back to article BOFH: Ah. Company-branded merch. So much better than a bonus

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "I want a technical opinion: what do you think of these?" the Director asks, indicating an item in a glossy brochure. "It's a four-gig USB key. A cheap four-gig USB key." "How do you know it's cheap?" "A, because it's a four-gig USB key, and B, your brochure says they'll give a …

  1. Geoff May (no relation)

    Someone is going to trade mark "WTCLOI" ...

    1. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

      Acronym-Ignorant

      What does "WTCLOI" stand for? Googling didn't bring up anything relevant-looking...

      1. DJO Silver badge

        Re: Acronym-Ignorant

        With The Company Logo On It

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Acronym-Ignorant

          Oh look, the company logo is on it ... here's your HAK5 USB Rubber Ducky stick ......................................... ah good, all your bitcoins have been delivered!

      2. JessicaRabbit

        Re: Acronym-Ignorant

        It's the phrase the PFY keeps using when referring to the can of petrol.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Acronym-Ignorant

        "Extrapolate from context" is a skill more people should have. Some people dont even know its an option.

        1. Ideasource Bronze badge

          Re: Acronym-Ignorant

          That was called "reading comprehension skills" when I was in school.

          There is a separate grade for the transcoding-the-written-symbols-into-pronounceable-sound-symbols. If I recall correctly, that was referred to as "technical reading skills"

          Sorry I recall there is only a few in my class that had competent reading comprehension skills.

          Most could only transcode from written to sound without any comprehension worth of mentioning.

          I remember I got a lot of trouble when I asked the teacher

          why they don't make the students repeat the course, until reading comprehension is competent.

          They labeled me insensitive and marked me for forced emotional indoctrination lessons concerning others.

          But I went to the school in the USA where education is abused and neglected to support favorite social controversies of the day.

          1. Eclectic Man Silver badge
            Unhappy

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            Did you pass your SATS recently?

            "The government has defended tests for Year 6 pupils across England, after some parents and teachers said a paper in this week's Sats was too difficult.

            One head teacher said the English reading test included some "GCSE-level" questions. Some pupils were left in tears and did not finish the paper."

            https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-65570684

            1. Jonathan Richards 1
              Joke

              Re: Acronym-Ignorant

              I expect that we shall not get an El Reg article about the SATS, so I'll just hang this thought here. There is a place, perhaps, for tests that are well beyond the capabilities of any student to complete and score 100%. If that was the norm, then no child would be upset that they hadn't completed everything perfectly, (because that would not be expected) and there would be a scale for determining relative capabilities and progress all the way to the top.

              This is reminiscent of the old marking scheme: "Clears high walls with a single bound" (the criterion for a Principal Scientific Officer) and "Leaves perceptible dents high on walls", relevant to Senior S.O.s

              Icon only for the last bit!

              1. MJB7

                Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                The Cambridge Maths Tripos Part III is a fourth year of university which prepares students for a career in mathematical research. The questions on the exam paper are often of the form "Prove or counter-example the following proposition". Legend has it that the exam setters don't always know the answer.

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                  When preparing for the Fundamentals of Engineering exam in the US, I was told that it's expected I wouldn't know the way to answer each question. That's intentional; they expect the students to be able to sort the easy questions from the hard ones, get all the easy ones done, and only then start on the hard problems. That's a useful skill and a clever way to test for it.

              2. doublelayer Silver badge

                Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                "There is a place, perhaps, for tests that are well beyond the capabilities of any student to complete and score 100%. If that was the norm, then no child would be upset that they hadn't completed everything perfectly, (because that would not be expected) and there would be a scale for determining relative capabilities and progress all the way to the top."

                I've certainly experienced professors who gave those, and I didn't appreciate them. That's perhaps not a big surprise given that getting lots of questions that are intentionally unanswerable with the education provided feels pointless. However, I think there are some big problems with doing that consistently.

                It's not the way that many other things work. If you get several tasks at work, you will be expected to complete them all satisfactorily. If you can't, you need to go to some effort to prove why you can't and ideally that nobody can, or your boss will be angry with you. If you were faced with a manager who constantly asked you to do impossible or impractical things, what would you do? I don't mean the occasional request which proves untenable, or even a request where they first ask you to comment on its feasibility; I mean that almost every goal they provide you is presented as a straightforward task despite being infeasible to complete. I can't answer for you, but I would assume that it indicated they didn't have an understanding of what was practical and they were demonstrating their ignorance. I'd be concerned that pointing that out wouldn't be taken nicely, that failing to do all these things would make them angry, and I'd likely try to get a new boss. If it turned out that the manager concerned was testing me, I would find it disrespectful and pointless.

                It also gives students a bad understanding of their success. Most of the time, they should be able to get 100% of the test completed if they put in enough effort to learn the material. If a test is set up where the best students are getting 35%, as some of my professors liked to do, every student leaves the test wondering if they've just failed the course. They'll be worried about that, and some of them will try to learn all the things covered in tests they were never expected to know. If that stuff isn't expected, it's probably either so advanced that the student doesn't have the basis to understand it yet or it's useless enough that it's not planned to teach them at all. Either way, they're likely to waste their time as a consequence of not understanding that they did fine.

                This leaves us another option for how to make a test more difficult, one that I've personally seen infrequently but others have reported: just make the quantity untenable. Have a one-hour test with a hundred questions, and see what happens. Once again, a work parallel is useful here. We all know that you can get your work done well or you can rush through it and probably make some mistakes, but at least in that case, you'll be choosing between the options based on a situation you can understand and plan for. Not so with the overly long test, where you have to guess whether twenty perfect proofs and eighty blanks is better than sixty quick guesses and forty blanks. You're not really learning about whether the student can do the activity. Nor are you really learning about their time management skills. You're learning what their last-minute guess was and judging them on that.

                1. Jonathan Richards 1

                  Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                  Thanks for the well-argued rebuttal, and I agree that (a) a test which tests knowledge not taught is not useful, and (b) that any 'open-ended' test should not be simply made open-ended by quantity, driving the 'guess-all-the-answers-quickly' strategy. I guess that there's a difference between testing mathematics, where there is a definitely right answer, and testing language comprehension/criticism (which I believe was what the recent SATS kerfuffle was all about). A mathematics paper ought to be capable of completion with 100% success, and just adding a question asking for a counter-example to some current conjecture would be pointless. However, we ought to be able to derive open-ended tests for many educational goals that aren't as rigorous as maths?

                  As far as the Real Life analogies go, I would sometimes ask job candidates what they would do if their boss made impossible demands on their time or resources. The answer I was hoping for would be something along the lines of 'ask my boss for guidance on prioritization', (though any well-reasoned response would have been acceptable!) but more often the candidate would say 'oh, work harder 'til it's done' or 'bear down harder on my own staff'. I once had a young lady tell me that she would be able to cope with impossible demands, because she was female and 'we can multi-task'.

