* Posts by paul clarke

47 posts • joined 14 Oct 2007

Your move, sucker! Microsoft tests cloud gaming system that cuts through network lag

paul clarke

What happens if I run backwards? will I see what I could have done?


Sysadmins: Your best tale of woe wins a PRIZE

paul clarke

Oh well....

I work in a school as the "Network Support Officer" That means I am the SOLE IT bod in the secondary school with 16 servers and 300+ workstations, I maintain AD, Hyper-V, Exchange, IIs, VLE etc etc etc.

I am also the first responder....

I was once called to a classroom by a pupil who said "Miss can't use her mouse!!" I asked for more specifics but none were given. I gave the child a brand new USB mouse and off they ran. 10 minutes later while I was cleaning out a laptop that had clearly been dumped in the sandpit, the child came running back. "That mouse does not work either" so I plugged the mouse into my test rig, and it worked!! I then sent the child back to the classroom with instruction as to WHERE the mouse needs to be inserted.

10 Mins later, the teacher calls me

Teacher: "that mouse is broken",

Techie: "Are you using the laptop?",

Teacher: "Yes"

Techie: "have you tried the touch pad?"

Teacher: "yes"

Techie: "what happens?"

Teacher: "Well the mouse kinda moves then snaps back to the centre of the screen".

Techie: "What happens with the mouse plugged in?"

Teacher: "Exactly the same!"

Techie: "Ok I am on my way"

So I am now proceeding to the classroom to determine why the cursor would snap back to the centre of the screen. I arrive at the classroom with the teacher and whole class watching me with anticipation as I enter the room.

I take one look at the classroom and immediately identify the problem, but as I have been dragged away from my desk i feel I do not need to share my findings just yet.

I proceed to the desk, moving past the SMART board, and the object that was leaning against the SMART board. I had to move the object, while not making it obvious that is what I was doing!!

I then proceeded to demonstrate that not only did the mouse function correctly, but the touch pad worked fine as well. Having done so, I then proceeded to allow the teacher to try it, and they were indeed happy. I therefore left the room as I had found it, complete with object leaning against the SMART board.

5 minutes later, a slightly exhausted child returns to my office declaring that the mouse was broken again!!

So I repeated my actions, moving the object that was leaning against the SMART board, and showing that the mouse was functioning correctly. The class now seemed to think I had magical powers and that I was some kind of messiah towards computers. Surely I could not be fixing things by simply laying my hands upon them? I kept my smile to myself as I replaced the object that was leaning against the SMART board.

5 Minutes later the child appeared at my office once more. Feeling sorry for the child, I decided to pass on my mystical powers. I passed on the ancient secret of the SMART board.

The child returned to the classroom and moved the object that was leaning against the SMART board. He moved it all the way to the back of the room, held it above his head and said to the teacher "try now miss" and it worked. The whole class clapped the young boy.

Later that night, 4 bottles of Peroni arrived at my office with a note from the embarrassed teacher, "Sorry, and thanks for not making me look an idiot"

I drank the Peroni without any guilty feeling. That teacher will now always check to see if anything is leaning against her "touch sensitive SMART board" before she blames her mouse or lack of ICT support.

This is tale 1 of too many!!


Fanbois locked out of iTunes store, iCloud in Apple outage

paul clarke


Just LOL

Seagate matches and raises WD disk warranty cuts

paul clarke

Cos they are pants?

Has anyone had a 2.5" SATA drive last more than 2 years? I think if they have confidence in their product then they should have no problem offering a 5 year warranty. The problem is, the plants are all contaminated and so they do not have confidence that the parts will be ok for 5 years.

I think SSD's are still way too expensive at the moment for mainstream computing.

Rogue toilet takes out Norfolk server

paul clarke

What a load of shit!

This is the crappiest story I have read for a while. Was his server running a shitty OS?

Note: the pun was intended.

Report reveals patchy ICT provision in schools

paul clarke

Not just infrastructure....

