Posts by Andus McCoatover

El Reg uncovers Tiger Woods tech angle

Playmobil, natch.

Go on - I dare you! Don't know if the playmobil kit has a golf club, but El Reg has proven it's got balls!

Sunday night is Geminid night

Abdullah is set*

* Abdullah == http://www.mosqueclock.com/ (go on, click the 'fun' bit.)

It'll wake the dead. And my girl. As I set the normal alarms for 10 minutes before Abdullah calls for prayer, and she hates it, she's up and turning it off before Abdullah gets me nutting the concrete at morning prayer.

Before I remember I'm not a Muslim.

Perkele!!

We're forecast clear skies (and -20 degrees centigrade - should be a "Grand night out, Grommit - don't forget the crackers"). Abdullah will get me outabed for this. But, you folks have rarely seen the Northern lights* which makes a meteor shower look as spectacular as taking a leak in the general vicinity of that ISS piss-filter up there.

*http://finland.fi/Nature_Environment/aurora/index.html

I really hope you folks see it someday. You'll weep in awe, believe me.

Keep you posted.

Nokia N900 Linux smartphone

er, flagship stores like they HAD in Chicago...

http://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2009/12/10/nokia_stores_closing/

Y'know, I'm trying for a job at the moment. Get the usual cretinous question:

"Where do you want to be in 5 years' time"

My answer nowadays is:

"Where will YOU be in 5 years? Still in this industry, or, as most of us expect to be, shovelling shit for your daily bread? Which street do you prefer? "

Still unemployed, natch.

@mhj

"...a major showstopper is that it wouldn't recognise my 3 sim card..."

So, you bought a brick. Did I get it right? Or, do you have a different SIM card so you actually bought a (cough) phone...? Pray do tell.

New York and Chicago lose Nokia stores

Price of suck sess

"Since opening the stores in NY and Chicago (2006), consumer awareness in the US has grown substantially. Weighing those dynamics with Nokia's clear strategy in North America, and our well-established retail channel with third parties, we will close these two stores (New York and Chicago) in early 2010"

So, if the BS above is correct, and everyone's heard of Apple, and it's well-established, when does Apple close it's flagship stores?

Oh, nice. Do well, work hard, promote the brand so well that you put yourself out of work. Don'cha just luuuve those much-spouted "Nokia Values"?

As the first poster noted, it's a dead company. Partially shafted by that incredibly stupid decision by that prat Simon Beresford-Wylie to nip into bed with a tainted German strumpet, and share some siemen.

Customer Awareness? More like "Customer Bewareness".

Yep. Dead as a nail on the lamp-room floor. We won't miss them. Not even in Finland, as the company base is practically Indo/Chinese nowadays.

I, for one welcome our new Huawei/LG* overlords.

*Just wait...it'll happen.

LHC pulverises previous record: 2.36 TeV surprise collision!

Maybe we're already ...

...in a Black Hole, no-one knows. Would we? How would it appear to us mere mortals? Dimensions would look precisely the same, surely.

However, I know what a Brown Hole looks like, having partaken of the splendid advice of El Reg and the 'Reverse Cowgirl' technique, but that's another story...

The return of the Psion-sized PC

@Shonko Kid

"Paul and Ewan at least deserve some kudos for getting this far."

Bit like saying a little old lady with her Zimmer frame, shuffling painfully and pitifully up the wrong road to her house deserves some Kudos for getting so far.

Close, but absolutely NO cigar.

We're British, and therefore support the underdog. Up to a point.

(Should've got Alan Sugar on board. He'd have got it right. Credit to the bloke, you might dislike him and his arrogant attitude , but when you can pull a few hundred quid out of your pocket, then you can argue the point.)

Piy it's £500.

Gut feeling that price will kill this before it's soiled it's first nappy. That, for this kinda machine is regrettable.

Oh, and WindowsXP? Daft. Like putting a V6 engine in a Fiat 500. Plus 800x480 resolution - fair enuf, but 32Mb display memory...WTF???? Must be a typo. if not, bye bye battery life.

I'd snap one up at €200, with Linux. Bought my missus' Asus 701 - still going strong - at €150, albeit with a €10/month, all-you-can-eat 3G modem. (2 year contract, but - so what? I use it when I travel, and with port-forwarding to the wireless modem, it's good enough at home)

I look forward to an El Reg test, when this machine actually ships.

As to the 'badge-engineered' comment above - obvious - why else would it come with TD-SCDMA (Chinese-only standard IIRC), but 3G is noted as an option? Finnish keyboard? Chinese? Nah. Yank only, it seems.

