* Posts by Ben

52 publicly visible posts • joined 10 Oct 2007


Joss-sticks increase cancer risk: Official

Black Helicopters

Here it comes.......

"The War On Joss sticks" , shit here come the helicopters ,if only i had taken

more notice of those tv ads extolling the pleasure and virtue to be had by investing in

(completely safe and legal to use as certified by someone quite important and/or quite rich and/or expert and/or flawless media profile and /or blonde/young/old

/distinguished/believable /great hairdresser etc etc )

lavender,citrus or pine "air fresheners" ( cough , retch , skin reaction , irritation , breathing difficulties ) , you know , the ones that plug into a 13 amp socket

(ffs) HEY! you could have a different "fragrance" in every room...wheeeze .

But no , i decided to burn lethal patchouli and even now , Jaqui Smith is abseiling down from the helicopter carrying a flaming dildo in one hand , a loudhailer wedged up her arse , and an assault rifle screwed to her knee...woooohooo......

"These are organized gangs , making huge amounts of money , attempting total

destruction of the core values of our society and they must be stopped"

said a spokesperson (uh) for the government

Oooooooooo de torchum neva stop ....another day , another sausage .

Microsoft starts stoking hype for Windows 7


oh yeah.....

"Microsoft remains tight-lipped and focused on re-marketing its unloved Vista OS"

That explains CPC offering vista home premium for £35.00 plus vat then , funny , i thought Mongsoft were software marketeers , not experts in waste management .

"oh keep that money rolling in ,

'cos Steve and lonely Billbo ,

can't get enough of it ,

Lets dance."

HBOS culls 5% of IT workforce



And just as we were getting confident about our abilities to set up dial up modems for

Win95 'an all , sheesh , i wonder if i can still make a cup of tea ......

Orbitsound T12 soundbar


Praise indeed........

"it made much of the sacrifice scene from Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto, with every sickening thud and squelch delivered over an engaging sound field with real accuracy"

So the target market would be goulish adolescent males with an interest in (imagined) realistic violence ..........great review mate , so relevant to those of us living outside the city of tiny lights you inhabit ( bedroom , lingering smell of sock , the sensual fog of absolute fantasy , etc, you KNOW that huh? ) ?

On your downers and your wine , your so big its so tiny , every cloud is silver liney , the great escape for all of you....."

Scuse me , i have to rush off and re-invent the elastic band powered trouser press ( dont fret , we factored in the iPod dock at the first meeting with the accountants , i will be minted , yeah?).

This speaker may play the hose on Bose but it is NOTHING . Compared to the new Creato Mythic Flange 9.1 platinum surreal , a "must have" for , well , simply everyone , but especially for those with a head like a fucken ( that's the irredeemably past tense ) potatoe , or at the very least , more than two ears .

Gah ! my Kef 4 way transmission line bins cannot be bought anywhere

and my ears love them , move along nothing to see here , file under fog plaiting , smoke , mirrors , podcast and the travesty codec .

MPs lambast BBFC over Batman



i wonder what censorship rating the activities of our Government in various foreign parts might turn out to be Mr Vaz , best ask the survivors huh !

Vaz owes me a new beat box anyway , he was on R4 advocating a lofty moral stance on some piece of utter trivia and the slime oozing forth MADE me stab both speakers with a pencil , they MADE me do it , i was FORCED . Batmaaan nananananananana Batman


Sixth British Columbia stray foot a hoax


aaargh..........the horror......

Look Guv, here's my waste per mitt , i'me only a paw man, just trying to keep instep,

toeing the line, no need to stick the Nike in.

Big TV flips ad blockers the bird


freetards out in force today, I see ?

"From where I sit, you (the consumer) want something they (the producers/studios/networks) have (the content).

If the above is horribly wrong, you could always ask them to license your eyes to view their content."

Christ , i hope Gordon Brown doesn't read that last bit........"i dont know such things, i only do the eyes" (Blade Runner).

Some sci-fi book i read mentioned retinal scanners in Tv sets =not enough viewing done =no food and shelter credits=specialist gaze "hackers" subvert the system , plus ca change, n'est ce pas?

"we should do a servy" whassat? footballers abuse a waitress again? oh,sorry wrong broadsheet.