              3. JohnTill123

                Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                I remember taking a course in Electrodynamics in my 3rd year of a B.Sc. and asking the 4th year students how they did on the notorious exam. One said he finished one and a half questions on the four-question exam and managed an A. So I went into the exam and managed to finish a whole two questions, and left the exam feeling pretty good. One of my classmates was grumbling into his beer that he failed because he didn't quite finish two questions, and I joyfully told him that he got an A! He looked at me with intense scorn, as if I was completely insane.

                The following term, it turned out he DID get an A, but he'd forgotten our exchange so he still thought I was a nutter. No good deed goes unpunished...

                Note: The course was based on "Classical Electrodynamics" By Jackson.

                1. Luiz Abdala

                  Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                  There is an anectode around the web about a student that gets late to his Class. The teacher has a set of problems on the board. Because he is late, he thinks he is supposed to solve them. He took a while to solve, but he managed. It turned out to be a famous set of problems, like the Fermat Theorem or thereabouts, and this student solved it.

                  Found the source: the student was George Dantzig and the Class was about statistical theory, and he solved it, thinking it was an assignment.

                  So those tests with impossible questions, well... some day somebody might solve them out of the blue.

                  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Dantzig

            2. heyrick Silver badge

              Re: Acronym-Ignorant

              The Daily Mail take on it (as screamy as you'd expect) was that a union said some of their members (otherwise known as "teachers") didn't know the answers. I suppose that explains a lot about the deplorable state of education, which is ironically why these tests were introduced.

              Personally I didn't consider the questions particularly unreasonable for 11 year olds. There were some hard ones, but that's the point, it's supposed to be a challenge. Tests that are easy are a delusion designed to make people feel good about themselves, not to see if they've bothered to remember what a subordinate clause is.

          2. Martin an gof Silver badge

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            transcode from written to sound without any comprehension worth of mentioning.

            Otherwise known as 'phonics', a teaching method popular in the 1960s, suddenly trendy again in the 2010s and to most right-minded people a surefire way of achieving the goal of reading-without-comprehension. Glad to see it falling out of fashion again.

            M.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Acronym-Ignorant

              Yes, I well remember starting junior school and the kids who came from the infant school that taught phonics couldn't spell for damn. Their reading skills where about the same as everyone else. Looking back, it seems phonics was more of a hindrance than a help.

            2. G.Y.

              reading without comprehension

              There was an ad in Greek in a computer magazine. I asked the group secretary (born Istanbul) what it said -- but she left Turkey at age 5+-, never learnt to READ Greek.

              I have the Greek alphabet, and no more; I read it to her, she told me what it said.

              So I had reading without comprehension, she had comprehension without reading (in Greek, that is -- we are both quite literate in general)

              1. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: reading without comprehension

                I'm a bit confused, why would you expect someone with a Turkish background to understand Greek? There hasn't been a significant Greek minority in Turkey since the early 1920s, and the Turkish language is completely unrelated to Greek.

                (In fact, modern Turkish has a fascinating history as it was essentially invented in the 1920s as replacement for Ottoman Turkish).

                1. G.Y.

                  Re: reading without comprehension

                  That secretary spoke Greek (&perhaps Turkish too) growing up in Istanbul.

                  1. Bitbeisser

                    Re: reading without comprehension

                    She is/was THAT old?

                2. G.Y.

                  Re: reading without comprehension

                  This was in Israel, and the secretary came from the Jewish community in Istanbul

                  1. Anonymous Coward
                    Anonymous Coward

                    Re: reading without comprehension

                    So she would have spoken Turkish and *possibly* Hebrew.

          3. Terry 6 Silver badge

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            That's a big kettle of ball games there.

            In the USA and UK the Behaviourist and Market Economy alliance have made mechanical decoding skills the measure and method for the teaching of reading. aka "Phonics". Decades of research about what readers actually do, like Margaret Clarke's Young Fluent Readers (1976) to the Goodmans in the 80s we've known that sounding out words wasn't the main part of how we read.But complicated, sophisticated reading models don't make for easily measurable, easy to programme, easy to understand, marketable teaching methods that politicians can latch on to and promote as a solution to the "falling standards" that people have been complaining about since at least the 17th or 18thC.*

            *Sorry, I can't member which 17thC philosopher wrote about falling educational standards, it was 4 decades ago that I read that stuff.It might have been Locke in his Essay Concerning Human Understanding. But then again it might not. The passing of the years does that to us all.

            1. seldom

              Re: Acronym-Ignorant

              On the other hand, I was taught English under a system that percieved grammar as a crypto-fascist system to force young minds into a rigid authoritarian mindset.

              It drove our French teacher mad as we had no concept of, or the vocabulary of, grammar. It was also a bit of a bastard when I got to Germany where they take their grammar seriously.

              We also never learned to avoid creulty to the common comma.

              1. heyrick Silver badge

                Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                In my school we didn't have things like verbs and adverbs, we had "doing words" and "action words" and some of the kids were encouraged to use different coloured pens for the different types of words.

                Does make it a little awkward when doing French and I'm expected to identify phrasal verbs, propositions, etc and I need to go Wiki to translate the rubbish I was taught into "this is what grown ups call it".

              2. Kevin Johnston

                Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                My biggest problem in learning German was that when we got to Imperative and Accusative all I could think of was Centurion Cleeves and 'people called Romanus they go the house'

                1. Jemma

                  Re: Acronym-Ignorant

                  But "Romans go 'ome is an order, so you must use.. The..."..

                  We'll soon be "Weleasing Wishi..."

        2. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

          Re: Acronym-Ignorant

          The context I was expecting/assuming was a technical context, so my mental and Google searches ran in that direction, and thus, came up with no relevant hits. Yes, my bad for 'assuming', but I think my doing so was a variation on "people see what they expect to see" (and its corollary, "people don't see what they don't expect to see").

          Thanks to DJO for giving a straight answer, and I'm off to withdraw my post as I am, only semi-rightfully, I think, drowning in downvotes. No, scratch that, withdrawing my post will delete an entire thread, so instead I'll just suffer the downvotes.

          1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            "No, scratch that, withdrawing my post will delete an entire thread, so instead I'll just suffer the downvotes."

            An old dog of principle! You don't see so many of them nowadays. (Upvoted.)

          2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            Upvoted for honesty.

            Something sadly missing in today's USAian politicians (but some of the are getting very creative...)

            1. Ghostman

              Re: Acronym-Ignorant

              I'm from the US, and I approve your message.

