* Posts by Keith T

84 publicly visible posts • joined 13 Nov 2007


Tiscali confirms sell-off is on the table

Keith T
IT Angle

Not much different from Cable TV companies

When cable TV finally got off the ground in the UK there were loads of companies selling it. Quickly that number narrowed down and eventually we're left with a small handful of big players.

It's only expected that broadband goes the same way as the rest of services getting lumped together. I'm waiting for the next round of venture capitalist buy-outs which ends up with me trying to work out if I'm paying a French or German water company for both my gas and internet.

As usual the customers are praying that a takeover will improve services -- unlikely as they will become even smaller fish.

I'm not looking forward to becoming a customer of BTMicroHoo, myself.

NASA reveals Moon's rugged south pole

Keith T

Football field

"The antenna, three-quarters the size of a football field,"

That would be a U.S. football field, not U.K.

-- so about 1 1/2 Olympic swimming pools?

Google enters underwater cable business

Keith T

Maybe not such a bad idea after all

Considering the amount of crap orbiting the planet and that both the US and China are developing a taste for trying to create as much space junk as possible it could be safer in the long term to go undersea.

---- As long as some (w)anchor doesn't go fishing.

Nintendo to introduce online play charges

Keith T
IT Angle


or 'me too'.

Must go and check.

Dunno, unspecified update.

Doesn't say what it was an update for.

Am I to expect one every Tuesday now that M$'s updates have lost their regular slot?

Second Life comes to the third screen

Keith T


Get A Life on mobes?

"So put in your earplugs,

Put on your eyeshades,

You know where to put the cork!"

Scientist warns against technology addiction

Keith T

Techno addict?

So if we habitually use mobes instead of land line are we techno addicts?

I'm personally addicted to the masterpiece of technology known as the electric kettle. I just can't stop making tea.

Toasters can also be habit -forming.

"a designated email-free day in the office." Sod the trees, we'll all use paper post instead.

I have noted though, that it can't be a 'proper' report as it's not coming from a boffin - only a scientist.

MS + Yahoo! = Microhoo! - Official!

Keith T

Thanks for the logo

Someone buy a pint or three for whoever came up with the logo.

It's good enough to be the un-official logo for whatever they choose for the name.

Made oi larf

Jedi to open Surrey academy

Keith T

If you think this is silly . . .

. . . then you need to be reminded of David Ike.

As Yoda might say (if he wasn't CGI and latex) "Life you need to get a".

Counterfeit vans: A little-known online grocery scam

Keith T


They are terrorists plotting to infiltrate Middle-England via the 'nice' route. They are planning to substitute all the Ocado drivers with their own highly-trained suicide grocery delivery vans. Once inside gated communities and having done the deliveries they will remotely detonate all the loaves of bread and spuds, the vans will also go up leaving no where to run if something is suspected and honest citizens flee their homes.

At home here we are looking suspiciously at a garlic-ciabatta that we had had delivered and hadn't ordered. Will it be safe to put it in the oven? Am I conspiring to handle terrorist materials? If I recycle the millions of carrier bags at my local Tesco will they spontaneously combust?

Forth Road Bridge hack redirects to smut bazaar

Keith T


"hacked in order to serve up pop-up ads for porn sites."

I know it sounds smug but as an Adblock user--

What's a pop-up?

PC World cuts £250 off the price of Apple's MacBook Air

Keith T


Someone not quite getting the point of the article?

It actually reads -- "with prices like these who the eff would want to go to PC World?

(MacAirheadbook is almost unusable without an extra bag full of add-ons, we can see where the savings on size are)


EU to ban the patio heaters that ate the planet. Not.

Keith T
Paris Hilton

Another reason for getting rid of patio heaters

Apparently small bitey insects are drawn to the Co2 that these things give off .

Getting rid of patio heaters may relieve us of mozzie bites while trying to eat a burger at a barbie.

(Paris as there's enough hot air about her already)

NASA to beam Beatles song into deep space

Keith T
Paris Hilton

Interplanetary Psychological Warfare


I thought we were supposed to get on with our neighbours, not subject them to vastly over-rated shite.

What's next? the Carpenters and their Interplanetary Wotsit bollocks?

Yoko Ono is just after more bloody royalties, can't we just send her out as an emissary - just use one of the older shuttles, it won't get far.