E-food crisis abates as Sainsbury's online sparks into life


Ere that last lot of data you delivered was all scrambled

"Some are even reported to have left their houses in search of sustenance, after perusing Ray Mears' tips on foraging for food in modern Britain."

oooooo meeaow,shirley shum mishtake.

That's a Roadkill Readymeal(tm) featuring pressed hedgehog cutlets with a drizzle of heavy oil jus and a bottle of Chateau Ringroad Trampwee to go, cheers!

UK.gov ready to get muddy again on GM foods

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A thousand vat grown sheeps eyes for your weemin eh?

i geev you eh? what is this my son, you are feasting on the talking book alphabet spaghetti again , this is not wholesome , you must resist or lose the chance to savour the white raisins of Zeneca.Praise be to our policies of international food resource Igor, who cares that the peasants are revolting?

Heavyweight physics prof weighs into climate/energy scrap

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Great article....

Excellent that someone is doing good work on this problem , rather than simply lying their tits off because it suits their political/commercial agenda OR running around our meeja reps propagating hysteria .......downloading and reading , got to be more informative than (see above). : tips hat to El Reg. Have a good weekend.

Gamers love in-game ads, ad industry-sponsored survey reveals

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I can't wait........

I was just about to open the blast bay doors in "Assualt On The Control Tower" and reasonable render of Tony Blair comes jogging down the ramp , waving his arms about , eye twitching with fervent online emphasis , shouting about his new faith school project and how he wants Master Chief on board cos its just the coolest thing since the reformation . And you know what? I just looked down at the rocket launcher i was carrying and , heh , hell why not ?

Glastonbury Festival forecast: very windy, hopes Orange


No worries........

Great memories , and regarding the corporate "slide" , this festival acted like a big fat shroom , when it popped ( mean fiddler , media arse ,

£1,000,000 police invoice , tricky fence ) , the spores went everywhere , if you dont know where , then i guess you dont know . Glastonbury festival , the best town in Europe bar none , for three days only , less crime/trubble than your town , safer for your kids than your town , more

entertainment , excitement and laughter than your town , more drugs than your town ( uuuh , hang on? that can't be right? ) etc etc . Michael Eavis is the sort of man i want as Prime Minister , he could call his "party" anything at all ,it would be the best ever , major respec , dig? ahem.

Koreans develop smelly, blushing penguin-droid

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BSOD: Brown Scent Of Death..........

B.S.O.D Ah ha ha ha ha ha .....

Kim Jong-il? i wonder if it has difficulty with words like "intelligent" or"inevitable" .

"Phew , sorry about that Will Robinson !"

Discovery glides home safely

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"Just a bog standard mission" said shuttle skipper after cistern crash!

DARPA pilot-ware unflappable in wing-fling damage test


"percent" warning....

As hinted above , 60% more accurately would be one wing off at the root AND the "bit" that fell off (this craft is of lifting body type, a consequence of its design goals ie to have as wide a speed range as possible and maintain the highest possible manouverability/control). I reckon at existing air density/likely velocity , the model would then have had the glide ratio of a plumbers toolbag and even HAL would have been saying "Daisy daisy , i am going DOWN" in calm and even tones. Roll on the Emag Res drive............oh,amanfromMars has just told me to "shut it punk" so i will.

Have a good one ........

Bloke finds illegal immigrants living in loft


Ha ha ha ha ha ha

Man this thread as good as the News Quiz ......ha ha ha ha .

Anyway , only this morning i discovered a pair of Surinamese hash smugglers

huddled in my teapot , they reckoned they hadn't seen the Sun for weeks ......they were a bit swarthy but we worked out a fair exchange and they just sit in there most nights watching "Alo Presidente" on a tiny television and banging on about "a bunch of Counts" or something ......

Top Tory resigns on principle over 42 days bill



The D.U.P angle, the artlessly mislaid SECRET docs, Good ole Dave, still, at least

the fishing industry is booming huh? Massive catches of the Red Herring are being reported by the BBC, Marcus Brigstocke has tried them and he now says they are "not bad" so "its all good",the righteous unstinting professionalism of our media can leave no doubts Shirley? aaaaaah ha ha ha ha ! I predict compulsory line dancing to demonstrate our compliance with the Axis of Dim to be introduced anytime now...

