Posts by Chris G

All hail Ikabai-Sital! Destroyer of worlds and mender of toilets

The problem with experts

Is having a piece of paper that is allegedly a qualification does not necessarily make one an expert.

I have a number of fancy pieces of paper qualifying me to do all sorts of things as an 'expert' but quite a few of them are now so old and the subject of them so long untouched by me, that I could only honestly claim to be an IKABAI SITAL at best.

In my experience an 'expert' is generally someone who, before an event, can tell you exactly what is going to happen, when it is going to happen and why.

After the event s/he will be able to say exactly what didn't happen, possibly what did and that fixing it will require a sharp intake of breath and a pile of money!

I definitely want the T shirt!

It's happened, folks: An actual exhibition about cats and the internet

Pussies and Porn

"It's been a persistent joke for a while: that the internet is nothing but cat videos and porn."

Kind of go together really!

BAD things happen to GOOD robots in America: hitchBot DECAPITATED

Revenge Attack

The robot was obviously assumed to be a terrorist and beheaded by members of Homeland Security.

Expect to see video posted of the beheading with perps disguised in traditional American clothing (pointy hats and sheets).

Download Fest goers were human guinea pigs in spy tech experiment, admit police

Looking forward to the day

When GCHQ know everything about me ( if they don't already)and the cops have tracked me everywhere with facial recognition; I will have nothing left to hide so I will have nothing to fear.

That's right, isn't it?

Today's smart home devices are too dumb to succeed

Simples

Don't buy any of this connected crap

AI finally understands primitive sketches – aka marketing presentations

Screw the Pooch

Give it a week's diet of those nasty Ikea assembly diagrams. If that doesn't start it on a ROTM course nothing will.

SPECTRE-tacular: New trailer out for Bond 24. But where's the pussy?

Exactly! All those un-PC things that made the Bond genre successful and on the PC side, Bond films have always had plenty of empowered women in them.

More Apple Car mutterings: Cupertino slurps more autobiz brains

Impact

Will the energy of the first Applecar crash be measured in Newtons?

I think

An Appoo car would give me the pip! Only able to recharge via an Appoo approved overpriced charging port.

Russian billionaire: GET me the ALIENS ON THE PHONE. Do it NOW

Corporate Aliens

" Sir! We have just received a message from a planet that says it is an intelligent species living on an oxygen and water rich, iron cored planet that has abundant resources to provide all that life needs."

" Thanks for the update SSmmrggglzzplm."

Picks up phone to secretary; " Get me Pest Control and Resources Development, we have a new project!"

The Ruskies are coming for you, NSA director tells City bankers

"you must prepare for and assume that you have been penetrated."

" And we may not be the worst you will encounter"

FIFY Admirdribble!

Americans find fantastic new use for drones – interfering with firefighting

Re: Bah!

I think a stinger is overkill for a crappy little drone.

A 3" magnum 12 bore loaded with SG for deer might be fun though

Reg reader casts call centre spell with a SECRET WORD

Telefonica is great

The customer service types I have just finished dealing with at some purportedly Spanish call centre for Movistar(Telefonica) are jolly people, they laugh when you tell them they have done nothing in spite of your having been calling them to come out and replace or repair your totally non functional modem repeatedly and hang up. Then, during the middle of the next day I receive a call we have checked everything on the line and your service is now working perfectly.

My reply 'I'm sure it is, it's the modem that's not funtioning and I need a technico to come and look at it.'

'Okay ' they say and hang up before I can say when someone will be home for the modem guy. Not ten minutes later a Customer service wonk calls me to ask how I rate the service of the exchange technicos who have just repaired my line, 'Very good, good, okay etc'

He hung up after I tested my knowledge of bad Spanish words.

Finally after nearly three weeks of no modem a Chap from Ecuador turns up with a new modem, when I asked him if he has brought it all the way from Ecuador he stared at me as if I was crazy, actually I was quite close to frothing at the mouth, anyway he fixed the old one with a quick blow fuse on the PCB, (something I didn't know about in a Telfonica modem) and with a blessing in the form of a €10 note he left with a smile and no new modem, thats in the cupboard for next time.

