* Posts by Sam Therapy

438 posts • joined 9 Oct 2007

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After 30 years of searching, astroboffins finally detect the universe's 'missing matter' – using fast radio bursts

Sam Therapy
Angel

Aha!

So that's where I left it. Thanks, chaps!

In case you need more proof the world's gone mad: Behold, Apple's $699 Mac Pro wheels

Sam Therapy
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Buggering fuck.

Behold: The ghastly, preening, lesser-spotted Incredible Bullsh*tting Customer

Sam Therapy
Pint

Thousands of 'em. I was one of the poor buggers working in the call centre for "A Major UK Electrical Retailer", as they are sometimes known, and while some of the calls were genuine complaints, either about the products they'd bought or the arsey service they'd got in a store, many of them were either total bollocks or completely insane.

Had a customer phone up in tears, telling us she'd bought a camcorder that was dud and the store refused to exchange or refund, even though it was only a few days old. I called the store in question and had a chat with the manager who told me "Oh, her... yep, she brought this camcorder in and it was completely buggered. Scratched and bashed about, big cracks down the casing, and when we opened it up, a ton of makeup powder fell out. She's obviously wrecked it herself so we told her it wasn't covered under warranty".

I had the joyous task of calling her back to explain. That went well...like buggery it did. She went absolutely bananas, screaming down the phone (and I mean it), threatening to go to the store and kick off, break their windows and stab the manager, and generally being rather displeased.

Any road up, as per company instructions that all threats of violence should be reported to the police, I called the plod and passed on her details.

The daftest one I remember was someone saying their phone started to float in mid air one evening, and tried to smash its way out of the window. I assured the customer we didn't sell flying phones.

Then there was the one my mate took about a printer with a live lizard in the box.

Beer icon because... beer.

What do you call megabucks Microsoft? No really, it's not a joke. El Reg needs you

Sam Therapy

Tiny Unhard

Windows 7 goes dual screen to shriek at passersby: Please, just upgrade me or let me die

Sam Therapy

Our arthritic old cat died last week.

My Windows 7 box, though, is still going strong.

It looks like you want a storage appliance for your data centre. Maybe you'd prefer a smart card reader?

Sam Therapy
Facepalm

That's nowt

Long ago, when mail order catalogues were a thing, my mum ran a Grattan's agency. One of her friends at work ordered a keep net for her husband's birthday present; an ideal choice for the guy, seeing as he was a keen angler.

Anyhow, the package arrived, with a note saying the exact model was out of stock but they'd substituted it with a similar item of comparable quality. Mum's friend took it home, gave it to husband, who, without opening the thing, took it on his next fishing trip with his mates. Got to the bank side, unpacked his tackle, opened the box and took out his brand new... air rifle. Oops.

Before anyone doubts this, back in the 1960s, mail order catalogues very definitely sold air rifles, pistols, and even - upon seeing the appropriate certificates - shotguns.

From Brit telly presenter Eamonn Holmes to burning 5G towers in the Netherlands: Stupid week turns into stupid fortnight for radio standard

Sam Therapy
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Re: Not enough punching going on

I'd be happy to punch Eamonn Holmes on general principle.

A user's magnetic charm makes for a special call-out for our hapless hero

Sam Therapy
Facepalm

Not IT related but magnetic field related...

A band I knew back in the 80s spent a lot of time and money recording their forthcoming album in their own very well equipped studio and, when the recording was completed, took the master tapes home to keep them safe. Except... (and I'm sure you know where this is going)

One of 'em - the utter bladder head - put the tapes down on top of one of his hideously expensive and ridiculously powerful stereo speakers, had a few celebratory drinks and played a lot of music through his stereo at very high volume. For hours. No, he wasn't the drummer. Bass player and musical director of the band.

Oops.

Remember the 1980s? Oversized shoulder pads, Metal Mickey and... sticky keyboards?

Sam Therapy
Facepalm

I worked for British Coal's IT dept in Sheffield, many years ago. One of the staff - who was always having computer related problems of some kind - called me to say her keyboard had stopped working. This particular person would always, without fail, turn every minor problem into a huge drama with crying, swearing, threats and, on several occasions, throwing stuff. How she stayed employed is beyond me.

Went to her desk with replacement, found the keyboard cable her - keyboard, that is - dangling off the desk, unplugged.

Plugged it back in, showed her everything was working fine. Explained the keyboard was unplugged. Got a huffy "How the fuck was I supposed to know?"

Another time, same person, same problem. This time the keyboard was full of staples, paper clips and those annoying bits of paper out of hole punches. Turned out she and her mate thought it was a great idea to throw stuff at each other across the desks.