"Have you COMPLIED? or has the bullet done it again"

AMD launches external graphics card box


Brilliant !

Combined with the frankly astounding audio quality of every laptop i've tried this can do nothing but enhance the multimedia savvy user experience (tm) , your favourite drum and bass choons transformed automatically into what sounds like a Trabant with a thrown conrod .....

truly ....... er ............awesome .

The "heart" icon , because its friday n'that , have a good one companeros ........

Microsoft proposes gadget feature disabling tech


Microsoft ..........

"Why would anyone buy a gadget that someone can turn off remotely if they don't like what you're doing with it?" errrr , this is an embedded feature of all Microsoft warez , its just a matter of time?

"People just don't give a damn about each other. Any of you have children? Do they get taught how to be a gentleman/lady at school ?"

Ballmer and Gates , co-author a rewrite of William Goldings famous novel

to be available as an eBook , order your copy of "Lord Of The Files" now.

Organised crime law crushes animal rights duo



when are DEFRA gonna have their day in court then , me and my fellow thousands of slaughtered livestock want an answer now .......... if the uncontrolled release of disease into the environment and its ACCEPTED consequences doesn't carry a STIFF custodial sentence for those PROVEN GUILTY then this sentence for protest against the abuse of animals to develop the latest tech in anti wrinkle cream for the ladies is CRIMINAL! F*ck you! anybody would think that the Law is actually there to "PROTECT" something or someone .........i wonder what it can be? Some of the posts in this thread indicate that electrode lobotomization has been an utter success , were gonna need an ARK to survive the drool ............

D isease

E mission

F *cks

R ural

A griculture

Hummer glummer on high oil price bummer

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Hummer ?

Yeah , what is THAT SMELL ?

ISS toilet sucks again

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the flush of success spreads across the Urals.........verr nace !

American auto dealer offers free handguns


Sigh, perspective, etc. Bats?

"There are a lot of very dangerous things in the world. Bats..."

Here in the UK we have laws that protect Bats against that sort of thing , sniff !

"As a Yank myself " , dont worry , its perfectly natural...

"just arm yourself, so at least you can meet the threat on equal footing?"

Cheers for that "Final Thought" . Fear is the mind killer after all huh?

Don't think Gore Vidal would post as an AC so let me guess ? you're channeling

Brig Gen Jack D Ripper ..........

Please note this is not a criticism of the US of A , its just a general and personal unwillingness to be patronised by crypto fascist psychopaths, who , oddly , always seem to be a bit keen on their hardware , we have plenty of those in the UK already from all sorts of cutural and ethnic backgrounds , .........nice.

To introduce a little "perspective" a culture where carrying a gun is felt to be necessary in order to feel safe , is a culture ILL with fear ( i use "ill" in the medical sense ). There has been NO misunderstanding "my friend" , Salut!

Naomi Campbell could face Heathrow charges


Oh Naomi.........

She's got SOME good "qualities" though , right ? heh! fire.......goooooood!

"Yes thats em , i know , they're made of woven asbestos...cheers"

Too dim to set up your phone? Pay someone else to do it


Humans , the missing link , bless...........

Yep , the evolutionary progress from chimp to baboon is indeed a protracted and arduous journey ......................."how do you peel these again?"

Government announces shortlist for ID card contracts



Be better off equipping the thousands of first person shooter fans with a Barrett M82

and employing them to sit on the Dover coast............job satisfaction , employment ,

good numbers for Gordy and the Gurls , feckin' half witted , hectoring , adolescent ,

Calvinist CHIMPS.......................... "O O O, A A A , E E E , is that a banana for me ?"

" No , you ugly cretin , its a machete , c'mere "

Incredible folding laptop untucked on eBay


Folding Laptop ?

Yeah , i've worked on a few laptops that have resisted my attempts to

introduce this feature , i'll just have to invest more money in the appropriate service technology , my current axe just aint sharp enough.

I hear that Rock tried to do this but they made an error and went "supersize" and the whole friggin company folded instead , shame , their

hardware was well above average , this baby may well attract the kind

of person who thinks stuff like the Oric Atmos was/is .....BRILLIANT!.....


How ComScore can track your mouse clicks


Is it just me , but ...........

does Josh Chasin look slightly ODD in the accompanying photo?