In short, this machine doesn't make sense to me. Sorry, guys.

Google chief: Only miscreants worry about net privacy

Something to hide or to protect?

Absolutely perfectly put!

10 points for that. You're not such a 'Bumbling Fool' after all!

Pig plague alert: Avoid missionary position

Statistically..shouldn't happen to me.

My missus - due to her being a healthcare worker was innoculated in the first batch to Finland. After all, she cycles around the city, making sure her customers (at home we affectionately refer to them as the 'Grand Old Ladies/Gentlemen) have taken their pills/food, and are washed, shaved and - OK - alive. Guess the idea of giving them a dose of swine 'flu wouldn't go down well.

Actually, with the health budget mentality - if enough get it and croak, it'd save a packe...Nah, Andus, you're thinking too much ZaNuLabour.

But as she's been innoculated against H1N1, and as we're 'exchanging bodily fluids' on birthdays and public holidays then I may also be immune now. Kinda 'reverse innoculation', if you get my drift. Lester's already done a Playmobil of this, something about man-juice and alien overlords - no need to reiterate. Although the 'recommended' reverse cow-girl method quoted in the article would make me an 'underlord'. At a guess.

The statistical bit - if, say 70% of Finland's population get vaccinated, then I'm far less likely to be exposed. Added to the fact I keep my bloodstream at a totally unhealthy (to bugs) level of alcohol, I'm probably the least likely in Finland to get it.

I, for one welcome our new reverse cow-girl over.., er, thingies.

Cosmopolitan...Sheesh.

Once there was an article/discussion about vibrators.

A "Wise Doctor" injoined "One should never put anything unsterilised into the vagina".

A far wiser woman replied "How would you suggest sterilising a penis? Would boiling suffice?"

Elevators...

"Yesterday, I came to work to see a handwashing station IN THE GODDAMNED ELEVATOR"

Not so odd. Think it through.

I was in China at the middle of the SARS epidemic. (I was one of the few Nokia folks from Europe to agree to go).

It immediately dawned on me to use matchsticks to press the buttons in the hotel's elevator, as that's something everyone in the hotel touched.

Never got SARS, but because I happened to sneeze - once - on my first day back, due to travelling in cattle-class and breathing relatively dry air for 14 hours, I got a weeks' free sick leave. I was absolutely fine. (Last paragraph simplified, but you get the drift).

Oh, and Missinary Position's good for us. Easier for us to hold the brown paper bags over our heads without tearing them, natch. We're both 'fugly uckers'.

Accused phone thief snared after phone sends pic to victim

Could have saved a lot of money..

...if his finger twitched. Just slightly, natch.

Physicists assemble world's smallest snowman

10 points! Good on you, folks.

Lovely piccie! Next year, I'll bet they can get a reindeer in the piccie! (Moore's law for the IT angle, natch)

Made me chuckle.

Smut is OK, says Montreal prof

Painstaking research?

Surely, that should read "hard research"?

OK, gorrit.

Should you lose your religion on your CV?

@Jake

"Third, somewhat sadly, when you boil it down, it's always about the money ... live, learn, adapt, grow within your field. It's the only way to get on in life."

Yep, been there, done that.

I was General Manager of a UK software company for a couple of years, until we finally realised DEC had stopped making the VAX.

Probably got the T-shirt somewhere.

But as I'm now unemployed, I'm loving it!

As someone once said, "If you win the rat-race, you're still a rat".

Nothing personal by this, or indeed the last post, but I disagree it's only about money. If I could find a way to build toilets for villagers in third-world states (not talking London Docklands ;-), I'd do it. In fact, I was chairman for "Poor Shepherds Orphanage" in Kenya for awhile, until my mind decided to take an unscheduled excursion.

Starfish. I'd love to have that on my CV (http://www.starfishdifference.com/)

BR

-Andus

Fan?

Actually, the more I read, the more I liked. With reservations.

It's your subsequent postings, rather than the article I had objections about, but I did like the shredding ransom-notes and coloured text a lot. Happened to me, too. As a recipient, I hasten to add.

Not exactly a 'fanboi', but there's sense in there. Someplace ;-).

However, arrogance doesn't suit. Keep it off _your_ C.V., please...Same with jake. Is it a requirement of a headhunter? It's a trait I'd rather not assimilate, no matter how much money it might make me. Screwing with other peoples lives isn't something I'd be proud of.

Changing peoples lives for the better, a big fat YES!!! Just wish I knew how to.....

