Teledildonics?
You would certainly need a working microphone!
"And then at last the maiden cried
Bum titty bum titty bum titty bum
And then at last the maiden cried
Enough, enough, I'm satisfied!"
And we all know how badly that ended, don't we children?
Oh, and I hate auto correct on this bloody tablet. Took me no end of retyping to get the second line right.