Posts by Martin Lyne

Debbie Gibson battles Mega Shark and Giant Octopus

IT RISES!

This actually looks bloody great. At least worth a comeback for MST3K (unless it actively self-parodises)

Brown red in face after blusher found in cab

El Reg - Funny Articles

El Reg - Funny Articles = ZDNet (- the funny bits there)

If the cab had set fire then it'd be even more Reg-relevant and even LESS IT-centric! *gasp!*

My advice: Build a bridge and get the fuck over it. I felt the same way about Paris Hilton articles because even giving such a vapid moron column space for irony's sake seemed like more than she deserves. S'not like you see me moaning about it *sniff*

iPhone at war in iRaq

For.Fucks. Sake.

Can we please stop referencing brands? You're in danger of inexorably linking "handheld computing devices that can run applications" with "the fucking iPhone". If they were using HTC Touch HDs would it be worth mentioning the exact brand?

Would you list all of the brands if there were many?

I seriously doubt the US Military is limiting it's research to just iPhone apps.

I do, however, approve of this use of technology to build hypothetical bridges

Chip cooler launches liquid nitro at CPUs

So

Do you put little canisters of LiqNi in, or is it a bigger flask witha tube? How much do they cost and last?

Too much sunshine makes you commit suicide

Or..

Or the darkness made them depressed, but they didn't want to die in the dark, so they waited for the sunlight period to start again..

Oompa-Loompa and Tinky Winky cuffed for drunken brawl

Actually..

I would imagine Spiderman being involved in a brawl, it's what he does, generally..

Star Trek Klingon lingo hits cutting room floor

Karplah

Q'plah!

Isle of Man KKK burns cross on Facebook

damn,..

Bloody combovers! Coming over here, hiding our balding pates!

Yes! It's the invisible¹ shed²!

@Jon Brunson

True, some japanese scientist recently devised a device that somehow alters the refractive index again, when pressed against the inside of a metamaterial, so you'd be able to choose where you make a small, visible peep hole.

Google name 'worth $100 billion,' says Strategy Boutique

Imagine

Imagine eating a whole cod in one mouthful! Painful..

But anyway. Notice Strategy Pootique aren't high on that list, despite what tehy charge, presumably they don't expect too many more commissions, 3 more naming commissions and they'd already have more than Google..

Army officer tossed laptops into the sea

One acronym for you

WEEE.

Kindle users get burnt

Seems fair

If the USB is free, no harm to charge for the wireless option, downloading a 5Gb book should cost more than a 12k pamphlet.

Department of Homeland Security to destroy swine flu victims

Meant

Is it meant to be Destination? They are very dissimilar words.. comedy gold but also kinda scary.

Mole talks up Palm Pré... 2

This

doesn't encourage me to buy the first one.

I am glad it doesn't have a new wallet-snaffling consultant porking name though.

Roll on the HTC Touch HD 2, I say

Star Trek halted by pig plague

Why delay release?

Well, take a viral outbreak, then entice large numbers of people to congregate in a confined space with minimal person-to-person distances. Haven't you ever watched Outbreak? NEVER OPEN YOUR MOUTH IN A CINEMA!

HTC Touch Diamond 2

Oh for..

Oh for fu-er-goodness' sake!

LET'S SCRIMP ON THE CAMERA, THAT'LL BUY ANOTHER MODEL

Again, HTC fall short of uber by needlessly missing out a key feature.. such a shame, they nearly had my £400.

ISPs eye role in Jacqui's mass surveillance system

Hmm..

" Virgin Media said: "As a responsible ISP, Virgin Media understands the needs of law enforcement groups, however any policy changes must not sacrifice customers' privacy." "

So.. now CORPORATIONS are protecting me (were I a VM user) from the Privacy snatching GOVERNMENT.

This is so arse-backwards. Especially considering we pay both of these people.

This passing down to ISPs is just a saving-face way of letting it die. Unless they really do wnt to spend billions so each small ISP can hire a person and a multi-petabyte server to save useless crap that'll almost never prove useful.

I'd rather have a tax rebate thanks, c-nuts.

London cops trial 'leccy patrol cars

Er,,

Picture, police car, better get your lawyers ready.. TERRORIST.

Or at least prepare for a sound beating..

Street View nod prompts call for privacy watchdog reform

Hogwash

If someone can walk down the street and see it then why do you care that a 12-month old version is floating around? Sometimes you have to get off your high horse when the situation requires.

Photos of public places: no privacy issue. Deal with it.

Interstellar Bebo spamgasm targeted at 'water world'

HELLO EARTHLINGS

WE COME FROM THE SYSTEM YOU KNOW AS GLIESE.

TAKE US TO NICOLE, FOR WE HAVE A NEW REALITY TELEVISION PROGRAMME THAT WE THINK HER INABILITY TO GRASP NEW CONCEPTS AND EXTRAVERT PERSONALITY WOULD MESH WELL WITH.

OUR TELEVISION EXECUTIVES ARE OPEN TO ALL GREEN SKY THINKING AND WILL SURELY STEAL ALL OF YOUR VALUABLE AIRTIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE!