Well...

..if I was applying for a job as a vicar...

Slightly more seriously, by girlfriends's sister (She has 6 siblings. No condoms in Finland 50 years ago "There's a war on, and put that red bedroom light out!") is a deacon in a Lutheran church. Paid job, amazingly - and declared in her job application she has a live-in lover, who's also a very pleasant - girl.

Got the job, of course.

Slightly less amusing is the writer's rather arrogant attitude.

The "I have control of your life" bits I find annoying. Sure, he could be good at his job, but - he must be a 'merkan to brag about it all the time. It detracts from the story. If, indeed, there is one any more.

(Did like the shredder bit, however. Damn good folder for his future articles. BOFH can assist, natch)

Ransom-note fonts?? Leet-speek??

I didn't understand the first phrase - OK, I thought I did, but self-denial kicked in. Fortunately, Google fixed it for me.

REALLY? For a job paying over $85K??? Are you advertising in the wrong place, like children's magazines, or porn sites? Mental hospitals? Microsoft Monthly? Or TheRegister, with an "Only Trolls And Lunatics Welcome" logo (attached, natch)?

Gobsmacked. Utterly.

Now, I gotta get a wheelbarrow to take my jaw home. It's dragging on the floor at the moment.

About the "Jewish Question"

I remember my manager hiring an Orthodox Jewish chap as a sales engineer, and my manager told me beforehand. David was his name - naturally we changed it to "Dave Yid". He preferred "Forby" - as in "4 by 2". Think about it, it'll come...

Expecting dreadlocks and a black hat and coat, I was surprised that he was as normal as me (OK, even that's pushing it a bit ;-)

Superb bloke, good at his job.

Naturally, being Jewish, his tendency to offer discounts "You seem like a nice boy, I can go 10%..." got him more sales than me. Dammit. (Hence the joke alert icon).

Only time the issue came up was when we were on a joint sales trip - his geographical area, but my expertise - and he was driving back later than expected on Friday. He pulled over, and simply asked if I'd do the driving, as Sabbath was imminent. No problem.

When we were at a hotel, I remember ordering a yummy kipper for breakfast as a mark of respect , as it was "Yom Kippur" that day....

Worked with a devout Muslim, too. Apart from his need to "nut the concrete" a couple of times a day, most tolerant bloke in, er, Christendom?

Me? I'm a Theist. Bit like saying "I support the football team that wins the cup. Whoever that turns out to be."

HR? Human Remains^W Resources???

"To quote the head of HR at another large firm, “my job is to protect the management from being sued by the staff”.

Erm, I thought the job of Human Resources is to match Humans to the right Resource.

D'ohhhh. Tw*ats.

Or, is this just another arse-covering task?

Nokia maps out next 12 months

Handset volume increase?

"Handset volumes, across the industry, will apparently rise by about ten percent over the next twelve months."

Bugger. Won't be able to fit my nice Nokia folding phone into my jeans little tiny pocket anymore. 10% volume increase? Not a chance. At the moment, it's as snug as a bug in a rug. Fits perfectly.

I guess it (the pocket) will revert back to its obviously intended use of storing condoms. Sadly, the recipient of said new home hasn't increased by ten percent, no matter what spam I subscribe to.

Icon might help...it's Friday tomorrow...YESSSS!!

LHC knocked out by ANOTHER power failure

Funny...

..how I was thinking about Prince Philip's erroneous quote earlier today. Apt.

When he was inspecting a Scottish factory, he remarked that a piece of electrical kit "looked like it'd been installed by an Indian*".

Now, he's been proved correct. Should've used the "outsourced" word as well.

*For other readers less versed, he meant "looked like it'd been installed by a Cowboy" - being a euphamism for shoddy labourers in UK.

[QUOTE] "You've tried the cowboys now try the indians", Indian builder's van

Bumbling NJ firemen, cops blown up in 'huge fireball'

Barbecue? A doddle.

I never can understand why barbecue fuel is made from almost-impossible-to-light material.

Why the fuc*k we don't just recycle old sofa's? I remember at school being told that "a house can be set on fire by a carelessly dropped cigarette on a sofa".

So, use sofa-stuff. For effective ignition, I guess the cigarette can't be strategically placed, but must be dropped carelessly, possibly lobbed over the shoulder, as you would do with spilt salt.

Finns fail to warm to 2.6GHz auction

@ Richard Freeman - I think it's deliberate...

