back to article Get real: Say what you like about your app but don't be surprised if I trollsplain

Look deep into my soil. Hold it, feel it, smell my soil. Like you, the sub-editors au Centre Vautour have assumed a spelling error – or at least a smelling error – and are about to correct it. Me too: it's the first thing that popped into my head when reading about a subscription box service called "Mind, Body & Soil". I was …

  1. b0llchit Silver badge
    Pint

    Better than Frank

    Not only can I bring Frank back, I also can grow him from the soil you want me to look into.

    All secrets and procedures are free to read. Only a small online contribution required. More secrets and procedures are available at reduced rates, including preventing The Walking Dead from invading your property. Call now!

    All funds will partially be used to contribute to friday-beer, of course.

  2. TheProf

    Woody

    "I especially like your early, funny ones."

    1. Chris G

      Re: Woody

      Woody Allen films, better than having a migraine but not by much!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Coat

        Re: Woody

        Make no mistake, Woody used to be funny but he got serious, and annoying, and often worse than a migraine. Ignore anything after Annie Hall. Louise Lasser was a brilliant match. For a laugh out loud Woody film try Bananas.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Happy

          Re: Woody

          Upvote for 'Bananas'.

          'Life and Death' was up there, too.

          1. Mooseman Silver badge

            Re: Woody

            "you're the greatest lover I have ever had"

            "well, I practice a lot when I'm alone"

            Love and Death is a very silly film.

    2. Daedalus

      Re: Woody

      "I cheated on my philosophy exam. I looked into the soil of the student next to me"

  3. Anonymous Custard
    Headmaster

    R-PUR

    Not sure about the reminder for Sleeper (nice though it was to watch the clip - will have to dig out the movie sometime soon and re-watch).

    To me, it looks like a Face Hugger from Alien, or perhaps the Starro spore parts of the recent Suicide Squad film.

    1. Dr_N

      Re: R-PUR

      The black version definitely has a "Bane" look to it.

    2. Grikath
      Devil

      Re: R-PUR

      The facehugger thing has been done, in several incarnations. Friend of mine makes them in leather, together with the proper Pestilence Doctor masks. But there are plenty cheap options if you want to go for those looks.

      Suffice to say that friend has a serious backlog when it comes to producing the things, even though they aren't cheap.

  4. Dr_N
    Gimp

    Mr Dabb's new (real life) superhero persona...

    KnightSoil ™®

    1. Daedalus

      Re: Mr Dabb's new (real life) superhero persona...

      I'm not too sure about how we're supposed to deal with "The Soil of a New Machine" (apologies to Tracy Kidder)

  5. Tromos

    "They docked at the ISS this week."

    I get it. The first zero-G porn movie.

    1. Tom 38

      Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

      The Uranus Experiment: Part 2

      1. Dr_N

        Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

        "The White Stuff" ?

        "In to Stella" ?

        1. Anonymous Custard
          Joke

          Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

          "Debbie does Houston" ?

          "Star Whores" ?

          "Deep Space Throat" ?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

            I was gonna say "gives Deep Space Nine a whole new meaning"...

        2. ravenviz Silver badge

          Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

          Saturn 3-some.

          1. EVP

            Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

            Plan 69 from Outer Space.

    2. ravenviz Silver badge

      Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

      The Thingy.

    3. Strahd Ivarius Silver badge

      Re: "They docked at the ISS this week."

      There was a film in the '90 where sex scenes were filmed in micro-gravity...

  6. Dan 55 Silver badge
    Alert

    Is he really the right person to promote this?

    This week it was MY AAA, a paid-for social media app that ruthlessly rides the same mental-health bandwagon, hiring professional boxer Tyson Fury to promote the launch.

    If I found myself in a boxing ring with Tyson Fury I'd be pretty fucking anxious.

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Is he really the right person to promote this?

      Dan 55....Though probably not for very long.....

    2. Mooseman Silver badge

      Re: Is he really the right person to promote this?

      "If I found myself in a boxing ring with Tyson Fury I'd be pretty fucking anxious."

      Briefly.

  7. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Hmmm

    It would make a new series of Midsommer Murders quite interesting too.

    1. Sixtiesplastictrektableware

      Re: Hmmm

      Forget everything else, right-pondlians-- reality needs Quatermass.

      (When're youse guyses gonna come out with some morses of that stuffs? Shirley I cannot be the only North American market for it?)

  8. MiguelC Silver badge
    Trollface

    "Should I now criticise The Martian because it was deceptively filmed on a fake planet?"

    Didn't know some people claimed Earth was a fake planet...

    1. b0llchit Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: "Should I now criticise The Martian because it was deceptively filmed on a fake planet?"

      The Mars First crowd has been making inroads. I saw it on the Red News Channel.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "Should I now criticise The Martian because it was deceptively filmed on a fake planet?"

      Earth is real - it's the shape that's fake!

  9. Dabooka

    Ah yes, just in time for the Christmas ads

    All those claims of the 'perfect gift this Christmas' whilst displaying a bloody electric toothbrush or somesuch.

    1. Pirate Dave Silver badge
      Pirate

      Re: Ah yes, just in time for the Christmas ads

      There's an up-channel "outdoorsy" clothing catalog here in the US where every-fucking-thing in the catalog begins with "The".

      The red flannel shirt.

      The brown hiking boots.

      The bluejeans.

      It's as if they think God (or the FSM) ordained all of their stuff as "The" greatest of whatever it is. Pretentious beyond belief.