WE MAY SEEK TO REINVISAGE 'THE OFFICE' IN OUR OWN, WATERY, BOOMING VOICED FASHION THOUGH..

UNTIL NEXT TIME, HUMANS.

Old school music sales fell 8% last year

Damn Somalians

Stealing our Guitarist's jobs..

Oldsters: If you think you'll lose your memory, you will

Title

Reverse-placebo effect

Doc invents videogame sedation headset

Why

Why does it need to connect to anything? If you listen to techno or pwn at mario does it sedate you faster? I sit just a power source? Bullshit gimmic.

Facebook vote a 'massive con trick' says privacy advocate

Democracy

Can you vote FOR something? If not that might be why they incresed to 30%. I wouldn't like being dictated to by a minority of 25% (or 30 for that matter) if my abstenance was assumed to be apathy.

Much the same problem with politics today. I don't vote because choosing between turd A and turd B isn't what I want to do.

If wanted to appeal agains other users' votes against a term or condition, that shoudl hold as much weight as their moaning.

I don't really care either way though,in this instance, it has to be said.

Pirate Bay fans: Lay off our neo-Nazi Sugar Daddy

Oh dear Andrew

Forgot to untick the comments box?!

We don't mind you mentioning Neo-Nazis, perhaps you might want to include some sort of releveancy though, like your last commenter (in the article) did.

I'm sure plenty of people work/ed with KKK members and didn't know, does that make them guilty by association?

Do you know exactly what sort of people pay your wages?

When I read the initial article it did just stink of you bringing in a fact that would clearly displease people just to bolster your obvious anti-freetardism.

To me, it might be case of "the enemy of my enemy is my friend", but I doubt TPB are trying to overthrow all capitalism and I'm not aware of any racist or what-have-you evident in TPB (but then I'm not a user bar reading the occasional linked news/blog article), so joining forces with the Aryan Brotherhood (or whatever) doesn't seem to makes sense.

Unless you're intent on outing as many other average-profile, software-funding bigots as you can find? Then, please continue, knowledge is power after all.

Without an indication of some hidden agenda.. it's just using our liberalism (in the sense that we likely don't like people who don't like other people based on things they can't change) to make us not like someone that you don't like.

I hope that clears that up :)

Less smear, more news, I say.

BT chief: People don't need fibre to the home

No demand for it..

Unless of course you mean the people that pay for X Mbps, unlimited and are then told it will be J-K Mbps and capped at ABC Gb/m

I thought everyone was pissing and moaning about iPlayer/BitTorrent being onlineageddon?

Govt powers up electric cars with £5k subsidy

Approval

As someone looking to have an electric car as a first car, I approve of this. Assuming the manufacturers don't just up prices by the same.

Making things cheaper makes the transition easier, EvilGav. New technologies will always have room to get better. "Shit and impractical" would be your, probably third-hand, opinion.

Unless, of course, you own an Tesla Roadster already?

(I'm excluding piss-weak quad-bike "cars", they just seem like a death trap)

DARPA AI will trawl petabytes of UAV vid for enemy cows

Hmm

Couldn't you just get it to map it in 3d (from multiple frames and therefore angles due to UAVs gerenally flying not hovering) then just say "someone riding a large quadraped" rather than "horse" or "camel" or "a centaur" if you accidentally load some mythology in there.

Level 4 Minotaur alert, sir!

Conspiracy theories aplenty as Amazon delists gay books

Yeah..

They did it for Scientologists, you think they wouldn't do it for His Popliness? At Eostre of all times..

JavaScript battle enters final round

Ha

"Inspection of objects" - No, we didn't need this ages ago Microsoft, thanks for making us wait becuase.. presumably, you couldn't be bothered to program it into version 20 of your shite browser.

Douchebaglets.

Goldman Sachs seeks Goldman sucks site suit

Ha!

1) So much for free fucking speech

2) If their clients are that easily confused, then perhaps that's why they are up shit creek

3) WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CONSTITUTION?!

Here in the UK we're not even allowed to think bad things about companies or the government or our wired collars will explode

Microsoft ready for an open-source skoolin'

Does..

Does "Die" constitute helpful feedback?

Because.. if MS died then people might start building games deliberately to work on Linux, then I could just use that and never have to worry about the registry or ridiculous OS security holes or having to pay for something that is (advertised as) working software only to find it was a beta and the REAL one is coming out 2 years later..

Who snapped first?

@Jemma

Kudos for Sharpe references

Facebook in Pirate Bay block Fail

This'll be..

.. a 2 second code update to block the other subdomains

if(preg_match(*\.thepiratebay\.org, $strURL) > 0) // Block

Who risks downloading shoddy, malware ridden, typo'd versions of songs from torrent sites anyway?

Naming the Palm Prē: Strategy Boutique OD's on joss-sticks

Real lifecycle

Step 1 - Secure contract, this may require some "on-the-fly" bullshittery

Step 2 - Think of 5 names, choose the most edgy as final.

Step 3 - (This is the most labour intensive step) Write aquick blog entry/press release about how painstaking it was to come up with your bullshit, making your service sound unique and not at all like we're being paid simply to write a few letters.