He looks like he's ill or SOMETHING , PROBABLY JUST THE PHOTO HUH?

He "apparently" has 25 years experience in media and market research and

you may find one Josh Chasin writing about his thoughts......................

here : http://blogs.mediapost.com/metrics_insider/?p=49 .

and then if you need more ( it is fashionable after all ) a bunch of replies

from other earnest , motivated , certified , professionals........choke ..

God , why didnt i spend four grand with kludgeUteach , i could have been

somebody , i could have been part of it , certified ..........

I think they're really really funny , which is always nice , laughing y'know ?

I nearly suggested that Josh and his friends check out Bill Hicks' riff

on Marketing Executives if they want to make me laugh even harder.......

course , Josh is Chief Research Officer , he'd probably want to check

the numbers on that first .........aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Romanian and Turkish scientists turn circuit boards into oil


"Renewables" its a "buzz" word you know.............

Yeah , my mate is on his 3rd Chinese belt sander , and the suppliers didn't want the old ones back , hmmmmmmm , anybody know where i can see the failure rate

figures (DOA) for the domestic goods everyone "needs" to buy , at the "cheapest" possible "PRICE"? the cathode ray nipple

Germany is the nearest place i know of where this type of scrap can be processed end to end in one plant ( dry process as well .....no water used=.double bonus ) .

Know anywhere in the UK where this can be done? , post here , i would LOVE to know!

Because up till now its all been a load of WEEEEEEEE.......... just so long as little

Jack gets his "iTox" , Gordon wants to encourage trade with China u kno ....

Oh Yeah , thanks for that , Darling (and sisters), but you are still , completely and i do mean completely , F*CKED !

It makes me wonder , how i keep from goin' under ..... its like a jungle ....

Where IS AmanfromMars , i need some help with my extraction of oil from politics

/politicians and he's sure to have the tech to do that .

Apologies in advance for the obelisk of my rant , its an artefact , boa noite .

Canadian toddler dies after VOIP 911 call


" The question is ? "

"We need to have everyone involved in the emergency systems to cooperate in providing the right technology and we need to make sure the technology works. The question is who will pay for this infrastructure upgrade"

Uuuuuuuuh , i think somebody just did ! ffs!

Bit like a hangman apologising because his axe isn't quite as sharp as he'd like , shut the f*ck up with the dead corporate statement , tell the shareholders to shut the f*ck up moaning about the COST and do the job right , its an emergency service , not cable telly ......or the Royal Mail (irony)....................... sad do.

Governator outs Dubya's global-warming 'time bomb'


Arnie @ Dubya

"Come with me , if you vont to live"

Server makers snub whalesong for serious windmill abuse


"When Hamsters Cry"

Aaaaaaaaaah hah hah ha ha ha ha ha ......................sob.............I'm waiting for the animated feature film.................with "Hamster X" voiced by Ron Perlman.....soundtrack by Prince ( featuring the hit single " see above ") ......

posable figures by Plastcitat available soon...its going to be SO HOT......

the film being "sponsored" by " xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx corp"

You think Squirrels are mad bad and dangerous? wait till the Hamsters get going.....

'Extreme porn' law could criminalise millions



"Bit of a leg man meself , what? best hide my expensively BOUND copy of

Victorian Table Legs , could cause a bit of a rumpus down at the club, what ?

Never touched the tat like Bowl Turning for Beginners, absolutely disgusting ,

its just not NORMAL, nanny wouldn't have approved y'see , very , very strict....

ahem .......uhh uhh i think i have something stuck in my throat ..........."

"Yes your worship , its the truth , now be a good boy and cough it up ........."

ffs , shakes head .........

Canadian man in Taser trouser inferno shocker


The Underpants Of Doom

, this little known but prolific splinter group within the PajHamas organisation , achieve their objectives by snagging the big toe as the victim stands on one leg in the process of dressing. This usually results in overbalance and serious fractured limbs/head injuries often result . The discovery and use of fire by the sect is predictable and represents an escalated level of threat .

Good to know that the police are alert , prepared , and most of all that members of the public are willing to " have a go " in order to thwart the evil of ...........etc

a google search reveals more..........

Microsoft to Yahoo!: Surrender or else

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Amen!.........from Mars .

