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What the fuckety fuck am I even reading and what has any of this to with "Object Orientated" programming? Or even JavaScript?

COBOL is a tool. It is an unwieldy tool from back when machines had memory in KByte sizes and a single KHz CPU and three terminals, structured programming was starting to be considered a neat idea and when most everyone had no idea what adequate program syntax might look like, even less what types were (dependent, OO or otherwise) and how a compiler could check code. Time to retire the crap.

And if you program program your mainframe in assembler... well ...