It is the whole ICT system from support to procurement that needs addressing. Businesses that advise and sell ICT services to schools should be vetted by IT qualified staff. I know one company that wanted to supply a Linux based server to server a high school Moodle, they wanted £7500 yes you read that correctly, SEVEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS. Whats wrong with that? Well the spec of the PC (yes PC) was a quad core phenom II, 8GB RAM, and 2TB storage. The same spec PC was available on Amazon with a 22" LCD monitor for £500.

It is companies like this that rip schools off that need to be brought to account and shamed. Schools do not have infinate funding, indeed Voluntary aided schools have to make spending decisions like this as an extremely last resort to fix the one that is there, even if it is too old.

Private businesses do see schools as cash cows, especially when the buying is done by NONE IT staff who know what to look for and where to get it.

Black Ops is the best selling videogame EVER

paul clarke

It IS unfit for purpose

Having owned the game for the PC and upgrading my PC TWICE!! just to try and play this POS I can confirm the PC version is CRAP!

MWF2, BF2, MWF, FFOW all play superbly. No lags, no dropping to the desktop.

This PC version is so bad it beggars belief. Hence the refund from Amazon. (even though it is still available on my steam account ;-))

CoD: Black Ops 'not fit for purpose', fans claim

paul clarke

Got my refund

Hi all,

I pre-ordered this from Amazon.

PC Spec: Phenom X4 CPU, 8GB DDR2, 2xHD5770 in Xfire.

I have all the other COD games and they play just fine. COD:BO was !!CRAP!! constant crashing, not just at the menu but in game, NEVER connected to a MP server.

I sent an e-mail to Amazon and they refunded me.

I have to say, other than FFOW (on Win7 x64) this is the only game I had problems with. I fixed the FFOW - I went to Add/Remove programs, uninstalled FFOW and gave it to my son.

This game is reported as a console port (bad port if you ask me) and was never actually written for the PC, this explains a lot.

UK gov could not procure its way out of a paper bag

paul clarke

Government Procurrment?

I thought this was done by setting up a business selling something you don't have but buying it in at really low cost to sell to the government at vastly inflated prices?

Is this not the way that ALL MP's run the country?

I am staggered that there is no efficiency in government procurrment. (Sarcasm?)

By the way - some french bloke I know has some missiles that don't work properly, but you can have them at the knockdown price of £2bn. I am sure your techiez will be able to sort them.

Blogger outs back-end Google tech

paul clarke


...like shit paper to me.

Or is that just what Rupert Murdoch publishes?

PC tune-up software: does it really work?

paul clarke

Simple Tips

Disable System Restore:

Turn off all the crap with fonts and stuff:

Disable drive indexing:

Sort out the crap in the registry run keys:


Defrag Pagefile:

Get XP ram to 1gb and watch your system come back to life. At least thats what it will feel like. Do you really need MSN messenger starting up? Do you really need your phone sync tools on startup?

Behind Microsoft's IE-free, Windows-for-Europe ploy

paul clarke
Paris Hilton


So are microsoft allowing Win7 users to update their PC's through Firefox? How will they connect to the Internet out of the box?

I see microsoft still do not get it, this is not about saying we do not want IE, its about the fact we want to CHOOSE if we want IE. Many people would settle for XP SP4, or XP R2, with some of the fancy things from Vista/Win7 as part of the SP.

Paris? well does she know what win7 is? Lets educate her!!

BT chief: People don't need fibre to the home

paul clarke

Oye - Stupid!!

I just left BT for BE. Why? Because they offer ADSL2+ service and BT don't. Its also cheaper than BT.

I have two kids at home, both have PC's. I WANT faster internet so that they can watch iPlayer, ITVPlayer, C4 On Demand, C5 On Demand etc etc etc.

Where does this person get his facts from? Fortune Cookies?

Privacy campaigner vows legal challenge to Google Street View

paul clarke

To Mr Davies

Get a proper job.

Guns N' Roses blogger faces music prison

paul clarke

Chris Moyles to be Jailed - Yeh!!!

So if you play a track that can be "recorded and transmitted" as the chap did on his website, you are breaking the law?

