Well, shit.
Just when I was thinking that it was probably time to upgrade into a rMBP, they somehow made it crappier. Not only is the laptop non-upgradeable, now it also sucks with the removal of MagSafe and requiring dongles for pretty much everything.
Looks like I'll have to upgrade to the older model, if they're still selling it by the time I save enough to buy one. Otherwise, it seems I'll just have to do with my current 2012 13" MBP until it dies, and then see if there's something actually decent. But judging by Apple's direction, it seems I'll have to jump back to the icky Mickeysoft waters I evacuated when Windows 8 shat on that pool.
Apple, cut the crap. It's not funny anymore.