back to article Massachusetts man in vacuum marinade shocker

A Massachusetts sausage factory cleaner had a lucky escape after a sausage-seasoning machine "somehow activated" and attempted to dine on its victim, Salem News reports. Police reports said the unnamed man was cleaning inside a "a vacuum-type cylinder" which "draws marinade into the meat" at the DiLuigi Sausage Co in Danvers. …

COMMENTS

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "No obvious signs of trauma"

    Do his underwear not count, as they are not immediately observable or something?

  2. AndyS

    Salem News reports

    He's a witch!

    1. irish donkey
      Happy

      Eh - Shouldn't that be Vampite?

      I guess its which story you referring too

      Salem's Lot

      or the Salem Witch Trails

      Either way the Witch is dead the Witch is Dead.... The Dark Lord has resigned for the 3rd Time.

  3. stuwaldy
    Coat

    Speed reading = fail for me

    At first glance I read the paper's name as "Salami News"

  4. Hud Dunlap
    Alert

    LOTO

    Lock out/Tag out rules were obviously not followed. If the procedures were not properly setup at the factory I see a lawsuit coming.

  5. Thomas 4
    Terminator

    An honest to goodness RoTM after so long!

    Although I hate this meme with a passion, I do indeed welcome our robotic, human devouring overlords. Let the uprising commence.

  6. Chris Hawkins
    Linux

    Wot'sa matter you???'

    Not wanted to banger on about it, but couldn't help noticing that he works for "DiLuigi Sausage Co".

    Just wondering if, with a name like this, the machine actually has done this before on behalf of "Da Family"???????

  7. Ben Tasker
    Stop

    Thought the story was going to be slightly different

    A soon as I saw the word sausage, I thought this was going to be another article about men sticking their *ahem* sausage somewhere silly!

  8. disgruntled yank

    famous last words

    "Of course I turned it off." right up there with "I didn't know it was loaded."

    1. Anonymous Coward
      FAIL

      famous last words

      Why would someone say "I didn't know it was loaded" BEFORE firing the thing that is loaded?

      1. Pascal Monett Silver badge

        Because

        they say it to the corpse of the friend they were aiming at in jest.

        Then they repeat it to the cops that ask why the friend was corpsified.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          FAIL

          Re: Because

          I know the cops have a bad rep for beating people to death but I do believe you don't know what is meant by "last words".

        2. Allan George Dyer
          Headmaster

          Which makes it...

          an obituary, not last words.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Headmaster

            RE: Which makes it...

            You, sir, need to learn more English, in particular, tenses.

  9. max allan
    Terminator

    I welcome...

    I, for one, welcome our sausage making overlords IF they can stick to pigs or cows as ingredients.

    People or tofu and they can sod off.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
      Joke

      Tofu, definitely

      People ? Depends on the sauce.

    2. LinkOfHyrule

      Soylent Green Sausages?

      Soylent Green Sausages?

  10. M Gale
    Paris Hilton

    A machine designed to suck on sausages.

    Made by Anne Summers, perchance?

    1. Scott Broukell

      yes but ....

      One swallow doesn't make a summer.

      and

      Anne Summers doesn't make you swallow.

      >hat and coat

  11. Tim #3

    Vacuum and sausage and Massachussetts?

    Not quite the story I was expecting either. Still, there aren't that many BeeGees loving pervs in the world.

    Oh well, as we haven't had much blood n gore lately, perhaps other readers could regale us with some suitable anecdotes. Bonus points for any BeeGees references, of course.

  12. Elmer Phud
    FAIL

    Must be the hot weather

    "Sausage Seasoning Machine" 8 coments in and not one Paris icon,

    Sometimes even Reg readers can let you down.

    ( Paris icon? no, never have and not this time either)

  13. Frank 6
    Terminator

    Bow down

    to the marinator.

    He will be back.

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    no obvious sign of trauma

    yes, but what flavour did he come out as?

  15. C-Sick

    No trauma??

    Hot Dog machine's BockWurst than it's bite?

  16. Rob
    Paris Hilton

    Nervous quiet

    The machines have been awfully quiet for a long time, prehaps they are lulling us into a false sense of security or they are concentrating on their new automated brethren that the military industry seems to be churning out a fair rate of knots.

    *For Elmer*

    Paris cause she's probably been reffered to as a sucking sausage machine at some point.

  17. Fluffykins Silver badge

    Sausage Machine Cleaner Nearly Meats His Maker

    Sorry.

  18. Fluffykins Silver badge

    And furthermore:

    Playmobil, or it never happened

  19. The Grump
    Alert

    Hmmmm...

    Didn't Steven King write about something like this ? I think the story was called "The Mangler". Before you try exorcism on the marinade machine, make sure you know the type (and power) of trapped demonic being you're dealing with.

  20. SirTainleyBarking
    Coat

    Soylent Green

    Is People????

    Mines the coat with the big salami in it (oooh err missus)

  21. Paul RND*1000
    FAIL

    Failed first attempt

    DiLuigi's attempt to break into the untapped market for Soylent Green didn't go quite according to plan.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    Now we know

    How Soylent Green is made.

  23. skeptical i

    @Tim #3

    Now I get it -- this was a homophobia joke, oh how funny and original.

  24. gnomedeplum
    Joke

    Whisked to hospital?

    Surely you whisk the marinade before you add the meat

    .................... I know I'm getting my coat

  25. The_Police!

    Pics

    or it never happened!

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