So all pre-release songs played by the BBC on all radio stations are now illegal.

Download a copy of Audacity (FREE!!), go to the iplayer website, record, edit, save and go to jail!!

So who is breaking the law here?

The BBC for playing it according to this lawsuit. Does the music industry actually look at what the hell it is doing? does it really want to simply close the doors because artists will simply release the music to their fans on their own websites?

What a crock of sh!te this is.

Pirate Bay prosecutor argues for one year prison terms

paul clarke


“The person who is holding a person’s coat while they assault someone else is complicit in the crime,”

Right I am suing FORD for every time a ford car has crashed, etc etc etc

I am suing GLOCK for every person shot using a GLOCK.

Utter rubbish, the same TORRENT files are available using the GOOGLE CACHE so are they being sued?

Wake up people, gone are the times when someone gets paid $30m for "Starring in a film" - Freetards forever!!

Is the internet going down down under?

paul clarke

Why not filter?

To be honest, I think this is a great idea. I work in E-Safety and I know how difficult this is going to be, but with the help of government organisations such as CEOPs sites that deliver child pornography can be targeted more effectively.

What people need to appreciate here is that there is a minority of people who express an interest in the type of material being targeted for filtering. So why not filter it out. The more that the ISPs can do to restrict the delivery of child pornography and other illicit material the better.

Boy band sings praises of Windows 7

paul clarke

This is sooooooooo badddddddd

where the hell can I download linux - I mean, I want it NOW god damn it!!

who the hell needs outlook and exchange anyway?

This video is the last straw - Balmer is Bonkers!!

Web designer sues Brat City for assaulting hyperlink

paul clarke

@ Fuzzy Wotnot

I think the reason she has brought the case is due to an abuse of power by the mayor. He used his official capacity to retaliate to something he deemed to be personal. Any abuse of power such as this should be punished.

The mayor probably thought, as do the RIAA & MPAA that they can just threaten someone with a lawyers letter and see the money come rolling in because they SEEM to be official.

Noel Gallagher takes a tumble on YouTube

paul clarke

Ha Ha

What goes around......

About time that tw@ got a smack.

Bigger than Jesus? What a tosser.

UK punters scowl at webmail ad targeting

paul clarke
Dead Vulture

OFGS!! Get a life people

E-mails are scanned eh?

Who by? oh no we forgot, they are being scanned by software that targets ads based on words in your e-mail.

So what exactly are the privacy implications? Cousin Jonny sends an email saying he bought a new Mikita Cordless Drill from B&Q and we have a small ad showing cordless drills? Damn I can hear those helicopters hovering above. good job I have this foil hat on!!

And can we have the name of the report changed to "Some UK punters scowl....." so as not to refer to ALL?

If you have nothing to hide, what is the problem? Scared in case someone finds out that you are the worlds number one peado? or that you are in fact Osama Bin Laden and you can be sold a timeshare in Spain?

What are these people on? They will complain about anything!!

Houston, we have a virus

paul clarke

Area 51....

... Anyone remember Independence Day? Perhaps someone is trying to destroy the ISS by sending it a cold?

So what have the people on the ISS done wrong then? Perhaps the invasion of South Ossetia had a more sinister beginnings?


Fart-lighting youth in petrol can mishap

paul clarke


What is the point of reporting this if there is no youtube link?

I'd love to have seen that!

BT slams bandwidth brakes on all subscribers

paul clarke

Legal Use of Non Port 80

BBC iPlayer (Non Streaming)

Sky by Broadband

They all use peer to peer technology to distribute the files. So I take it BT are also throttling their own Broad Band based TV service, BT Vision then? No, why? because it would not work. BT Vision on demand uses peer to peer to distribute. And what for all of those users using BT FON services? Does the subscriber or the user get their traffic shaped?

We pay way way too much for broadband, around 2000% more than it costs to provide it, and they moan because we want to use it? And the worst thing is that WE, the tax payers actually paid for 90% of BT's cabling and infrastructure before the tories sold them off.

