back to article BOFH: But soft! What light through yonder filing cabinet breaks?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "Everything's just so expensive!" the Boss says. "Yeah, well, that's the way it goes – nothing's getting cheaper." "But we're always being told computers are getting cheaper." "Yes, they're getting relatively cheaper, but if you want to keep up with current technology you need new …

  1. BOFH in Training

    Too bad am working from home and I can't steal power from neighbours in my apartment building :(

    And it also gives us another reason for why good GPUs have been hard to find .....

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Are there no sockets in the hall for cleaners etc in your building? Its amazing how easy it is to pull of skirting boards at night and run feeds from those sockets somewhere else if you dont mine being up all night and work quietly...

  2. chivo243 Silver badge
    Windows

    mental note!

    My brain is littered with them! Like stickies plastered on the inside of my cranium...

  3. Si 1

    Hilarious!

    I especially loved passing off the Proliant 6500 as a bit of recent equipment!

    1. phuzz Silver badge

      Re: Hilarious!

      Great, now I feel old :(

      1. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: Hilarious!

        Great, now I feel old :(

        It's all perspective, I started in IT in about 2000, it was a small network, and some souped up desktops served as well, servers... One data disaster a year of so later, and in came new shiny Dell PE series, then the Proliant Gen8s... I guess I missed something?

        1. DiViDeD

          Re: Hilarious!

          MISSED something??!!

          You missed a world of VAX induced pain, digital when it was a company, SPARC Stations, 3270s, monitors that would only work with one specific IBM model, and the joy of 'plug & pray' network solutions and Wyse installation scripts that didn't, 28.8k modems that screamed in your ear, Oracle folder nesting that went deeper than Windoze could even see, let alone map ...

          Young whippersnapper!

          mumble, snarl, lawn, etc

          1. SotarrTheWizard

            Re: Hilarious!

            Don't laugh. . . . One gig, we were dealing with late-90s Sparc Ultra 5s. . .running our firewalls. . . in 2005. Between the SparcStations, the Ultras, and the newer rackmounts, for a time, we were running everything from Solaris 5.6 (as I recall) to Solaris 9. . . .

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Windows

          Re: Hilarious!

          You missed things like Twinax and people wiring buildings with that smart new ethernet four pair stuff in strange ways: To save money and double your socket density, you use two pairs per link - yay!

          CAT5 only needs 1,2,3 and 6 connected to "work".

          1. phuzz Silver badge

            Re: Hilarious!

            "CAT5 only needs 1,2,3 and 6 connected to "work"."

            At 10 or 100MB speeds, GB and upwards requires all the wires.

        3. Trygve Henriksen

          Re: Hilarious!

          you missed out on the Prosignia servers, and the SystemPro servers before them...

          We had a Prosignia tower with a full load of 16 HDDs in it. It could have doubled as a mooring point for a large ship if you welded a chain to it and dumped it in the ocean..

          1. DiViDeD

            Re: Hilarious!

            Aaaargh!! You reminded me of Prosignia! That's several hundred dollars of extensive therapy wasted!

    2. Captain Scarlet
      Unhappy

      Re: Hilarious!

      Yup "cross threaded the mounting bolts and can't get it out"

      Also had some cheap screws rounded out because a former colleague decided to screw the cage screws in to tight.

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Hilarious!

        I was almost in need of a new keyboard at that one....

        "mental note to give our supplier a lesson on the dangers of high voltage" - Was a very close second.

      2. J. Cook Silver badge

        Re: Hilarious!

        Also had some cheap screws rounded out because a former colleague decided to screw the cage screws in to tight.

        ... or worse, decided to make the #12-24 threaded screws fit the M6 cage nuts. (or vice versa).

        I had a fun time tossing all the non-M6 cage nuts and screws into the metal recycling bin after that debacle...

        1. Nick Ryan Silver badge

          Re: Hilarious!

          Yeah... in the last refit of kit that I did last year I found a load of mixed in non-standard (i.e. non suitable for standard rack) nuts. After a while I started to throw them into the (recycling bin) with a little more vengeance than strictly necessary... Grrrr

        2. imanidiot Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Hilarious!

          The great thing about standards is that there's so many of them to choose from!

  4. Chris G

    The Boss is an asset

    Right up to the moment when he has a gullibility dysfunction.

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Superb episode!

    "In my peripheral vision I can see the PFY reaching for the workplace accident report form, but I shake my head slightly and take the Boss into the server room."

    Priceless. I must say I was mentally reaching the same conclusion as the PFY

    1. Sgt_Oddball

      Re: Superb episode!

      The server room was the acid test - would he twig or would he let it slide?

  6. Sgt_Oddball

    Pretty sure...

    By this point the cleaners must be in on it.

    I mean otherwise Simon would be cleaning up all of the extra plasterboard that's rubbed off as it's been dragged across floors, the detritus from drilling holes plus the muck from the ceiling tiles being lifted to plug cables/route vents etc.

    Either that or they still haven't managed to shut down that cleaning robot *ponders thoughtfully*.

    1. Pascal Monett Silver badge
      Devil

      Now, now.

