Posts by Andy ORourke

Millions opted into UK mobile phone directory

From the FAQ's

Can I be ex-directory with 118 800?

You can become ex-directory by texting the letter ‘E’ to 118800 from the mobile phone you want to be made ex-directory or you can call us on 0800 138 6263. Standard network charges apply. The first time 118 800 contacts you you will be sent an SMS reminding you about how to become ex-directory. Please allow up to 4 weeks for your ex-directory request to take effect.

I really dont like giving any numbers out to anyone and ALWAYS read the wording of those tick boxes at the bottom of the form, usually something like this:

I accept the terms and conditions - Tick Box

I would like you to would like you to bombard me with endless shite offers : yes / no (yes is default)

I would like you to sell my details to other companies peddling any old shite, if you agree to this tick the relevant box -

Yes - I dont want you to pass my details on

No - I do want you to sell my details for profit

Scum sucking marketing scumbag mothers!

Apple security is 'struggling,' researcher says

@ Don't Worry

You owe me 1 monitor & keyboard, quick, you better get a patent on that idea before apple do.

Come on, we all know that any *nix based computer is totally impervious to attack, it's only windows machines that have no security.

Apple adds 'S' to iPhone 3G

Jonathan Cohen

I'm no Apple fanboi but have you really used both previous versions of the iPhone? I mean more than a casual glance in the O2 shop on a rainy saturday morning?

"if a phone is only for show and you never need to send txts to more than one person"

I regularly send emails to all 3 of my kids (and the wife's 2 kids) at the same time, quite simple really, look up a contact to add and then click the little + icon and look up another contact, click the little + icon and look up another contact................

"take decent pictures"

I have this quite clever device for that, its called a "Camera", its called the iPhone, not the iCamera and as such doesnt really need a top of the range camera built in. By the way, I have taken several "snaps" on the iPhone when I didnt have my camera to hand and they are perfectly acceptable quality for what I want (namley showing the subject of the photo I just took the photo of the photo I just took of them on the tiny little screen)

"listen to music"

I repeat, have you actually used the iPhone. OK the built in "speaker" is a joke and they really shouldnt have bothered but put in a decent pair of headphones and I have all my music at my fingertips

OK, this 3Gs is what the original iPhone should have been but we all know Apple are the masters of selling nice shiny underspecced, overpriced tat (thats why I never had any apple kit before my iPhone)

No, I wont be upgrading, I'll just get the software update. I do have to agree with some of the detractors, there are a LOT of features missing from the iPhone that have been in other phones for a long, long time. There are probably a lot better, cheaper phones out there. I also agree with some of the fanbois, if you have never really used the thing then dont slag it off because of some stuff you read somewhere about how bad it is. The major drawback is the O2 tie in, if it wasnt for the fact my employer is on O2 then I certainly would never have got my iPhone!

Segway inventor builds shoe-controlled bionic arm

@ Rowan Moore

You sir owe me 1 keyboard & monitor

Tory who claimed brother's tech gear on expenses quits

@ Paul H

I was listening to some MP or other on Radio 4 the other day telling the world that the ACA (Additional costs allowance) was sort of in Lieu of the pay rises the MP's should get but couldn't award themselves because of the uproar it would cause amongst the electorate so MP's were more or less told to claim every penny they could. That's what these MP's have (mostly) been doing for YEARS. Pretty much every claim was within the "letter" of the law (doesn't make it right does it?)

If any of you commenting and moaning could claim some expense legally and get it signed off and approved by your manager and accounts department even if it was slightly "dodgy" (like claiming the full £50.00 accommodation allowance every night I was away but staying in a B&B for £15.00 and pocketing the extra because I didn’t require receipts) then YOU WOULD.

Like that Tory Tosser who bought a second home for his ducks and then had to issue the apology (cant remember his name but was a true Tory caricature) "I'll tell you what it's about, it's about Jealousy"

It always amuses me the argument about paying high salaries and bonuses to recruit the very best people. That worked out well for the banking industry and ask how well it worked out for BT (http://www.channelregister.co.uk/2009/05/27/bt_barrault/)

It is quite simple, build a new housing estate of say good quality, well appointed 4 bedroom family type homes within easy commuting reach of Westminster. Allocate a house to each MP whose constituency is outside London and hey presto problem solved.