Exploit code for Kaminsky DNS bug goes wild

paul clarke

@ noSPicedhAM

Change your DNS to OpenDNS.

Much faster and you have the ability to control the sites that you do not want - IE Adservers etc!!

paul clarke

OpenDNS is OK

I use OpenDNS for my dns and they seem to be ok. I like the fact I can block sites (protect the wee ones!!)

Pretty quick as well.

Microsoft hopes third time is lucky with XP SP3 update

paul clarke
Gates Horns

Torrent XP?

But surely torrenting an XP cd is NOT illegal, after all you only pay for the licence to use the software, not the actual software.

So unless someone is torrenting the stickers then how is torrenting the xp cd illegal as it has no financial value?

So long as you are not giving out keys then I can see nothing illegal about this.

Microsoft seem to want us to play by their rules, so long as they can change the rules once they start to lose?

Brat with own ball not picked for team comes to mind.

Google's spycar revs up UK privacy fears

paul clarke
Dead Vulture

So who is worried?

No one I have spoken to for sure.

Maybe one or two people who seem to think they need to stand on a soap box, but come on who really cares? It's not like there is a DTG on the photo that tells your boss that when you were off sick you were actually banging his missus now is there?

Why can't people get a grip on reality. As for the "storm" do you mean those two people who are so fat and ugly they are embarrassed to be seen? If so - Join a gym you eejuts!!

I think it is pretty damn cool to be able to walk down my street and show people "Thats where I live", "thats my local pub", "Thats whereI lost my virginity", "Thats where obama is hiding"

Google's Street View spycar clocked in London

paul clarke

You shut up!!

I was not talking to my gay lover. I was talking to Paris regarding some slanderous remarks on this website - so expect litigation from Davenport Lyons who also noticed that you are downloading "Linux Dists" (yeah whatever!!) via Bittorrent!!

However on a serious note, can they come down my street, I'd like to show my arse on google maps!!

RAF strafes Next in pirated duvet copyright rumpus

paul clarke
Paris Hilton

So now take...

... the who and all mods to court?

"Stupid is as stupid does" and this sure is stupid!!

Take Oldham to court as well!!


She has a red hole!!

Pro-smoking website redirected to 'baccy free zone

paul clarke
IT Angle

@all who digged @ me

I respect your opinions and your choice to die a horrible death from Lung Cancer, Heart Disease, throat cancer etc etc etc.

So I take it you will respect my choice to stand on top of a table and wazz all over you?

I don't like my clothes smelling of burnt tobacco any more than you would like to sit there covered in urine.

As for "he does not smoke so he must be weak" - FFS will you please read your posts before you post comment. Billions of pound are spent every year treating diseases caused by smoking. You simply can not give up with out someone "helping" you. With out nicotine patches, without extra special treatment. So who is weak?

I do not allow smoking in my house, and everyone who comes here respects that. I do not allow smoking in my car, again all my friends respect that. I am a responsible adult and ensure that the air that my children breath is free from all the carcinogenic poisons released by smoking.

If you truly believe that smoking causes no harm to you or others that breathe in the smoke then you should firstly have your PC taken away from you as punishment for practising to be stupid so much.

The ban on smoking in public was the best thing this government ever did. Next I would like to see a levy of £5 per packet of fags and £3 on those stupid disposable lighters. This then should be used to pay for a reduction in VAT on PC parts!!

paul clarke

Passive smoking IS dangerous..

.. and smokers stink as well.

Sorry but the truth hurts. Smoking kills period. Both by direct inhalation and by passive smoking. Smokers have a choice, non-smokers do not.

People have a right to be protected from passive smoke just as much as we do from any other danger or health risk.

This topic really annoys me. If you do not have the will power to give up smoking because you are weak then don't blame us non-smokers for forcing you to do it away from us.

BBC Micro creators meet to TRACE machine's legacy

paul clarke

Better Programmers?

I think that anyone in the industry that started out using the built in Assembly Compiler on the BBC can stand up and say thats real programming.