If there are other beings out there about to complain - it's not most of us --only a tiresome few.

Paris as it's another annoying thing that could be sent out to space

Driller Killer unleashed on UK public

Keith T

Fictional or real?

Let's see-- happy slapping, bitch fights, road crashes - all available for free on the web. Road fatalities swapped between phones (or mobes to really annoy people).

And there's nothing quite like an old Kung Fu movie with breaking bones and spraying claret.

'Wii workout' for overweight pupils plan slammed

Keith T
Paris Hilton

re: FFS!

I can only assume this is from someone who hasn't been in a classroom for some time.

I've recently introduced 'Scratch' from MIT in to my local school. The kids have taken to it quickly as they've not been told "This is what you are supposed to do". They play with it instead.

Am I to assume that that learning a form of programming isn't useful for eight year olds? It's even (dare I mention the 'F' word) fun judging by the chatter and laughs.

Translate my website... bitch

Keith T

Bork it!

There is always the option of running it through the Bork translator on Firefox -- it turns text to that of the Swedish Chef from the Muppets.

or - "Zeere-a is elveys zee oopshun ooff roonneeng it thruoogh zee Bork trunsletur oon Fureffux -- it toorns text tu thet ooff zee Svedeesh Cheff frum zee Mooppets"

Keith T

Money for nothing and your Check(oslovakinan) for free

No pay for that work?

At least over on Second ( Get-A ) Life you can charge for such services.

Polish IT worker calculates exact speed of snail mail

Keith T

Pigeon Post problems

As Mage pointed out pigeon post has its hazards. This is a system developed by dogs to halt the reduction of available postmen to attack and usually known as Counter Avian Transportation Security.

Phishing coders hook clueless crooks

Keith T

The Biter Bit -- Fleas?

"Great fleas have little fleas upon their backs to bite 'em,

And little fleas have lesser fleas, and so ad infinitum.

And the great fleas themselves, in turn, have greater fleas to go on;

While these again have greater still, and greater still, and so on."

100Mbit/s sewer broadband rollout coming your way

Keith T

I'm the slime oozing out of your TV set.

There will be a shit-load of people worrying about it being unhygienic - "Internet through the sewers? what about the smell?"

LLU - Local Loo Unbundling?

Cable or Sewer providers? - I've fallen between two stools on this one.

Will my P.C. become infected or just covered in flies?

As this will be a 'virtual paper' environment will too many e-mails clog the system?

Will I need to get the new Norton Plunger to clean other parts of my system?

Are Dyno-Rod about to become an Independant Shit Provider?

Round these parts, most of the cable TV piping isn't used that much. It shouldn't be too great a task to go from main sewer to green box.

That's better, cleared a load off my mind.

Paris angle? - has anyone smelt Paris? (the city that is)

Major HTML update unveiled

Keith T

National Irony Day?

"Web sites have moved from being a collection of static pages to media-rich communities leveraging participation."

Thanks for that - I'll be chuckling all day - -especially having just read the thread on Web 2.0.

Maybe it should read "Web sites have moved from being a collection of static pages to media-rich communities leveraging participation comprising of the old static stuff having Java thrown at it."

(does 'participation' mean 'sales'? by any chance)

Librarians challenge Web 2.0 youf-work myths

Keith T
Gates Horns

Conspiracy theory

I reckon that dear old M$ are behind it all.

It's a (supposedly) graphic-based (ie columns and pictures and layout) thang that looks functional but doesn't get there.

"Hello? PC World? - I'm having trouble with Web 2.0 - it's slow and clunky". "Ah, you need a new laptop with Vista on it"

"Web 2.0 -- powered by Vista-aaargh"

Becta exec admits mistakes on education IT

Keith T

Time, gentelmen, please.

"Becta's chairman Andrew Pinder said teachers are unable to keep up with the pace of Westminster-driven IT rollout in schools."

Doesn't he mean that they are pissed off with various separated bodies not only moving goalposts but also demanding they get repainted each time?

Teachers have a constant stream of 'new ideas' to work at depending on what the latest teaching flavour is decreed to be. What they could do without is the idea that IT is the global panacea for educational woes that seems to be founded ion some odd notion that all parents are middle-class broadband connected educationalists.

