back to article BOFH: Selling the boss on a crypto startup

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "So what's causing it?" the Boss asks, looking down at his screen. "No idea," I say. "Surely you have some idea?" "It's an intermittent problem. Intermittent problems are the hardest to diagnose." "Yes but you fixed it last time." "No, last time it was working when I arrived." "No, …

  1. Korev Silver badge
    Mushroom

    "You're not proposing to murder someone just to stop spell-check defaulting to US English are you?!?!" the Boss splutters.

    Seems a bit lenient...

    1. Peter2 Silver badge

      Doesn't everybody just remove that dictionary entirely as a self preservation measure on new installs?

      1. DJO Silver badge

        Oh yes but software likes to be helpful so next time you start up it downloads the dictionary for you.

        1. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

          Indeed, the spirit of Clippy still resides deep in the code.

          1. Red Ted
            Go

            Ah, so "Deus ex machina" is the ghost of Clippy? That does explain a lot.

            1. steelpillow Silver badge
              Joke

              "HI, it looks like you're selling off some dodgy crypto to your bosses. Can I help you with that?"

            2. trindflo Bronze badge

              I'd argue "Diabolus ex machina"

      2. Martin-73 Silver badge

        No because that will cause it to change all the printers to US Legal, a format so evil, even the US legal system doesn't use it anymore

        1. Stork Silver badge

          Is there a US illegal?

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Yes. ISO A4 :-)

        2. VicMortimer Silver badge
          Trollface

          I saw the first bit of it I'd seen in a few years the other day.

          Ford used it to send me a recall notice to let me know my car might roll away unexpectedly, and that they'll helpfully let me know at a later date when they have parts to be able to fix it.

    2. tezboyes

      If human sacrifice was a requirement of fixing that level of issue, well there wouldn't be anyone left alive for it to be an issue for ...

    3. Aussie Doc
      Devil

      Oo...

      ...To be honest, I like the boss's way of thinking.

  2. bpfh
    Trollface

    Just remember…

    When management get in on at the ground floor, there are 2… or maybe 3… floors below that. Especially when the operators run the lift control server. After all, the IT gods are unhappy, and random crashes and machinery failures do happen…

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Just remember…

      They sure do, especially that dodgy switch on the lift door that seems to detect when the assistant beancounter has come up with a bright idea for making more money that you just know the manglement will implement without thinking about it with the result theres a shed load more work and faffing about for the rest of us.

      And then you get the help call from one of the manglers saying the lift does'nt line up with the ground floor again and can you sort it.

      Few times up and down the shaft with it and it soon lines up and you learn to ignore next week's complaints about the funny smell thats come back again....

  3. Rameses Niblick the Third Kerplunk Kerplunk Whoops Where's My Thribble?

    maybe a PC in the colored coloured pencil office

    That was rather subtle, I have to say I enjoyed that, good show!

    1. Jad

      I see things like that as signs of a mistake ... would have been better to have "coloured" set with a wiggly blue line underneath (suggesting US English dictionary spell-check)

      1. bpfh
        Joke

        Gaaaah “US English”

        There is just English. And American.

        1. johnck
          Joke

          Re: Gaaaah “US English”

          I thought it was English and Simplified English

          1. tezboyes

            Re: Gaaaah “US English”

            Legacy English?

          2. Marshalltown
            Devil

            Re: Gaaaah “US English”

            ". . . Simplified English . . ."

            Not really. Just simplified English speakers. Consider the hell of being in third grade, living in California, having relatives who spell "coloured" "colored" and others that spell it vice versa. You learn to use the dictionary very young, and argue with the teacher about spelling work as "labor" or "labour," and with the dictionary you prove to the teacher that both are accepted spellings. But the teacher doesn't like smart ass little nine year olds, and you spend more time writing sentences on the chalk board than any one else in history.

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Gaaaah “US English”

              "and you spend more time writing sentences on the chalk board than any one else in history."

              Even more than Bart Simpson?

          3. TRT Silver badge

            Re: Gaaaah “US English”

            Full English for preference.

    2. Ol'Peculier
      Pint

      Seems a slight dig at the Reg's style guide now specifying US spelling.

      Whatever, it made me snigger.

      1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

        Does it? Or do the US authors use US English, and the UK ones use realUK English?