Far too many of today's programs are written by bad programmers who do not care about code optimisation and are content on delivering even more bloat ware that is full of bugs and needs patches galore. I once had a word processor, spreadsheet and database package that also allowed 8 pages of text in RAM before it created a file on the floppy to store "pages". Some might of called it a "Page File" strange how that term has now come to mean something different.

The ADC was superb, loads of home made projects, a true inventors dream. I made pressure sensitive doormats that changed the TV to AV and displayed a picture of the person stood at the door. All for fun.

Unseen 'Marilyn Monroe' nude snap wows US expert

paul clarke

Is he blind

Is that not a BMW 3 series over on the left?

I am pretty sure BMW 3 Series did not look like that while Marilyn was walking around!

Calls to ban hoodie-busting sonic weapon

paul clarke

Grrrrrr - this makes my blood boil.

I wanted to comment on this story on the BBC site but there was no way of doing so.

So here goes.

All you whiners out there that complain that it hurts your ears when you hang around the shops in gangs and scaring the pants off the old folks - TOUGH!! Get home and do your homework!! Get a life and do something constructive!!

For those that are affected by this innocently, then you could just approach the shops and ask them nicely if they could only switch the unit on after most normal people have stopped shopping. Say after 8pm I am sure most shop keepers will happily oblige if they know that it is hurting very young children who do not hang around the shops after 8 because the responsible parent has them at home tucked up in bed.

But for all the other bloody good doers who think this is wrong, then I take it you don't mind paying higher insurance premiums? I take it you don't have an alarm on your car, your home, or anti-virus on your PC?

They have a right to protect their property from stupid chavvy prats that want to abuse others or cause damage to property. For petes sake. Someone needs a slap around the head.


US man threatens TV repairman with shotgun

paul clarke

Vista Jail

Is that where you go while waiting for XP SP3?

Japanese geek trio blow up mice

paul clarke

Where is the blood?

I was hoping for a blood and gore fest from the title!!

Can I have a shiny new rock laptop as compensation?

Top secret UK data network goes live two years late

paul clarke

How do you know this?

If this project is Top Secret, how do you know it was late?

It may have been two years early but no one told us. And how do we know data has been lost if it was top secret? think about it eh (picture me tapping my nose!)

Still not the first goverment project to be fleeced by the private sector eh?

Will Microsoft parachute Windows 7 in early?

paul clarke
Gates Horns

Nice man at Comet said...


When a colleague of mine attempted to purchase a laptop with Windows XP Pro installed rather than Windows Vista.

I had warned her of the appalling performance of Vista and driver issues with her current hardware. She explained to the nice chap at comet that she did not want a laptop with Vista. So she left the store after making her feelings known and went on-line and purchased one from Misco.

Why are these people not listening to their customers? She bought the exact same laptop that was on sale in Comet. The difference was that Misco offered it with XP Pro.

Microsoft please note - Vista is WORSE than ME. It is simply the worst OS to be FORCED onto users. Where is customer choice?


DVLA's 5m driver details giveaway

paul clarke
Thumb Down

Guess who buys it?

Yes obviously this is against the 8 principles of the Data Protection Act but who gives a toss?

Well I do actually.

Not only is this action ILLEGAL but they sell it to those people who decide that it costs £60 to park for more than 2 hours on an otherwise empty car park. Tesco do this with their car parks as do B & Q. So for £2.50 they can now hit you with their parking fines.

If we all wrote to the DP(C) then he would be forced to investigate this.

Japanese whalers lash protesters to mast

paul clarke

wow - de ja vu

Not exactly breaking news this story - I read this exact story sometime in 2007!!

I am sure that the Japanese have some well though out motives for firing rocket propelled harpoons at innocent and defensive mammals (NOT!!)

What really worries me about this is the fact that they do this under the "research" umbrella. So there you go - Anyone fancy taking pot shots at people and claiming your right to do so under "Research"

Google Maps Mobile knows where you are

paul clarke

Close but....

Well I just tried it on my SPV650 from orange and it located me to within 1700 feet. However I feel it may be connecting me to a base station closer to my work as the map is pretty close to where I work.