          3. Jonathan Richards 1
            Thumb Up

            Re: Acronym-Ignorant

            Thank you for the gracious explanation of a seemingly baffling question. I *have* shamefacedly withdrawn my somewhat sarcastic response, and I didn't downvote you in any case!

      4. This post has been deleted by its author

      5. herman

        Re: Acronym-Ignorant

        WTCLOI is just another FLM.

    2. Dante Alighieri
      Joke

      It's mine now!

      WTCLOITM

      With The Company Logo On It.

      Thank goodness there's no prior art ;)

    3. SVD_NL Bronze badge

      I wouldn't be surprised if there's a "brand" selling sweatpants, kitchen machines, and ballistic vests on Amazon that has trademarked that name.

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

        Petrol tins

  2. BOFH in Training

    When do people understand that cash rules?

    CASH always rules. Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after.

    When will manglement understand that?

    1. LogicGate Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      The trick is to get the good stuff that OTHER companies give away.

      My 16 GB Amphenol USB stick is now so well used that the logo has been completely worn off..

      Oh.. And order some engraved pens from pens.com, and you will continue to get free engraved samples of various pens and other nicknack for years to come. Nice to distribute among the colleagues.

      1. SVD_NL Bronze badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        This^^ get some company pens and bottle openers, and they'll keep sending you free samples with your company logos on it, and the high quality stuff too, they reserve those for samples.

      2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge
        Unhappy

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        It's a sad commentary on the age of my contemporaries that the logos engraved on the pens I collect these days are those of the local undertakers.

        1. Rich 11

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          Agreed, and it does have an impact. The psychologically healthy way to approach it, I think, is to work hard on collecting the entire set.

        2. Eclectic Man Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          the local undertakers

          Do you provide them with much business? <He asks innocently>

    2. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      Meh, one of our projects gave the people involved a multi-ended usb charger cable. At least that is useful (and a nice colour). And since it is a cheap(ish) one it can sefely stay in the office at my desk. No big loss if it disappears (though I admit it is convenient to have it around for when I forgot to charge the phone, or the headset, or the second phone that my desk phone is forwarded to, which I won't answer after hours, or one of my colleagues forgets to charge their [list of stuff]).

      1. phuzz Silver badge
        Flame

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        I'd be worried that someone had decided to save money, and bought a really cheap one, and that it would one day end up drawing too much current and setting my phone/office/house on fire.

        1. Joe W Silver badge

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          That assumes it can actually identify as being capable of delivering that much power. I had my phone on it for a while and the cable did not feel warm. (but, yeah, you are right). And it would only set the office on fire, not sure if that counts as a big loss. Besides, I use it there during business hours, I guess risk is minimal.

          Sounds like a nice attack though :) (and no, I do not have isopropy alcohol in a can WTCLOI)

          1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            You'd also have to have a USB socket to plug it into that is capable of delivering that much power. The average laptop USB socket will put out half an amp at 5V, or, if you're lucky and have a USB 3.0 one, 900 mA. 3.5W is hardly a fire-starting amount of power.

            1. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

              Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

              ... although I suppose if you were cunning, you could fabricate a plug with some very thin wires, and some tinder in it. It would require airflow through it though, which might look suspicious.

              1. Justin S.

                Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                Use aluminium wires with an iron oxide coating-- thermite cables, no additional oxygen required. Though I'm not sure the heat of the aluminium would be sufficient to start the reaction with the iron oxide, but the point stands: include the oxidizer in the cable.

                1. An_Old_Dog Silver badge

                  Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                  As a kid, I used 22-gauge solid copper wire threaded through a firecracker, then connected via long, 18 gauge stranded, dual-conductor wire to a 12VDC, 3.2A racing track power supply. The solid wire got hot enough to set off the firecracker.

                  1. DoctorPaul

                    Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                    Ha, amateur effort!

                    As a schoolchild in the 60s a friend and I got interested in making gunpowder. We realised that a "fine grind" was the thing to achieve, resulting in the construction of a small mill from Meccano, an Andrews Liver Salts tin and some marbles. Worked a treat. Only exploded once!

                    The results were placed in a pill bottle with wires from a toy train transformer joined with a sliver of cooking foil to act as a fuse. Screwing on the top meant that things went off with a very satisfying bang!

                    That said, I did hear the sound of a shard of glass flying past my ear, so was probably inches from losing an eye.

                    1. Ghostman

                      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                      In high school chemistry class we made phosphine.

                      1. seldom

                        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                        Were you at Dovecliff Grammar too?

                        It was a simple mistake that could have happened to anyone who wasn't really listening to the teacher properly.

                        I'm really sorry about that.

            2. IglooDame
              Flame

              Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

              3.5W is hardly a fire-starting amount of power.

              Challenge accepted!!

              1. DJO Silver badge

                Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                Hardly a "challenge", very thin wire and some magnesium powder and possibly an oxidant (potassium permanganate would be good here) and away you go.

                Yeah I know - I'm very irresponsible but I concluded anybody with access to magnesium powder and potassium permanganate already knows exactly what they can do.

                1. Kevin Johnston

                  Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

                  For those of us with limited access to quality chemicals you can substitute very carefully crushed match-heads after removing the wood. Or so I am told

        2. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          The amount of current drawn is not up to the wire to decide.

          1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            >The amount of current drawn is not up to the wire to decide.

            A fundamental tenet of power electronicw

          2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
            Mushroom

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            Peak current? Perhaps not. Average current? It's called a fuse.

            Thicker wire, more average current before it melts.

          3. Jonathan Richards 1

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            * Georg Ohm has left the chat

            * Gustav Kirchoff is typing ... ... ...

      2. Siberian Hamster

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        A real BOFH would already have a special drawer of self made 'O.MG cable' type cables with various payloads designated by cable colour. Linus of LTT has recently done a run through of what the cables can/could do, I'm never trusting an unknown cable again!

        1. Giles C Silver badge

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          I also watched that video it was certainly interesting (or scary)

    3. Ozan

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      It's a good and simple way to extract money for some friends of upper management.

    4. jmch Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      "Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after..."

      Back in the dawn of prehistory when no-one outside of a small circle of financial hell knew what a "subprime mortgage" was, the company I worked for was rather generous with their Christmas gifts, including a high-quality wine set (opening set, ice bucket, tray and glasses) that is still in regular use almost 20 years later.

      But yes, other than that my experience of company Christmas gifts has been 'instant landfill'. Christmas bonuses, however small, were always much more appreciated!

      1. donk1

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Companies and clients I have worked for in the past have given me bottles of wine.

        Brings a new meaning to "instant landfill"!