    3. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge
      Pint

      make your minds up... why use color instead of colour, or license instead of licence?

      Do you really need to be *that* different or subtle?

      Or do the Brits need to grow stiff upper lips and start using the bastardized versions instead?

      :)

      peace out, let's all go to ye olde pubbe and have a good time, no good will come from fighting amongst ourselves...

      1. Joe W Silver badge
        Pint

        Reminds me of the old joke: "What's serial?" - "Something the Brits have for breakfast."

        ---->

        Make mine a bitter...

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          "What's serial?" - "Something the Brits have for breakfast."

          So who invented Corn Flakes? Or Kaptain Krunch?

          1. TRT Silver badge

            I prefer the term "discovered"... there's a natural order of breakfast consumables.

      2. ADC
        Flame

        Pedant alert...

        Well someone has to...

        > ...or license instead of licence?

        These are different things, not spelling. Licence is the noun, license is the verb.

        Icon for the coming flame wars... --->

        1. GlenP Silver badge

          Re: Pedant alert...

          There's a restaurant in Llandudno that says "Licensed" on one side and "Licenced" on the other, obviously covering all bases.

          1. TeeCee Gold badge
            Flame

            Re: Pedant alert...

            I'm surprised it hasn't burned down, with neither version being in Welsh...

            1. Richard 12 Silver badge

              Re: Pedant alert...

              Nid wyf yn y swyddfa a hyn o bryd.

              1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

                Re: Pedant alert...

                LOL

        2. A.P. Veening Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Pedant alert...

          Don't forget the Yankee version licenzed.

          1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

            Re: Pedant alert...

            What, not licensized?

            1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: Pedant alert...

              That's the GW Bush version :-)

              1. TRT Silver badge

                Re: Pedant alert...

                We were once set the task of transforming various words into different parts of speech. The only one my class partner and I couldn't work out was "idolise" - I guess we must have been tired, because we actually did know the answer, but what we put down on the answer sheet was "idoliseify", which has a nice ring to it all the same.

        3. Stork Silver badge

          Re: Pedant alert...

          Is it strange if some of us non-native users of English are confused?

          I “try” to stick to British conventions (as I worked there for five years, and consistency), but it can be effing hard.

          BTW, I think my spellchecker gives the option of English (Jamaica). Could be interesting.

      3. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
        Big Brother

        > "Or do the Brits need to grow stiff upper lips and start using the bastardized versions instead?"

        *bastardised*

        1. dajames

          *bastardised*

          Er, no, really not. Not according to Fowler

          Wikipedia link to entry for Fowler's Modern English Usage.

          I know most of us in Rightpondia like to spell everything that ends with an "-ise" sound with an 's' because it saves thinking, but when the ending is an "-ize" suffix to verb a noun-form it is a borrowing from Greek, in which it would have been spelt with a Zeta. The usual transliteration of Zeta into the English alphabet is 'Z'.

          The OED records both spellings, but prefers '-ize'.

      4. ukgnome

        it depends if you like the 14c or the 15c and if you care for classical correction.

        1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

          Since the US didn't exist in either of those centuries, I think that perhaps the argument from that historical linguistic angle is rendered rather moot. Standardi[sz]ed spellings of things didn't really emerge until the arrival of mass literacy (in the 20th century in the UK, and still a work in progress in the US)

          1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

            Literacy is declining in the US. You don't need it in theocracies or corporate states or at state fairs.

      5. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        In English licence/license, etc. have distinct meanings when written: "c" is the noun, "s" the verb. Yes, I know you can't hear the difference but that's the explanation. More details are available from the classicists.

        US English contains some deliberate abberations. Some of them good, some of them stupid: defense but fence. If we're going to use "z" surely, it should be "vizualize"? British English reintroduced French spelling for some words (colour, autumn, etc.) after US independence. Although it's been clear for hundreds of years that English spelling is illogical and inconsistent, it doesn't stop people from using this as an argument for more arbitrary changes.

        My biggest beef with US English is that it seems more susceptible to the bullshit coined in the various marketing departments. This often leads to unnecessary verbosity – creating nouns from verbs where nouns already exist – or confusing terseness as in the current fad for dropping prepositions from intranstitive verbs (protest this, appeal something, etc.).

        But language moves on and both countries are fortunately admirably resistant to prescriptive dictums such as those trying to force data as a plural on us.

