BOFH: I care a lot ... about onion bhajis

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "There's been a complaint about Stephen," the Boss says, barging into Mission Control a quarter hour before the PFY is due to show. "My... award-winning assistant?" I ask, comforted somewhat by the world returning to normality. "That was once, and it's over now," the Boss counters. " …

[Dave K]

Happy Friday

"They asked me to wait outside."

"And you thought here was technically outside?"

"Oh no, I nipped across the road for a pint. Then I came here."

Outstanding! Anyway, almost time to "head offsite to get some replacement equipment", or visit the pub as its also known...

[Chloe Cresswell]

Re: Happy Friday

I thought that would be more a resupply of vital cooling liquids

[b0llchit]

Re: Happy Friday

Depends on the percentage.

[tezboyes]

Re: Happy Friday

The BOFH should join the PFY then it becomes an off-site team bonding session.

[Hot Diggity]

Ssh Window

Is that a noiselessly opening window next to where HR just happen to venture a little too close to the view?

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Ssh Window

You have been eaten by grue.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Ssh Window

damn i picked a bad week to quit sniffing glue

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Re: Ssh Window

Indeed, just waiting for that Database Normalisation Warning to pop up.

[chivo243]

Pints all around!

"Well we better generate that now then!" I say, triggering the firmware update of the core router that I've been saving for a special occasion.

I also need a new keyboard, but since we're only allowed one icon per post--->

[Hot Diggity]

Re: Pints all around!

And an additional advantage is that there is no need for change control and all those annoying approvals to obtain.

It's now an incident.

[RockBurner]

"One of the basic tenets of IT is never testing for an error condition you don't know how to handle. "

Abso-bloody-lutely!

[Anonymous Coward]

That one did make me chuckle. It's amazing how such a simple sentence in a story can stand out so much and the moment you read it you laugh and pretty much say to yourself fuck me that's spot on. The last time I saw something like that was in Mort by the late great Terry Pratchett. I actually can't remember the quote but it had me laughing for ages. It was something about the universe and LSD I think.

[I Am Spartacus]

Mort and the unversal logic

“He was determined to discover the underlying logic behind the universe.

Which was going to be hard, because there wasn't one.”

― Terry Pratchett, Mort

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

That seems close but not quite. I'm going to have to read it again now. It might have been one of his other books to be honest it was quite a while back I read them. Thanks though. That is a cracking quote.

The rest of that quote is perfect for everything I.T. "The Creator had a lot of remarkably good ideas when he put the world together, but making it understandable hadn’t been one of them"

[WonkoTheSane]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Today (Sunday March 12th) is the perfect day to begin that re-read. It would've been Terry's birthday today.

[WonkoTheSane]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

CORRECTION:- Today is the anniversary of his "Leaving early to avoid the rush", in 2015.

+++ GNU Terry Pratchet +++

[nautica]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Sounds somewhat like Douglas Adams' thinking on the subject---

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

[Eclectic Man]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

“In the beginning the Universe was created. This had made many people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.”

But remember God's final message to the creation:

'I apologise for the inconvenience.'

[why you delete my account?]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

You remember it wrong, it's:

"WE apologise for the inconvenience."

So, er, you just mis-pluralised God, oops...

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Yes, and it happened in 1989, when the music stopped making sense.

[Kimo]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Stop Making Sense was released in 1984.

[Montreal Sean]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

No, 1984 was released in 1949.

[that one in the corner]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

19:49? Must be time for supper.

[tezboyes]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Supper's Ready ?

[Fr. Ted Crilly]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

Here's your ear-worm for the day...

'can't you see he's fooled you all

Yes, he's here again

Can't you see he's fooled you all?

Share his peace, sign the lease

He's a supersonic scientist

He's the guaranteed eternal sanctuary maaannn'

[Dave559]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

It's suppertime?

For tea, two…

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Mort and the unversal logic

> "Mort and the unversal logic"

Yep, I like my logic to be completely devoid of verse.

[stiine]

Bah!

Honeywell did. The error condition ( a hardware fault) generated a system console message that read: "ERROR: You can't get here." and then the system crashed.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Bah!

At an old job many moons ago, an intern developed a program for us that had one of those "impossible to reach" branches. His error message was something like "It's impossible to get here. This system is fucked!"