    5. Joe 59

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      My memory has faded somewhat, so the numbers might be shite, but around 2000, Xerox stock was plummeting, so far that it ceased trading in the exchange, and the company was close to closing doors. Employees were flooding out, threatening death from a different method, when corporate offered a choice:

      $5k retention bonus

      $15k worth of stock options at $22/share

      Nearly everyone took the cash. They had to break their contract when too many people took the cash. The stock options expired long before the stock reached the strike price.

      Because I'm an idiot, I took the options.

      Always take teh cash.

      1. Hot Diggity

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Today's idiot is tomorrow's wise guy.

    6. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      Damn, here was me thinking free pizza on a Friday was the best you could get.

      1. Martin an gof Silver badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Once had a line manager who had come from the mining world. Although the company had a general rule that there should always be someone from our department on duty - so ordinarily we were supposed to take staggered lunch breaks - he insisted we all had Friday lunch together, and would personally pop down to the chipshop and buy tons of chips.

        It was one of the most productive hours of our week, exchanging news across the table and spluttering bits of chip everywhere.

        M.

      2. CowHorseFrog Silver badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Working extra hours on friday for a $2 slice of pizza isnt smart.

    7. 43300 Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      On a related note, does anyone else find it irritating the way so many job adverts list the things which are supposedly enticements, but which are actually either legally required (pension fund, etc), or are pointless crap?

      No, I don't see an "employee assistance" helpline as a benefit because they are useless and I wouldn't trust their impartiality. No, I don't want unspecified 'discounts' for junk from some shops I would never buy anything from anyway. No, I'm not interested in cycle to work schemes or electric car loans...

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        "or electric car loans..."

        Our company tried that, via Octopus. When I looked, their prices where so much higher than other sources that it almost entirely negated the tax-free salary sacrifice scheme "benefits" and, buried a number of clicks into the site, after you'd given your details, it was a lease scheme, not a purchase/loan scheme and I never did find out if there was a purchase option at the end of the lease. No way in hell am I spend 15-20+ grand on a car with nothing to show for it after 5 years. Total rip-off IMHO.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          My company has just sent details of a cycle to work scheme. Leaving aside the fact that I am not the only employee with a totally-impractical-for-bike commute (even including public transport), I looked at the cheapest bike in the scheme. After discount, and including dubious salary-sacrifice accounting, it was actually £50 cheaper direct from the manufacturer!

          1. Terry 6 Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            This is a bit like the products offered to teachers and local authority staff by our unions (Unison and NUT (when I was still teaching)). Almost every single item or offer was cheaper elsewhere. Even loans were offered at a higher rate than the banks.

          2. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            If they're doing a cycle to work scheme, you can buy a bike from any bike shop that is willing to work with it.

          3. 43300 Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            We had one of the schemes at work, and in addition to the cost and limited number of suppliers (many bike shops realised it was too much hassle) it also took up a disproportionate amount of time administering it - plus as I recall it was a hire purchase so the bike ended up as the property of the employer at the end, and they had to either sell it to the employee (presumably for a nominal amount), or duspose of it.

            Unsurprisingly, there weren't many takers...

      2. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Or the vouchers redeemable at outlets where you pay more to start with.

        Something really usable like Amazon voucher codes, oh no far too usable for what you might actually want.

        But no doubt there's not enough margin for the likes of Edenred to have a cut from the middle...

    8. G.Y.

      not always Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      At Microsoft, they gave out patent plaques. Usually in the mail, but when one got presented at a group meeting, I saw a senior mathematician's eyes pop out -- she just plain wanted one!

      My rule: "with my name on it, it's a Victoria cross. With no name, it's a piece of cheap plastic"

      1. Martin an gof Silver badge
        FAIL

        Re: not always When do people understand that cash rules?

        Previous employer tried the morale-boosting 'give everyone a certificate' thing one Christmas. I won 'best technical support - runner-up'...

        ...in a department consisting of me and my boss.

        Yay for me!

        M.

        1. Eclectic Man Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: not always When do people understand that cash rules?

          There is clearly a 'WHO, ME?' or "BOFH" article in there somewhere. Don't keep it to yourself, remember that a problem shared is an amusement for others.

    9. PRR Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      > Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after.

      For some values of "almost".

      I was gifted a CompuServe shirt, nice long-sleeve khaki, about 1995. Still have it. May be the peak of my wardrobe.

      In 2006, for 30 years of service, I was 'awarded' a Bulova atomic clock. Yes, it is really a radio-clock, it may crap-out next time WWV's budget gets nicked. And yeah it is a $3 movement in a $5 hardboard "walnut" case but Bulova charged my employer $60 in bulk (about a dozen of us turned 30 years that year). But when it can catch the wave it is inarguably accurate for domestic time.

      I had some POS 'staff gift' from my school that was so pathetic that I hung onto it..... Ah! The Damn Dean Bag! Looks like a shopping bag, has the school logo painted very nice. Won't hold chit and falls-down trying.

    10. Blackjack Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      Actually if you do not want to give away cash, food works quite well. Instead of giving away random crap do an office party, people will got for the free food.

      But nooo that would be too expensive, right?

    11. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      I have several pieces of 3Com logowear still fit for purpose. Their strategic management wasn't too perceptive, but their company logowear has stood the test of time!

      CB9000 golf shirt FTW

    12. Herby

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      Cash rules. Now for the company logo. It can be either on the company check, or on the nice pieces of paper with either the Queen's picture on it or deceased presidents, or other elder statesmen from the country in question. If you need to apply a logo (WTCLOI) a rubber stanp ought to function nicely. I'll take it in $100 bills please!

      I don't think there are any notes with the newly anointed King on it (yet).

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        Correct, Charles III bank note designs have been done, but won't be in circulation until next summer.

        1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
          Thumb Up

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          I am eagerly awaiting them, as I have a "Liz" GBP50 Turing note, and want the corresponding "Chuck Buck" note.

          // the lack of a Turing icon on this forum is a huge mistake

          1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            Chuck Bucks. Now that is hilarious. You folks ought to replace £ with CB. And, collect a few - he's already ancient, and isn't going to last long as king, so there won't be a whole lot of Chuck Bucks out there.

    13. Eclectic Man Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      The only reason cash has value is that you can exchange it for food and other things necessary for living. Consider two sorts of money, one sort you can exchange for anything except food, water and shelter, the other sort which you can exchange for anything including food, water and shelter. Which would you want to be paid in? In ancient times people were paid in beer and bread, salt, wine etc. as there was no actual money around. I believe that the UK's Poet Laureate is theoretically paid in wine, but this tradition has sadly succumbed to vulgar money.

      Historically, the Poet Laureate received a gift of wine from the monarch. In 1790 Henry Pye asked if he could be paid a salary and the ‘butt of canary wine’ was discontinued until the 20th century.

      https://poetrysociety.org.uk/question/is-the-poet-laureate-paid/#:~:text=The%20Poet%20Laureate%27s%20current%20annual,of%20wine%20from%20the%20monarch.