I don't believe in any sort of deity or karma or whatnot but shortly after that, her car was nicked from outside work.

Correction: Last month, we called Zuckerberg a moron. We apologize. In fact, he and Facebook are a fscking disgrace

Sam Therapy

Re: Wow

It is not - and never has been - about being ethical. It's about deniability, weasel words and, as the saying goes, disguised compliance.

TalkTalk bollocked after fibre marketing emails found to be full of sh!t

Sam Therapy
FAIL

I don't think it's possible to get anywhere near their usage cap, ever. When I had the misfortune to be with 'em, the network was slow as a sloth on mandrax and prone to rolling over and dying every few minutes.

Google causes more facial-recog pain, machine learning goes quantum ­– and how to lose a job if an AI doesn't like your face

Sam Therapy
Flame

You beat me to it. My son is autistic but at 10 years old, he's not going to be interviewed for a job yet. I recently found out I'm autistic, too.

Maybe we should carry a little card or something. Just fucking great.

You can trust us to run a digital currency – we're Facebook: Exec begs Europe not to ban Libra

Sam Therapy
FAIL

Run a currency?

I don't trust Arsebook to run a bath.

MIT boffins turn black up to 11 with carbon nanotubes that absorb 99.995% of light

Sam Therapy
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Re: Still waiting for the cloak

Chapeau! I was waiting for a Shadow of the Torturer reference.

In return, I will mention Spinal Tap.

Be still, our drinking hearts: Help Reg name whisky beast conjured by Swedish distillers and AI blendbot

Sam Therapy
Happy

EMDL:

External Mouse Driver Lubricant

World recoils in horror as smartphone maker accused of helping government snoops read encrypted texts, track device whereabouts

Sam Therapy
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Good on you, Kieren McCarthy and El Reg. Lang may yer lums reek, or something.

Let's see what the sweet, kind, new Microsoft that everyone loves is up to. Ah yes, forcing more Office home users into annual subscriptions

Sam Therapy

Re: I've been recommending it to people for years

You mean you haven't downloaded the Chicken Entrails plugin? Oh dear. ;)

Neptune-sized oddball baffles astroboffins: It has a good atmosphere despite star-lashing

Sam Therapy

Re: Oh what an atmosphere

Leave Russ Abbot out of this.

Accenture sued over website redesign so bad it Hertz: Car hire biz demands $32m+ for 'defective' cyber-revamp

Sam Therapy

Crikey. They aren't Cap Gemini under another name, by chance?

Google plonks right-wing think tanker and defence drone mogul on AI ethics advisory board

Sam Therapy
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Google acts like Google

Same old shite.

While this CEO may be stiff, his customers are rather stuffed: Quadriga wallets finally cracked open – nothing inside

Sam Therapy
Devil

It was the butler wot did it

Obviously.

Not cool, man: Dixons spanked over discount on luxury 'smart' fridge with wildly fluctuating price

Sam Therapy
Flame

Aye but Dixons...

Are a shower of lying bastards anyhow. Before any legal bods get upset/anxious/into sue mode, I can prove it. :)

Sam Therapy
Coat

Re: You would have thought ...

Frozen?

Just let it go, mate.

Tech support discovers users who buy the 'sh*ttest PCs known to Man' struggle with basics

Sam Therapy

The company? Has to be Packard Bell. Famed for making new Packard Bells out of old Packard Bells.

Doctors join wombats in sh!tting bricks to help parents relax about kids chowing down on Lego

Sam Therapy

Those who think standing on a Lego brick barefoot is painful have obviously never stood on a UK mains plug.

As for eating weird stuff, my daughter has pica, and has eaten all kinds of things including chalk, wax crayons, play sand and paper towels. She didn't much like the play sand coming out the other end.

UK.gov to roll out voter ID trials in 2019 local elections

Sam Therapy

Re: We don't have ID cards...

Some numpties fly the national flag in their gardens. Round here it's usually the ones with Pitbulls.

Sam Therapy

Not so quaint. There's no legal requirement for us to carry ID, so this is a backdoor way of forcing the issue.

If we're going to have mandatory ID, we should also have a proper, written constitution and a Bill of Rights.

How an augmented reality tourist guide tried to break my balls

Sam Therapy
Facepalm

You plum*

You could have put a knot in the lanyard to make it shorter.

*pun intended.

Huawei's Alexa-powered AI Cube wants to squat in your living room too

Sam Therapy
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Do Not Want

Not now, or ever, anything like this in my home.

OMG! Battle looms over WTF! trademarks

Sam Therapy
Happy

P&G - GTFO & FOAD

US voting systems: Full of holes, loaded with pop music, and 'hacked' by an 11-year-old

Sam Therapy

Re: Old joke!