Welsh mum amazed by Marmite Messiah

Clearly Mad

“I just looked at it and immediately thought, that’s Jesus Christ.

“It wasn’t a new jar, but I’d never noticed that before.”

Well when I looked it looked more like the lid off a marmite jar with some marmite on it

Dutch cat skinner publishes critics' personal details

@ Vladimir Plouzhnikov

"You obviously never had a cat living in your house. Cats have individuality and personality and when you have one as a pet you will eventually and inevitably attach and relate to it as a person."

I relate my wife's cat to a mass murderer, in that all small furry things that go "squeak" or feathery things that go "cheep" MUST DIE

Cats are the most spiteful creatures it is possible to invite into your home. I swear to God that the wife's cat is able to vomit at will if I "look at it funny", It can teleport into the conservatory, I know for a fact that when I locked up last night it wasnt in there yet when I come down this morning there it is, sat next to a steaming turd with that look on it's face (you know the one, I know I shit where you didnt want me to but it was your fault so you cant shout at me!)

Did she really strangle her own cat or was it a stunt to publicise her works, I dont know. Were any of Damien hurst's animals humanley killed or did tthey suffer, I dont know. I do know it isn't my kind of "art" though (i ilke my paintings of things to look like the things they are paintings of)

My wife has another cat which cost us over £1800 to fix after it had its tail lopped off in an unfortunate accident (I'll just sit on the pavement next to the road and stick my tail into the road see what happens) When he is walking away from you you could see a new design for a novelty pen holder :-)

'Supermodel' glow-in-the-dark pocket monkeys created

@ Martin

Darwin Rules might work the other way round.....

"small monkeys which glow green when exposed to ultraviolet light." might end up creating scary predators which emit ultraviolet light in order to catch the small creatures!

BT Global Services' own Clouseau bags massive bonus

nice work if you can get it?

Barrault told of his earlier gung-ho deal-making. "When you are new in this business you have a tendency to say yes to everything and you don't know what you're exposing your company to,"

If that's your attitude you shouldnt be doing the fookin job!

BNP DDoS 'mega-assault' not actually mega in the least

Fixed it for you:

Clear Channel has a policy of carrying advertising "from all the legal political parties, without bias or favour, and regardless of the company’s own views, as long as the advertising is legal and clearly branded for the relevant party".

Should read

Clear Channel has a policy of carrying advertising "from all the legal political parties, without bias or favour, and regardless of the company’s own views, as long as the advertising is PAID FOR".

Coppers prowl Sheffield's Letsby Avenue

@ Dense Dumb Yank

Leysby Avenue as a street name isn' t very funny to you unless you realise that if you were say skulking around in dark shadows the local "Bobby" (Police Officer) might be heard to intone "Oi, Lets be having you" as in "Excuse me sir would you mind coming here so I can taser you"

Some of the other jokes in case you dont get them:

"Ah, but the Police Station at number 999?" You dial 911 for the police, we dial 999

"Hopefully the last three digits are 3LO" Another famous catchphrase of the local "bobby", no not 3LO but "Hello, hello, hello, whats going on here then?" (the 3LO refering of course to an abreviated form - LO, LO, LO)

Maybe jokes arent really funny if you have to explain them, made me smile though, almost as much as spending countless frozen nights in the 80's in the German town of Wankum

iPhone apps - the 10 smartest and the 10 stupidest

Some other good stuff

Bolt, fast and "discreet" web browser, maintains no history and turns off almost instantly, not sure why you would want something like that though ;-)

Sky Remote - pretty useful if like me you are late setting off on your journey home and want to record something, just call up your sky planner and click record, hey presto it is waiting for you when you get home

Have to agree with Shazam, I have bought more music because of this app than anything else. Hear something you like, dont know what it is and 20 - 30 seconds later you know all about it and get a link to buy it

OK, I sound like a fanboi but I only bought the iPhone because a mate of mine at work was selling his 2g when he upgraded, our works phones are 02 so I could just slip in the SIM and give it a try. I own no other apple products and would NEVER have bought an iPhone on the restrictive 02 contract but I have to tell you that this is the best consumer electronics product (that can make & receive telephone calls) that I have ever owned

Yes, it has many, many faults if by faults you REALLY need MMS, cut & paste etc (soon to be fixed I think and if you have the right apps then anything is possible I beleive)

Restrictive App Store - So I can be pretty much assured that the program I am downloading doesnt harbour all sorts of nasty virii waiting to steal all my info. Fair enough, you want to be able to download everything you want for free. You can still do that, jailbreak your phone and get on the Warez sites, it can still be done.

