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You'd think coffee makers alone would have gotten this sorted out.

With all the complaints to HR about being expected by management to clean a machine that I've never been trained to clean.

Complaints to HR about snide comments from co-workers who expect just me to know how to clean a machine that I've never been trained to clean.

And ending with a request to HR to be given a signed notice that: "as a condition of my employment,I should regularly be consuming a known stimulant and diuretic on company time (while obviously still abiding by the company's substance abuse policy). This requirement being obvious from the fact that management and co-workers both have expected me to know who to clean the machine for dispensing said stimulant despite never having been trained how to do so by the company."