        1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

          But language moves on and both countries are fortunately admirably resistant to prescriptive dictums such as those trying to force data as a plural on us.

          The "data/datum" argument is a bit of a subtle one. "Datum" is unambiguously talking about a single piece of data, however "data" as a singular mass noun kind-of makes sense as well (as in saying "this data" to mean "this mass of data", as opposed to "these data" to signify countable data, and "this datum" as a single one of them.)

          I short, it's because data is both the plural of a countable noun (datum) and the plural and singular of a mass noun. So "fewer data" and "less data" are both valid, but one means having fewer of the countable data (e.g. one less datum), and "less data" means less of it (e.g. 50% of the data is less than 60% of it, but 5 data are fewer than 6 of them).

          Confused? The English language is just getting started...

          1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

            Oh, I know the reasoning behind it and can counter it with "spaghetti" and "date/dates", which have the same etymology. In English, the collective noun "data" makes more sense giving us the option to be more specific when necessary. To persist with it is to pursue more pseudo-scientific linguistic meddling. I think I want a t-shirt with that on it!

            1. Throatwarbler Mangrove Silver badge
              Paris Hilton

              "Spaghetti" and "date" have the same etymology? Man, you really do learn something new every day.

          2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

            Medium and media have the same problem as datum/data.

            Worse, I have a book on XML Schema by an author (or maybe his editor) who obviously thought they were clever enough to know "schema" followed the same pattern and was a plural noun. It isn't. Schemas seems to have become acceptable as a plural alongside the original schemata. But the frequent use of "schemas are" sets my teeth on edge. Oh well, I don't need to read about XML very much these days.

            1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Dammit. My fingers seem to want to refuse to type the book's annoying "schema are"! If that's what the downvote was for, you were quite correct.

          3. Beach pebble
            Pint

            There is a slight notion that "datum" was left in the English language by Vikings, like so much else, many years ago.

        2. dajames

          ...data as a plural...

          One thing you find where data are concerned ... there are usually a lot of them!

          1. TRT Silver badge

            Have to admit, I tend to correct the plurality agreement for data when I'm proof-reading. In my mind "The data present evidence of ..." and "The data were compared using MANOVA ..." just sounds better.

            1. Tom 38

              I had an argument with my (Bulgarian) wife yesterday about the past tense of the verb "swell". I said it can be "swelled" or "swollen" and the one that you use in any scenario is the one that makes it sound best. She insisted that no, it must always be "swollen", and was right miffed when I pointed out examples like "My heart swelled to see you" and "The river swelled to twice it's normal size", but also allowed "The river was swollen".

              It ended with "Eurgh, your language is so stupid. Who is supposed to remember all these bullshit differences"

              1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

                Yes, but one is the past participle of a verb (swelled), and the other is the adjective (swollen). Quite often the past participle and the adjectival form are the same (as in "my heart melted", and "my heart is melted"), but there are plenty of cases where it is not, for example all those irregular verbs, like "to go": "I went", "I'm gone".

                The English language, much like the English population, is a mash-up of different lineages from around Europe, with bits of Nordic, Celtic, Germanic, and Latinate languages (and a sprinkling of other further-away ones, if you like a tsunami of yoghurt in your yacht) all smashed together and somehow made to work. It's also why people who go on about racial purity and "native" British people are such utter morons, because such things don't exist.

              2. TRT Silver badge

                The one that gets me is "succumbed"... It just sounds wrong.

                "Succame" sounds right to me, and is apparently correct, but only in Canada, where this form is used occasionally.

                Which is odd because I'm not Canadian!

  4. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

    Happy Friday everyone.

    It's times like this when I almost wish I was still working and not retired, just so's I could enjoy the BOFH articles properly.

    I did say almost......

    1. Big_Boomer Silver badge

      You can go off some people. ;-)

      I assume the laser is for toasting the bread prior to the application of the Marmite <YUM>.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Gimp

        Hot toast, heavily buttered (& melting) & then the Marmite is spread.

        With a hot cuppa tea to follow.

        If you want to do something correctly, you have to do it yourself.......

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          Has anyone tried that Marmite with chili? It's not bad. I also happened across a jar of Marmite XO. Both rather nice.

          I've also not long finished a jar of crunchy peanut butter with Marmite. Very moorish.