Only goes to show that those from Mars are more evolved than those from Uranus ,

meanwhile we face a future as the "Brown" planet with he who would be "Flash" at the helm..............."Terra" indeed,stay soylent and it will all be just fine ( payments may be made by all major crunch cards , beads or even small pieces of coloured glass , just ask to speak to a Nad vice err )

Vista vs XP performance: Some informal tests

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plain english

Thanks , interesting in a windowy kind of way and clear enough

to understand even for me .

Where are all the posts from the IT angle jockeys ?


Probably the complete lack of biased and exaggerated claims ,

nothing to see , move along , why its so quiet i can hear the faint

squeak of the crash trolley going from Annon to Annon over in

the ElReg customer survey thread...............kinda eerie.

Good article .

Ticks box for "things that DONT need f*cking with one bit"

oh , wrong thread................llocks

Bumblebee boogie analysis in webserver boost


Bee Jizz

“I studied bees for years, waiting for the right application,” Tovey said

Meanwhile the bees have developed their own "killer app" ( groan ) , its

called honey , very good , on a little bit of toast . Quite a popular distribution

it seems .

Remembering the IBM PC


Ms strategy revealed.

Looking at the Microsoft Ad made me laugh out loud , a wood chisel !

Talk about a long term game plan.

Explanatory note : Chiseller , a mean person , with an acute interest in even

the smallest increment of personal profit .

Local govt think tank slams road pricing plan


@ mike richards ( quietly and to one side )

whispers...... that aint no typo Mike , Tee Cee refers to a well known series of

literary works by Geoffrey Willans and Ronald Searle ...... as any fule kno .

As for the Institute of Red Herrings (Govt UK ) public transport policies , hey

they make a bollocks of everything they touch, u kno dat ?

Remember kids vote Halfwit ! tick any box , it dont mean nuffin' eeva way .

Will Christmas sound the death knell for Atari?


silent service

It aint just "Fratboy Slum" still using the ST and Cubase , i know of two

distinctly non- bedroom music studios who have Ataris running , clocking the

entire system of Macs , Ibm clones, adat machines et all , simply because out

of all the modern hardware running bloatware apps , the atari still knows what

TIME it is ( accurate master oscillator? pc's , hah divn't make me laugh ).

Compared to the Mickintosh of the time ,. the ST was the DON in EVERY

respect . Pity they didn't have the good sense to concentrate on what they

were good at , c'est la vie . Still , we now have an unparalleled choice of

cheap sparkly shite to choose from , progress as explained by Parkinsons Law .

Reg Standards Soviet defines temperature and force


@ Andy S

"the tin foil hat needs to be a pyramid"

Also referred to as "a cheops" or "doing a cheops" as any fule kno .

or so the voices keep saying ........

Cops coax half-naked Czech wolfman from Cardiff tree


At Last .....

my chance to win a metro ...........

"Skolar claims tree in Praguematic response to homelessness."


did i win , did i win ?

look if i did win , y'know if there can be any doubt ?

can i have a beige one ( i think it was called "sahara gold" )

smashing .

'Ere , dont be moaning about the sponging immigrants.......

they just aspire to the lifestyle of those who "run the country"

using pretty much the same methods........but it doesn't

bother me because i have a new Metro , ah , safe

in my little bubble , Oui , le Sahara Gold est tres chic n'est ce pas.

Battle of Britain pilots actually crap shots

IT Angle

tenuous IT angle .

With all "help" turned off , realism at max , and enemies "ace" i have

about a thirty percent chance of completing a mission , that is , getting

home and landing in one piece, never mind actually seeing and/or shooting

at the enemy , Its like being armed with a bag of acorns against

a pack of mad squirrels ( and we know about them ).

190's and 88's are very hard in a IX spitfire , sure sounds glamourous the way

some people write it , from whatever the angle , fact is , ime just glad to be

playing a game because the reality must have been f*cking awful.

Respect. "Tally Ho " indeed .

Recommended reading if you want " the horror, the horror "

Goshawk Squadron by Derek Robinson.

Bomber by Len Deighton .

Hundreds for chop as Tiscali launches Pipex jobs purge


"I Woud Never"

hey mate , i happen to agree but for f*cks sake.........

don't pop a ventricle dude , its just a ride , easy .

its a zen thing .

