Posts by Doug

3D TV by Christmas, hints Sky

Crap in 3D!

Great, so now we get offered the same programs (repeat after repeat after repeat ad infitum) in glorious 3D?

Paris, cos she has enough trouble with 2D.

Ryanair may charge cattle to use the bog

Just dont use them...

Ryanair is the worst out of all the budget airlines ... its just cattle-class. I only ever use them if i absolutely have to and thats after I have checked out to see if any camels are heading in the direction of my desired destination. Ryanair are the last resort. Therefore, if you really want to go cheap, then you have to accept crap quality. You get what you pay for. This extra payment doesnt surprise me, but i am a bit reluctant to use their loos anyway - they dont clean up the sick on the seats so the loos are probably just as pleasant!

Aircrew themselves are usually decent bods but if i hear that fuckin fanfare one more time when the plane lands, i'll go postal. Whats the fanfare for? To celebrate the fact that the plane actually made it in one piece to the destination?? To announce the fact that all passengers have just shared everyone's germs with each other as the same air was recycled throughout the journey and this made O'Dreary more money? I appreciate other airlines do this aswell...

Paris, as she looks upset at hearing of us all not having access to our own private 747 with 5 bathrooms....she cant believe that people can be sooooooo poor!

Government data protection standards are protected data

Crap, I live in Charnwood!

...errr....now of course thanks to the council everyone knows that already! Complete and utter thick b*stards.

I didnt see this mentioned in the "How we are doing" council brochure.

I suspect that most if not all councils around the UK have lost data - or at least could not say for sure whether or not data 'has left the building' illegally.

* = a

Paris, cos I reckon she would make a great IT Security Strategist!

Gordon Brown claims a Brit invented the iPod

What about Stan?

We brits gave the world Stan Laurel! Job done.

Gordon to Blair - "Well, thats another fine mess...." etc. etc.

Blair to Gordon - "Well, thats another fine mess...." etc. etc.

High Court quashes decision to release secret ID card reports

Surely the report is somewhere?

Folks, just look around your nearest pub, seats in the park or back of taxi cab and the report is bound to be there!

Ofcom reins in TV psychics and adult chat

Psychic hotlines pulled?

I knew that was going to happen.

Apprentice contestant to offer Zeppelin trips above London

Bombing raids

@Ian Ferguson - they definitely were used for bombing raids. Not a massive payload but enough to scare the living daylights out of the poor buggers on the ground. Real blow to morale too.

Presumably you would get a good view of the Dome? Easy target to hit...<evil_laugh> and there's 10 downing street....and no.11....wait...there's all of Whitehall....</evil_laugh>

Paris, cos the Zeppelin has a higher IQ.

Wanted: Gordon Brown's fingerprints, £1,000 reward

Fingerprint samples?

I have some brown envelopes with lots of MPs fingerprints on them. Any good?

Also, I can't wait til they ask for a DNA sample to prove who you are. I'm up for that anytime :)

There you are at the bank at lunch break, you get to the cashier and then you have to make a withdrawal for your withdrawal. I suppose they could ask for blood....but the bastards already have all of mine....

Home Secretary in ID card gaffe

Only 30% voted for them last time...

We are encouraging the democracy craze to various parts of the world and yet we have the worst example of democracy. Our beloved dictator wasnt voted in and it only takes 30% of total votes to get into power! So no wonder its all a bit of a disaster.

Note that if you do bump into Jacqui at a kebab place in Peckham, dont give her any grief over this. She'll have a couple of bodyguards next to the sauces and the bulges in their trousers wont be cos they are pleased to be with her.

Alien, cos i reckon they are all from another planet.

Spirit discovers life on Mars

Its....

..all's thats left of someone blindly following a Satnav gizmo...

Beeb censors Fairytale of New York

BBC Censorship

Never mind about words in songs - how about they completely censor some of their shows? If I see another f*ing cookery show or another Crap in the Attic show I'll go postal.

MoD: Frontline troops must have silent Xmas crackers

@Ian Ferguson - Going 'Bang'

You could use a paper bag to save the MoD money? Rather than firing the gun? For extra comic effect you could do this whilst a colleague is clearing a mine-field.

Huge sea scorpion overshadowed humans

New Database Guardian?

Perhaps we could get that bloke from Jurassic Park to clone the beast so it can be used to guard government databases.

Perhaps a SQL Trigger?

If command$ = SQL.EXPORT then {

release(The_big_beastie_with_the_big_claws);

Do while screaming = TRUE { give_command("kill!Kill!Kill!") } ;

}

I know, I know....its just MY version of pseudo code... :)

Lost HMRC discs pop up on eBay

Version 2 coming soon!

Note that this was just version 1.0 release. Once the Centralised Health Database and ID Card system is online, there will be further releases of this data.

NZ bans Brit immigrant's overweight missus

I read this article while eating a Twix.

I thought NZ needed to get people into the country as millions have left and are now serving drinks in Covent Garden?!

1and1's dedicated servers go titsup

@nick

I have a couple of 1&1 servers and have been very impressed by their uptime, reliability and performance. Fortunately I have a linux guru (bless his cotton socks that probably have a penguin logo on them somewhere) who manages them otherwise i think for a server-newbie (like me) it would indeed be tricky looking after dedicated root servers!