          1. Anonymous IV
            Alert

            > I've also not long finished a jar of crunchy peanut butter with Marmite. Very moorish.

            That's "Moorish" as in Othello, the Moor of Venice?

            I suppose 'crunchy peanut butter with Marmite' beats 'a surfeit of lampreys' as a medieval cause of death...

          2. Korev Silver badge
            Stop

            I was going to upvote and then saw you enjoyed the peanut butter one...

  5. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Happy times are here again. Yay.

    Looking forward to the Boss and Director's frolicsome fun with the crypto upstart...

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      We'll find out how non-fungible they are...

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Bosses have always ben fungible. BOFH & PFY, not.

  6. cosmodrome

    Hell's frozen over

    BOFH appearing in my RSS feed! How long did id take? Ten years? Twenty?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "And sometimes it's just the alignment of the stars"

    I have said to users that IT kit have star signs, and so are affected by the stars. No other explanation of how a laptop connected with a USB-C cable to a monitor can work for weeks and then just stop, unless it's incompatible star signs.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Or the manufacturer has just triggered the warranty expiry bit, resulting in a dead device just outside the warranty period.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        FAIL

        Or the things been plugged/unplugged so many times its basically fucked & now it's time if you're very lucky to start doing the same to the second USB-C port if you are lucky enough to have one on board..

      2. Andy A

        It's much more likely that you will shortly receive an email pointing out that should you wish to continue to use the USB-C ports, all you need to do is pay $7.99 a month.

        Motor manufacturers are all jumping on the subscription bandwagon. Being online with a current sub seems to be de rigeur for any hardware advertised on telly to work these days.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Heated keyboard / wrist rest.

    2. Chris Roberts

      Mainly it is an issue with the crisis diode, they used to be manufactured to a pretty tight tolerance when mainly fitted to copiers and then network printers, unfortunately now they are included as standard in most IT equipment. Much effort went into producing these as a low price commodity product and the accuracy of the discrimination circuits is now quite poor. This means they can trigger under 'in a rush' or 'I'll just do this before lunch' conditions rather than the true crisis level they were designed to detect originally.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Ah. The criticality detector, yes. Detects the criticality of the work being undertaken and has an inverse relationship to the reliability of the device.

    3. hplasm
      Happy

      I have said to users that IT kit have star signs

      e.g. Cisco, Meccano - any others, people?

  8. Blackjack Silver badge

    This... was too easy.

    Did this happen like a decade ago? Before crypto scams happened several times a day?

    Also is the BOFH going soft? Whatever happened with getting rid of anyone who tried to get his job?

    You had the perfect setup to kill a guy who helped video cards become really expensive and everything.

    1. doublelayer Silver badge

      "You had the perfect setup to kill a guy who helped video cards become really expensive and everything."

      I have this feeling that both crypto startups are going to be that kind that doesn't need a bunch of GPUs for mining. Instead of proof of work or stake, they're probably working on proof of cash. No need to kill a guy for scamming someone they weren't in a position to scam.

      Also, Derek isn't trying to get their jobs. He made it clear that he's just hiding out and having fun until he goes back to his normal position, and he gave them a tested method of cashing in on stupidity. It sounds like he's an ally. If he comes back and tries to gain more power, I wouldn't expect that to stay the same.

      1. veti Silver badge

        If someone like Derek was acting like an ally, I for one would be looking very carefully under my car before starting it for the next several weeks.

        1. doublelayer Silver badge

          I don't think they need to worry. As long as they stay in different zones, they can work together when needed. The BOFH and PFY aren't large enough to take over Derek's zone and keep their own, and if Derek tried to take over theirs (assuming he even could which is doubtful), he'd find a lot of pitfalls they've already placed in the way. I think they both understand that there's nothing to be gained by attacking one another, and as long as Derek doesn't annoy them, he's probably safer and more useful as an ally. They've had people with similar attitudes before who they've worked with. Until they try unseating the BOFH, they generally survive the experience.

      2. that one in the corner Silver badge

        Proof of Cash

        Oh, I like that.

        You get the mugs^^^^investors putting in more money for each cryptocoin up front: no need to wait for any actual trading in some silly public market, you can see the price of coins rocketing immediately! Here, would you like to buy another? Oops, just gone up again!

