Posts by Red Bren

Ofcom: UK broadband speed on the up as punters' packages swell

Squaring a circle

I can't get these two quotes to corroborate:

"The country's average actual residential broadband speed stood at 7.6Mbit/s"

"58 per cent of UK residential broadband connections had an advertised speed of above 10Mbit/s"

Now I know there's more than one way to calculate an average, but if more than half the country's broadband users are paying for 10Mbit/s or greater, shouldn't the average speed also be greater? A quick check on a comparison site found most products are 20Mbit/s or faster and no products are less than 8Mbit/s, so it's not the 42% on sub-10Mbit/s packages that are bringing down the actual average speed. A more plausible explanation is the majority of customers are being sold short, but instead of apologising for their abject failure to regulate the market, OFCOM appear to be patting themselves on the back!

Star Trek tractor beam to save Earth from asteroid Armageddon

Can't we just change the gravitational constant of the universe?

I thank Q

O2 leaks 3G users' mobile numbers to every website visited

Won't someone think of the children?

I started getting these "FreeMsg" spam texts last summer, after I moved from an iphone to a SGS2. I blamed Google, but it turns out they're not the guilty party.

Now if O2 are just handing out mobile numbers to every dodgy "enhancement" merchant or smut site, can they be done for exposing minors to inappropriate/obscene/illegal content? How are parents (rather than the government) supposed to protect their children if companies can just give this data away without consent?

Man vanquishes robot cop in hand-to-hand combat

Expected to return to duty?

Surely the appropriate corollary in these circumstances is that the assaulted automaton was only three days away from retirement?

NASA close to approving first sci-fi flick shot in space

They could probably fund a manned mission to Mars

Using the profits from a grumble flick in space.

American search team fails to find women's G-spot

So many volunteers

But none if them are women! I hope you boys are open to new experiences...

Where is that thumb going?!!

NASA shuts off Voyager 1's central heating

Future X prize

Build a ship capable of collecting a Voyager probe and returning it to Earth, before some Klingons destroy it. Or before the Intergalactic Nuclear Inspectorate come knocking on our door to find out why we're fly tipping radioactive waste in a self-addressed can...

Doomsday Clock ticks one minute closer to annihilation

Hang on a minute

I thought humans only appeared on the planet at 30 seconds to midinght? http://www2.nau.edu/~lrm22/lessons/timeline/24_hours.html Damn those jurassic nukes! Does this mean we don't exist yet?

Former coder, NASA 'naut to lead DARPA starship dream

The most important lesson is never, ever go on a holodeck. It's the first system to fail in a crisis and it never fails safe - all the CG characters will turn on the hapless human prisoners and every non-lethal object becomes a weapon of instant death.

Boffins hack evolution, create SUPERSOLDIER ANTS

Why?

Because they might be delicious!

Fire up the BBQ!

Weeting cops cuff 17th phone-hacking suspect

@Norfolk 'n' Goode

There's nothing* worse than an author pulling a comment after other commentards have posted witty replies! Oliver and I SLAVED over these gems and you've heartlessly orphaned them. Where is your Christmas spirit?

* apart from most bad things!

A face that herd?

Are you suggesting there's something bovine about her?

'Mobiles bake men's balls' bog ad is cobblers - new ruling

Technology must be KILLING us

That's why life expectancy in the west is worse now than in the middle ages. Oh hang on...

AC@14:06 - I assume you pushed a hand written note under El Reg's door, rather than risk exposure to the deadly interwebs.

Year of the Penguin - el Reg's 2011 Linux-land roundup

Start me up

Microsoft used the Rolling Stones track, "Start Me Up" in their marketing of Windows 95 to highlight the new Start button. The reliability issues were also highlighted by the lyric, "You make a grown man cry."

Jobs' 'nuclear war' is not doing Apple any good - analyst

1984 but ten times worse

Like 19,840?

New ATLAS particle part of 'everyday mass'

I think you're getting confused

Pi-plings are the short ones with the cute faces and big eyes.

I'm being brainwashed by kids' tv...

Ofcom maps out what 'psychics' are allowed to do on TV

@Steve Evans

"Or was it just for the oil or for some kind of reach around from G Dubya?"

There, fixed it for you!

Ofcom's Local TV dream: No smut, an hour of news, endless ads

Been there before

I'm sure I remember local TV stations, it was called the ITV network and each region had its own identity and schedule. Didn't they all end up as one single TV company after the market got deregulated? All that's left are the regional news programmes which, to be frank, are crap. If the stories were news-worthy, they would make the national news. I really don't care if Mrs Goggins' cat has turned up 30 miles down the road or if some minor celeb has opened a refurbished hospital ward.

Software bug fingered as cause of Aussie A330 plunge

Are you reading the same article?

"Locking them out of the control system (as too frequently happens with Airbus) is a design FAIL. And that's exactly what happens when the computer systems go insane."

