Congratulations on reaching your target. The article is up to your usual whimsical humorous standards and certainly has some truths about unforseen consequences of weight loss.
However... the mistake you made with fitness tracker tech is just being too tight. Get a proper Garmin (or whatever brand) GPS watch. Much more suitable than the trendy fitbit type wristbands. No need to take your phone everywhere and GPS means it actually knows how far you've been. A heart-rate strap will more accurately track calories burned during static excercises such as spinning. If you're in it for the long run then it's worth the investment. Good luck keeping it up in 2017!