Not only that but there is a lot of paperwork created by this paperless process and the paperwork also has to be dealt with - sometime, but not during school time.

Former DEA agents sue over American Gangster

Keith T
Black Helicopters

Howard Marks

Howard has a few stories about US planes transporting substances around.

Years ago there was none of yer skunk, just loads of black stuff from Pakistan, India and Afghanistan. Transportation was, apparently, often courtesy of Uncle Sam's boys.

Noriega also used to use US planes to send marching powder to the Land of the Free (tm).

It almost seems to be policy rather than a one-off.

Home Sec in anti-terror plan to control entire web

Keith T

Not a Cnut

@TeeCee - Knut and the water business has been misreported and used in a negative way. He actually was demonstrating that he had no power over the waves, not that he could command them. "What was that? 'the Greek shall inherit the earth?' "

Top marks for BT basically telling Auntie Jaqui to piss off. If it hadn't been flogged off then The Home Office would still have total control. Horse gone, stable demolished, door for sale on e-bay.

Tarantino plans Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! remake

Keith T
Thumb Up

could be interesting

Considering the venture in to honouring the Grindhouse movies it's almost a natural progression.

As Russ Meyer never did much in the way of subtle in his films, I hope there will be something with the humour like the fight at the Titty Twister in Dusk Till Dawn. Blood, gore, guns and nekkid wimmin - so corny that Russ could have shot it.

Japanese whalers lash protesters to mast

Keith T

re: leave everyone alone

"Unlike the barbarians who machete their neighbours to death because an election didn't go their way" You're right, y'know. In the civilised world we can afford guns and petrol and fertiliser and the courts and commerce to kill each other.

As for the whales - the 'experiments' tend to lead to a lot of spare meat.

And Sea shepherd's logo is a pirate -they believe in direct action but not enough to match the violence done to the whales.

Parliament ponders the weight of e-petitions

Keith T


E-voting could be an earner for those rather capable folks over in Russia.

Drop a little package on a Bot-farm for which ever party you want to win or tip the balance in another direction.

The package only has to use existing data from the machines - stuff like birthdates and N.I. numbers. Could even check for incoming voting mail or make a request.

Judging by the amount of crap mail that gets filtered out from my account there's plenty of available 'voters'.

Brighton professor bans Google

Keith T
Paris Hilton

Isn't there software to check the entries?

ISTR there is software out there that can scan and check for Goggle/Wiki copies and also for rehashed on-line articles.

It's also pretty obvious when you get students submitting entries that appear very similar.

By encouraging students to use Google they learn to wade through the piles of crap to dig out gems of information. I take it the Prof doesn't encourage wide and varied research methods including Wiki and Google. I can only assume she doesn't use them herself.

Or was she put off when she was looking for info on Paris -- I got to page four on Google before finding anything about Greek mythology.

Junkie sues pusher over heart attack

Keith T

Are Rizla to blame . . .

. . . for the holes in my t-shirt?

Becta excludes Vista, Office - again

Keith T
Gates Horns

'Up to date operating systems'

Erm, how about running a mixture of new-ish and ancient machines at my local Primary school - none of which have the processing power or memory to run Vista.

There is also the added gem of running through RM Window Box (going soon) that has issues with older rehashed Win 3.11 and W95 software.

New laptops were fortunately sourced pre-Vista and although they weren't set up for some time it does mean that they are a hell of a lot quicker than f they'd got Vista.

I'm starting to introduce the concept that free software can be damn good, having installed Scratch from M.I.T. on 30 machines. Not easy in an environment where some the kids have a better idea than the staff but we're getting there.

With a wide mixture of software on the machines life is easier without 'upgrading' and tying up financial resources with the legitimised pirates.

Not only that but we can't wait all day for Vista to go through its "Are you sure you want to run this?" " Are you really sure?" " Are you really, really, really sure?"

Beware the populist mash oozing out of Facebook and YouTube

Keith T

With friends like these

I've always thought that invitations from 'friends' to get in touch in Facebook are similar to getting spam from e-mail addresses of people I know.

My partner has had success in finding relatives and one friend we'd not seen for about 20 years but otherwise it still appears to be the Tower of Babel and now that Douglas Adams is dead we've no Babelfish to make sense of it all.

You Tube - as others have said - once past the scum on the surface, keeps old farts happy with videos of long-dead musicians and what the fuss about Mento's and Coke is all about.

