Posts by Michael O'Malley

Spanish firemen grapple naked stairs sex Brit

That's what happens when you don't practice safe sex

Joy Division designer tackles England footie strip

Purple is obvious

Before their Euro campaign starts, the English media will write purple prose about them. There will be endless silly references to World Cup 1966, and English successes in European club contests. After all, it's only 44 years since the English team won something important, and the "English" clubs which win European contests often include as many as two English players.

Then when the English team flops as usual, the media will turn purple with anger, and start shooting scapegoats.

Serpent imprisons rattled Yorkshire family

Snakes aren't slippery

See above. Why does everyone confuse them with worms?

If you've never held a snake, it's warm and dry to the touch, not slippery or slimy. Try running your hand along the inside of your arm. That's what it feels like.

No, dear, I don't mean you must take the hand off. Rub it along the inside of the opposite arm

Judges back Holland against Ladbrokes on online gaming

The the?

De Lotto means "the Lotto", as you might suspect. So if you say "the De Lotto" it means "the the Lotto".

Brits were never good at languages, but that one's a bit obvious.

V-22 Osprey downblast scatters spectators like skittles

What an idiot

He's been blasted by the downdraft, people are shouting and screaming round him, he can see medics with stretchers dashing to his right. . .

No, he keeps the camera on the aircraft, in case he might miss something important.

Britons: iPhone eighth most important invention — ever

Who was surveyed?

Who was surveyed? None of the reports state clearly what the survey population was, and how they were selected. Is there a hint in the link to Tesco Mobile - who happen to supply iPhones?

I assume the next will be the Ferrari survey, which discovers that a huge number of respondents think expensive motor cars are among the most important inventions. Or maybe the Durex survey ...

Election losers? Our clapped-out parties

Why do Brits like gerrymandering

It's weird how few British people object to their crazy voting system, which deliberately gerrymanders results. They keep believing the con that only this will produce "strong stable governments".

Almost every other country in Europe uses some form of proportional representation, and PR often produces coalitions. However, coalitions produce strong stable governments, with stable policies. Germany, Sweden, Denmark, Norway, Netherlands, Belgium, Finland and so on and on, have all been run routinely by coalitions. However, no one seriously believes they are unstable.

Because they are run by coalitions, policies are made by consensus. When a new government takes over, it follows the same consensus. You don't have the same fear of the country stumbling left, then right, then left again.

And you don't have to gerrymander small parties to get into government.

Erotica 09: Bit limp, but crowds still up for it

Female libido pills

I read the Guardian report on tablets to increase female libido.

Judging by the outcome of tests, it is cheaper to buy placebos, and tell your woman that they increase her libido. You'll get laid just under 4 times a month. With the expensive tablets, you'll get laid just over 4 times a month.

Of course, placebos would not work if they were mixed secretly in her cornflakes, while ... hmm.

Atheists smite online God poll

Biased poll

I am an agnostic as I cannot choose between the Invisible Pink Unicorn or the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Each has comforted me during the long dark lunchtime of the soul.

Neither was offered as an option in this poll.

I have never met this God, but judging his friends he must be unbelievable. So I had to vote no.

Subtle?

Could a Christian site be subtle enough to create a poll which fails in an embarrassing way, so as to get viral spread, lots of hits on its site, and sales o Christian training courses?

Hmm... seems unlikely that a christian site could have that level of intelligence. But I wonder.

stupid poll

I logged on to vote No, but I suspect the counter is bust.

It is unlikely that the average person going on to a Christian site will be atheist, non-theist or agnostic. So, a poll of them is not exactly a random sample. It's like a poll on the BNP site asking if you support immigration.

What stupidity, and typical of the kind of person who runs these sites.

Existence or non-existence of something is not proven by majority vote. If the majority say God exists, does that automatically create him, if he did not exist before the vote? It sounds like one of Terry Pratchett's Discworld gods, who pop out of existence if people stop believing in them.

WTF is this country called America?