I have tried to find a system of getting a complaint past the Bastard that laughs and hangs up, so far short of finding out where he is and mowing him down with my LandRover there is no redress for lack of service.

Evil computers sense you’re in a hurry and mess with your head

Re: Paul Jennings

According to Widdlydiddlia Resistentialism, it was the Spectator 1948, there is also a link to Vincent Benet http://allpoetry.com/Nightmare-Number-Three a prophetic poem if ever there was one.

The Rise of the Machines is well under way.

Resistentialism

The belief that inanimate objects are acting against you: I for one have always doffed my hat to our mechanical/electronic overlords!

Just before taking out a very large spanner and a dead blow mallet,neither are guaranteed to fix anything much but the joy in applying them is matchless.

In terms of peripherals I will put Epson at or near the top of the resistential heap, when they are working they do a good job but more temperamental than a Broadway leading lady.

Female blood-suckers zero in on human prey by smelling our breath

Re: Hollywood to the rescue.

In addition to swamp mud, camo face paint helps quite a bit. OK if you're a squaddie on exercise in the woods but so far not socially acceptable, perhaps there's an opening for one of the cosmetics companies to start a summer face and body painting campaign.

As for malaria reaching Middsex? is it still there?

I am sure I have read that malaria was endemic in the marshes in the South of England in Roman times.

Re: So what's new here?

Agreed, very old news. We knew this in the army in the 70s.

One of the reasons troopers smoke so much, when sitting in a mozzie infested forest, the carbon monoxide confuses the CO2 signature and the little buggers dont like the smoke.

A tube of Autan bug repellent a night would help if only because we plastered it on so thickly they couldnt get through it.

High Court smacks down 'emergency' UK spy bill as UNLAWFUL

Re: No big deal

@ AC; Do you iron your underwear? Do you make notes of the neighbours transgressions from behind the curtains?

I am sure if you were in charge you would make a much better job of it and stand for no nonsense.

Goebells a relative by any chance? You sound just like the character he shows in his diaries.

Ideal solar system for SECOND EARTH found – and it's just 186 light-years away

Re: Oh, dear...

I typed my earlier comment on my phone, irritating to say the least.

My point is not that others should not visit us or that we don't play well with others, it is simply that any species that is at the top of it's food chain and intelligent will not necessarily be fully enlightened and peaceful and will be competeive by nature.

At minimum they will have the potential for violence,nothing can be dominant over other species through neutrality or submission, not even grass.

Trees that dominate forests and jungles use chemical warfare via their roots to ensure other tree species and/or weeds don't overcome them.

Humans may be aggressive and highly dangerous but they also have a genetic propensity for cooperation and even nurturing family and tribal members that may be weak in some way so we are not all bad just don't piss us off, something that based on what we know about ourselves and evolution here on Earth that we should at least consider in dealing with anyone from another planet.

Re: Oh, dear...

I think you'll find that any culture that dominates it's planet/ food chain is going to be agressive. If it is space faring of heading that way, then it is a fair bet that carnivorous or other aggression is or has been driving it. If there are other world dominating species out there it will be well to assume they have or have had simbilar destructive histories to us.

Intelligent does not mean cuddly wuddly and friendly, it just means ( in our case) clever more aggressive monkies.

Horrifying MOCK BACON ABOMINATION grown in BUBBLING VATS as ALGAE

Hmm, snake

I remember walking around Safeways in Grass Valley N Cal looking for interesting Ameri an food, next to thr tins of corned beef was rattle snake in a tin about the size of a can of tuna in the UK.

I bouvht some and it did taste chickeny..Definitely tasted better than the wild turkey I shot in my girlfriends back garden which was mostly stringy and probably rejected by th Founding Fathers a couple of centuries before.

Re: Great news

Yeah, in the West Country and Wales they eat Lava Bread (pronounced layva) it makes boiled to death week old liquified splnach tasty by comparison.

Personally I like my Bacon to have actually been part of a real pig!

Beaten to the punch for Soylent pink, not a bad idea to feed the vats with surplus protein from the population but will Vegans eat it then?