Strange though, no mention of Second (get a) Life and its blatant commercialism.

Why waste all that bandwidth just to see loads of adverts?

Mk II... er, Tank Chair trundles into Las Vegas

Keith T

War on the beachfront

Considering the normal aggressive use of electric buggies at the seas side this will go down well in Eastbourne.

You thought you were safe on the beaches? -- now they've got tracks to go over the pebbles.

No doubt for the merkin market you can get a matching taser.

Fluorescent sow drops glow-in-the-dark piglets

Keith T


Sausages with a green tint are nothing new.

The unlicensed hot dog stalls have been selling them for years.

But, if they do glow in the dark then a pack of chipolatas will be much cheaper (and easier to biodegrade) than yer average glow-stick.

I'll get me new fluorescent jacket - it's made out of crackling.

Cameron blames Labour naivety for NHS IT woes

Keith T

Second Thoughts and Deja Vu

Apart from the Blue Meanies instigating the whole mess of NHS IT, isn't dreamy Dave also carping on about 'decentralisation' again?

This seems to go against the idea of a centralised database but do we end up then with loads of local databases coupled to a central one?

We'd most likely get problems transferring data from one site to another, the best option then would be to post it on CD's.

Keith T
IT Angle

Didn't do history at Eton then.

It was the Tories that started the whole pocket-lining farce running.

Huge amounts of dosh spent and none of it doing anything than either lining the pockets of IT consultants or diverting NHS funds from actually treating people.

We also had the start of 'competitive tendering' which meant cleaning and other work went to contracting agencies who also demand their slice of NHS money and then reduce the number of cleaners and support staff.

The Shiny Headed One ought to look back at the failed central records projects before instead blaming it on those who followed. It may well not help that NuLabor(tm)* also use the corporate model to ru(i)n what was public services but it does help to remember when the ball started rolling.

NuLabor(tm) a Bush/Haliburton company

Alcoholic rats' boozing slashed by mutant superpower drug

Keith T


So, you just want to get thoroughly 'Rat arsed'.

Google to reinvent UK newspaper biz

Keith T
Paris Hilton

Yet another reason . . .

. . . to have Ad Block installed.

Or will I be missing out on a retail experience opportunity?

Microsoft readies Hal 9000

Keith T

monitors things like "frustration and stress." -2

Frustration and stress -- hmm, we are talking about an M$ product here, aren't we? Right, so the programme will provide the benchmark for itself to start with and will detect levels of stress and frustration thus proving that it works and is well worth the money.

If nowt else it will keep the beancounters happy as it will be the first M$ product they've paid for that actually does what it says on the tin.

(Not that there will be any spare processing or memory to run anything else.)

UK gov sets rules for hacker tool ban

Keith T
Black Helicopters

There's more than one of me?

Hmm, I appear to be here already.

I'd not posted anything to this thread.

Just who is this 'Spartacus' bloke anyway?

German privacy activists cry foul over data retention law

Keith T

Should use the U.K. model instead

We don't have problems with personal data retention in the U.K.

We have a well-tried system that has been developed over the years known as the 'Fuckknows' method.

Data is passed from place to place then, eventually, when asked where it is, a government official spends half an hour saying 'Fuck knows. We gave it to an office junior and it's gone'

This, so far, has proved to be the most efficient means of data security as no bugger anywhere has a clue where it is. The only thing that is retained is the huge salary of those ultimately responsible for the data.

Red Dwarf even more dwarfish

Keith T
Paris Hilton

"I give up, it's a banana"

What sort of smeghead will be silly enough to cough up three quid a week?

Mainly those who believe that Arnold J. Rimmer is a vastly misunderstood character, I guess

"For just three pounds a week you get a new picture of Kochanski"

(maybe not such a bad idea after all)

Scutters v's K9

Who would win

Asus to show second-gen Eee PC next week

Keith T

"So plenty more opportunities.."

Not for more of the same pic -- about time for an upgraded photo to go with the upgraded machine.

Tories offer NHS IT rescue plan after major patient data losses

Keith T
IT Angle

Wasn't it . . .

. . the Tories that started this whole exercise in consultant pocket filling many years back with at least one failed system and one that the next mob in power 'inherited'?.