      1. Shooter

        Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

        I believe the word "salary" is derived from the payment the Romans gave their soldiers to purchase salt.

        1. Joe W Silver badge

          Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

          I think actual salt was given to the soldiers - but I might be wrong (likely...)

          1. Eclectic Man Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

            Being so valuable, soldiers in the Roman army were sometimes paid with salt instead of money. Their monthly allowance was called "salarium" ("sal" being the Latin word for salt). This Latin root can be recognized in the French word "salaire" — and it eventually made it into the English language as the word "salary."

            https://www.npr.org/sections/13.7/2014/11/08/362478685/from-salt-to-salary-linguists-take-a-page-from-science#:~:text=Being%20so%20valuable%2C%20soldiers%20in,the%20Latin%20word%20for%20salt).

            Upvote for correctness.

    14. tezboyes

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      The latest we're all in it together help/reward scheme we have is - to be able to load money onto purchase cards from a few supermarket chains. Woohoo, yeah, thanks. So much more useful than an actual pay rise.

      Though some years ago we did get one item WTCLOI that was then (and still is) of use - a fleece jacket. So whilst WFH with the heating off, as it costs too much to keep it on all day, I can wear that.

    15. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      "CASH always rules. Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after."

      Oh, I dunno. We all got a sent a quite nice F&M Christmas hamper during the pandemic instead of the usual Xmas party the company pays for. Some complained, but then maybe they just have no taste? As someone based too far away from London to make attending the Xmas party viable, I found it a welcome change from the effective nothing I usually get from the company at Xmas :-)

    16. heyrick Silver badge

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      Yeah, but stupid shit got as a job lot can be claimed as being worth X, while the actually price paid was X shifted a few times to the right.

      Manglement don't want things that might interfere with the budget (and thus their bonuses) so they'll bleat endlessly about some feel-good bollocks they read in Management For Dummies and completely ignore the fact that for most employees, it's cold hard cash.

    17. Sherrie Ludwig
      Windows

      Re: When do people understand that cash rules?

      CASH always rules. Stupid crap that a company gives away is almost always gathering dust soon after.

      When will manglement understand that?

      An acquaintance was let go from a company that liberally doled out t-shirts, sweatshirts and jackets expensively embroidered with the company logo. She was rather upset with the firing. The company headquarters was located in a dodgy area of the city, lots of homeless people on the streets. She was bemoaning that after working there for a long time, she had quite a wardrobe of company-logo stuff she never wanted to see again. I suggested she make a distribution of all the tat to the local homeless, improving their lives and getting petty revenge on her ex-company.

      Icon for one of the recipients.

  3. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    "Hmmm … a box of matches and a tin of petrol?"

    Sheer genius. Nice to see the PFY is so thoroughly prepared for any eventuality, down to the tin of isopropyl alcohol (WTCLOI) under his desk. Simon taught him well.

    Now I am torn between the keyboard sprayed with tea and the flame icon

  4. IGotOut Silver badge

    AHH the good old USB

    We all know them

    Metal U-clip with a central pivot point, bearing the logo on and with black plasticy housing.

    Cost about £1 each and usually last about 10 uses before the data gets corrupted.

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      I find it amazing that it took about 30 years for the designers of USB stick casings to make one that wouldnt fall off your keyring due to a plastic ring snapping , or metal u-clip coming inclipped etc etc

      Basically all you need is a hole of useable size, but that seemed to be beyond them.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: AHH the good old USB

        A requirement of mine is that the stick be easily removable from the key-ring when required. One reason being that having the weight of a big bunch of keys is not good for the connectors. Another might be that the bunch of keys makes it too conspicuous.

        A further requirement is that when not in use the connector should be protected from pocket lint.

      2. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

        Re: AHH the good old USB

        I have on my desk, a nice, small solid metal one with the appropriate size hole, marked "DTSE9". It's 8 GB (yes, I got it several years ago), but it still works. I's about 4cm long, and USB connector width and thickness. I have a short loop of bead chain through the hole, and use that to clip it onto one of those "NOT FOR CLIMBING" carabiner clips.

        Ah! It's a Kingston...and they still have it, in 128GB and USB3! https://www.amazon.com/Kingston-Digital-128GB-Traveler-DTSE9G2

    2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      ...and with a 50/50 chance that it comes preinstalled with a virus on it.

    3. Richard 12 Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      The metal half-shell ones that easily slip in upside down, blowing the polyfuse if you're lucky.

      Destroying the USB port, if you're less lucky.

      Or the motherboard if you're having a bad day.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

    4. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      I've had some ones that lasted longer. The one I remember the most was a metal-cased 1 GB stick, mostly because it was small enough to be useless for most things. That turned out to be an asset because it meant that I never erased it for a temporary Linux or Windows installation disk, and therefore my system repair image could always be found on it. It lasted about a decade, and I think I lost it rather than it breaking.

    5. jwatkins

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      Of course the company policy is that USB sticks are banned on company equipment. AND security policy is always banging on about not accepting USB sticks from unknown sources...

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: AHH the good old USB

        I'm waiting for that to happen here.

        Already they have banned connecting to *anything* on a "foreign" network (e.g. my home network), which makes printing while WFH a bit more challenging (mail a PDF to my personal email (also a no-no), then print it from my home system).

        I'm all for information security, but when it gets in the way of me doing my job...

        1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

          Re: AHH the good old USB

          do you rally need to print it ? What happens next? an envelope?

      2. TSM

        Re: AHH the good old USB

        Our machines are set by group policy to not even recognise USB storage devices. It's a pain any time I want to move files around, especially in bulk.

    6. spuck

      Re: AHH the good old USB

      When I was a Micron employee in 2007, management came around delivering our Micron-branded 128MB (Yes, MB) USB sticks. They had to do it in person, because we had to sign the roster acknowledging receipt.

      The reason we were being given such princely gifts was because they were built with Micron NAND flash that didn't pass QA to be sold at retail.

  5. chivo243 Silver badge
    FAIL

    Ah, the company gifts...

    The best thing we ever got was a Bluetooth speaker, it's portable, sounds reasonably good for being about the size of your fist. Now, Simon, get out of my mind! The worst were the USB keys that were shaped like a key! Horrible design and sloooow. And the previous disk shaped housing where the drive swiveled out really sucked with only 512mb... If you're so hard up to find a suitable gift and fail so miserably, maybe you need to save the money for the company?

    1. WakeTheGimp

      Re: Ah, the company gifts...

      I worked for DEC (Digital Equipment Corporation) at the time they 'merged' with Compaq (1998).