Pluto Pic: Is it a DOG? Is it a HEART? Or is it ... is it ... BIGFOOT?

Be Serious

I am tired of these childish attempts to fit mythical creatures or cartoon characters onto a geological feature of a celestial body, it is juvenile and trivialises astronomy.

This feature is clearly the Lord's bum print left there on the seventh day while he rested and viewed his wonderful creation.

I will pray for our soles!

Planet killer: Ex-army officer's Welsh space-rock mission

Gov.Space.UK

In 2000, the UK government commissioned a comprehensive report on NEOs and decided to give the National Space Centre in Leicester £300,000 to build an exhibition and website, designating it as the National Near Earth Objects Information Centre.

Don't you just love the the UK gov, £300K to increase awareness of a potential problem (Doomsday) with an exhibition centre and website but actually fund some active science? Not a bloody chance!

That was Bliar and our dim little mate Dave is no better on the science front.

Oh! unless it's observing the population, a couple of whom I suppose could leave a fair sized crater after falling out of a holiday jet.

Florida cops cuff open-carry, balls-out pirate packing 'operational' flintlocks

Re: "A Florida dumb-ass was arrested recently"

Colt Navy was a nice shooting pistol, good looking and well balanced, the only thing arguably better from that era IMO was the Remington Navy though realistcally only for it's even better looks.

I have fired an old cap and ball duelling pistol that would have looked the part for a pirate, it must have been the magnum of it's day with a huge .62" ball and a powder load that gave impressive recoil and enough smoke to hide a stagecoach complete with the four horses..

Will rising CO2 damage the world's oceans? Not so much

"Stiff upper lip old chap! Best foot forward and all that Eh?"

Well, maybe 60 or 70 years ago, otherwise as mentioned "Get yer bloody finger aht!"

An alternative could be one of my old Sargeant Majors one of the most articulate men I have ever met

" YOU! THAT MAN, YOU FUCKIN' DONKEY, GET YER FUCKIN' HANDS OUT OF YER FUCKIN' POCKETS OR I'LL WORK YER RIFLE UP YER LEFT FUCKIN' NOSTRIL."

Re: Not news?

The acidity (carbonic acid. fizzy water) prevents shells fo calcium carbonate forming properly or at all leaving the erstwhile occupants more vulnerable.

A lot of the crunchy phytoplankton are diatoms which have a different shell which is glassy and formed of silicon dioxide, diatoms are actully part of the regulating system for a different type of oceanic acidity from silicic acid, the diatoms use this to form their shells.

Carbon related oceanic acidity is a bad thing, well researched and causing big problems for the worlds barrier reefs as one of a number of human related effects including bleaching from ocean temperature rise and pollution.

Rampaging fox terrorises rural sports club, victim sustains ‘tweaked groin’

Re: Rabies?

A late reply but a grumpy old badger is not something to be taken lightly, they can do a lot more than nip, a friends Jack Russel stupidly decided to follow a badger down into it's sett. Jack Russels are pretty fierce and something to be reckoned with in thier own right, this one when we finally got him out of the sett after having to dig into it a bit, need quite a few stitches and a good lie down for a bit. If he had been a drinking dog I would have given him a stiff brandy. The claws on a badger can dig through limestone and chalk.

There was a large sett in the wood at the top of my fields where I kept my horses in the '90s, we often used to get the local fuzz coming to warn us to keep an eye out for badger baiters ( big gambling money involved and dangerous people), he told me that before the pond scum would allow a dog to fight a badger they would bash it with a shovel to weaken it as a badger could do serious damage to a Staff or a PitBull if it was fully operational.

Re: Rabies?

Thank you for 'getting' that.

Some phone companies will do a deal with anyone that drops in to the shop (or flies into the window).

Re: Rabies?

Even in the UK rabies testing should be automatic regarding bites and out of character behaviour for something like a normally timid fox.

Of course townies have become steadily wetter as they distance themselves from the natural world so being scared of a fox is hardly a surprise. Now a grumpy old badger? that I would give leeway to!