@AC 10.57

"America isn't a continent, as North America and South America are separate continents and people that live in Cuba, Mexico, Argentina, Brazil etc... are never (correctly) referred to as Americans."

If you believe that, you probably don't speak any language but English. In Spanish, Portuguese and other languages, South and North Americans are "American". And the named countries certainly are.

That's the problem when you live in the Anglo-Saxon language bubble. You think everyone talks and thinks like you. Break out of the bubble and have a look around. You'll find the rest of us have created a very interesting world.

Geography lesson please

Never be sarcastic when you may be wrong.

I don't like the Canadian gentleman's way of expressing himself. However, I think he is trying to say that America is not the name of a country. This is a common annoyance for Canadians.

Virginia is a state in the country called the United States of America. Canada is also an American country. It shares the continent of North America with the United States of America and Mexico.

People often refer to "Europe", when they actually mean the European Union. The EU is only part of Europe, not the whole continent, and that annoys non-EU Europeans. Similarly, people refer to "America", when they mean the United States of America. The USA is part of America, not the whole continent, and that annoys non-USA Americans.

Clear? Call them Gringos, not Americans.

Extra large condoms hit UK supermarket shelves

@Mahatma Coat

It's so frustrating trying to make decent puns in or on Latin. Sometimes you think no one learns the language anymore.

Oh yes ... no one does learn the language anymore. O me miserum.

Propaganda

Looks to me like propaganda by the UK government, to lift the people's spirits in bad times.

We foreigners all know the truth about Anglo-Saxons, but a bit of lying never hurts. (Julius Caesar described the Brits as weeny, weedy and weaky.)

Remember the old story from the Cold War between the Russians and the USA. The Russians claim to have run out of supplies of their standard sized condoms, then they order a huge consignment of XXL condoms from the USA. The USA supplies them, but every pack is marked "small".

Vulture Central plans Brit-Yank dictionary

@Jason Togneri

Very good summary of the peoples of the Islands of the North Atlantic.

However, no one in Ireland calls the independent bit "Éire" when they are talking English. It is the Irish language word for Ireland, like "Deutschland" is the German language word for Germany. So, it is only called "Éire" when we are using the Irish language.

If you use "Éire" in English language conversation or print, that marks you immediately as a foreigner. It sounds weird to locals, like using Deutschland instead of Germany.

Having some crack in America

You think you Brits have a problem? We Irish arrive in America, and at the airport we ask the immigration officials where we can find some crack. There is a rush of uniforms ...

We finally get that misunderstanding sorted out. Then our daughter wants to do some drawing, but makes some mistakes. We try to buy a rubber, explaining that we want to have some fun with our little daughter...

Texas cop tasers gobby granny

Crap

She deserved all she got. Why does age allow you to be abysmally rude, as she was?

I think the noun should be taser, but I'm conscious that words get their own life. Over a century ago, toilets produced by the excellent business of Thomas Crapper carried his name on them. After a while they came to be known as Crappers. The rest was history.

US prof says 'bioelectric' cars much better than biofuel

Flex

If I switch to an electric car, the car itself will be cheap. But wouldn't I need hundreds of kilometres of flex?

Sexy Namir sportster to rewrite fuel economy rulebook?

Beautiful

What a pity that silly car got in the way of a proper close up of her.

Intel refutes SSD slowdown accusation

Refute?

Did they refute it, or did they just deny it, without proving their point? Refer to dictionary for the difference, please.

World's ugliest mutt pops paws

Ugly?

Is it just me, or does anyone else think the dog is not that bad? OK, he's missing a leg. He's also gone bald, but hey, he's on chemo for the cancer. He looks like any friendly mutt, that's been injured..

If you think that's ugly, you ain't seen some of the scary ones out there. Even a boxer could out-ugly him any day, with one paw tied behind his back.

Fancy nipping for a quick two-thirds of a pint?

Variable measure

I suggest an arbitrary volume of .586854 of a pint.

Beer can take any shape, and beer can be any volume. So, let's call the new measure "beer can".

Prison boss demands right to jam inmates' cellphones...

