* Posts by Anonymous John

2374 publicly visible posts • joined 8 Oct 2007

Beaver, correctly used, 'could save ecosystem', contends prof

Anonymous John
Unhappy

First Paris story of the year!

Ah.....

Civil servants touted ID cards to friends, family as flop loomed

Anonymous John

to undisclosed recipients

Dear friends and relatives.

Please apply for an ID card because of fears about the level of demand. And my annual bonus is at risk.

Sir Humphrey.

Labour moots using speed cameras to reward law-abiding drivers

Anonymous John
Unhappy

Hmm.

1 DVLA letter worth three negative point arrives, and asks who was driving.

2) Both husband and wife already have nine points, so both claim they were.

3) Police investigate and charge both with perverting the course of justice.

In-flight fight for stubborn iPhone-loving teen

Anonymous John

Want to be assaulted?

We've got an app for that.

National Identity Card holding chumps have buyer's remorse

Anonymous John

Gambling.

If you bet on a horse and it loses, you don't get your money back. Think of it as a £30 bet on the Labour party winning the last election, and stop whinging.

Assange lawyers fume over leaked rape case docs

Anonymous John
Unhappy

Hmm

Five commentards who don't like smug pedantic bastards.

Anonymous John

And another bonus if you know

that the phrase starts with "hoist with".

Yahoo! search! stuffed! with! FILTH!

Anonymous John

A tit is required.

And some other rude pink bits.

Man caught w*nking over Alan Sugar's autobiography

Anonymous John

That's the problem with paper books.

An ebook reader would only need wiping down.

Email protected by Fourth Amendment, says appeals court

Anonymous John

It's a bit of a mish-mash.

Once, before the act, I was reading a rather odd handwritten letter from someone claiming to be an accountant. So I went out in my lunch hour and walked past his "business address" to find it was a local authority day centre for the elderly.

Technically that was an investigation that I would have needed permission for post RIPA.

Naked cemetery man was simply photographing orbs

Anonymous John

Title

Will nobody think of the spirit children?

Electric forcefield space sailing-ship tech gets EU funding

Anonymous John
Joke

Easy

You time it to arrive at Pluto at night. No ions from the sun, so it just stops.

Anonymous John
Paris Hilton

Paris?

Pressure Accelerating Radial Ion Sail.

Top secret payload fired into orbit aboard private rocket

Anonymous John

Well, someone has to say it.

"No crackers, Gromit! We've forgotten the crackers!"

Primary school miss flashes porn vid at kiddies

Anonymous John

Re Accident? I don't think so

I assume the thumbs-down is from someone who doesn't do irony.

Anonymous John

Unbelievable!

I didn't think anyone still used VCRs.

LaCie XtremKey all-terrain USB flash drive

Anonymous John
FAIL

Freeze it, cook it, dunk it, thump it

Leave it on the train.

Three bumps up mobile broadband contract charge

Anonymous John

Re: You did read the small print, didn't you?

No. Although as you get 15GB for £15.99 (previously £15), it's still good value.

French woman chased up tree by wild pigs, rescued by copter

Anonymous John

Not a wild animal but vaguely on theme.

"German police seize marijuana Christmas tree"

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20101208/od_afp/germanycrimedrugschristmasoffbeat_20101208170341

Anonymous John

On the first day of Christmas,

my true love sent to me

A crazed reindeer in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas,

my true love sent to me

Two snuffling Gallic boars

And a crazed reindeer in a pear tree.

On the third day of Christmas,

my true love sent to me

A three-strong gang of deer

Two snuffling Gallic boars

And a crazed reindeer in a pear tree.

TBC

Police appeal for missing Taser

Anonymous John

<Anne Robinson>

Later on we talk to Frank Jackson of South London whose child was injured on Christmas Day by a faulty toy gun he bought in a pub. That's Watchdog! </Anne Robinson>

Anonymous John

Fat chance.

Sussex plod lost one in identical circumstances over four years ago. Still missing as far as I know.

http://www.theargus.co.uk/archive/2006/08/03/The+Argus+Archive/6815000.Stun_gun_still_missing/

I liked the Daily Mash version today.

NASA sells PC with restricted Space Shuttle data

Anonymous John

Sanitised title.

I'll give it a week before it turns up on Wikileaks.