Where in the article does it say the pilots were "locked out" of the control system? The second paragraph states the autopilot disengaged twice, i.e. the plane was (unexpectedly) placed under manual control. The third paragraph describes how the pilots landed the aircraft using backup instruments and manually controlling systems that they couldn't trust the computers with.

Christmas headaches? We prescribe a year long course of BOFH

Price of a pint?

You're drinking in the wrong place! And its a bit pricey for only 19 chapters of stuff I've already read...

Somerset buses bin paper tickets, sniff journey-logging chips

Faster boarding?

Old people still wave their new passes at the driver. And the driver has to explain to EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM how to place it on the sensor.

I can't decide if this is terminal stupidity or a brilliantly orchestrated act of mass civil disobedience!

Doctor Who girl Amy Pond axed in 'heartbreaking' exit

Any chance of an alien companion?

And maybe some stories that don't revolve around humanity?

If you had the ability to travel any place and time in the universe, would you keep coming back to the same place?

Regulator reckons telly advert caps are just peachy

No need to count

Just compare the scheduling by the BBC and a commercial channel for the same show. For example, an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation filled a 45 minute slot on the BBC and an hour on Satellite/Cable.

I assume the 9 minutes per hour only covers paid-for advertising and excludes self promotion for other TV shows, channels and products.

When you take into account the intros and outros at the start and end of each show, and even each side of the adverts, it's a wonder there's anything to actually watch.

Microsoft gives up on proprietary 2D barcode, accepts NFC

Embrace... Extend... Etcetera...

Next, bundle a free QR reader with WinPhones that uses codes that are slightly out of spec, while deliberately mis-reading the competitions' compliant ones.

Ebooks must stay fat with VAT, blame the EU, MPs told

You signed up just to post that?

P2P veterans sue the Cloud ... for copying their stuff

Going after the big guns

Instead of following the well trodden legal path of suing the little guys and bullying them into licensing deals with non-disclosure agreements, then claiming precedent, they are going after the big guns.

Hopefully this will go all they way and be decided in open court, rather than fudged in a dodgy back-room deal.

The irony here is that the dinosaurs that insisted peer-to-peer technology was only used by thieves and communists have proved that it has legitimate applications. Are they going to deny the creators the fruit of their labours?

God particle may be within our grasp

I don't want to start any blasphemous rumours

I thought God had a sick* sense of humour?

* This is not a good thing kids!

‘Blogger not a journalist’ says Oregon court

Double posting?

Remember - "grammar nazi" nazis are held to an even higher standard than grammar nazis...

Voyager probe reaches edge of Solar System's 'bubble'

Luxury!

"The Voyagers' data links deliver upload rates of 16 bits/second, and download at 160 bits/sec (or 1.4 kbps for high-rate plasma data). "

There are parts of the UK that would kill for speeds like that!

Mozambique menaced by flesh-eating bananas

I for one

anticipate the overthrow of our simian overlords by curvy, yellow, flesh-eating liberators. It will make a great documentary - "Fall of the Planet of the Apes!"

UK.gov to require you to opt out of data-sharing plan with drug firms

Free prescriptions?

Or are we expected to pay for the drugs that will be tested on us?

If NICE won't authorise the general use of a new treatment, can the manufacturer offer to sponsor the patient in return for access to their records?

Lovefilm dumps Flash, BLINDS Linux fans with Silverlight

A novel defence?

Prosecution: "So Mr Freetard, why have you got all these pirated movies?"

Defendant: "Because the movie makers took away the means to obtain them legitimately."

Judge: "Case dismissed!"

PROVEN: Violent video games mess with your head

Red light

"[Traffic queues] are caused by traffic lights showing red to all directions for minutes on end"

Traffic lights showing red in all directions is probably a health and safety precaution to make allowance for the number of motorists that jump the red light at every change.

Wi-Fi may damage sperm, boffins warn

Speak for yourself!

There's too many of you, Nev. Please step this way to the suicide booth...

Councils emailed vulnerable people's data to strangers

Who do we blame?

Whenever a data protection breach occurs, it is almost always blamed on a "junior" employee. But how many "junior" employees do we have to scapegoat before we look at the cause rather than the symptoms?

Junior employees are by definition, at the bottom of the chain of command. They're told to do something and do it quickly because speed==efficiency in the eyes of politicians and if there's one thing the civil service is constantly told, it's that it needs to be more efficient. The junior employees may have concerns about the process but are they going to raise them and be labled a trouble maker when the threat of redundancy looms? Are they going to be listened to when the solution is going to cost money when public expenditure is being squeezed?

So who do we blame? The junior employees who are powerless to effect change? The managers who are implementing the policies of their political masters? The politicians, who promise us a leaner, cheaper public service? Or ourselves, for demanding perfection without being willing to pay for it?