Of course, the first time our VP of engineering used the system, guess what error case he generated?

Said VP took pride in being able to trigger those million-to-one edge cases, and was known for having a salty vocabulary himself, so the fallout was minimal.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Bah!

Client on phone: "we've got an unusual dialog box, can you advise"

Us: "What does it say?"

Client: "It says err... 'Wobbly Wilson says this can never happen'"

[tezboyes]

Re: Bah!

Seems to me that the error was being handled...

[Joe W]

That was (I seem to recall) in one of the older BOFH, when the boss asked whether they thought he was a fool. Answer was never to test for conditions you don't want to handle.

[Anonymous Coward]

that BoFH was me, 30yrs ago

I can recall getting almost similar feedback.

Our solution was we went to lunch, smoked a few spliffs and laughed our heads off then went back to work.

[Version 1.0]

Re: that BoFH was me, 30yrs ago

Thank you, Me too, that's a happy memory, these days this story just reminds me of an old quote:

"The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you." - Brendan Behan

[Jason Bloomberg]

Re: that BoFH was me, 30yrs ago

The most important things to do in the world are to get something to eat, something to drink and somebody to love you." - Brendan Behan

Me, I had a happy flashback to - "A tight pussy, loose shoes, and a warm place to shit".

[Blackjack]

Re: that BoFH was me, 30yrs ago

I would replace love for shelter in case of bad weather, because love won't keep you dry.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: that BoFH was me, 30yrs ago

If yer love is dry, yer doin 'er wrong.

[b0llchit]

Clicked the error away...

I remember one instance of sensitive insensitivity when a green software dev came to complain about an error popping up onto his screen. He promptly made his way into mission control to tell about his grievance.

When he was finished complaining I asked what the error was that had popped up. The answer: "I don't know, I clicked it away.".

You can probably imagine that this answer was taken with utmost insensitivity and a reply was formulated in a very long string of curses and explanations of his incompetence. The whole of mission control went silent in the barrage of my reply words and the poor software dev did not know where to look any more.

Then, as everything went silent, a minute or so after he stood there bewildered in the silence, the dev decided to move along and lick his wounds. When the door closed we all fell to the ground in laughter. Best insensitivity presentation, ever.

[Chloe Cresswell]

Re: Clicked the error away...

My favourite training course question was decades ago in a.s.r when someone said they were having to go on a company mandated sexual harassment course. Then pointed out he worked for playboy.

Almost instant response was enquiring if it was a theory or practical course...

[Anonymous IV]

Re: Clicked the error away...

I remember a secondary-school teacher looking at an advert in the Times Education Supplement which asked:

"Could you put together a Youth Offending Team?"

His answer was, "Of course! Give me about ten minutes..."

[MGyrFalcon]

HR Training

At a former company, we were required to attend a course on sexual harassment. The goal of the training was to teach everyone how to avoid sexual harassment of course, however it actually how to harass people with out getting in trouble. One of the things in the course was if you ask someone/tell someone harassing twice, you would get reported to HR. At the end of the class I asked the presenter if , according to that rule, I could start at the top of the building and working down to the ground floor, ask everyone, once, if they would like to engage in various sexual acts. He had to admit that I could do that and wouldn't run afoul of HR. The presenter didn't seem happy with that interpretation of the HR rules, but more than one person seemed happy with that revelation.

I wonder if they ever changed that rule...

[Caver_Dave]

Re: HR Training

Once had one of those for the development team of around 50 engineers, minus the one female engineer (who had a dirtier mind than most of the men!)

The first question from the female instructor was meant to make us uneasy and may have been rhetorical. "What's it like living with a penis?"

After 10 seconds of everyone looking at the floor, I couldn't resist and answered "Well it's hard sometimes!"

The instructor left the room as we fell about. I didn't suffer any repercussions, but ALL of the HR team sat in on the rest of the course to keep an eye on us.

[Chris 239]

Re: HR Training

How has this only got 9 upvotes!? (10 now :-) )

[KittenHuffer]

Re: HR Training

That's cos he only gets it up ...... sometimes!

[Antron Argaiv]

It's all online nowadays

Slide show presentations with interleaved quizzes, all provided by companies that make that stuff.