There are 2 base stations within 50 metres of me so it may change over later.

I am impressed, much like having a GPS I now have a phone that can tell me I am at home!!

Confused BBC tech chief: Only 600 Linux users visit our website

paul clarke


Perhaps the open source community should develop their own player? Then offer this to the BBC?

If the player was initially open sourced code then we would not be having this problem now. But the problem is the BBC needing to protect the content using DRM. As most of you know DRM is a corporate issue not an end user issue. We simply want to view the content.

One thing that does bother me, the BBC are publicly funded. Therefore they are answerable to the public. The public in this case want any player provided by the BBC to be cross platform. If this can actually be accomplished while ensuring that the DRM and IP is protected is irrelevant. The materiel has been produced in the first instance by public funds. To protect the content outside of the UK, simply invent a subscription mechanism. This could be in the form of a pay per view or an annual subscription. It could also be in the form of an AD supported iplayer available to non uk residents.

But one thing is for sure, linux is here for the long run and more and more people are going to want the choice once support for XP is removed and Microsoft force vista onto users.

paul clarke

Well I for one...

... would like to meet the other 599 people who like me have visited the BBC using Linux. It is my first port of call when demonstrating Linux to potential customers. So That must be at least 30 visits a week using various distros.

Oh and by the way - I also have a Windows XP box that is not supported by the BBC Media Player. Its Windows XP Pro 64bit.

Wonder how many of the tech team creating the iplayer or what ever they want to call it are under 30?

By the way, where is the Hilton angle for this story?

Beer better than water: Official

paul clarke

Duh!! We knew this already!!

Having played ruggers in the military I can claim prior art to the knowledge passed down to you by prof "not so clever after all". When on tour our first aid kit consisted of cans of boddies, blackthorn cider and red stripe lager. Dependant upon the nature of the injury!!

Also comes in handy as a fire extinguisher for when we do the dance of the flaming arseholes!!*

* could not find a link to a video on utube because I did not look. Please feel free to do so yourselves.

Royal Navy presses IT Crowd for nuclear missile 'servers'

paul clarke

You think this is bad?

The "Ordnance Corps" used a system called COFFER. The "Server" was a two "strong" man lift. Never worked in anything over 20 degrees without the sides off and desk fans blowing into it. Used to fix it by "Power Cycling" Now if you feel that is ok, the PSU for this device was also a two "very stong" man lift.

It was the biggest pile of junk EVER!! And this was designed to work in the field from the back of a truck. Tapes were used to transfer orders placed while in the field unless you managed to "Steal" some comms and then you could use the 3300bps Modems.

Oh and they produced more paper records than Andrex produce bog rolls.

Dutch Consumer Association declares war on Vista

paul clarke
Gates Horns

Who really thinks vista is of any use?

I'm sorry, but you are sadly mistaken.

I have tested both the 32bit and 64bit versions of business and they both suck.

Driver support is absolutely pathetic. I had two laptops, both 64 bit running 64bit Business edition, they were identical. One would allow use of a SanDisk Cruzer, the other said it could not install drivers for it. I have not had any success with Vista as far as peripherals are concerned unless you insist on using the crippled drivers shipped with the OS.

I have had a PC running fine for days, and then suddenly there is a problem with the sound card drivers (the ones shipped with the OS!!) and so no sound. As the manufacturer of the MoBo does not yet officially support Vista with drivers (The board is vista certified and should use the drivers supplied with the OS) then there is no chance of getting the sound re-enabled without doing a re-install. Then there is the added case of vanishing DVD-RW drives, DVB-T cards that simply vanish and will not re-install. A huge problem with more than 3GB ram on Nforce 3 Chipsets (64bit XP is fine, but 64 Bit Vista crashes more often than David Coulthard) even when every memory test runs fine.

Vista is simply not suitable. It is extremely resource hungry. They still have not fixed the slow file copying from network drives (or indeed internal hdd's!!)

Microsoft need to come clean, extend XP life by two years with SP3 and fix Vista. Otherwise this could become the worst OS since Windows ME.


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