Ordinary graphite pencils, yes. Coloured pencils are more difficult, having a mixture of clay and wax in the core. That's the sort used in voting booths in the UK. It takes a bit of time and preparation to erase a mark made with one of those and, unless you're really careful, tampering is evident.

Grad sends warning to manager: Be nice to our kit and it'll be nice to you

Sam Therapy
WTF?

Anyone remember when Amigas changed to socketed chips? The word from Commodore was, If your Amiga starts to misbehave, lift it off your desk to a height of 6 inches, then drop it. This will, in most cases, fix any problems by re-seating the chips".

I am not joking, btw.

Taps running dry for Capita? Southern Water pens 5-year managed service

Sam Therapy

Ooh, matron!

Boss helped sysadmin take down horrible client with swift kick to the nether regions

Sam Therapy
Thumb Up

Good luck

All the best in your future activities and many thanks for a great column.

British Airways' latest Total Inability To Support Upwardness of Planes* caused by Amadeus system outage

Sam Therapy
Happy

On the radio yesterday...

Took the car in for a service yesterday. The garage radio was playing "Rock Me Amadeus".

Coincidence? Yeah, probably.

Your phone may be able to clean up snaps – but our AI is much better at touching up, say boffins

Sam Therapy

Re: Stating the obvious, much?

"What was your husband's hair like?"

"Well, you'll see that when you remove the hat."

Really.

Oracle, for one, says we'll welcome our new robot overlords: '90%' of you will obey an AI bot

Sam Therapy
Mushroom

Dalek Obsessive alert.

Daleks are most emphatically not robots. They're a squishy mutant squid type thing inside an armoured shell.

So there.

Creep travels half the world to harass online teen gamer… and gets shot by her mom – cops

Sam Therapy
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Re: "Flew halfway around the world" = "Auckland to Sydney"?

You utter fucking spoon.

UK! watchdog! slaps! Yahoo! with! £250k! fine! for! 2014! data! breach!

Sam Therapy
Coat

Re: Please stop

You're! A! Miserable! Bugger! Ain't! You!?

UK.gov online dating tips: Do get consent, don't make false claims or fake profiles

Sam Therapy
Happy

Re: Gender balance

I hear they sell coffee and other non-alcoholic beverages in those places.

Tesla undecimates its workforce but Elon insists everything's absolutely fine

Sam Therapy

It is now.

ICO smites Bible Society, well fines it £100k...

Sam Therapy

Re: How is this helpful?

At least it averages out to a little less than 25p per person so, unfair as it is, it could have been worse.

It would be better, however, to make the top brass - or equivalent thereof - directly responsible and hit them with a fine and possibly some time in HM hostelry.

Google nukes military AI, Amazon happy touting Rekognition to police, and much more

Sam Therapy
Headmaster

"it’s god awful stock photos."

It's "its", not "it's". Fucking hell. Professional writers should not make this mistake. Ever.

Experts build AI joke machine that's about as funny as an Adam Sandler movie (that bad)

Sam Therapy

“Laughter is a special, higher-order function that only humans possess,”

Starting from an incorrect premise is always going to give dodgy results. Laughter is derived from the standard fear response of other primates. There is evidence to suggest human laugher is still an involuntary fear response, since many jokes depend on the unexpected, or the subject being placed in an uncomfortable situation.

Dixons to shutter 92 UK Carphone Warehouse shops after profit warning

Sam Therapy

Re: Too many stores, too close together

It's hardly a shopping mall, either. Half a dozen run down shops, a bus station and a car park.

You've heard that pop will eat itself. Boffins have unveiled a rocket that does the same

Sam Therapy

The Wonder Stuff. No debate.

Swiss sausage sizzler 4.0 hits 200 bangers per hour

Sam Therapy

Re: 1400 degrees?

Upvoted for Dibbler ref.

Sam Therapy
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Re: No Char

Aye, Bratwurst, that's the stuff. Had some tonight. With beer, of course.

You know that silly fear about Alexa recording everything and leaking it online? It just happened

Sam Therapy
FAIL

I will never, as long as there's breath in my body and a hole in my arse, allow one of these things - or a competitor's equivalent into my home. All phones have voice recognition/"helpers" off, all other devices are dumber than a box of rocks. The only recording capability my PC has is my DAW interface for guitars and other outboard instruments. Vocal mics connected for singy bits only.

LG chairman Koo Bon-moo dies, aged 73

Sam Therapy

Yup. They were the cheap and nasty cassette recorders and portable tellies in catalogues such as Grattan and Freemans.

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