      At the office staff meeting to announce the merger, they also decided to give out prizes to staff that had been nominated by management for obscure reasons (this had never happened before, so was a bit strange).

      I, somehow, had been nominated for something like 'being very helpful' or something like that.

      My prize? A pair of sweat pants and a hoodie (without a hood) emblazoned with the now defunct Digital equipment Corporation logo.

      Other 'winners' received similar DEC logo'd merch as well.

      They'd obviously gone through the cupboards and decided they need to get rid of the old company branded stuff, since they wouldn't be able to give use it anymore.

      I must admit, the clothes were both warm and comfy and lasted many years. The track pants lasted about 10 years and I only finally threw out the hoodie earlier this year since it was pretty much worn out and I haven't worn it for a few years.

  6. Hazmoid

    4GB- could barely fit a couple of photos that you do not want to keep on it, I guess it would be suitable for providing those incriminating photos of the boss in a compromising position with his secretary, to be accidentally picked up by the office gossip.

    1. Blofeld's Cat

      "... accidentally picked up by the office gossip."

      Or accidentally swapped with the stick containing the photos for next year's calender.

    2. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Oh, with webp compression 4GB is plenty :)

    3. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Whilst looking for a picture to illustrate the shite design of most of the cases, I just saw a 2TB stick on ebay for £5!

      I'm sure thats really reliable

      It got me thinking and made me realise that USB stick are going the same way as CDsand the floppys before them - not really as necassary in a high-speed connected world .

      ...or maybe its because i no longer feel the need to boot off them to fiddle with computers

      1. Dave314159ggggdffsdds Silver badge

        "I just saw a 2TB stick on ebay for £5!"

        It won't be 2TB, it'll have much smaller capacity and a lie printed on it. They're bargains if you want some cheapo small-capacity USB sticks because you'll get a refund without any difficulty.

  7. Mr Humbug

    Now there's an opportunity

    To leave USB sticks WTCLOI just lying around for anyone to pick up. Of course these would already have some software on them for, erm, auditing purposes.

  8. Azamino

    Would anyone care to share what WTCLOI is supposed to mean?

    "And you just HAPPENED to have a tin of petrol (WTCLOI) under your desk?"

    1. KarMann Silver badge
      Holmes

      As all the previous items were described, '(with the company logo on it)'.

    2. b0llchit Silver badge
      Devil

      Are you the middle manglement director leaving and carrying a lighter and a jar of petrol with the company logo on it and being apprehended by the security guards outside?

      Got burned?

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Probably. But possibly a BOT that's discovered a gap in its training data.

    3. Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward Bronze badge

      Googling for WTCLOI leads back to this article.

      Well done, Simon.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        DDG also has it at the top hit. I'm not sure where any of the rest might lead.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Trollface

          Probably somewhere NSFW[*]

          * cue the questions from newbies wondering what NSFW means :-)

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    That argument style..

    .. very much reminds me of Yes Minister.

    *Way* too close to reality :).

  10. Terry 6 Silver badge

    A company "gift" is always going to be worth considerably less than it's face value. Which would in turn be far less than a useful sum of money.

    1. doublelayer Silver badge

      I think it's mostly because companies want to spend rather little on the gift, and if they gave their employees a bonus of the amount they're going to spend, the employees might find it more insulting than getting nothing. If your employer gave you a £20 bonus, I'm imagining several people who would find that disappointing and would react with indignation. While getting significantly more in cash is best for everyone, there are cases where companies, or more often some group within them, can't or won't spend more on such a thing. An event with free food might be a better use of that amount of money, but it doesn't work for people who work remotely or if such things are just unpopular.

  11. Howard Sway Silver badge

    Maglite torch WTCLOI

    Got it from a client 20 years ago. Still works. Still useful.

    Preferred the boxes of booze that another client gave me. Although I haven't still got those.

    1. Bebu Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Maglite torch WTCLOI

      Oddly enough I still have one from '90s with the Digital [DEC] now faded logo that still works - takes an AAA battery. Has the original bulb still but there is a spare in the base of the torch which I know is a Maglite thing but I like to think it embodied the DEC way of thinking. I was wondering whether I could replace the original bulbs with a LED device but realized the 1.5V isn't enough to drive a LED without an active component to pump up the voltage :(

      Sometime just before Compaq I received a wooden DEC chess set (for no particular reason) which not long afterwards some impoverished student admired, and was soon placed in possession of said chess set.

      BOFH & PFY's discussion of violent acts involving flamable liquids and WTCLOI - the context rather made me think more World Trade Centres' loss of integrity.

      I cannot imagine the BOFH would have had much use for a chess set either - defenestration is so much more effective and immediate than any cunning strategem. On slow Tuesday afternoons I imagine he descends to the car park and reminisces over the blood stains the foolhardy left on the pavement.

      1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge

        Re: Maglite torch WTCLOI

        You should investigate the possibility of converting it to use an LED "bulb".

        I have done this to my Maglite, and the increase in lifetime is significant, over an incandescent bulb (as would be expected). Unless you're interested in focusing or the far better IR output of an incandescent bulb, the LED options available are a huge improvement.

        As to batteries, I prefer the CR123 Lithiums. More expensive, yes, and an oddball size, also require a new flashlight, but for light when you need it, they are an improvement over alkaline cells, and I have yet to have one leak. The torch/flashlight in my cars has CR123s, since their shelf life far exceeds that of alkalines. LED light sources, of course. Chinese 2xCR123 LED torches/flashlights in aluminum are available quite reasonably at Amazon.

      2. rototype

        Re: Maglite torch WTCLOI

        Very easy, get a Li-Ion AAA battery (Yes, they do make them) and a standard white LED - worst case you might need to add a series resistor. Also doing this you'll have a rechargeable battery in it so you'll never have to buy batteries for it again.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Cheapo USB key

    "It's a four-gig USB key. A cheap four-gig USB key."

    "How do you know it's cheap?"

    The correct answer to this question is: "I can tell it's cheap, because the tongue in the USB connector isn't blue coloured".

    (After USB 3 became commonplace, and my boss was still ordering USB 2 stick drives for many months afterwards, I had to 'diplomatically' ask them whether our official supplier didn't also sell USB 3 sticks, as writing OS install ISO images on to USB 2 sticks was taking an increasingly tedious amount of time… The worrying thing is that they weren't aware of the significant speed difference between the two. More fool me, I guess: if I hadn't mentioned it, I could maybe have continued to spend more time reading The Register carrying out important online research while waiting for the image writing to complete…

    The other worrying thing is that even now you still see far too many shops, including large chains, happily selling numerous varieties of USB 2 sticks in store, and often only marginally cheaper than the USB 3 sticks next to them on the shelves. Why on earth are they still stocking and selling these? You can use a USB 3 device in a USB 2 port, but it will only work at USB 2 speeds, of course. There is surely no (or virtually no) use case where buying a new USB 2 stick makes sense nowadays, and if, for some reason (exceptionally picky ancient hardware, perhaps?) someone really does need one, surely they should probably be online 'special order only' these days?)

