Congratulations, you're the proud owner of...
When buying at peak (bubble) value:
You have a place to live if you buy a house
You have a stake in a company if you bought shares
Even if you buy gold there's always the possibility that you can make something out of it
What can you do with a cryptocurrency that's too volatile to be used as an actual currency?
In regards to the EU (and the actual article), to say I'm not their biggest fan is a massive understatement but this reads like they want legislative parity with other forms of transactions, which seems perfectly reasonable.
What do you expect them to do?
* Math if you're American