan Plant-free tour

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

Subtitle meh and other Trivialities

I have a preference for Soulfly's "The Song Remains Insane".

And to carry on Neil's comment: Zep without Plant == Insane

BBC's TV detector vans to remain a state secret

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

They're so effective

that they kept detecting the TV set I didn't actually have. Once a month on average for about a year. "We have detected the television you are using, sir!"

Have you. Have you really. Impressive, perhaps you actually picked up me thinking about that nice 52" LCD? Now that's effective...

Gov cans 'national day' plans

Mike Crawshaw
Flame

National Motto?

I never heard anything about that.

I suggest that, should it return, that the motto from the current round of TV licence adverts could be used:

"It's all the in the database"

with the small print afterwards reading:

"apart from the bits that got left on the train or lost in the post or leaked to the press or..."

Bryan Adams pulls a Prince on fan sites

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

On behalf of Vancouver

I'd like to apologise for that song. And most of the other ones, too.

@ Dave: that's why Metallica haven't seen any of my money for 10 years. Well, that and St Anger *shudder*...

(Vancouver ex-pat)

US forces want man-hunting robot wolfpacks

Mike Crawshaw
Black Helicopters

If they...

a) give the contract to a company called "Cyberdyne"

b) decide that they want the "Model T-101"

then that's it, stop the planet, time to get off.

Virgin probes Facebook safety, chav claims

Mike Crawshaw
Coat

This was not the article I was looking for...

"Virgin probes Facebook safety, chav claims"

I was expecting an article about a burberry-wearing customer of Virgin Media claiming he had insider information about VM preparing a report on how FakeBook is a nest of snakes.

I think I was about as wrong as it's possible to be without working for the Gov.

Fancy nipping for a quick two-thirds of a pint?

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

WTF?

I mean, seriously, WTF?

You can already buy beer in:

half-pint glass

pint glass

330ml bottle (c0.58pts)

500ml bottle (c0.88 pts)

and now they want a 0.67pts measure too? No. If you're not manly enough to down a pint, buy a 500ml bottle, and leave a bit in the bottom, muttering about it not being "right".

Besides, it's not very manly to walk into a bar and shout "WENCH! TWO-THIRDS OF A PINT!!!"

'Magnetic Death Star' fragments unearthed in New Jersey

Mike Crawshaw
Joke

Hmm. Death Star. New Jersey.

Outside the Kwik-Stop convenience store, perchance? With someone inside bitching that he wasn't even supposed to be there today? And 2 toking loafers outside?

We deserve the truth.

Dutch court convicts teens for stealing pixels

Mike Crawshaw

@ Mectron "copying isn't theft"

"...a digital item can be stealed if the original owner cannot enjoy it anymore.. but if the digital object is only copied, it is no theft."

I imagine you'd probably think differently if someone made a complete copy of all your personal information, HDD contents etc for their own enjoyment, and possibly profit? How about your ISP copying all your online actions and selling that - after all, it's to help you have a better online experience!

In neither case have you lost anything, but I'd still consider both cases to be theft. By railing against the RIAA etc, be careful you're not giving more ammo to the Phorms of this world....

Feds seize biker gang's trademark

Mike Crawshaw
Stop

I look forward

To seeing the police try and enforce this one. The HAMC and Mongols (plus the other "Serious" MCs) don't take their patches off when someone is pointing a gun at them, so I'm pretty sure that this won't work either. As Dave, above, stated, it's more likely to end in the police losing *their* patches (shields) than anything else. If they're lucky.

As for Nils' suggestion that the feds crank out copies of the patches etc, erm, well, knowing how nicely the Mongols take to people wearing their patches, I look forward to seeing just how many volunteers they get for that little experiment! Not I, that's for sure!

("We're not quite sure Attorney O'Brien has really thought this one through." Qualifier for understatement of the decade!)

Dawkins' atheist ad campaign hits fundraising target

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Up

Excellent.

But how long before they get pulled for being "offensive"?

Personally, I find bible-thumpers standing in the street and shouting about how everyone but them "is going to hell!" offensive, but I guess that's just me?

Kentucky judge OKs 141-site net casino land grab

Mike Crawshaw

@ AC 00:59

As a Canadian, I thank you for your distinction.

In areas near the USA border (Ontario in particular, Niagara Falls was famous for it a few years ago), a lot of stores don't display price tags. If you ask for the price, they refer to a list behind the counter. It has 2 columns - 1 for USAians, one for everyone else. Guess which is higher?*

(*note: this is based on the last time I visited Niagara, a good few years ago. Things may have changed since)

Gamers cash in on LittleBigPlanet delay

Mike Crawshaw
Black Helicopters

@ AC "As a muslim.."

"perhaps the PC brigade are being more Muslim than the Muslims?"

Wouldn't be the first time. I'm friends with a bunch of Muslims, and they get as confused and pissed off as I do when primary schools ban "3 little pigs" and Local Authorities (Sheffield Council for one) refuse to allow funerals of non-Muslims on a Saturday. Unfortunately, it's these idiots making these decisions that fuel anti-Islamic feeling because everyone assumes it's the Muslims themselves that are complaining, rather than a couple of middle-class white idiots and the occasional, equally-idiotic, Abu Hamza wannabe shouting about how "Merry Christmas" offends Muslims because it contains the word "christ".

</rant>

Black heli cos Abu has probably just declared a jihad on me.

Govt ponders proof-of-ID law for future phone purchases

Mike Crawshaw
Coat

FFS!

At this rate we're going to need to provide proof of identification before using a public convenience! No, no Ms Smith, that was NOT a suggestion...

