Prez Biden narrowly escapes cicada assassination attempt, hunkers down in Cornwall

Following The Reg's recent exclusive coverage of the growing cicada threat to humanity, we can now reveal that US President Joe Biden narrowly missed being literally decapitated by a lone cicada assassin. Biden was yesterday seen fighting off his hexapod assailant as he attempted to board Air Force One, before flying across …

[Chris G]

Assassin Cicada

I doubt if a cicada would get much sap out of Joe, I suspect it's mostly formaldehyde.

[EvilDrSmith]

Just send for the Scooby Gang... they know how to deal with a Cicada Bug Monster

(Mystery Inc, Season 1 episode 13, for those not getting the high class cultural reference)

[My other car WAS an IAV Stryker]

I have rarely been more proud of El Reg's unique reporting

If I could afford it, beers all around Vulture Central! Friday comes early!

[disgruntled yank]

What the Secret Service needs

Is cicada-killer wasps: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKBYUoNP_dA

And actually birds eat quite a few--they just may be sated at this point.

[ThatOne]

Re: What the Secret Service needs

> cicada-killer wasps

I'm not sure, but I think I prefer cicadas to wasps...

_{(The thing in the icon is a cicada)}

[W.S.Gosset]

Re: What the Secret Service needs

> sated

Definitely wouldn't be staeding up or flaying round, with that many cicadas in thayuh bayley.

[A. Coatsworth]

When will scientist learn?

Nothing good can come from calling your discovery or phenomenon "X"

Planet X, Parasite X, Monster X... the list goes on. An scientists though calling this "Brood X" was a good idea?

Had they called it "Fluffy Swarm of Love", nothing of this would had happened

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: When will scientist learn?

"Nothing good can come from calling your discovery or phenomenon "X""

Blossum, Buttercup, and Bubbles beg to differ....

[W.S.Gosset]

Re: When will scientist learn?

_Nothing_ good?

What about Sossidgebacontomatoesbeansan?

[yetanotheraoc]

In the not too distant future

Joke now, but one day drone insects will be able to pull off an assassination. All it would take is one big chomp on the carotid artery. Some swarm of natural insects would provide perfect cover. No doubt the Secret Service has already discussed it.

[Anonymous Coward]

Zombie Cicada Fungus

Boffins have discovered a fungus whose spores turn them into, according to the normally staid Scientific American, "horror movie sex-bots".

I want some and I want it now.

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-this-zombie-fungus-turns-cicadas-into-horror-movie-sex-bots/

[T. F. M. Reader]

Just long overgue IT training for the top layers of US.gov

Now they know bugs can ground planes and have security implications...

[PhilipN]

RAF Mildenhall

Don’t be fooled by the name. It is a huge chunk of East Anglia which will forever be Oklahoma, stacked to the gills with US military materiel.

[Roger Kynaston]

I for one

Welcome our new cicadian overlords.

-> because we are going to need to anaethsatise ourselves.

[Snake]

Responses

It is nice to see everyone, especially the 'all-powerful', take these insect-caused inconveniences in stride and with a sense of humor. I am not sure how Das Cheeto would have reacted, but I would believe it would be with quite a bit less joviality.

[Stevie]

Bah!

1985, Westbury, NY.

My Dad: What the hell is that noise? It sounds like sprinklers, but it's deafening!

Me: You mean the cicadas?

My Dad: WHAT?

Me: WHAT?

You think these things are a joke. All summer kept awake by them, followed by an autumn of having millions of disgusting thumb-sized carcasses on every vertical and horizontal surface. Thank Azathoth they only come out every 17 years. Haven't heard them that bad much since then, but then again, I moved.

[cd]

Their leader is named John. John Cicada sometimes changes the spelling of his name to remain incognito.