Jarmageddon: Marmite spill sparks biohazard threat

This is no accident

It's an experimental grit substitute...

Pocket Boom portable vibration speaker

In two minds

My first reaction was, "Oh god, no!" Public transport is already swamped with kids ruining their hearing and annoying other passengers with distorted r and b. But then I thought I could use this to turn the whole bus into a loud speaker and treat the kids and the other passengers to some real music.

If you can't join them, beat them!!!

Mine's the one with the Slayer cd...

NASA's nuclear laser tank will hunt down any life on Mars

If it crashes

Will it be an extinction event for martian cats?

Bloke claims ex swiped his sperm to make twins

Religious Beliefs?

Which religion outlaws IVF but permits sex outside of marriage and using condoms?

If this bloke has genuinely had his seed stolen, then I can understand his upset, but using some hokey religion as a legal argument undermines his case.

Spillover from 400lb man squeezed fellow flier into galley

Wrong solution

Why wasn't the fat passenger made to stand?

It's time that airlines and other public transport* providers enforced width restrictions on passengers. If you're too wide to fit in a single seat with the arm rests down, you either pay for two seats** when you book, or face being surcharged or denied boarding if there's no space for your wide load.

But why is height being brought into the discussion? Being tall is not a lifestyle choice. Being fat is. If anyone thinks I'm being unfair and wants to disagree, can they provide links to peer-reviewed medical reports showing obesity is a disease that can't be cured by healthy eating and regular exercise?

* I'm sick of fat people sitting next to me on trains.

** To be fair, you should get the second seat at a discount or get the additional baggage allowance.

‘We know where dark matter is hiding’ claim boffins

Specialisms?

Yeah, because particle physicist are the best people to sort out socio-economic problems. Perhaps we should have rocket scientist doing brain surgery or looking for a cure for cancer? Or alternatively, lets get people to work in the areas they have an interest and aptitude for.

Economists, bankers and politicians caused this "worldwide*" debt crisis so they should sort it out. That's why they get paid such enormous salaries, isn't it?

* Who do we owe the money to? The martians?

Pro-game MP rewrites Modern Warfare censure motion

BBFC Rating?

Your 18+ year old son is waiting for Santa to deliver this game on Christmas morning?

Man nearly faints with relief as cops drop chopper charge

When exactly last month?

October 31st for example? I always wear a hockey mask and take a chainsaw to the pub on October 31st and nobody bats an eyelid...

Inside the BBC's R&D Labs

DVB-T2

Lets you cram even more useless shopping channels into precious bandwidth.

It still annoys me that millions of "HD Ready", Freeview TVs have been forced into early obselescence while inferior DAB is still being pushed despite low take up. It's cheaper to upgrade a radio than a telly.

Hero dev writes the CODE that COULD SAVE THE WORLD

Priorities

"If one of these asteroids and the Earth are at the same point in their orbits at the same time, a collision could occur."

If the Earth and the asteroid are at the same point at the same time, surely a collision has occurred?

Boffins one step closer to Terminator vision

I for one

welcome our cyber-leporine overlords.

Ofcom denies privacy to drunk-dial-and-drive trucker

"The driver was fined £115 and banned from driving for a year, Ofcom says. He has argued that repeats of the programme would put his return to work at risk."

I'd say he's got off lightly and should shut up. Having proved himself reckless and irresponsible while in charge of a 44 tonne lorry, he should never be allowed to work as a professional driver again. But it shouldn't be repeats of a TV programme that ensure this. His HGV licence should be permanently revoked.

story gone

Too many choices

How much use is made of the various categories on the ratings bar? If you really like or dislike an article, you're going to pick one of the extremes, but how many people select the varying degrees of "Meh"?

Under the current system, a Lewis Page opinion piece on climate and a report into some esoteric piece of kit may both appear to have a general consensus of "so-so" when one article has polarised the audience while the other has failed to generate any enthusiasm.

If the rating system was trimmed to 5 choices, you could publish a breakdown of the voting spread. You could also apply it to us comment-tards...

Bagged salad contained decomposed AVIAN CORPSE

Do I know?

Actually no, I didn't. But I don't eat salad.

UK broadband speeds crippled during 'rush hour'

Usual BT bull

"It is not at all surprising that the actual speeds broadband users experience differ and vary throughout the day as demand for the internet decreases and increases," a BT spokesman told The Register.

I recall a recent advert for BT Broadband that specifically highlighted how the BT customer wasn't affected by the peak-time slow down, unlike the hapless estate agent using another ISP. Are they admitting this advert was misleading? And it's funny how actual speeds vary but the price BT charge does not.

"This is especially true during the busiest time, 7pm to 9pm, when global internet speeds are at their slowest simply because of the amount of people using the internet.

Has the whole world suddenly adopted GMT and the British working day? I want to see stats to back up this claim.