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Ah yes, just in time for the Christmas ads

        Maybe they have a stock control problem and it really is the red flannel shirt etc.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    perversion

    "Every time a press release crosses my desk that suggests an app or hardware product will guarantee some measure of achievement or satisfaction, I can't help hitting the Reply button and asking for the official terms and conditions of the guarantee."

    You're on the path to go full perversion, here :)

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    BOGOF

    My wife thinks I'm being pernickety when I spot, what I read as, ridiculous slogans, etc. I passed a shoe shop that proudly claimed "Buy one, get one free!" If they'd included the word "pair" I wouldn't have bothered, but were they offering a special deal to Long John Silver, et. al?

    The current Oral B advert where it claims their new toothbrush has changed everything! NO IT HASN'T - IT'S JUST A TOOTHBRUSH!!!

    Sorry, must calm down...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: BOGOF

      Still better than "BOGO". Buy one, get one? No shit, if I buy one and you give me less than one, that's called robbery, not sales.

      1. WanderingHaggis
        Coat

        Re: BOGOF

        Buy one at twice the price and get one free. emmm

        1. captain veg Silver badge

          Re: BOGOF

          Minimum order two.

          -A.

        2. Allan George Dyer
          Pint

          Re: BOGOF

          Does anyone remember the beer ads where they offered Two half-pints for the price of One pint?

    2. ravenviz Silver badge

      Re: BOGOF

      It did change everything, but you're not in that timeline!

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: BOGOF

      For some unknown reason, some Brazilian businesses advertise as being "a new concept in"..., e.g. "a new concept in gasoline stands", "a new concept in hairdressing", etc. What's exactly "new" about the new concept is never explained.

      Once I was looking for a new apartment and my wife asked me to actually avoid one a place advertised as "a new concept in real state agency". She knew that I would ask a lot of embarrassing questions about what was exactly the new concept.

      I often think that this kind of business got their marketing people at the discount bin at a local unemployment office.. maybe one with "a new concept" in its slogan too.

  12. Daedalus

    I'm no troll but...

    I have no trouble with outrageous claims and marketing non-sequiturs.

    It's people who believe them, heart and soil, that I object to.

  13. Greybearded old scrote Silver badge

    Accidental truth

    My fave marketroid bollocks is 'quantum leap.' Which of course means the smallest possible change of state.

    1. Daedalus

      Re: Accidental truth

      My particular instance of the new Newspeak involves the use of "exponentially" to mean "vastly hugely mind-bogglingly" bigger. Compound interest at 0.1% per annum is exponential growth, however slow.

      1. captain veg Silver badge

        Re: Accidental truth

        Not marketing or Newspeak, just ignorance: conflating "enormity" with "enormousness".

        -A.

    2. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

      Re: Accidental truth

      A certain recently departed inventor would probably disagree...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as6hSAqJ_g4

  14. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

    Seen any Red Bull drinkers with wings?

    Red Bull maintains that its marketing and labeling[sic] have always been truthful and accurate.

    I think you are more likely to find human/alligator hybrids created by COVID vaccinations.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Seen any Red Bull drinkers with wings?

      Or tried to book a room for the night at Hotel Chocolat.

      1. Dr_N

        Re: Seen any Red Bull drinkers with wings?

        Not as bad as in the pre-internet era, when a mate was very non-plussed to not get a room at the Hotel de Ville. (When arriving late one night in a town in the middle of nowhere.)

        1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

          Re: Seen any Red Bull drinkers with wings?

          At least he didn't try the Hotel de Police, their rooms are a bit small.

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge

        Re: Seen any Red Bull drinkers with wings?

        OOH please!

  15. Emir Al Weeq

    Ultimate marketing

    The misused word that always gets me is "ultimate". I once considered buying the Ultimate Rock Album purely so that I could ask for my money back if they released another one.

    But what really baffles me is why someone would market food as the ultimate. Surely the only way someone can be sure that they really are selling you your Ultimate Burger is if its full of botulism*.

    * I suppose in the pedantic spirit I should say Clostridium botulinum, but you know what I mean.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Ultimate marketing

      Customer: I don't think much of this. Why do you call it the ultimate meal?

      Waiter: You're eating the last customer to order an ultimate meal, sir.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Ultimate marketing

        There was I think an episode of "Tales of the Unexpected" where a couple stop at a restaurant en-route somewhere in France (though I may be wrong on that) - at the end of the meal, they comment on the excellent meal they just had and ask to speak to the chef... the episode closes with the intimation that they will be on the menu next...

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Ultimate marketing

      Funnily enough, I did get that album (from the CD club I was in at the time, but see third paragraph).

      It was OK, but hardly 'ultimate'. It was basically the equivalent of a CD mix tape with some stuff on it you wouldn't have picked yourself in a million years.

      Of course, since then, there have been multiple 'Ultimate' rock albums that are essentially the same mix tape plus some bands from x years later. It's the 'rock' equivalent of the 'NOW' series of CDs.

    3. captain veg Silver badge

      Re: Ultimate marketing

      See also Final Fantasies II to XVI (and counting).

      -A.

  16. Stuart Halliday
    Childcatcher

    Being Autistic, I tend to be very literal and easily spot these sentences of delusion and can sympathise with you.

    They really put me off products when I spot them. Seems to me that PR is getting worse or my condition is getting more extraordinary as I age.

  17. This post has been deleted by its author

  18. W.S.Gosset
    Gimp

    Snappy Marketing Name for the Mask

    > Effective it may be. Creepily trackable, certainly. But attractive? You're joking, right? They look like this:

    To get away from the the picture's obvious intimations of Alien hatchlings, can I suggest for the facemasks a more intimate name, suggested by its grasp and hump?

    FACE R-PUR

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