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1) It can GPS tag the photo in realtime

Not a feature I'm interested in.

To be fair, some DSLRs do have GPS, though this can take several seconds to get a good lock and can therefore be wildly inaccurate

Every GPS device I've used or worked with can take between 5 seconds and 5 minutes to get a good lock on the GPS once GPS is enabled, even dedicated units with decent aerials.

2) It can upload to storage or social media without the need to find a wifi hotspot

So a big disadvantage then :)

3) It can crop the photo

Stupid idea I know, but did you know that you can do that automagically in the camera - even in old film cameras - just by framing the photo correctly? :) And for those where you decided on the cropping later, there's much better tools out there than any phone's offering. They'll also let you manipulate things in other ways as well.

4) It can apply filters - from simple colour tweaks up to perspective transforms and whichever "snapchat" filters are currently hip with the youngsters today

Not interested. I think I lost interest in such things back when I had a video camera that had a "star wipe" feature on it.

5) It can display the photos at human-viewable size immediately after taking - a Canon EOS only has a 2.7" screen, versus the mighty 6" screen of my phone. And as an added bonus, the touchscreen controls make it incredibly easy to zoom in and flick between the photos

My camera's screen isn't obscured by "touch screen controls", but should I want to I can still flick through photos on it easily. I've almost never wanted to use that though, except sometimes when it is attached to a decent screen without the use of a computer as an intermediary.

The screen on your phone isn't "mighty" for anything much. I prefer to show and examine photos on a proper screen as that way any flaws are going to be easier to notice. That said, I am more inclined to be working towards professional quality photos or at least photos I am not going to be ashamed of showing others.

60 If you're feeling fancy, you can send your photos and videos to any nearby TVs via DNLA magic

No one I know has that feature available to them simply because most people I know either have older TV's or don't bother buying so-called "smart" tvs. We put our money into a higher quality non-smart and a computer of some grade to drive it, thus getting a better screen and a lasting updateable experience for years to come, instead of next week when the manufacturer stops providing updates and YT/Netflix et al change the API.

I don't have any hardware to connect an android device to my TV. I do, however, have a simple lead that allows me to connect my camera to any TV made since the mid 80s.

Equally, some even support social-media uploads, or you can simply transfer the photos to your phone and then upload anywhere

Or wait till I get home and make sure they're of an acceptable quality before another gets to see them :)

But as far as I'm aware, they can't do any editing of the photo or apply any filters, and they're pretty poor when it comes to showing people the photos they contain.

So is you phone screen :) And I'd much rather carry my small camera and my phone then carry a phone with a 6" screen. But then I do get out and have fun, and such a large slab would get in the way of that quite often :)

So what were your advantages of a DSLR camera again? Sounds like I'll be carrying around a lot of weight - and having another set of batteries to charge - for less functionality than my phone offers.

Only one I'm interested in. The quality of the pictures.

And I'd rather not carry a DSRL with me all the time, or take it into places where it could get damaged (e.g. nightclubs) - even assuming that I'd be allowed in with such a device [*].

Agreed. For those I have a smaller and cheaper camera (or suitable insurance). Smaller than your phone, "less functional" maybe, but while my camera cannot make phone calls or upload photos to all and sundry (costing me copyright as well while it's at it - check Google's TOS) it does one thing much better than any phone on the market can, even those with more than double the MP - it takes good pictures.

Yes, yes, I know that the quality of the photos will be better. But for most people, smartphone photos are now Good Enough, in much the same way that MP3 proved to be good enough when compared to CDs and vinyl, and streaming video proved to be good enough against DVD and Blu-ray. Snark all you want about the quality; we'll be over here having fun and taking Good Enough photos to prove it...

There's several levels of "good enough" though, same with MP3 and the like. Those who know what they're doing apreciate things with higher quality - it's a curse in many respects. I can enjoy slapping a bit of cheap tinned spaghetti on toast and sprinkling some of the wrong kind of cheap cheese on top of it. Many people reading this are gagging at the concept, and several others are lobbying for a return of the death penalty for such food crimes. Because I am someone with an 'untrained pallet' I and I have no clue what I am missing, I am able to enjoy such things. Same with people who like cheap wine vs the true connoisseurs - the latter know everything that's wrong with the cheap junk and cannot enjoy it (although if they don't know it's cheap junk it may be another matter :) )

For you, your phone's camera is 'good enough'. Cloud storage on Google's servers (where you give them rights to use your stuff as they want, forever - if they haven't changed the T&Cs) may be fine for you. Checking your photos out on a piddly little screen might be enough, and being able to play with filters might make you feel like a pro.

For me, these things just aren't good enough. They would be if I hadn't spent time studying photography, didn't learn about what makes a great picture vs what is mundane and what is bloody aweful.

I can't enjoy the photos that you can, because I know what is wrong with them. Just like you may have a very hard time with "mini pizzas" with a base that is a slice of cheap white bread, a "tomato" topping that consists of tinned spaghetti, and the cheapest supermarket-quality colby cheese money can buy, while I think I know what I'm going to be enjoying for dinner tonight. (Ok, but NOT with Colby - my tastes run a little better than that!)