Re: Telling me!
"1. Awful confusing UX - damn, just trying to do a screenshot of part of the screen requires a 'Snipping' app with a 1980s UX."
You're wrong there, buddy.
Snipping Tool is going to be deprecated soon, though it's still there. There are other ways of taking screenshots in Windows.
PrintScreen button takes a full screen screenshot and places it on clipboard.
Alt+PrtScrn copies the active window to clipboard.
Win+PrtScrn takes full screen screenshot and saves it automatically in the documents folder.
Win+Shift+S gives you a built-in snipping tool without a UI - the result goes to clipboard.
"2. Slows down a lot, despite having 32GB RAM, 1TB SSD, i7 8th gen etc etc. (And it's not HP's fault."
Slows down how? HP preloads several, rather useless programs in their computers, I wouldn't give HP a free pass that quickly.
"3. Windows keep vanishing across my monitors. 4. Crashes constantly, requiring a re-start. Etc."
Vanishes? I don't understand your problem.
Windows crashes *very* rarely and you can usually point the crashes on either bad hardware or some bad drivers. Windows crashes ("BSOD") produce crash dumps which can be deciphered (to a degree) with the Blue Screen Viewer. I'd also check HP's support pages for your laptop.
Of course, you're free to try Linux on that laptop and see if works better...