Stale news

The Irish Prison Service is now jamming mobile phone signals in prisons. It followed a scandal where a prisoner rang a national radio programme from his cell.

BBC clarifies location of England

What's the problem?

The map focused on an important country, Wales. As people might have idly wondered what the unimportant landmass beside it was called, the BBC told them. Apart from its inhabitants, most people would not care, of course.

Makes sense to me, and I don't understand the discussion.

Scientists unravel galactic spaghetti monster

Her Pinkness forgives you

You fools. Bow before your brazen images, for the one true Pink one forgives you.

The Invisible Pink Unicorn is of course in the extreme top left corner of the picture. Obvious, of course, but none are so blind as those who cannot see.

Goldfish customers sent wrong bills

Goldfish prejudice

I think it is shocking that people are using this human error as an excuse to flaunt auropiscean prejudices.

Recent studies show that goldfish have quite good memories. The forgetful humans who failed to print these statements correctly have demeaned the name of goldfish.

I demand an apology.

Bill Gates exposed as closet Yorkshireman

Maths 1.0

11 generations means an lot of potential links to places in the world. In theory, it implies two to the power of ten or eleven combinations of ancestors (depending on how you count generations). Naturally, a large proportion will overlap, because people moved around less in the past. But it's a hell of a lot of ancestors.

Not all ancestry is admitted, for racial/racist reasons, but most people have heavily mixed ancestries. You only have to check DNA to find interesting combinations.

It's why every US Presidential candidate turns out to have an Irish ancestor, who can be called on to get out the Irish-American vote.

NASA: Mars is good habitat for Terry Pratchett dragons

@ Tim Parker

The "per" in Persil is perborate, says Henkel, which invented the name. http://www.henkel.com/cps/rde/xchg/SID-0AC83309-B11F182A/henkel_com/hs.xsl/11860_11029_COE_HTML.htm

Cuil feasts on Salmon of Nonsense

Cúl means back, but tón means backside

The founders of Cuil do have an Irish background. As many of you know, the irish deliberately created a substantial position in the IT world. For example, the Intel factory near Dublin supplies most PCs in Europe or Africa. Many leading brands like Google and Microsoft have their European offices in Dublin.

Also, the story about Fionn Mac Cumhail (aka Finn McCool for English speakers and slow readers) and the salmon of wisdom is a genuine old story.

However, all that stuff about cuil meaning knowledge is just a load of bull. It was created to get people like you talking about Cuil.com. It's worked.

Wünderbra! German policewomen take 'Action Brassiere'

Boring English obsession

For foreigners like me, it is frankly boring that English people cannot refer to anything German without referring to the Nazis and World War Two.

Yes, the Nazis were vicious mass murderers, and we have to remember what they did. Every child should be shown what the concentration camps did.

But it's just boring to perpetually treat their grandchildren and great-grandchildren as if they too are Nazis. It actually downgrades the memory of the Nazis' evil.

Sumerians cracked world's oldest joke

Spoiled joke

You should have published the winning joke in the original Sumerian. The pun is really funny, although not really PC.

And of course the Egyptian joke is meaningless if don't you see the way the hieroglyphs appear on the actual cartoon.

English Channel defeats one-armed Frenchman

Some armless fun

At least he brought along a friend to give him a hand.

NZ judge saves girl from bloody silly name

On changing your name

Archibald Cockpuller went into a lawyer's office and told him he wanted to change his name.

"I can see why you might want to change your name," said the lawyer. "What are you thinking of changing it to?"

"Well, I thought John Cockpuller would be nice ..."

Who do you think you are, knitting Mr Hitler?

A nice variation on the old toilet wall joke.

My mother made me a Nazi ...

And if you give her the wool she'll make you one too.

The Moderatrix will see you now

Negatives

Why are there so many negative words in English, which look like they should have a positive version but don't? Like uncouth, dishevelled, disperse and so on. Is there a secret place that is forever England, whose happy people are couth and hevelled, as they perse together? Or is it just that English people are negative bastards?

King Arthur was English 'propaganda', French claim

@Mark

In fact, Jeanne d'Arc was burned by the English. Not the French.