So you kick it off, pop up another window, and get some work done, checking back occasionally to see if it's quiz time. Wrong answers are flagged and you get a chance to do them over, apparently unlimited times, so you need to be a real thickie not to get though them. And then it's over until next year.

I particularly like the ones on bribery and conflict of interest. I also find that my answers tend to be more conservative than the training is looking for.

Whatever.

[JR]

Re: It's all online nowadays

The BOFH & PFY would tweak the slideshow to make it more interesting...the wrong answers would become the correct ones. 8^D

[WonkoTheSane]

Re: It's all online nowadays

We get those for "Cyber security" training every single month, each taking ~20 minutes to explain things that are just common sense.

Only about 1 in 10 result in a quiz though.

[cookieMonster]

Re: It's all online nowadays

Where I used to work - a long time ago, we had these three or four times a year. Each time one person would site through the entire thing and do the test/exam at the end, redoing until they got 100 %. They would then email the correct answers to the team, next exam someone else’s turn. Worked great.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Superb episode

Now for some advanced insensitivity training!

(insensitivity to alcohol, that is)

[Charlie Clark]

"I'm not going to debate you…"

Sorry, what? The Boss is proposing the motion "BOFH"? Or rather he's proposing not to propose this?

Intransitive verbs (debate, protest, etc.) are intransitive for a reason. If you don't believe this then you must work for the marketing department.

Have I hurt your feelings? Sorry about that… now, cattle prod, please!

[doublelayer]

Re: "I'm not going to debate you…"

At least two dictionaries I've checked have debate as a transitive verb with examples indicating that the direct object may be the person against whom you are debating (or in this case refraining from debating). The direct object may also be the subject of the debate. Maybe you'd like to contact all the dictionaries and inform them that you're recategorizing it as intransitive only? You may have to present your XKCD diploma and debate the dictionary writers about whether your deletion privileges allow you to make that change.

[Boris the Cockroach]

Write down 100

times

I must not drink coffee and read BoFH articles

But I'm sure glad we dont have anything like that where I work, because they'd need to send me on the week course..

PS... anyone know where my boss can get a new wireless keyboard.. his one seems to have gone missing

[Vaughtex]

Veterans

Sounds familiar, try working in an armed forces veterans charity, where the only ones who can take a joke are the veterans themselves.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Veterans

In the NHS, you just need to be selective who you make them to.

The most toe-curling ones come from patients when their family/friends are not there

[elsergiovolador]

Famous

I worked with a few famous people.

They never mentioned that they are famous.

[Phil O'Sophical]

Re: Famous

That's because they are justifiably "famous", and not "celebrities".

[Ideasource]

Re: Famous

Only those who are not sure if they become famous ye,t feel compelled to promote the idea that they are famous.

Once you accept something as a norm, it's nothing to even notice or talk about personaly.

Promotion of ideas to others is an expression of insecurity regarding the normalcy of the idea to others.

[Hot Diggity]

Re: Famous

I worked with a colleague once who once stated, "I have worked with many famous people, most of whom are now dead."

Behind his back he was nicknamed Psycho Killer.

[tezboyes]

Re: Famous

I guess that makes sense!

[Potemkine!]

Re: Famous

Psycho Killer

Qu'est-ce que c'est ?

[Doctor Syntax]

The PFY could have complained about having his intelligence insulted by the reflective listening traing. But I suppose that's best saved for one of manglements' alleged motivational courses.

[Nik 2]

Small Rural AM station?

Has the BOFH gone stateside too now? He and the PFY will have to find a bar to frequent before, during and after their lunch breaks if they're moved away from their beloved pubs.

[Spasticus Autisticus]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Strangely yes, and without any issues during the move - you'd imagine the body count could be quite high.

While I like the '. . . what now?' eg 'Decoy family', reply 'Decoy what now?' (Rick & Morty), I dislike the 'wait, what?' that appears in R&M quite a bit, it might not be long before Simon or Steven use that phrase.

[Big_Boomer]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Simon Travagia (the BOFH author) lives in New Zealand, where they have Pints (400 to 500ml), Pubs, and Rural AM radio stations. The BOFH was around before El Reg(UK) and may well outlive The Register(US). Simon worked in the UK for one year back in 1992 but the BOFH was around well before that.