ISP blows the whistle on router chip 'fault'


informative thread ,

For what its worth ..........

Isp , Zen.

H/ware , in the list , not physically checked chipset type .

Distance to exchange , 1.4Km .

Line noise , there but not bad , at vox b/width , increases with

speed at data b/width as explained above and visible in stats.

No problems at all , not running always on though , for lots of

reasons .

Zen ? not the cheapest , and so far from the worst

( i asked them some questions before i signed up ,

as you do ? and they replied , which was nice )

they're in another dimension , all good .

Great site , humour , education , THE information i , i , i ,

f*ck i've turned into Donald Sinden .

Nanotubes offer self-mending aircraft wings, golf clubs

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dodgy application?

Modulus (Youngs) , rhymes with

Icarus ........see 1 . Down (?). probably .

(Single) Rooster , plus "up" .

"But it gets better"

Ho yessss.....

The Rensselaer guys think you should then be able to send a higher-energy current down the wires. This will cause the nanotubes to heat up, melting ingredients in the epoxy"...............wtf????

"Gee this carbon fibre and mystery soup resin sure is good stuff......i just wish i wasn't so damn ....itchy"

The physics is well known and "old school" , any light entering from the sides into the bean counters eyes must be blanked out to avoid refraction of the shareholders .

This is a bit o' balsa , you can make a model outa that!

Igor-style human, animal parts assembly on horizon


My god! they're all so thin.

Hope for the terminally unhip........at last .

Plan for 20mph urban speed-cam zones touted


Hey You , get your dirty little hands off my life .

Just so long as we have a proper public consultation before

finalising anything..............aaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha .

In the nation of the blind the one eyed man is king .

The Solution :

Compulsory 1 year on motorcycle for ALL drivers .

Job Done :

All the incompetent and/or aggresive ones dead in a month or

sent back to skool . ( face facts , there are too many of us NOW ).

If you dont like it , get a lift/bus/train/skateboard/pogostick.

The DSA (Govt UK) are replaced by creatures of intelligence ,visit

Cardington now for the time of your life......not.

Compulsory ban for a month of all parties involved in rta's where

no one requires hospital , 6 months if anyone does , plus

retake of driving test. Provides incentive for self reflection.

All private vehicles ( irrespective of configuration/symbolic libido )

to be limited by power to weight ratio of sensible proportions.

Heh! my fazer six will be well inside the limit naturally ....cos its

just a tad smaller than my penis .....hahahahaha.

Oh yeah and the re introduction of the Tufty Club for

children of all ages.

Humans huh? aint we NEAT? f*ck you! where's Chuck ?

BT blows £250m on wind power

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Wind Turbines are cool .

I live a couple of hundred yards fom one , on a ridge which all sorts of birds

use for wave lift (crows) hunting (hawks)aerobatics(swallows)

close to a large ( very large at certain times in the year ) colony of geese .

If the threat to them is as evidenced , minimal , then what possible objection

can i have ?not being a member of the wave of "rich" incomers worried

about the value of their investment, none.

When a single turbine or group is planned locally , the developers seem

to mailshot me and neighbours , questionnaire & invitation to a

presentation usually included , figuring ( i , suppose , perhaps mistakenly )

that we live with one already , we may be a source of positive comment

at public meetings helping to swing the project .

So far , none of these companies are wholly uk owned.

If wind turbines ARE going to happen , wouldn't it be nice if they were

engineered in the UK and owned by UK companies , rather than a bunch

of people who have a pocket sewn into the back of their suits for the fin .

Silly me i appear to be living in the seventies , when people in the UK

actually(gasp ) made things ............

Incidentally , the resistance to turbines from the spotless jap 4x4 and Audi

brigade seems remarkably robust , that glowing self righteousness smells

more like Magnox than Vestas.

I'll stay with the bird brained , that glow in the dark/leukemia look is so USSR.

And finally , if you ever want a scary feeling , find a reason to be on site at a nuclear reactor.............you WILL know the difference between it and a wind turbine , i PROMISE.

'Fiendish' Trojan pickpockets eBay users



It could have been much worse though ,

imagine it...... ( music ) ....

You're still eight grand down ..... and......

You've got a JEEP .

soz , coat , cape , winglets etc etc .