      The BOFH is an expert . I'm sure he won't leave any detritus from his physical operations.

      He never does.

      1. Korev Silver badge
        Pirate

        > The BOFH is an expert . I'm sure he won't leave any detritus from his physical operations.

        That's what quicklime is for...

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          That's to dispose of the biological detritus.

    2. Dr. G. Freeman

      Re: Pretty sure...

      I think the cleaner, George, owns the building ? (from reading old BoFHs)

      So, probably on a percentage of their schemes for his retirement fund.

      1. Lord Elpuss Silver badge

        Re: Pretty sure...

        George must be over 100 by now. Although in his HR file he's still 63 (and will be for the next 30 years); along with various other 'unsackability' flags set...

  7. My-Handle

    Well, the ghost facility shindig worked for them once. Why not again? I'm just surprised they're not stealing power from another building.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Why would they need to go to such lengths when all they need to do is not have it on their budget. Beggar thy neighbour is a well-established deparmental strategy.

  8. Ozan

    I was always tempted to mind at work at night.

  9. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Too close to the truth

    No, not the mining. But I know perfectly well that my bosses over the years wouldn't have known the difference between a new server and a good microwave oven.

    1. My-Handle

      Re: Too close to the truth

      My immediate manager, ostensibly in charge of the development of a stable of ecom websites, has about as much technical acumen as a wooden spoon. Even the simplest technical term thrown into a sentence has her saying things like "yes, that localhost thing will be perfect".

      Generally speaking, I usually play too much of a straight bat to deliberately screw with her, but the impulse to break out the excuse calendar has been growing for quite a while.

  10. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Quote

    "I can see the PFY reaching for the workplace accident report form, but I shake my head slightly ..."

    That line would have destroyed yet another keyboard.... had work experience guy(who to say the least, is one of the nicest people I've ever had to teach/corrupt ) managed to throw a plastic sheet over said keyboard thus preventing my lunch time pre pub coffee from coming into contact with it.

    Maybe a full afternoon session in the pub will have some effect on him.... but must teach him to art of turning off the phone first. cant have the boss calling up and disturbing the lessons...

  11. DJV Silver badge

    Two BOFHs in a week!!!

    <frenchaccent>Ah, Simon you are really spoiling us.</frenchaccent>

    1. BenDwire Silver badge
      Holmes

      Re: Two BOFHs in a week!!!

      French? More like "European accent of indeterminate origin"

      1. DJV Silver badge

        Re: Two BOFHs in a week!!!

        Yeah, I went and hunted down the advert before writing the above post - I wasn't sure, either, but <European accent of indeterminate origin> was a bit long for a tag!

  12. Hazmoid

    Someone at Vulture central must have lit a fire under Simon

    Either that or Simon is getting bored working at home (if you can call playing with the cat and watching Netflix working)

  13. Blackjack Silver badge

    I lost all my respect for the BOFH, getting into mining now? What he was doing a decade ago? Running a Counter Strike server?

    Also as mining doesn't even pay the power costs, he could get way more money getting into the Video Card black market. Just replace all the office video cards for cheaper ones, hack the bios so no one notices and blame the performance drop on the latest Window update.

    Or if the Video Card prices go down for some reason, just put a request for budget update with the excuse that Windows 11 won't run on their computers.

    1. John Robson Silver badge

      "Also as mining doesn't even pay the power costs"

      Well it does if you aren't paying for the power, or the servers.

      1. Wellyboot Silver badge

        Plod found one a few weeks ago stealing leccy...

        https://west-midlands.police.uk/news/bitcoin-mine-uncovered-during-industrial-unit-raid

        1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

          Next iteration - get the heat to be diffused away unevenly so as not to give up the game.

          1. doublelayer Silver badge

            A better method, at least as temperatures decrease, is to use the heating for building heat and make the building services budget pay for the power. Because that would entail reducing the power usage on the other departments, they'll have to add some more capacity so finance doesn't see an anomaly in their own bill. Using desktops to mine is even less efficient, but if that's what needs to be done to keep the budget in reasonable bounds, who are we to complain? Also it's probably not safe to complain.

            1. DiViDeD

              Just a passing thought

              I'm always impressed (and more than a little scared) at the careful thought, planning and sheer ingenuity a group of sober and respectable IT professionals are able to put into a (purely hypothetical!) discussion on how best to shaft the company.

              I'm reminded of my time in merchant banking where we came to the conclusion that, given the obvious security holes in our systems, we could easily steal $50 million. An older, wiser head chimed in and advised us that the bank would hunt us down like duck, and proceeded to outline his plan to steal $5 BILLION and then offer it back to the bank (less 'reasonable expenses' of $50 million) in exchange for immunity.

              He'd even worked out the best countries to retire to.

              1. John Robson Silver badge

                Re: Just a passing thought

                Just don't reward coders by bugs fixed and testers by bugs found... There will be many minor bugs released to testing and then rapidly fixed.