DRM infested music - as far as I am aware the DRM is no longer in place? (I am probably wrong but I'm not bothered because I only listen to it on my phone / PC)

Biggest complaint? the inbuit "speaker" please, they might as well have just not bothered, might be OK for conference calls but for listening to music, forget it

Just my 1.63c worth

Police wrong to spy on peace campaigner

Change the way...

"This can continue, but officers will have to change the way they keep such images."

Like the way they have to erase DNA profiles of innocent people?

So nothing is going to happen then

Google brands ebook monopoly critics 'shortsighted'

Anyone really suprised?

Google's (the company's) sole purpose is to make money for it's owners (shareholders) it doesn’t matter if the methods it uses are good, evil or plain illegal, they have enough money to settle these piddling little law bills and the deals they make will allow them to carry on making MORE money by ANY means, good, bad or illegal - They (the board) don’t really care, as long as profits and investor returns outweigh any costs everyone (with shares in Google) is VERY happy

As raving angry loony puts it "Do no evil - My Arse"

The 1st paragraph describes the capitalist system. If you have a business then your sole purpose is to make good returns for your investors, not save the world or make it a better place to live in (although these might be happy by-products of your company). It really doesn’t matter how you make that money year on year just so long as you do. That’s why you see company’s cutting and cutting staff, announcing great profits and awarding the big boys good bonuses for mediocre performance, or just like a few years ago inflating profits year after year with “creative” accounting practices.

The system is shit for the little guys, the employees but that is just life, want to do something about it? Form your own mega company and give all the profits to charity

Sony eyes smile, smirk-controlled music phone

Great Idea

If I look depressed it will automatically scan my music for suitably depressing songs?

Maybe they could do the opposite, if they think I'm too happy the could whack on the Smiths or if I look too sad they could arrange for the next track to be "always look on the bright side of life"..............

Job losses hit C&W profits

Mistake

He said the restructure would lead to "a substantial increase in cash generation"

Should read - He said the restructure would lead to "a substantial increase in cash generation and a much bigger bonus for me next year, in fact once all these so called "workers" have gone I can just keep ALL the profits"

Brit hover barges, airships offered to Canadian oilfields

Confused

"jubtabulous gold-digger giantess Anna Nicole Smith in length and dimensions through the body (in some directions at least). The gigantic gasbag features a massive cargo bay, and could dispense even with rivers while hauling in Alberta's new generation of oil plants."

You talking about Anna Nicole-Smith or the Dirigible now?

Geeks make least selfish lovers: Official

Of course Geeks came top.......

*Here's the full breakdown of responses to the question “During sex, do you consider your partner’s sexual needs above your own?”

IT workers – 82 per cent affirmative

the other 18% didnt care if their right hand got cramp

Yahoo! puts webpages in their place

Love it

"Then we do what we call a geo-disambiguation to resolve those to a specific place."

Classic, what a great phrase, I must use that next time someone quotes a site code at me and expects me to know where they are talking about (I work for a global comms company so we have many sites in many locations around the world with site codes that mean nothing at first glance)

I will tell now be able to tell them "I'll just geo-disambiguate that site code so I now where you are talking about" :-)

Worldwide GPS may die in 2010, say US gov

@ Ash

"If they can navigate featureless peat bogs without GPS, the world can find Telford without it too."

If they can tell the difference between Telford and a Featureless Peat bog, now that would be impressive :-)

NZ couple do bunk with £3.9m bank error

I always wonder.......

How differently my life would have turned out if I transferred the 12.5 Million Deutche Marks that were mistakenly credited to my german bank in the 80's while I was serving in Germany instead of going into the branch and telling them of the error (I did get a nice "Danke Schon" from the manager though!)

Taxpayer coughs for AOL Connie's flat

Love the jokers.....

