Tarantulas and Their Wily Ways
Right, so I had to break down the door to get in because of the barricade of furniture you'd built on the other side, whereupon I find you with your trousers down, member in hand, and you now tell me you weren't indulging in an act of self-abuse, but were in fact defending yourself from a giant hairy spider that had run up your trouser leg. Likely story.
Hang on, what's that on my shoulder?
(With apologies to a famous stand-up comedian. You know - a proper funny guy...)
Biting the hand that feeds IT
