back to article BOFH: You might want to sit down for this. Oh, right, you can't. Listen carefully: THIS IS NOT AN IT PROBLEM!

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns Well, that whole return-to-work thing has turned to custard. A YEAR ago, half the staff would have claimed that their workplace presence was the only thing keeping the company afloat – and that was why they needed a very expensive laptop. Pointing out the waste of a portable device for …

  1. scoldog1
    WTF?

    I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

    when users thought that it was only items that ran on electricity that were under the purview of IT. Monitors, phones, fridges, water coolers etc

    Now we're getting requests for chairs, desks, cushions, pretty much anything and everything else under the sun. Just the other day I was asked for tissues.

    1. Aladdin Sane
      Gimp

      Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

      I often need a tissue when using my laptop late at night.

      1. TeeCee Gold badge
        Windows

        Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

        Try recycling face masks, way kinder to the environment.

        (Icon: nearest thing to an eco-loon we have).

    2. K

      Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

      Yep.... Best one I had was from the MD: can you order some air freshener for the toilets (Admittedly I was the last in there, and it smelled like a corpse had shat itself).

      The good ole days.. These days it feels like I'm a frickin post-office, organising delivery of shit to people working from home.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

        Yep.... Best one I had was from the MD: can you order some air freshener for the toilets (Admittedly I was the last in there, and it smelled like a corpse had shat itself).

        Nice to know i'm not the only one.

        I recently discovered that you can buy decent quality A4 paper from Macro at about half the price that the stationary supplier delivers it for, and every form of hand sanitiser, soap, decent double ply hand towels and dispensers for them as well as toilet paper etc, all of which are available from there at a significant discount on normal stationary suppliers, as your skipping the last couple of levels of distributor and their profit margins.

        More usefully Macro is also where many of the local restraunts go for buying food, which is available cheaply in bulk quantities if required, as well as in finished restraunt quality frozen food that the restraunts just heat and serve. With no restraunts open, an awful lot of stuff is getting reduced to shift it, which makes it an excellent place to go both for reducing office expenditures, and also on a personal level for buying up restraunt food that you just have to warm up so if you fancy eating out on restraunt quality food at home for less than you can buy the basic ingredients from at a supermarket then it's totally possible. The only downside is things coming in large boxes, which can be dealt with by finding a few people to share with. (that, or have the same thing to eat for a week)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

          > I recently discovered that you can buy decent quality A4 paper from Macro at about half the price that the stationary supplier delivers it for

          My company is in a building which is part Uni-owned, and at one point, we moved into a room which used to be used by Uni staff.

          About a month after we moved in, a bloke turned up with a box containing a ream of printer paper. We pointed out that we weren't uni staff, he shrugged and left it anyway.

          A year later, we were still getting monthly drops, despite the fact that we're a paperless office and the fact that we kept telling the delivery guy that we weren't working for the uni.

          OTOH, a lot of younger family members now have lots of free paper to scribble on!

          And since we've now been in lockdown for eleventy-billion months, I'm half expecting something similar to the old "I never forget" comedy skit [*] - aka we'll get back and discover that the room is entirely filled with boxes of paper...

          [*] The one where the guy who's been away for a long time is chatting to a taxi driver and is proudly proclaiming that he's never forgotten a thing, until he gets home and finds a decade's worth of newspapers and milk piled up on his doorstep. Sadly, my google-fu failed to turn it up; it might have been Ronnie Barker, though that might just be a bleed-over from Porridge...

          1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

            Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

            Another Saffer... The eleventy gave it away :)

            1. KarMann Silver badge

              Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

              In at least the northeast of England, it's usually 'twelfty', it seems.

          2. MachDiamond Silver badge

            Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

            Sounds like the problem that crops up with auto-ordering. If the person that set it up leaves, there isn't an easy way to shut it off. The delivery person can't take it back to they get penalized for an incomplete delivery. It's more than their job's worth to care as long as it gets delivered to the address on the work order.

            1. Eclectic Man Silver badge

              Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

              Ah yes. Previous company had water coolers with deliveries in large plastic bottles (I forget the correct name). Anyway, one department decided not to have them any more to save money, so chucked them in the skip. A month later a van turns up with a few tons of water for the coolers. "Oh but we don't do that any more." They had forgotten to cancel the repeat order for water.