Mine's the one without the ID card. I wiped my arse on it and flushed it away.

Tech gadgetry brings about pet-o-geddon

Mike Crawshaw

I'm sorry...

But this has just made me laugh lots. Does that mean I'm A Bad Man and that I'm Not Going To Heaven?

(Note: 2 cats, 1 dog. None injured by electronics or peripherals. Though one of the cats does like to sleep on the printer)

UK.gov and UK.biz pour £60m into IT skills gap

Mike Crawshaw
Stop

@ Simon Painter ("Paper MCSEs")

"Yay - More paper MCSEs flooding the job market."

Optimistic, aren't you? I see them being more ECDL level. After all, if you're techy enough to know how to use Hotmail and E-Bay, then you're obviously a shoe-in as a DBA/dev/admin...

Oy! uk.gov! This is yet more nonsense!

Mosley asks Europe to change UK privacy laws

Mike Crawshaw
Flame

Hope he wins....

The Sun/Star/Mirror and glossies such as CelebJunkTattle would all go out of business in a week, leaving browsing the magazine racks a much less harrowing experience.

<-bonfire of red-top tabloids

Stick health warnings on gays, says Stock Exchange chaplain

Mike Crawshaw

An interesting perspective...

After reading this, I spoke to a friend of mine who's gay, to get his opinion. He found it hilarious. His comments (after he finished chuckling) was (paraphrased, he goes on a bit):

"This is why there are more practicing homosexuals in the UK than practicing Christians."

<SATIRE ALERT>

At this point I sent him to the local tattooist for his arse-warning (that's an "N", people!!!) appointment, after giving him a good beating for being an affront to God.

</SATIRE ALERT>

As a few people have said, religion needs a health warning. Apart from the CoFSM, of course, which is true.

UK border facial scan tests hit by errors and breakdowns

Mike Crawshaw
Go

@ b

"How can that be? My MP assures me that biometrics are magic...."

Allow me to reassure you. Biometrics are, indeed, magic.

* no outsider (and most insiders) don't know how it works

* it relies on gobbledigook phrases

* it never works under real conditions.

* it promises to do everything without any effort on the part of the user.

* when it does work, it doesn't do anything useful

* loads of people believe in it without question, no matter the evidence to the contrary

Trigger-happy Welsh cops taser sheep

Mike Crawshaw

Never fear, animal lovers!

The RSPCA is on the case! *cue fanfare*

And, having been on the receiving end of their attentions in the past (my dog only has a full-size Wendy House as a kennel, which is, obviously, "insufficient shelter", amongst other disgusting offences I committed, such as daring to complain when they tried to break into my property) - we can be sure that the officer in question will be thrown to the bears shortly.

(Or at least sternly told off and have his taser taken away for a couple of days until he promises not to do it again.)

Seriously, the officer in question is obviously a dick of the highest order if he thinks that it was an appropriate course of action.

(Mental Note: Daily Mail readers immediately jumped on the Welsh/Sheep/Wellies joke bandwagon. I'm never making such a wisecrack again....)

US sky marshals submit to Heart of Gold randomware

Mike Crawshaw
Happy

@ Xander / Tony Chandler "Health & Safety Throwing a Fit"

The two of you can split the new keyboard cost...!

UK minister looks for delete key on user generated content

Mike Crawshaw
Stop

I want some of his drugs

"TV is where people often look for expert or authoritative opinion."

Really. Is it.

Expert opinion like "yeah you really should pay £50,000 more than you can afford in your wildest dreams for this house, because it's a great investment" that's STILL showing on all those fucking "I Wanna Nu HOUSE!" shows?

Or perhaps the conspiracy theories shown on Panorama etc, which even I, as a man who changes his tin foil hat every month to prevent anyone developing a microwave that can bypass its countours following satellite imagery, laugh at?

Or Big Celebrity Strictly Come Wanking Pigs Brother? Those are expert and informative, for sure.

Expert opinion my furry arse. It's about as authoritative as the definition of short selling, wear and tear and immigration rules on Wikipedia....

Conclusion: the man is a twat. And you can put that on TV, because it's an authoritative opinion.

ITV gets adverts into video

Mike Crawshaw
Coat

ARGH!!!!

FFS, can these people not get it through their moronic fucking skulls that people are trying to get the fuck AWAY from this continuous bombardment of bullshit advertisements in everything we see and hear??? That's why AdBlock, NoScript, Tivo etc are all so popular, and the base concept has been increasing in popularity ever since someone first thought up "I know, I'll go for a piss during the adverts!!!"

</rant>

Mine's the one saying "NOT A TARGET MARKET" on the back!

3 threatens, T-Mobile shoots on late payments

Mike Crawshaw

Remember 10 years ago...

when, if you were 2 weeks late, you lost outgoing calls (which included voicemail) until you paid - with an extra £10 charge.

More than a month late, you were looking at full disconnection, with a c£30 reconnection fee - if they decided to allow you to reconnect. If you, or they, decided against reconnection, they'd chase you for any outstanding line rental on your contract period not completed.

(figures based on O2, or Cellnet (possibly BT Cellnet?) as it was at the time)

Like Andrew, I think things are definitely better now than they were!

Home Office finally approves UK cybercoppers

Mike Crawshaw
Thumb Down

So....

Instead of ringing the local plod, and getting a disinterested twat giving us a crime reference number for insurance purposes, we'll ring the iPlod (I love that name, Neil!!), where a disinterested twat will give us a crime reference number. Progress!!!!

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