    1. ChrisC Silver badge

      Re: Cheapo USB key

      "Why on earth are they still stocking and selling these?"

      Because

      "often only marginally cheaper than the USB 3 sticks next to them on the shelves."

      Some people WILL buy on price alone, because they think, rightly or wrongly, that all they need is a "USB pendrivekeythingy", and when they see one priced at X and another of the same capacity priced at X+n, they'll not unreasonable conclude that the former is the one to go for, because they genuinely don't see any benefit in paying the extra for the one next to it.

      And let's not be blind to the reality of life these days - if you NEED a USB stick (e.g. you've been asked to provide one for your child to store homework) but money is tight, then you probably aren't going to want to spend any more than the bare minimum possible even if you know full well that you're buying something that isn't nearly as good as it could be if you could just spare an extra couple of local currency units.

      1. Peter Gathercole Silver badge

        Re: Cheapo USB key

        In the case you outlined, cheap is better for two additional reasons.

        1. Chances are the amount of data needing to be transported is pretty small, so speed is not really an issue, and

        2. There is a high possibility that it will go missing, at which time cheap becomes important.

      2. Roger Lipscombe

        Re: Cheapo USB key

        "when they see one priced at X and another of the same capacity priced at X+n, they'll not unreasonable conclude that the former is the one to go for, because they genuinely don't see any benefit in paying the extra for the one next to it."

        And also the reverse: some people will get the more expensive one because "it's more expensive, so it's obviously better". You make a bigger % markup on the more expensive one, and you've got the consumers coming *and* going.

    2. Elongated Muskrat Silver badge

      Re: Cheapo USB key

      Why on earth are they still stocking and selling these?

      They're selling them because they have them in stock. The person responsible for doing so was probably a bean counter who got a price break of 0.01% at 100,000 units, oblivious to the fact that they'd be obsolete and written off before half of them had been sold.

      1. rototype

        Re: Cheapo USB key

        As an example of this, I use a USB2 SD card reader/writer to put gcode on to transfer to the 3D printer. Since it's generally only a few MB (I don't tend to print complicated sculptures etc, mostly functional items such as brackets and the like) then USB2 is easily fast enough. If I were transferring the software to another machine (Cura & Freecad) I'd generally use the network or if I had to use USB I'd instead use one of my USB3 sticks.

    3. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

      Re: Cheapo USB key

      None of the responders hit the real reason - The store gets the USB2 for a dime per thousand, and the USB3 at a more realistic price. They then sell the USB2 for a few cents less than the USB3. Each USB3 sold might net them a nickel profit, but the slightly cheaper USB2 is practically nothing but profit.

      Them beancounters are short sighted, but short sighted is not the same as stupid.

      1. Il Midga di Macaroni

        Re: Cheapo USB key

        The store doesn't get those profits, the reseller does. And the reseller will make it a condition that the store offers both and with a price difference of at least a certain percentage. And just to be sure they'll have a nation wide monopoly on the big brands, so the store has to buy through them.

    4. Smirnov

      Re: Cheapo USB key

      "Why on earth are they still stocking and selling these? "

      I'm happy they do because I have a number of test equipment and industrial kit which refuses to boot from USB3 sticks.

      Yes, in theory, USB3 sticks should be backward compatible, but in reality that doesn't always work.

    5. doublelayer Silver badge

      Re: Cheapo USB key

      "There is surely no (or virtually no) use case where buying a new USB 2 stick makes sense nowadays"

      I don't know. I was recently purchasing a USB disk intended to stay permanently attached to a piece of hardware which only has a USB 2.0 port and isn't working with particularly large files anyway. I considered choosing a USB2 disk for that purpose, even though nothing would break if I used a USB3 one, just because why spend extra on speed that would never be used? I ended up going with a USB3 one anyway, but other than a slightly quicker population of the data from my computer, it has never used the extra speed it could have. I wouldn't make a lot of them, but I'm guessing there are massive warehouses full of the things and we might as well still use them in cases where they fit.

  13. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Pint

    Afriad I'm with the PFY

    Here

    Cash.... best morale booster ever

    Boss : Christmas party(no beer provided)

    Us: nope cash please

    Boss: Summer bbq (no beer provided)

    Us : Nope cash please

    Boss: Free beer or free cash

    Us : Eeerrrrrrrr rr . does not compute..... must have cash , must have beer .. need cash..need beer ..... error error error cannot decide error

    1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Afriad I'm with the PFY

      Altalink in Calgary, used to provide a Friday beer every second Friday!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Afriad I'm with the PFY

        Where I work in Darwin, Australia the company has a well stocked beer fridge that opens every Friday afternoon at 4:30. Wine and RTDs also options. Plus pool table. Pizza supplied along with beer at monthly staff meetings.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Afriad I'm with the PFY

        Ah, Cobham Satcom in Lyngby (Just outside Copenhagen, Denmark) have a tall fridge full of free beer on Friday afternoons.

  14. longtimeReader

    Got some NSFW merch at W.

    I have kept the merch I got at a conference in Australia some years ago. (It's never been used, honestly, but was worth keeping just for the amusement it creates.)

    It's an IBM-branded vibrator.

    Actually, it's labelled as a USB-powered personal massage device. But WE KNOW.

    1. Karlis 1

      Re: Got some NSFW merch at W.

      You HAVE to share some more pics and details on this!

    2. Zarno
      Boffin

      Re: Got some NSFW merch at W.

      Are you sure it's not a rebranded Hitachi part number?

      Is there an FRU on it?

    3. that one in the corner Silver badge

      Re: Got some NSFW merch at W.

      Hang onto that - it is a rare thing indeed for any company to have the honesty to brand itself as just a bunch of wankers.

  15. Jedit Silver badge

    Why no Vulture icon?

    I want this post to have the company logo on it.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      Re: Why no Vulture icon?

      Didn't Reg Staff posts used to get the vulture icon attached?

      1. Jedit Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Why no Vulture icon?

        Now I think about it, I believe they did. It appears that cutbacks may be happening everywhere.

  16. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Angel

    Not all gifts in kind are a bad deal.

    Every year the company I worked for gave me a large bottle of Bailes for Christmas

    The still do, and I've been retired a few years now :)

  17. Franco

    I do still have a drawer full of pens, post-it pads, USB sticks and other such rubbish WTCLOI. The best promo item I ever received, currently in the tool kit on my bike for emergency use, is a Leatherman Fuse though.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      A desk tidy for several different sizes of Post-It notes. There are no known sizes of Post-It notes that fit it.