        2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Long ago our lab acquired a greenhouse to maintain cannabis plants which were due to become court exhibits. My office mate at the time said that it was the only greenhouse in Belfast where cannabis plants were hiding the tomato plants rather than the other way around. I suppose that could all be updated nowadays aboyt the bitcoin mine being used to hide the cannabis farm or vice versa.

  14. Aussie Doc
    Pint

    Why, of course...

    "...multidimensional array positioning and cross-polar Mandelbrot-Fourier interpolation."

    Thought it was a well known fact that this is absolutely why we need to update our work machines regularly.

    That and the fact that the 'cloud' is getting much further away from us because, erm, climate change or something.

    Have one on the house.

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: Why, of course...

      Our Fouriers are transforming too slowly, we need more powerful computers.

      1. Snafu1

        Re: Why, of course...

        Dilbert: How are the disgusting abominations today?

        Wally: Much faster, thanks!

  15. Rol

    Home to roost

    "You may not be aware, but we have been stealthily monitoring you, and we would like to procure your services"...he loomed over me with one of those fox like smiles, that reciprocated an equally deceit laden smile back.

    "You see, we have some very sensitive work that requires a very steady hand at the helm. One that can balance moral outcomes with goal achievement. Be impervious to the pleas of inconsequential characters, while seemingly supporting their cause"

    I was a little taken aback. I thought my sweep for the boss's, bugs and surveillance devices had been steadfastly comprehensive, but this GCHQ goon was saying not. Must try harder in future. For now, I'll just play along and see if I can dig a little deeper.

    "Well. This is a very complicated and devious world we live in, and I for one like to tread lightly and carefully through it, so you will not be surprised if I ask you to prove your credentials" he immediately reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out his wallet. Flicking it open revealed an impressive looking photocard, suitably embossed with MI5 insignia. "Err. No. I mean something a bit more convincing and less forgeable"

    He again reached into his jacket and pulled out a hand gun. "Whoa! I'll be more specific shall I, before it gets so far that you whip out your government issue M&S underpants. I want you to point out the devices you have been bugging me with, because that, more than anything else in the world, is really bugging me. Literally, bugging me. And if you can do that, then I'll be satisfied that you are who you say you are, and we can then move this conversation forward.

    He glanced around the room, eyes darting across my desk and along the cupboards. I got the impression that he hadn't a clue, and I had caught him out. I wasn't being bugged at all, and this was just a shakedown. Probably based on hearsay and the many corpses bound up with LAN cable that find their way to the local dump. All of which I had carefully sanitised with screen cleaner, or never touched at all, in my attempts to de-DNA my victims.

    "Ah! Here we go". He pointed to an innocuous coffee jar and then proceeded to unscrew the top, to reveal a coffee jar lid?

    "Err, that's a coffee jar lid"

    "Well yes, the whole point of covert surveillance is that you haven't the first idea it is happening". He took out a penknife and gouged at one of the edges. Looked intensely at the bit of plastic it had revealed, then gouged some more.

    "Here, look at this" The goon took out his mobile and activated what I guess was a microscope app, and focussed it on the lid. "You see that. It's a very, very small microphone, with a tiny power cell, and transmitter" Myself, having something of a history with such things, but never at this scale immediately identified the components and I went pale. The blood had drained to my feet, and I was almost paralysed. Every crime I had committed is probably fully documented on a GCHQ server somewhere, and I could be reeled in on a whim. Oh my God!

    "Now don't panic. After all, we're set to be partners, and partners look out for each other"

    I was too much in shock to reply. My world and everything in it had just become a toxic mess. I felt sick..,.No, I am going to be sick, and I fell towards the waste-paper bin, my legs incapable of even rudimentary stumbling. Breakfast and lunch was launched into the basket and I remained hunched over it, with no regard for events unfolding behind me.

    "Surprise!"

    .....

    "Surprise. Surprise!"

    "Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you..." What the fuck is happening? Where have all these people come from?

    "Happy birthday dear BOFH, Happy birthday to you"

    In that adrenalin fuelled moment I made out the IT team, the boss, and a few others. Some of whom I had shared some figuratively back-scratching moments with and other's I had ground into the dust, figuratively of course. Not the one's I had literally ground into dust. Although I think that would be more preferable, as that would most likely mean that this is a nightmare I can wake up from.

    PFY hopped over, unsuitably attired with a Cheshire cat grin "We didn't think you would appreciate a strippergram, so we came up with something more in your style. Happy birthday BOFH"

    "You bastard. You absolute bastard. So the coffee jar isn't bugged?"

    The MI5 operative chirped up "I was told to make it convincing The microscope app was just a video of a real covert device, and I'm just an actor trying to stay alive"

    "hahaha..." Not one of my most convincing laughs, but it would suffice. "PFY, you couldn't help me to the toilet could you, my legs are still like jelly"

    As we left the room I turned and locked the door behind us. My eyes pierced into the PFY's "This is all your fault, and these bodies are all your responsibility"

    "What bodies?"

    My hand punched at the fire alarm next to the door and the hissing of Halon gas could just be distinguished over the drone of the klaxon.

  16. Lord Elpuss Silver badge

    Nicely done BOFH :D :D

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