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I want it hot and wet – preferably with Wi-Fi

Stoneshop

then don't bother trying to get served if you're not in a vehicle, weird but true.

Emphasis on in. Went to get a milkshake once while riding the sidecar. Got refused, never mind that a) sidecars don't tip over when letting go of the handlebar to get my wallet out when at the window, b) I can put the cup in the rig and drive off, not requiring such dangerous contortions as holding it between my legs (and it's not warmish 'coffee' either) and c) I was wearing an open-face helmet.

Fsck them.

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