[Groo The Wanderer]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Yes, it started even before the internet was a thing, with Usenet posts. I remember reading those way back in University...

[Throatwarbler Mangrove]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Sooooooo . . . I have some news to break to you about Usenet and its relationship to the Internet . . .

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Yes, yes, but Usenet is to the modern internet what the Model T is to a modern car - only the modern car is a NASCAR Ford, plastered with advertising and only relatively faster than the Model T.

[joeldillon]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Didn't Usenet start out distributed over UUCP, which in fact precedes the ubiquity of the internet? Phoning up a remote computer over a modem link need not involve TCP/IP.

[Giles C]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Yep, Usenet is the missing link between bbs systems and the current internet - it is a lot closer to the bbs systems. Not bad for a system developed over 43 years ago…

[Dave559]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

“Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes”

In my case, my first usenet (and email and "ftp") feed at home, after uni, came via a certain BBS which got its daily feed thanks to a backup tape shuttling its way back and forth between the sysop's work somewhere in that London and the BBS operations centre (OK, the sysop's home) in Canvey Island… (Curious if there are other former members here?)

(And even despite the 24 hour latency, I probably still had a better 'internet' connection than 98 or 99% of the population of the UK at that time!)

I'm pretty sure that that sneakernet connection had corporate approval from all those that "needed to know", but I (sadly?) rather doubt that a sysop would be able to ask for such a favour/job perk nowadays!

[Marshalltown]

Usenet BOH

Yep. We considered the BOH a training manual. The World Wide Web was invented shortly after that discovery, but we considered useless for quite a while, sticking to tools like "archie", and of course usenet. What was the name of that tool for stitching digital images back together after down loading the various chunks from a news group?

[Nik 2]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Thank you, Big_Boomer. I'll consider myself better informed. HAGW

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

As far as I'm concerned, Simon is the ONLY reason The Register hasn't gone under. First, they hire some chick from California, then Dabbsy is run off, then the writing goes all American, and now the feed shows 50 stories, but it's the same 8-10 stories over and over for several days. Once the BOFH is forced out, I'll be leaving as well.

[John H Woods]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Still a better informed (and usually more amusing) commentardariat than any I've found anywhere else.

BTW: boo to "some chick from California" come on mate this is 2023

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

>BTW: boo to "some chick from California" come on mate this is 2023

2023 version: Some she/her preferred pronoun inhabitant of the unceeded territory of the whoever people ?

[John H Woods]

Re: "Some she/her preferred pronoun inhabitant of the unceeded territory of the whoever people ?"

I was objecting to what I (still) consider to be casual misogyny.

Interesting that your response has you overreaching for something ridiculous about gender politics rather than having the integrity to say that, actually, you think "some chick" is a perfectly acceptable term to refer to a female IT journalist on a public forum. I doubt you can justify it and I'm certain you wouldn't be prepared to put your real name to such an opinion.

[Ideasource]

Re: "Some she/her preferred pronoun inhabitant of the unceeded territory of the whoever people ?"

Give it a thousand years.

By then "some chick" might be held as the the highest honor ever.

All depends upon the association lottery.

I just consider them all equally valid sub dialects and concentrate on the intended message rather than the particular encoding style.

I've never seen any personal advantage from choosing perspectives that results in the feeling of being offended.

And from what I can see others to dislike when their choices of perspective result in that as well.

So better to depersonalize the imperfect transport mechanism that is language. To focus instead on the counciously intended idea payload the transmitter was trying to convey.

[John H Woods]

Re: "Give it a thousand years"

So you agree it's offensive at the moment?

The rest of your post is either peak Dunning-Kruger or ChatGPT nonsense.

[Ideasource]

Re: "Give it a thousand years"

There's not enough context to even address that.

I think that everything is offensive and equally inoffensive depending on who you're talking to at the moment and that's furthermore for every idea there is if you search hard enough you can find someone who will worship you for it someone who will hate you for it and everything else in between.

Therefore offense is irrelevant except to detract from anything worth paying attention to in life.

I leave battling of offense to the privacy of professional therapists.

For offense originates in the mind of its perceiver and is st strong indicator of poor mental discipline regarding emotional regulation that's creating difficulty in viewing the situation objectively.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

"now the feed shows 50 stories, but it's the same 8-10 stories over and over for several days."