If I understand, the choice of frequency near the water absorption frequency is to _deliberately_ reduce the range, so cell planning is easier. More smaller cells rather than a few big ones gives better 3G data rates - there's only so many orthogonal Walsh codes (which separate the users), and more users slide the Walsh codes 'up the Walsh Tree' - less users can be fit in.

It's been a few years since I was trained on 3G technology, so I might have got it wrong but..

The microwave shouldn't affect a spread-spectrum signal, being a (relatively) singular entity - it shouldn't appear in the mobile's decoder. That's one of the beauties of spread-spectrum.

Once bitten, twice shy?

Do folks have such brief memories they forget the stupid prices paid in the UK for a chunk of spectrum (which, of course nobody 'owns'), and the result of that?

We're in a bloody recession, FFS - Finnish dwellers like me on the dole are forced to shop for food at Lidl, not more luxurious shops like K-Market or Stockmann.

So we go for the cheapest phone deal we can find. Bollocks to high-end phones, we wanna just call our mates, not watch bloody TV or do funny multimedia downloads. The manufacturers haven't grasped it, pushing new 'must-have' features on the latest shiny phones. HEY!! Wakey-Wakey!! Most folks wanna talk on the phone, that's all !!

The Network Operators know this. CAPEX/OPEX, they've been here before.

Wonder why network operators here are struggling? Finns are by nature generally very frugal, making even the Scots (renowned to be as tight as a duck's arse on an MP's lake) look extravagant.

In short, no surprise to me.

Head-cam video used to OK Arkansas cop kill

Officer in jail? No way, José

"If the same event took place in England the officer would be in jail for murder"

Nope. Current score IIRC is - accidental* death to a member of the Public: 30

Officers held responsible: 0

The shot man would have been better off carrying a chair-leg. Or being Brazilian. Maybe a silly cigarette lighter might be better.

*This wasn't accidental, natch. Neither was Stockwell. Or making a Waldorf salad.. However, no cop has ever been convicted (Ian Tomlinson/G20 - we await) of unlawful killing.

To paraphrase Python, "The deceased dealt a nasty blow to my bullet with his body, M'Lud."

</satire>

Odd..

..the clip instantly reminded me of the old video game "Doom", somehow. Just missing the music, but I guess that'll be added by the time it makes it onto Youtube before the weekend.

Imagine if the cop's gun had been a BFG9000. No bloody house left.

Think it was a 'fair cop', though. Pity someone lost his life.

Pitchfork-wielding mobs encircle smart meters

History repeats...

Years ago when working at BT, Bearley Labs, near Stratford-upon-Avon I designed a receiver to decode the fast-code (no longer existing - slow code only nowadays) time signal from MSF, Rugby. I was about 21 at the time - first shot was using TTL, second was using a National INS8060 (SC/MP - or 'scamp') microprocessor. Both worked.

My manager was furious at the time for my use of an AGC (automatic gain control) circuit using a jFET (3N918?) to shunt the signal, complaining the charge-pump I used would be too leaky, and not work. To his chagrin, it worked reliably. (For years. I took the TTL version home with me when I left - used it as a kitchen clock for - oh, maybe 5 years. It was about the size and power consumption of a large toaster. We used the same AGC circuit in other projects - he got to calling it the "à la Crofts AGC")

Happily due to the size of the 40-pin device, it wouldn't fit into the electricicty meters - needed somewhere to store the 'shilling for the meter', etc. Dead.

Still have the original 30-year old pencilled hand-written assembly code someplace. Guess I can stick a scan of it on Google's "cloud" and post a link if enough people give a shit. One page of A4.

(Uni lecturer here in Oulu uses it as an example of tight coding. 210 bytes or so. Now, what was that about Vista?)

Atlantis glides home with choked pee nozzle

Weight?

Er, where's it weighed? I can (vaguely) imagine pissing a Golden Shower at the piss-machine, and it (the piss) floating around the ISS, weighing less than an MP's duck-house in space, like my apartment - - 30 sq. metres, which I recently renamed Bugger Hall.

Volume much more useful. Ta muchly, folks.

'Alien spies live among us' says Bulgarian gov space boffin

Bulgarian science aint so bad..

After all, the Bulgarians invented Airbags. I think...

Odd website name.

novinite.com seems to be an anagram for "no invite.com"

I.e., the aliens aint wanted. Now sod off, and take your crop circles with you.

Is someone pulling someone's plonker here?

Atlantis astronaut flying high over baby's birth

Nappies? / Diapers?

Don't think nappy-changing by a Shuttle astronaut is particularly unique..