Check out some of the signatories of http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/please-go/

H Blears

J Prescott

G Fawkes

A Blair

Another 0.03% of Blighty goes wind powered

@ Gee.....

"and while you are at it.. how about calculating against a newer house not one from 2001, ie. without a 80w on standby tv, old skool light bulbs etc. The electric products in homes now are massively more efficient that 8yrs ok! e.g 0.5w on standby tv.. 15w lightbulbs etc."

So in your world EVERY home is a new build with the latest appliances? I would like to appy to live in your world where every citizen is given a new house and appliances (and presumably electric cars) whenever new technology becomes available, where do I get the forms?

Taking a first bite out of Wolfram Alpha

Not really all

"The number of data sets included are, at present, limited to a few hundred, although, as a spokesman for Wolfram pointed out, as one data set includes "all current and historical weather", whilst another includes "the English language", this measure may be deceptive."

All current and historical weather? WA couldnt tell me if it rained in wigan last tuesday or if it is raining in reading now

To be fair, google couldnt answer these specific questions either but it did manage to give me a pointer to a current forecast from the BBC

Home Office: IPS to hang onto snaps of fingerprints

You know what we need?

Some kind of central database holding records of everyone's fingerprints and DNA, that way there would be no crime because it would be easy to catch criminals.

Joke icon, just in case :-)

Daydreaming? You're actually solving complex problems

Personally.......

I've been in an important cognitive state all day so far

iPhone users to walk and read at same time

I wouldn't use it but......

it seems like a great idea, the amount of knobs walking around texting and not watching where they are walking (it does work for texting to doesnt it? I couldnt be arsed to read the whole article!)

Oompa-Loompa and Tinky Winky cuffed for drunken brawl

Was Haeey Hill on the bill?

I like Teletubbies and I like Oompa Loompa's, but wich is best?

There's only one way to find out.............

Web 0.2 archivists save Geocities from deletion

I might be wrong but........

isnt this already archived on the wayback machine (I admit I havent looked, or even to being that bothered)

ASBO woman cuffed over raucous rumpy-pumpy

@ mh

You owe me a new Keyboard and monitor!

Phorm boss blogs from a dark, dark place

May I be the first........

to say Phuck Of Phorm

Apple fined $19m in 'Predictive Snooping' case

In 2007, Opti, a technology holding company

In 2007, Opti, a patent troll

There, fixed that for you!

Music industry sites DDoSed after Pirate Bay verdict

calm down, calm down </scouse>

@ Eejits, here is a correction for you:

"And don't give me the "torrents have legal uses" bullshit. We all know what torrents are used for, and we all know it's illegal."

Should read

"And don't give me the "torrents have legal uses" bullshit. We all know that except for El Reg readers who only ever use it for getting the latest ISO's 99.99999999999% of all torrents are used for, and we all know it's illegal"

As for those who say Pirate bay didnt do anything wrong, look they set themselves up as THE place on the internet to find links to copyright protected stuff. If you agree or not with copyright LAWS they are nevertheless LAWS. You set yourself up as a website whcih allows people to break the LAW and then put an extra couple of fingers up to the law by calling yourself Pirate Bay then i'm sorry, it's only a matter of time before you end up in court on some charge or other.

not saying its right or wrong, just a simple matter of fact.

Boffins build super-accurate atomic clock

@ bernie

You can have one on your wrist, there are some really nice watches which receive regular updates from the current generation of atomic clocks in Greenwich, I am sure that once this new generation of atomic clocks are available the timekeepers there will be upgrading.

http://www.zgwatches.co.uk/mens-casio-protrek-solar-watch-prw13001ver-p-876.html

Football lottery scam targets UK punters

As much as it is wrong

I kind of admire these types of scammers, I mean if I was motivatied to enter a competition and didnt win (as usual) I wouldnt be looking for a scam. Now multiply that by hundreds of thousands and there you have it. Great!

Epson gets into interactive coffee tables

@ Other Uses

"Other potential uses include as a navigation device, an interactive menu or point of sale attraction."