That's why, thanks to another Reg poster, I use this page as my starting point on El Reg.

[KittenHuffer]

Re: Small Rural AM station?

Upped & link updated! Thanks!

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Not Quite A New Keyboard Situation

"Well, Needy Pete was there to share his feelings, and before I could get my EarPods in he said that he struggled with self love."

"Uh-oh. What did you say?"

"I asked him if he meant 'with' or 'during'."

I'm in a (Pointless for me) meeting & I laughed loudly at that, so glad I was muted.

[RandomUsername]

A long time ago in a company that went bust

HR: "$PERSON_1 was very upset by what you said to him"

Me: "Was that when I called him a pillock or when I called him a nobhead" (actually language used may have differed and highly likely to have been far more industrial)

I had put in my notice already...

[Ideasource]

I got told person_A was upset by something I said one time

So I said , I'm not licensed therapists, and I'm diagnosed autistic.

It is not reasonable or realistic for you to expect me to understand someone else's feelings when I can't even comprehend my own. It is even more inappropriate for you to expect me to take a misappropriated credit for someone else's personal strategy of emotion generation, fallout of childhood conditioning and choice of expression

Everyone's feelings are their own demons to manage asas

Even if I had the powers of mind control or the social engineering skills to suppress other people's feelings I would not. That is off limits. That exclusive realm belongs to them and their therapist if any.

HR didn't know what to say that . HR never bothered me again

[Antron Argaiv]

Well played!

[Eclectic Man]

demons

Ideasource: "demons to manage asas"

I read that as "demons to manage as a service".

[Ideasource]

Re: demons

I like that. Thanks for the feedback.

I made a typo but it still ended up in context.

I love those little happy accidents.

[Boris the Cockroach]

Reminds me of the time I pulled the chicken gag at a now closed down company

Every time a mangler there walked past, I made the noise of a chicken...... cluck cluck cluck.....

4 times in one day...... until he finally broke and demanded to know why I was making noises like a chicken

"Because I'm perfecting my chicken impression" I says

"Why do you want to be a chicken?" he asks.

"So I can have my head cut off and be promoted to manager"

That got me a written warning from someone with no sense of humour , then cancelled by HR on appeal on the basis it was "Fair comment"

[An_Old_Dog]

Props

... for the "Quake Wars: Enemy Territory" reference.

[Zebranky]

Re: Props

Hmm, I actually suspect it was reference to Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory.

This is because Wolf:ET had a massive following in Australia and New Zealand back in the day, and was recently re-released on Steam...

Source: Me wasting waaay too much time on that game then and now.

[BenDwire]

Sometimes I cannot believe how well I've trained him.

My work is done.

[werdsmith]

Bhajis?

Given the headline I’m a bit disappointed to find so little content about bhajis.

[Rol]

Re: Bhajis?

Damned railways. There's your reason for a lack of barges. Progress...Pah!

[Paul Herber]

Re: Bhajis?

Has nobody asked the onion bhajis for their opinion? I care deeply ... about onion bhajis.

I suspect I am borderline autistic and for me bhajis' feelings are more important than humans'.

Rather keen on bhindi bhaji as well actually.

[tezboyes]

Re: Bhajis?

Too much emphasis on onion (and other bhajis) as far as I'm concerned. When will other equally tasty morsels such as the pakora or samosa get their time in the spotlight. They're actually superior in many ways, much easier to snack on.

[phils]

Re: Bhajis?

And yet Bhindi Bhaji and the other Vindaloovians despise all humans.

[werdsmith]

Re: Bhajis?

You would despise anyone who covered you in yellow mint yogurt.

[ukgnome]

You can't say annnythin....henythin....stuff these days

[Blackjack]

So.. this is what self destructive behaviour is like?

Wouldn't have been easier to I dunno, plant incriminating evidence on the "sensitive" guy computer taking advantage that he just left?

Or just use his computer to open Ransomware, so they are in Emergency mode and so the Sensitivity Training classes have to be cancelled because they are losing money?

[Marshalltown]

Outstanding line

"Sometimes I cannot believe how well I've trained him."

[wpm1975]

Best in a long time

This is the Best BOFH I have read since the BOFH went to the trade show years ago.