Alan Sugar's 'cockup braindead in call centre clueless' BT row

Anonymous John

Re Who I Am

"After 5 mins told BT bloke on phone who I was"

"Why have you forgotten?"

"Don't you know who I am?"

"Why, have you forgotten?"

No, you're right. They do have different meanings.

Judge puts Assange behind bars ahead of extradition hearing

Anonymous John
Unhappy

"fears he could be a target for unstable people."

Like the US government?

Facebook revamp gives away even more info, warn pros

Anonymous John

That's a bit unfair.

If you check her FB account, you'll find out she's only 5ft 1in and weighs 6 stone.

Anonymous John

Arghh!

I must secure my FB account immediately.

Wait a minute............

I don't have one.

My Droid EXPLODED mid phone call, says Texan

Anonymous John

Four stitches in his ear?

So why is he wearing such a huge bandage round his head?

Mass mind control artist condemns El Reg to obscurity

Anonymous John

Re hah!

Well as he talks through his arse, they nearly did.

Herts cops 'ate the evidence' at scene of crime, court told

Anonymous John
FAIL

Re "they should have realised the significance at the time"

Yes they should. The house was empty but they were given evidence on a plate (Sorry) that the suspect had intended to be in to receive the delivery. Hardly rocket science.

Robotic High Noon in Colorado

Anonymous John

"Klaatu Barada Nikto"

"Did it work?"

"No idea, Sarge"

"OK. Blow it up."

Three cops spanking in mobile user ranking

Anonymous John

Nah!

It would have read "Three COPS SPANKING in user ranking" as El Reg is channelling the Daily Mail lately.

'ALIEN' LIFE FOUND in California

Anonymous John
Welcome

That's good news.

Especially in view of the predicted shortage of phosphorus.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2010/11/30/peak_phosphorus_aiee/

I for one welcome our new arsenic based replacements.

Airport face-scan gate unilaterally imprisons traveller

Anonymous John

Really.

That's because the engineer who flew in from Portugal got trapped in the gate too.

Telegraph to charge for online news

Anonymous John
Unhappy

Nooo!!!!

I'll have to pay just for the Matt cartoon?

NASA to make MAJOR ALIENS REVELATION this week

Anonymous John

Atitlefrommars

Good news: SETI has received a message from an alien civilisation.

Bad news: It's a 419 scam.

Anonymous John
Unhappy

Wikileaks.

Why haven't they leaked it?

Pure Twilight DAB/FM radio and dawn simulator

Anonymous John

I already get daylight in the morning.

From the sun.

Three pledges cut-price iPads for Crimble

Anonymous John

Re the hit on the monthly data bill

A £200 iPad with Three's 15GB for £15pm tariff wouldn't seem bad value.

Sarah Palin calls for US to stand by North Korea

Anonymous John

I'm nit so sure.

The US has a black President who I doubt would be re-elected in a two horse race. Is it ready to follow up with a woman POTA? Especially if voting for one increases Obama's chances.

Official: Playboy back cat stashed on hard drive

Anonymous John

Yes, well

It would have been a time consuming scanning operation. Peeling the pages apart, and cleaning the jizz off the scammer every now and again.

Money for nothing – and your (gambling) kicks for free

Anonymous John
Thumb Down

Re Great way to make free money!

Booo!

App maker asks $600 for BlackBerry bling

Anonymous John

404 scam?

Have this "15" on me.

Facebook royal rant bishop suspended

Anonymous John

Time Team4010

"Despite several searches with the tachyon geofizz, we have still not been able to locate the site of Willesden Cathedral."

Anonymous John

Seven years from now

He'll be saying "I told you so, but you wouldn't listen!".

Buffy to slay her way back into cinemas

Anonymous John

Title role.

Can I be the first to suggest Lindsay Lohan? I read somewhere that she's available.

Lindsay Lohan dumped from Lovelace movie

Anonymous John

Of course.

But in the meantime, we'll' make do with Paris and Lindsay.

Anonymous John

Rancho Mirage?

Why does that sound more like a brothel than a rehab clinic to me?

Shell's London office UNDER WATER and besieged by GIANT EELS

Anonymous John
Welcome

A surfeit of lampreys

I for one welcome our new [whatever the adjective for eels is] overlords.

Brits say 'no, no, no' to 3D TV

Anonymous John

I already wear glasses.

So where would this leave me? I doubt I'd see much with non prescription 3-d specs, and prescription ones only seem to be available in Korea.