Word "Nowak" springs to mind...OK, it was on the ground, but reasonably close to a serviceable aircraft.

Icon? I won't!!!

@James McAllister, and @Wize

10 points each!

Unfortunately you owe the pub a new keyboard. Nice one, folks.

-Andus

VTOL gyro-copter flying car mates with killer robot

@Steve Evans

No, Steve, my point was that if a gyro engine cuts out, it's just as vulnerable as a plane over the Hudson. It's really a matter of luck, what's the wind doing at the time etc, no matter how well skilled the PIC is.

No offence to any gyro ops. here intended. You folks have my admiration. And, you can also borrow my straight-jacket and padded bedroom if you like.

Of course, you could always use it in the kitchen...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8KsAPoSuPI

@ Some out of date comments here.....

"cut the prop and the thing drops 'gently' to the ground"

Oh, really? Motor cuts on final. No chance to use runway, so grass field only option.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2YOFcZr2tM

(Happened in Ireland. Amazingly, the pilot was totally unscathed - walked away. RAF definition of 'a good landing')

Beer Icon, 'cos I bet he needed one after that.

The non-hovering ability? You'd be surprised!

Check this video out. Pity about the sound-track, which is NSFW, but...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UMaGsg9cg0

It's an ELA Aviaccion 08, and I fuc*king WANT ONE!! (Santa, I've been a good boy so far today. So I'm asking you nicely before I get out of bed. Pleeease! Only about €40K)

As David Coleman would've said "Quite, quite remarkable!"

Atlantis specialists set for ISS spacewalk

Grief, is it so long ago?

I remember seeing a shuttle atop a 747 flying over Warwick (That's the one in Warwickshire, UK for the US folks)*.

That was before STS was launched for the first time, so I guess - oh, 1980-ish? It was the Enterprise, which never flew into space, but was used for 'gliding' tests.

Amazing sight. I'll never forget seeing that, even though I only saw it for 20 seconds or so. You 'Merkans who can go to see the launch - I envy you. Bigtime.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Space_Shuttle_Enterprise - scroll down to 'Retirement'

US data firm blows s**t out of server

@AC 18:48

"My - what a grey, depressing world you must live in. Oh, wait - it's England. I get it now :)"

Er, no. I'm in Finland. True freedom. (Except from the taxman, natch! ;)

And??

'nuff said.

Keepgoing.biz? Nah. Stick the backup copy on a DVD, and leave it on a train. It'll emerge in a newspaper office somewhere, from which, as history has proved that for a small fee it can be safely retrieved.

Bloody pointless exercise. Rednecks shooting something that hasn't fought back. Yet.

E-car driven from Dover to Calais

Pity.

Proof that 'leccy cars are down the tubes.

V-22 Osprey, stealth jumpjet 'need refrigerated landing pads'

Got the tiles bit...

..reusing tiles from the soon-to-be redundant Shuttles. Think there's a few left in some Texan fields someplace, but that's an old story. (Wasn't Rockall^H^H^Hwell involved with that?)

But, when the Shuttle takes off, they spray it's bottom with water (ooer, missus) for both sound/vibration reduction and cooling. IIRC.

(Does it really need a bunch of nerdy Vulture commentards to come out with this?. Nah. They've thought of it already. Maybe)

Spanish region teaches kids how to crack one off

Byline: "Pleasure is in your hands"

But it might also be in the "eye of the beholder". Gotta be careful where you point that thing.

Google Docs set for 'get rid of' Office moment

@ Tony Gregory - DANGER, Will Robinson!

LaTeX??

Don't post words like that here, or Lester'll get his Playmobil set out again...

@Shaun Hunter, and AC

Shaun - Seems it doesn't like the content of an embedded table in open Office ODF format. May have been fixed now, that was a month or so ago. My mistake - I pulled it from Google Docs in ODF, and converted it to .doc format, and poked it back - WITHOUT checking it first! I was in a hurry.

I was using another computer for this which didn't have the original on it.

Annoying to win "Cretin of the Week" title at 07:00 on a Monday morning...

AC 06:24. Nope, I'm not that daft. However, having bugger all to do sends me to the pub, and might be pushing me in that direction...Germans practically taking over part of a Finnish company, then screwing it into the ground vis ze "deutchland über alles" methodology did me in. The Krauts'll piss off in a year or so. Then it'll be Finnish again, but shafted, broke, CEO outsourced to India and taken over by Huawei. (Nokia Siemens Networks, natch).

Open Office, anyone?