Step 4 - Profit

I'll bet the outsourced the "global suitability" as well.

You can make up words for product names, you can have localised names, YOU DON'T NEED TO PORK BARREL USELESS COMPANIES.

Sims creator Will Wright leaves EA

To EA Haters

You didn't read it properly, EA have the first rights to make games coming from the think tank.

More expansions for Sim City 4 would be excellent. But no, better to make copies and reinvent the wheel.

*shakes fist at EA*

The Quick - and the Dead in the Water

Misdirection

Major problems with the government? Sleaze, expense corruption, police killing protesters in the capital?

Scapegoat an assistant with a security breach and get them to resign for something Terrorism related, guaranteed front pages. Get to arrest some more people too.

Or maybe it really was a terrorist mastermind at work, it's hard to cut through the waves of my own cynicsm these days..

Sadville besieged by bitey 'spampires'

Yeah..

You click "Yes", you should know what you;re clicking yes to. Details passed on? Boo hoo. Same shit happens on facebook. Why expect it to be different anywhere else?

Wanna upgrade from Windows 7 beta? Go back to Vista first

What shall we give as a reason?

“getting breadth coverage to validate the product in real-world scenarios"

Yeah, that sounds ridiculous and perplexing enough that people won't question it, go with that.

I LOVE the smell of horseshit in the morning!

Amazon UK kicks off low-end price scuffle with iTunes

I

I didn't even know Amazon did MP3 downloads, they'll be getting some of my money if it's DRM free and doesn't require invasive software.

Balls saves history lessons from Facebook and Twitter

Er

"People write their daily bullshit in under 180 characters hoping another person cares enough to read it"

There, I taught you twitter in a tweet near enough.

Now I'm going to go wash my hands/mouth.

How about we teach the kids how to stand up for their democracy and privacy? Always assuming that the TERRORISTS haven't blown all the schools and ISPs up first

(Emphasis is the governments in accordance with the latest amendments to the Terrorists Act to make sure we all understand the magnitude of the threat)

US Defense Dept shuffles self

All seems to make sense

Bar the F-35 > F-22.

No more useless ABL fleets to darken our skies (I'm sure Bush wanted them to be modern versions of seeing hte B-52 fleet taking off, aka, ohshitit'snuclearwartimebetterlistentowhatpoliticiansaresaying

Isilon cuts staff, recruits NetApper

Strange

A lot of the time, I only hear about companies when they are going tits up. Making a lot of the Reg headlines mostly meaningless to me.

Ready or not, IPv6 is coming

We

We have to disable it on our servers otherwise it messes with PHP's picking up of IP addresses (returns "::1"), or it's IIS that doesn't like it. Either way, causes issues. I hear Exchange doesn't like it either.

Apolgies if this was on page 2 or 3, got lunch to eat and boring technical comments to impart :)

Man gets life for killing game-obsessed partner

Hmm

Playing games *in the bedroom*, all night? Sleep depravation is linked to mental disorders in recent studies. He could have just moved the screen to the living room though.

Ofcom gets puffed out over wind turbines

@ General A. Annoying

You missed out

"Dependence on foreign, non-renenable fuel"

Unless you know of any UK Uranium deposits?

Wind, does get importd from other places, but at a significantly lower cost.

HVDC grid network for round-the-clock renewable energy.

We had a microwave link at uni, they then decided to replace with IR connections. On the coast. Where it gets foggy.

Oh look, the network is down.

MW-Tx ---> Windfarm Rx -> Underground cable under wind farm -> Windfarm Tx --->MW-Rx

I'm not too sure about the overlapping microwave caused by original/rebroadcast signals. Would it be hard to limit it only to the Fresnel area?

Bucks village repels Street View spycar

Er

Maybe it was a typo

"This is an effluent area", they were stopping the spymobile from getting all smelly and gooey.

Or maybe they were just proving themselves to be knee-jerk reactionist ignorati.

YOU DECIDE!

Lloyd-Webber calls for clampdown on ISPs

How to stop net piracy 101

It's hard to beat free, right?

Make it convenient, cheap and DRM free.

Oh look, people who previously chose to download things becuase they couldn't find them for sale online/had to wait for a DVD with tat attached to be produced/didn't want to buy an online vid that expires after a certain amount of time/didn't want to buy a physical media implementation becuase shit gets broken suddenly start buying stuff.

I've not bought a load of EA games becuase I don't like shitty DRM, buy games from Steam all the time.

Let HMV.co.uk or whatever sell DVDs/Games/Whatever direct to people and you'll make money. Instant gratification encourages impulse purchasing.

BBC fined £150k over Manuelgate

ansafone

"ansafone". How dare you, sir.

Also, where does this fine money *go*, my license money going to:

a) the government to fund shit I don't get a say in

b) to Ofcom to fund.. some toothless reports (read: line some official's pockets)

c) ALIENS!

Florida cops taser satnav lake plunge woman

This

Has to be an April Fool's. Nobody could be that stupid, fat and ignorant.

Couldn't find any other reports.. April paranoia perhaps?!