Irish King Arthur?

Ironically, the film Excalibur was made in Ireland.

Odd that Arthur is seen as an English hero. If Arthur existed, he was a Briton, and would have talked a Celtic language like Irish or Welsh, and would have shared their culture. He would have fought the Angle and Saxon ancestors of the English, and he would view most English as descendants of invaders who had stolen the land of his people

So all you Anglo-Saxons, if Arthur ever returns, better book your tickets back home to where you came from. The Irish and Welsh will be taking over. Please switch off the power, and leave your keys in the latch.

Bus-spotting paedo terror bust: Shock CCTV image

Fat head

Such wonderful, up to the minute photo-journalism.

However, as I am not from the UK, I'm puzzled by the strange photographs of a head on the bus, with the cryptic message "Vote Gordo".

I know that Gordo means "fat" in Spanish. Who is this fathead, and why would people be asked to vote for him?

Californian boffins find Elixir of Eternal Youth

Young cells do it for me too

If I were to hold a bundle of young cells in direct contact with my own, I'm sure I would experience substantial growth in certain of my cells. However, my wife would object.

NY street-cleaning truck swallows dog

Scooping?

I've heard of a pooper scooper. But scooping up the pooper before he has a chance to do a poop, that seems a bit unreasonable.

Was it a pre-emptive tyke?

Bloke finds illegal immigrants living in loft

Kosovans?

Since the attic campers had decamped, how could police deduce they were Kosovan?

Kosovans as a group are not known to squat in attics. I understand that most people in Kosovo live in their own houses (at least in the ones remaining undemolished by Serbs). They do not show a special liking for other people's under-roof areas.

It sounds like the kind of factoid added to a fake immigrant story to give it an appearance of credibility.

Oz mobe vid flasher caught red-handed

Caught red handed

It's no wonder he was red handed, if he's working it as hard as this. What a sad little pr#ck.

Taxing times for Hungary's porn inspectors

NSFW?

The picture was SFW, so far as I can see. Thank goodness that filthy trollop's navel was covered up by a spot too.

And also . . .

If the tax inspectors saw something like this picture, they must have had spots before their eyes.

What is that long strip hanging down from the ceiling? That must be one seriously tall guy that they've covered up.

Economist: girls actually better than boys at maths

Unbalanced folk in the USA?

The United States only comes 31st for gender balance. So that explains why she has a poor grasp of mathematics. So, that means her figures are inaccurate. So that means it's irrelevant that the United States is so unbalanced. So . . . So . . .So . . . {poster vanishes into a puff of logic}

9/11 an inside job, says Irish pop folkster

Paranoids have more exciting lives

Being paranoid means you have a much more exciting life. Instead of being a boring git that no one wants to sleep with, you are incredibly important and insightful You understand how things REALLY work, and Who really runs the world.. Of course, wearing tin foil caps to stop Their satellites from controlling with your brain is uncomfortable, but so it goes. Every word in the Illuminatus trilogy is true of course. You know They just pretend it's a joke to fool us.

MS bashes Gay(wood) Xbox Live gamer

Gay names

In Ireland, Gay used to be a normal abbreviation for Gabriel. Gay Byrne was a leading broadcaster for decades, while Gay Mitchell was a leading politician. However, younger Gabriels don't use this abbreviation, for some reason.

I am prejudiced against gays for one reason - that they destroyed the old meaning of a good and useful word, "gay". I wish they had created a new word, rather than killing a good old one. Today, many young folk are actually unaware that gay has any other meaning than homosexual.

Franco robbed Sir Cliff of Eurovision win

Spanish entry is a turkey, unlike Ireland's

The Spanish entry is a turkey, but Ireland's Dustin is poultry in motion. And Reg readers should understand that he is not a mere turkey. He has often explained that he is a turkey vulture.

El Reg visits Hyderaspace and sees bullocks, giant rabbits

The Wild East

Speaking as a luser, there are so many cowboys in the IT industry, it's time the Indians got a chance.