As a navigation devide? A 52" coffee table makes a REALLY useful navigation device! Just imagine attaching that to your car windscreen :-)

Wikimedia becomes latest to ban Phorm

Phuck Of Phorm

that is all

Pirate Bay loses trial: defendants face prison time, hefty fines

From BrokeP

in your other story, one of the founders is quoted as saying:

“Stay calm – nothing will happen to TPB, us personally or file sharing what so ever. This is just a theatre for the media,”

wonder how confident he is feeling now? I also wonder if every search engine in the world is concerned, after all they make it easy to find copyright protected information don't they?

Phorm moves beyond privacy - except when slating rivals

So Kent wants facts

Here is a fact for you Kent:

I won't use an ISP that uses phorm

Wi-Fi Beeb viewing may break law

Doesnt seem to support

too many phones at the moment.

Also if you REQUIRE a TV licence to view it do the BBC propose to put some kind of security on it like, oh I dont know, maybe requiring you to enter your TV licence number (it's all in the database!) before you connect to the streams?

Cisco takes comfort in misery of others

@ hmmmmm

"But what to do with all those extra Sun sales folks and managers?"

You really think that is what's worrying anyone involved or did you forget to put the joke icon on your post.

As you (should) know the extra Sun sales folks and managers will become assets to be used in driving down costs after realising the many synergies which exist between the disparate parts of both companies.

Terry Pratchett cuts ribbon on Treacle Mine Road

Good job they didnt choose.........

The street of negotiable affections.

I am guessing many Reg Readers wouldnt mind living on the Street of Cunning Artificers :-)

Why the iPhone's megapixelage alone won't matter

I have a great device.....

For taking high quality pictures, it's called a "camera" I also have a 2g iPhone with a crap camera for taking crappy pictures of crap things I don't care about too much!

Lloyd-Webber calls for clampdown on ISPs

Modern Tech increases sales

I can honestly say that I have bought far more music from iTunes than I ever would have if it wasn't available.

New model : I hear a song, I like a song i splash out the 99p to buy the song. If I'm watching a TV program and they have some music on I like but don't recognise, I "Shazam" it and then maybe watch the you tube video (if it hasnt been pulled to "protect" the rights holder) and then I splash out the 99p to buy it.

Old model, I hear a song and wonder if the other 9 or 10 on the album are going to be any good, good enough to justify buying an album, figure that nah, probably 1 or two good songs and 8 to 10 filler tracks so I dont buy anything

Boffins invent automatic net-hookup roboffinry machines

May I be the first to welcome

our "self-replicating inhuman semantic-web-propelled autoscience" overlords

BT cuts phone charges for prisoners

Talking of Charges

I am moving house and my contract for BT total broadband option 3 is up this month, I called to cancel it and they offered me the same option 3 broadband and new hub for just £15.49 per month if I signed up to a new 1 year contract!

Playboy TV offers 'Jacq off' special package

@ Chris Monteiro

"his is an odd observation to make in a week when the arrangements of other well-known female MP’s, most notably Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen"

Am I missing something here?

Yes, Should have read:

<sarcasm>"his is an odd observation to make in a week when the arrangements of other well-known female MP’s, most notably Tony McNulty and Harry Cohen"</sarcasm>

IBM tries to patent offshoring

How do I......

Get on this Gravy train?

"In the US, both algorithms and business methods can be patented, provided they fulfill a (very short) list of requirements."

I have a load of ideas that might meet the (very short) list of requirements, such as:

Method and system for cutting costs by freezing pay while at the same time allowing big bonuses to be paid to all senior board members

Method and system for cutting costs by laying off some workers while at the same time making those who are left feel happy they still have a job so they pick up the slack thus allowing big bonuses to be paid to all senior board members

I could go on and on

MPs lambast Forces' new personnel database

Oh come on El Reg

This is not news, the day you can post a headline along the lines of:

MPs PRAISE [Department's] new [Whatever] database

you know it will be a story worth reporting, we already know that any government IT programme is doomed to be a piss poor pile of shite that looks like it has been knocked together by three 4th form GCSE ICT students but cost

£100,000,000,000,0000 to impliment and will cost

£100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to put right followed by

£100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to make it secure

£100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 per year to administer

Women's lust for shopping linked to periods

@ Re: hormones

Sarah, dont you mean when men fail to control themselves there is the viewing of grumble flicks and putting it on the wife's expenses................