      OTOH, this being on the early days of mobiles, I was in an office with a shop on the ground floor. The carrier bags were considered wonderfully cool for the kids to take their stuff to school in.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
  18. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge

    Mindfulness gifts

    #1 worst: Various useless gifts reminding you to take care of your mental and physical health, care for the environment, and be at one with nature. I only open the box to remove the plastic bits before dropping the whole thing in the paper recycling bin. Real mindfulness would have been hiring more people to stop the burnouts.

    #2 worst: Tickets for free "memorable" activities. Cave tours, whitewater rafting, zip-lines, balloon rides, classic car drives, etc. The ticket usually buys 1/10 of the normal event so it's something like 2km of Sherpa through Tibet. Tibet? Oh, yes, it's a global catalog. With blackout dates. Thanks.

    #3 worst: Giant oddly shaped insulated beverage mug that's not dishwasher safe. Can't give these away for free. Can't recycle them.

    #4 worst: Company logo clothing in odd sizes. Fleece jacket with extra-large waist and stick-man sleeves. Synthetic, of course. A cotton one could at least be burned for fuel.

    1. John 110
      Coat

      Re: Mindfulness gifts

      @Kevin McMurtie

      "Company logo clothing"

      My son worked for the software part of an oil industry support company. They were all entitled to free offshore jackets with the company logo embroidered on it. Not survival, but good quality stuff, light and wind- and weatherproof with an inside pocket that can hold an A4 clipboard. I appropriated it when he left the company and was going to throw it out.

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A couple of lifetimes ago I worked for a screenprinting shop that also did embroidery and could order logo'ed tchotchkes. Strange business to be in, pretending to be excited about a new line of [* thingie *] knowing 99% of them will be broken or landfilled outright inside a week.

    Another thing to consider is that the company could no doubt write off the cost of the branded merch as an advertising expense, so not only is the company giving employees stuff they don't want, the company isn't really paying for it either. Gee, thanks.

    1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "Another thing to consider is that the company could no doubt write off the cost of the branded merch as an advertising expense, so not only is the company giving employees stuff they don't want, the company isn't really paying for it either. Gee, thanks."

      And, just for clarification, if they are writing off the cost, that's a tax break and therefore the recipient is paying a fraction of that cost in the tax paid from their wages. Triple whammy!

  20. Il Midga di Macaroni
    FAIL

    I'd rather just not get a gift

    A certain company had been well known for its employee Christmas gifts for years (a bench top BBQ WTCLOI, a picnic cooler bag with built in boom box WTCLOI, company themed monopoly game, etc) but at the change of a managing director, influenced by a few people in HR who think Christmas gifts are heteronormative and white supremacist, it dropped off sharply. The first year under the new MD we got four Lindt chocolate balls in a paper gift bag. This year we got a pair of socks. Seriously, I'd rather they just decide not to give gifts.

    1. Fr. Ted Crilly Silver badge

      Re: I'd rather just not get a gift

      Then we ALL know where we stand...

      1. Jedit Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: I'd rather just not get a gift

        Well, if we get socks then at least we won't be standing barefoot.

        (Mine's not the one with the company logo on it.)

  21. Blackjack Silver badge

    Honesty, the rent-a-cops probably took the cash while "arresting" him. Unless BOFH nicked it beforehand?

    What makes the BOFH so trusting on people so lame they couldn't become real cops?

    1. M.V. Lipvig Silver badge

      "What makes the BOFH so trusting on people so lame they couldn't become real cops?"

      The BOFH has a long history of using the rent-a-cops as a tool of torment. They're just tools, and are as trustworthy as your knowledge on how to use them.

    2. Blakey

      He's not asking because he thinks they're honest. If they know what's good for them - and they do - now is the time to agree that yes, they found it and immediately confiscated it to keep it safe.

  22. Eclectic Man Silver badge

    "Insight Consulting 1991 - 2001"

    When my former company achieved a whole 10 years of trading, the employees were given ballpoint pens manufactured by Cross with the above legend printed / engraved. They must have cost several pounds each, mine still works. I find the balance a bit too top-heavy for normal use though. I must admit that the lettering is so faint you have to look quite hard to see it, so not too embarrassing. Although not quite a Montblanc Meisterstück, I assume that the owners were actually proud of their company. (They made me redundant a few years later, after selling the company to an IT 'behemoth' for loadsamoney, but I have the pen to remind me of such 'happy' memories.)

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Company freebies

    AC for obvious reasons.

    When offspring started work with a certain big 3 letter tech company as a grad they were sent various "on boarding" (shudder) gift items. with logo. But rather nasty cheap stuff. To the point of not exactly being something that would enhance said company's reputation if anyone saw it. Which no one would because it sits in a cupboard at our house taking up a (small) amount of otherwise useful space.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Employee-originated and funded

    When I retired from my previous position, I engineered my own retirement gift.

    The group I was in did product design. I thought we needed a group coffee mug, so I crowdsourced the design (we have some very good artists in the group) and sent it out to a company that did this sort of thing. Got several dozen back (enough for everyone and a few extras for new hires/gifts, etc) and handed them out, asking for a completely voluntary amount to defray the cost of having them made (which I advanced...it was a relatively reasonable amount).

    They were well received and I believe the back stock is almost gone. My memory is cast in ceramic WTCLOI...:-)

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Employee-originated and funded

      My late grandfather (b end of 19th C and a WW! veteran) became an upholsterer. His retirement gift was an American rocking chair. Not those little things on porches you see in films. A big solid thing with a spring rocker.

    2. Il Midga di Macaroni

      Re: Employee-originated and funded

      We did something similar for a farewell gift for a well loved manager who enjoyed his cup of coffee (and also treated coffee break time as a form of Management By Wandering Around). It was received well from all accounts.

  25. Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch Silver badge
    Flame

    Corporate generosity

    At the height of the pandemic working in an Emergency Department suffering from access block (all ward beds full, so patients who need to be in a real hospital bed left sitting on an uncomfortable* ED trolley), the C-suite thought it a good idea to give out a self-care pack to the afflicted long-stayers: in this case a drawstring bag with a scented candle, some hand sanitiser and a disposable electronic thermometer - all WTCLOI.

    I pointed out that, with a source of ignition, what they'd given to each person spending 36h+ in ED was a rectal thermometer and a Molotov cocktail.

    *If you've ever wondered why the beds are so uncomfortable in an Emergency Department, every one of them has to be ready to have CPR commenced on its occupant within about 3 seconds, which is not true of your run of the mill hospital bed.

  26. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    T-shirt company

    Sun Microsystems a T-shirt company that also made computers...

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