Wiating now for Daily Blah stories of deadly sparrows attacking people for crumbs from a sandwich.

"It looked me right in the eye and tweeted at me!"

Giddy Google Glass gazers, beware! FCC filing obscures view on new gadget

GooGlarse

Perhaps it's going to be a monocle this time with one of those Bluetooth earpieces that bouncers wear.

That should avoid the 'Creepy Effect'.

German army fights underground Nazi war machine hidden in Kiel pensioner's cellar

Don't Mention the War

'Particularly not the one I am about to start as soon as I can figure out how to get this bloody thing out of my basement'

' If you are a good girl, you can sit in my tank and play with my turret!'

Boffin: Will I soon be able to CLONE a WOOLLY MAMMOTH? YES. Should I? Hell NO

Re: But *can* we create a wooly mammoth?

Using Mammoth DNA with an Elephant surrogate might be an interesting test of whether or not there may be any inheritied behaviour from a long dead species, otherwise being a Mammoth teacher could make an interesting job for someone;

'Right! This is how not to run off a cliff when a bloke with a stick and a fur coat and a bunch of his mates are chasing you......

Also a useful way of turning Tundra into protein.

Original Lizard Jesus is found in Wyoming

Disappointed

There was no video of a current model running on water.

So here's a link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JF-UMgdkph4

I can't imagine a 2ft version doing this though, must have a hell of a turn of speed and size thirteens to go with it.

UK.gov spied on human rights warriors at Amnesty International

GCHQ and friends

Are obliged to investigate and spy on :

Terrorists and subversives.

Anyone who could be a terrorist or subversive.

Anyone who knows a terrorist or subversive.

Anyone who could know a terrorist or subversive.

Anyone who knows what terrorists and subversives do.

Anyone who has heard of Terrorists, terrorism and subversion.

Anyone who has had a news delivery system mentioning terrorism, terrorists or subversion.

Anyone who is currently alive or has been recently.

Thank God for GCHQ I say!

OPM data breach: Looking at you, China! National Intelligence head stares out Beijing

Re: He's 'avin a giraffe

Beat me to it. I was going to say Putin, the Norks and israel are off the hook on this one then? Not to mention Cuba, Syria, Iran, Uncle Tom Cobbly an' all.

My money's on a thirteen year old kid somewhere on the planet with a guilty look and a smirk simultaneously on his/her face.

Britain beats back Argies over Falklands online land grab

Called their bluff

Some years ago I got a contract to work for a start up building a 40ft yacht based on a successfully competing hull. The two partners were Argentinian, the Company Secretary was Argentinian as were the four other workers; one lunch time they pointed out to me I was the only brit amongst seven Argentinians and that they wanted the Malvinas back.

I pointed out that if the had won the FALKLANDS war they could call them the Malvinas but since they lost the name should remain as the Falklands at minimum because that's what the people who actually lived there would like.

They began to argue their case so I just said 'Tell you what, lets fight for 'em now'. They shut up!

To be fair to Argentinians , I work with an Argentinian Yacht Skipper, he is well educated, a decent bloke and more than a little embarrassed at any mention of new claims to the Falklands.

BOFH: Don't go changing on Friday evenings, I don't wanna work that hard

Simple

Simple changes and simple jobs for the most part only exist in the minds of simple managers.

People who fail to really manage because they have no concept of what may be involved in carrying out a 'simple' request, to them it is simple because all they need is sufficient language skill to articulate the request before they go back into stasis.

Man in India claims his new iPhone 6 combusted in his car

Lottery

Can't say I am crazy about some aspects of Appoo but so far they have sold about 20 million iPhone 6s so 2 spontaneously combusting out of 20 million is not far off the odds of winning the lottery.

Hardly a trend is it?

Go fac' yourselves: US privacy bods walk out of visage recog talks

Re: Sad but working solutions...

Perhaps those companies could produce the balaclavas to mimic the faces of say; top supporters of

facial recognition.

Innocent Spaniards roasted by experimental napalm mead

Ring for help

Need help for ring.

I don't want to contemplate a heavy night on that stuff, pain at both ends the next morning.