Remember? back in the days when 'local authority' was seen as a threat to central government and the withdrawing of funding for local projects used to feed the insatiable appetite of systems consultants. S'funny how things are so much clearer from the outside.

It's all politics so where's the It angle? ;-)

Wishing you an EMF-free Christmas

Keith T

Gullibles Travels

At this time of year we are supposed to also believe in sperm donation by proxy accompanied by a trio of astrologers who have left it a bit late for the pressies and ended up with bling, smellies and antiseptic.

If we are supposed to swallow that lot then 'water with added oxygen', wrapping yerself in mum's turkey foil and wearing bits of geology is a doddle.

I like electromagnetic radiation - it reheats my dinner.

The flock is only there for the fleece.

I've gone for the alien icon so the Scientologists can have their own little angel for the tree. bless.

Serious Flash vulns menace at least 10,000 websites

Keith T

But it's pretty!

Maybe Flash is the web equivalent of Powerpoint. If it looks pretty then that's all you know and all you need to know. Never mind the quality and all that. It's not there for yer average Reg reader, it's there for the rest of the punters.

But it's also there for serious reasons - bringing informative and sensitive information to us. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/CSI/ for example.

Yes, it's a nuisance if there isn't a 'skip intro' available but for animation it's been superb. Might just need a wee bit of tidying up, is all.

Indignant reader defends Idiot 2.0™

Keith T

re: There used to be days...

Refreshing for others to see through the 'personal choice' veil.

'Choice' is being provided by business - not through some altruistic means - some one out there needs paying for the server space and the comms.

Tell the folks it's 'freedom of expression' and they'll be so grateful they'll put up with all the adverts whether targeted or not.

Encourage the masses to talk more and more bollocks and you get more and more adverts looked at.

Not really 'freedom of speech', just more marketing.

Use it by all means - loads of photo hosting and pretty chat rooms like Facebook but remember what it's really there for.

A quote from Blazing Saddles comes to mind

"You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. "

Grabs flameproof suit and runs for the exit

Anti-virus protection gets worse

Keith T

If in doubt . . .

. . don't click.

Education is better than shelling out for the bloated stuff that usually comes with a machine. It doesn't help that many users never even click on 'update' on their anti-virus S/W as the icon in the system tray says 'Norton' or similar so the 'must' be protected.

It also doesn't help when testosterone gets in the way and the thought of a surreptitious peek at the crotch of some celeb silences any warning bells in the head.

Oh yes, and how are you supposed to test for variants - e-mail the virus writers for the next Spring collection or knock up a few of your own with the available kits?

Drivers on the phone face the slammer

Keith T

@ Big Dave

"Drivers ARE an overly persecuted bunch because they are easy targets and a money-spinner for HMG. If drivers were of any one ethnic group there would be no problem getting many of the current "safety" measures repealed on the basis of racism and human rights infringement, but because they aren't they are fair game."

Historically it was Winston Churchill who started the ball rolling by deciding that the Road Fund License was too big a pot to be left to roads alone.

Drivers are easily persecuted 'cos they are easy to spot when they are being twats. If the police actually enforced all the RTA stuff then the constant practice of having half your car over the white line at traffic lights when they're on red would also see you bleating.

rABiD are well known for their "everybody hates us" whine and seem to constantly use the "if it were foreigners we'd be treated different" rant. The very people who encourage dodgy driving don't seem to give a toss about human rights for those who are wee bit more considerate.

Give us a break and stop steering with your knees while fiddling around looking for GATSO's on your SatNav.

Dell spills its Guts over Ubuntu gear

Keith T

Games on PC's?

In our house most games are played on consoles -- apart from stuff like solitaire but they are Open Source games anyway.

Even the humble PS3 is gaining in popularity and the 360 is pretty highly regarded.

If you're gonna play high-end games you may well end up with a high spec M$ machine but here the Wii is well used and has been since it came out over a year ago.

(Many kids are more impressed by my Wii than the spec of my daughter's P.C. - she plays Sims on the Wii anyway)

Who really needs to buy "500 games for a tenner" when they are leftovers from the days of Win 3.11 and Win 95 and really don't need XP or Vi$ta.

Give me psychotic rabbits and Mario Galaxy anyday.

(that should be enough to upset those who have more processing power on their graphics cards than on the motherboard.)