Firstly, we're not yet all connected to this weird 'cloud' thingumajig. I am, but granny isn't (although, in fairness, she's sitting on one at the moment)

The thing I found really annoying was on a trip to the (un)Employment Office here in Oulu. As expected, they wanted proof that I'd been looking for a job. I keep a journal, using OOo's odf format. It details my searches, agencies I've visited, etc.

Rather than print it - printer ran out of ink, and dole payment not made before visit - I couldn't buy ink before the visit - I uploaded it on the Google Document 'cloud', just before I went to the 'Jobcentre'.

Imagine my surprise and unbridled delight when I opened the document in the presence of the 'consultant, using her computer, and discovered that the (OOo Writer) table where I'd detailed all my searches was - blank.

Yep, I can stick 'em in Microsoft's Word format, and it's ok.

Almost lost my benefits - and they don't eff about here - you get nothing for 90 days -wurkin daze - if they're not happy you're trying.

(Forget appeal - it takes about a year. You'll be homeless, bankrupt and dead from starvation before then.)

US judge rules quadriplegic can bear arms

Effing hell!

Sounds as pointless as "Photography for the Blind". Can't understand it. Sure, I can get a licence to drive a deadly vehicle (Ford Pinto springs to mind) but once I lose the facility to use it safely (i.e., go blind from excessively reading the Spanish leaflet on "Youthful DIY Onanism" excessively), I lose that right. So how is this different? Surely, it'd be more sensible for his nominated carer to own the gun/licence, then the carer lets him use it when he wants.

I think this is a case of the US's belief in the infallibility of the Constitution failing to differentiate between a 'right' and a 'privilege'. Surely the right to "Bear Arms" was written into the US constitution in the days of single-shot muskets, not Glock 9mm's?

Consider - he shoots the animal, and, once the wheelchair's stopped spinning like a top from the recoil, he can't collect said deer/bunny/bird/college student.

As to his 'leccy chair 'scaring off' animals (Stephen Hawking can do that just sitting in a deckchair with those teeth), try 'Wikipedia' for the meaning of 'stalking horse*' in hunting terms. So, he needs a horse, natch. Actually, in a wheelchair, a pony'd probably be enough.

YouTube - where are you when we need you most??? Playmobil will have to be done, sorry!

* Hunters noticed that many birds would flee immediately on the approach of humans, but would tolerate the close presence of animals such as horses and cattle.

Hunters would therefore slowly approach their quarry by walking alongside their horses, keeping their upper bodies out of sight until the flock was within firing range. Animals trained for this purpose were called stalking horses.

Dirty, dirty PCs: The X-rated picture guide

@ Familiar - sodding hell.

"The best way to accurately mould a foam insert? To put a PC in the box and flood in the evil liquid gunk round it."

Er, wrap the fuc*king PC etc. in a polythene bag first?

FFS, ain't exactly hard. Did the same trick about 25 years ago - no complaints or returns.

(Yep, I had to get a new passport because of the Ben Gurian arrival stamp in it.)

Aint just PC's...

10 years ago, I was at Nokia's basestation manufacturing facility in Oulu, Finland. Although the breed of machine I was working on was extremely reliable, we did have the odd failure, as can be expected. Usual was lightning killing the transmisson - but that was 'cos the customer had used bell wire for the A-bis (BSC-BTS connection), which isn't good at screening.

But, back on track - I heard a scream from one of the operators who'd opened a machine for repair from Indonesia. Poor lass had to go for a lie-down. When I saw the problem, I felt like one too (she was pretty, but...)

They've got these nasty red ants in Indonesia, and thousands of them had climbed the power cable and snuck inside, presumably to keep warm. Unfortunately, for some 220 volt reason that escapes me, they'd died*, and their decomposing and swelling bodies had pushed the PSU - motherboard connector apart.

Sheesh, happily I've a good constitution, but more sense, therefore I ordered a young work-experience PFY student to clear the fuc*kers out. (BOFH - thanks for the tip!)

*Not all were dead. S'pose we should've quarantined the surviving hundred or so for 6 months and adopted them as pets for my managers desk, but - think of the paperwork! Nah. Vacuum cleaner did the trick. And a match on the bag.

Terrorism chiefs don't know what they've censored online

Sounds like one of the last lines in "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Jolly Roger: "I am glad to say that we have some of the best people in the world doing this work, but it is highly complicated"

Raiders: '...top people working on it', as the ark is fork-lifted into storage by a brown-dustcoated old duffer, to be forgotten forever.