        1. Stumo

          Re: Proof of Cash

          I think that's the story of OneCoin... The podcast "the missing crypto queen" is worth a listen on this. But I feel so bad for so many people scammed out of their life savings, many of them in poorer countries.

          1. TeeCee Gold badge
            Meh

            Re: Proof of Cash

            I don't.

            I am forced to suspect that anyone mind-numbingly stupid enough to fall for a scam that obvious didn't acquire their "life savings" via diligent, hard work and wise investment choices.

  9. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    I know it’s Friday, but it’s as good a day as any for Futures and Derivatives Trading 0days

    "It doesn't matter – we're just looking for something that shouldn't be happening – something unusual enough to have disturbed the fabric of time, space and IT."

    You mean something non-trivial like something/an agency/a body/a novel force/a royal and ancient source discovering how everything is easily made to virtually work without any competition or opposition having even the faintest of clues about who and/or what now is able to pull such strings and yank such almighty chains as can in a fast flash crash also turn everything practically to shit/madness and mayhem/conflict and chaos with CHAOS [Clouds Hosting advanced Operating Systems] ..... with the free sharing of a simple complex of multiple myriad word strings with sublime instructions supporting and reinforcing subsequent absolutely fabulous revelations that create, command and control and destroy worlds/neo geo-political disorders/corrupt and perverse and ignorant societies with ill-informed and badly pharmed populations/colonised outposts/virgin territories ‽ .

    You might like to rethink and revise any sort of suggestion that would put forward the notion that it doesn't matter, although whenever so much can be so easily done with one having no chance to make one's own views on the future direction of existential travel heard and considered and incorporated into Grand Master Pilot AIdDevelopment Plans, I do suppose it is not wrong when nothing can be done to change things.

  10. fargoneicehole

    and Derek!?

    well he just went contract to perm

    1. Mark 85

      Re: and Derek!?

      I would suspect that there is a window or even a hole in the woods with his name on it.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: and Derek!?

        The BOFH obviously rates him as a dangerous opponent. It's going to need something very crafty to deal with him. Windows, lifts and stairwells aren't going to suffice; attempts to use them could even backfire.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: and Derek!?

        Given enough altitude it could even be a hole in the ground, but I think that will need a visit to HQ which has a much higher building - the challenge is to hit terminal velocity before hitting something terminal..

    2. DS999 Silver badge

      Re: and Derek!?

      well he just went contract to perm

      Nope, sounds like he's way too clever for the BOFH to keep around. The way he immediately thought to rope the BOFH and PFY into his crypto scam will have them setting him up as the fall guy once they're able to take the money the scam earns. He'll have to go back to the water company, so you better drink bottled instead of from the cooler for the next few months.

  11. Kobus Botes

    It's twelve years...

    of my working life described in the first half (up to where the Hell desk makes its appearance)!

    I probably fixed half the issues that people had with their IT equipment just by turning up to see what the problem is. My standard answer was "I am glad it was a simple fix, as I am rather busy" or something in similar vein.

    And yes, a substantial percentage of problems were self-inflicted (like a person kicking the power plug switch under the desk, or against the wall, causing a temporary loss of power (many of which I only solved by spending some time with the user, observing what they did in order to see if it was a real intermittent problem or something else)).

    Other weird behaviours were caused by files depressing one of the Esc, Ctrl or Enter keys, where people had lots of files and books strewn all over their desks.

    I also had a number of people who did disturb the fabric of space and time (no chesterfield sofas appeared, though, thankfully).

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: It's twelve years...

      Yes. The manilla folder that the person lifts off the desk in order to let you sit down and drive the computer, which then works perfectly, when you're not holding down ctrl-alt. My cat's paws are perfectly proportioned to hold down control keys even though it just looks like he's just chilling sitting between me and the keyboard. It took me quite. awhile to work out why my browser kept going peculiar - who knew you could "alt-click" hyperlinks instead of just clicking or right-clicking on them?

  12. tezboyes

    I'm shocked that Simon has let the cat out of the bag about how little effort it usually takes to "fix" the regular "insurmountable" problems that lusers encounter on a daily basis.

    It's the Scotty Principle all over again!

    1. Wapiya
      Terminator

      And now it is time to start the witness protection program.

      There will be no survivors and the BOFH will be protected.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Witless protection.

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