Vauxhall VXR8: You know when you've been tangoed

Re: Viva GT

The Viva GT was an HB which as a GT came as a Mk1 and oddly later a MkII . The Vivas as you so rightly point out did not come as Mks but as HA, HB and HC, The HB performed best out of the the three, the inclined 2 litre engine was IIRC developed by Cosworth at the design stage although they didn't have anything to do with the Viva itself and it didn't have as much power as Cosworth could have put into it. The Firenza didn't handle that well although it was quite rapid. The HAs were very basic and I think never better than 56BHP, not a startling performer but very reliable and cheap to run , I had two of them as business vehicles, good full up ( and probably overloaded) for nearly a ton up a motorway.

I drove astage three Blydenstein Magnum belonging to a mate, it was bloody fast but much harder work getting it round a corner compared to the Viva. I think the last incarnation of the go faster HC was a Brabham which had a disappointing 1600cc 4 pot in it.

The Avenger Tiger was a fun car although ugly as sin but it was another one that didn't like corners, well, not with me driving it anyway.

The unfortunate thing with the old Rootes cars was the body work that would rot while you watched it, a shame because they made some nice cars! Come to think of it Vauxhalls at that time were not much better.

Viva GT

My old man had a Viva GT Mk1 he paid about £2K for in the late '60s, I'm willing to bet it was at least as much fun to drive as this beast is.

The old GT came with a tad over 100BHP standard but my dad had Bill Blydenstein do some work on it and we were getting 128BHP on the dyno, it was good for 135MPH on the Hog's Back on a Sunday and could see off an XJ6 without any trouble, I am fairly certain the acceleration wasn't much slower than this VXR8, I think it was low 5s but not sure, off the line at Brands Hatch on a club day was always respectable and the handling for what was basically a tarted up family car was not too shabby unfortunately a brake disc quit on the Embankment and the Old Man buried the car under a truckload of spuds, the car was a write off.

Of all the cars my Dad had over the years the Viva GT was the most fun,possibly because it was a bit of a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Boffins, feeling around in dark for Philae, lit up by bright spot on Comet 67/P

Moon

Having just run the pic through my CSI Digital Image Enhancement Device (DIED) I can see that the bright spot is a Clanger mooning at the Rosetta camera.

It's definitely been recycled.

How much info did hackers steal on US spies? Try all of it

Re: That's what they want you to think?

Having just reacted and downvoted Unicornpiss, on second thoughts he/she may have been being ironic in which case an upvote would be in order. Alternatively it could be a case of 'Don't feed the trolls' so no vote. Decisions , decisions!

As for the really spooky peeps in the US, would they necessarily have any details on this database still?

INTERNET of BOOBS: Scorching French lass reveals networked bikini

Just being helpful

I was thinking of providing an app so that when the bikini calls for the aplication of sun block, it will forward the call to me, whereupon I will apply the cream.

I reserve the right to decline customers who are: male, not good looking, hairy armpits,have a large irate boyfriend/husband etc.

Cops turn Download Festival into an ORWELLIAN SPY PARADISE

Why?

Exactly have the organisers gone into partnership with the local fuzz to spy on their customers and what right (if any ) do the plods have to surveil customers who have paid to enter a private event.? This is no different to the fuzz using facial recognition in a restaurant or the Albert Hall.

Just sounds completely wrong to me.

It's a free country

Well not for long!

As for RFID tags, it should be mandatory for them to be removed as opposed to deactivated at the point of sale.

A good case in point being thr French Sports shop Decathlon, at the checkout they always have a pair of scissors to cut out RFIDs on previously bought items that customers are wearing, because they reactivate on entering the shop.

Windows 8-Facebook sync blown away in API bombing raid

Win8

So Windows8 is not so bad after all.

If the new 10 has an app to nuke any Farcebooker that wants to be my friend, I'll download it.

Chips can kill: Official

Killer chips

Don't come any closer! I've got chips and I know how to use them!

Everything is potentially dangerous: a friend of mine once spent six weeks on crutches due to excessive vitamins.

A pallet full slipped and crushed his foot.