              Turns out that the water coolers were an external contract and belonged to the external company too, and they wanted them back, Ooops!

              And, the manager in charge of the buildings, fabric and maintenance got a phone call every month for over a year from some irate employee / manager complaining that the drinking water was being taken away and it wasn't legal, and he had to explain that there was a rising main and that drinking water comes out of the tap, and the water coolers were a departmental decision, not his and please GO AWAY AND BOTHER SOMEONE ELSE.

            2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

              Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

              "If the person that set it up leaves,"

              Ah, yes, like the site I was called to to find out why their internet was down. Turned out it wasn't all down, just certain apps linking back to head office. Some head scratching and diagnosis with the head office IT team and it turns out the local office is trying to connect to the remote apps and being blocked because they are coming from an unauthorised IP address. A call to their ISP and it seems the ISPs idea if a fixed IP address is is a very long DHCP lease and recent work in the local area resulted in the IP address changing. The ISP had informed the company this was happening and that the IP address would change. But the person they had as a contact had left 3 years earlier, no one was monitoring the email address and nothing had been handed over to a replacement contact. Fails on all sides there, but I still got paid since we now knew the current "fixed" IP address and Head Office added it to the firewall rules. All this took about 20 minutes for a full days pay.

        2. MachDiamond Silver badge

          Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

          "which can be dealt with by finding a few people to share with. (that, or have the same thing to eat for a week)"

          I try to find people to split with, but I also look for bulk products that can be portioned and stored for a fair amount of time. A chest freezer is cheap to run and they are the most efficient. If you vacuum seal dry goods and then chuck them in the freezer, many will last a good long time. The big tins are the problem. You can prepare something with them and portion/freeze, but you do wind up eating the same thing more frequently or it gets funky from being frozen for a long time.

          I'm thinking of hiring a Nitrogen bottle from the welding supply shop the next time I get some dry goods in bulk and purging the air when vacuum sealing for a better storage lifetime. With many companies going out of business, you can find commercial vacuum baggers that do the whole cycle automatically for a really good price.

      2. Eclectic Man Silver badge

        Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

        I recall a sign in a customer toilet: "Please leave the toilet in the state in which you would like to find it"

        I managed to resist affixing my own sign saying:

        "No, I am not responsible for replacing the disintegrating ceiling tiles, re-grouting the ceramic wall tiles, replacing the wonky toilet seat, painting the walls or supplying soap and paper towels or fixing the leaking pipes or the dripping tap."

        It was a 'city financial' company and I was a consultant to their IT department, who were treated like the proverbial.

    3. Si 1

      Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

      Were they computer tissues? Y'know for wiping screens and stuff?

      1. ClockworkOwl
        Coat

        Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

        I have to admit, it's been a while since I reached that far...

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

          Obesity is a terrible thing!

          Never mind Paris will gladly lend a hand!

      2. Blackjack Silver badge

        Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

        You mean the green cloth things they use to clean Blue Ray disks and DVDs? You can get them at a hardware store. I use one for my Nintendo Switch.

    4. TRT Silver badge

      Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

      I'm sure I can arrange an electric chair if anyone wants one. And one of those foot spas that you fill with mineralised water.

    5. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

      Re: I'm fondly remembering the time years ago

      Obviously for cleaning their monitor screens, not as facial wipes - cos monitor wipes dont remove the lipstick

  2. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
    Pint

    My liver might be shot from years of... uh... exercise.

    I am so stealing that (Sorry Simon).

    That said its 2.40am & I'm finishing my last beer (Icon) as most of you are looking forward to your 4 or 5 o'clock ones.

    Night!

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Office Chairs!

    We went through the same hoops. Everybody needed a keyboard, mouse and monitor for WFH(users already have lappies), then they asked us about chairs! We didn't issue them, but were charged with tracking who borrowed(?) one. That worked out well... What a fiasco.

    1. A K Stiles
      Meh

      Re: Office Chairs!

      Day zero in March a bunch of stuff (laptops, docs, monitors, etc) departed the office with staff and no particular tracking of who had what.

      Day ?? in ??April?? The office was surveyed as to their requirements and then a couple of us went in to the office and arranged a whole bunch of kit for individuals, so I have a load of photos of collections of kit stacked on office chairs tagged with peoples names where we then wheeled them out the door and loaded them in to the back of folks cars. A bunch of other stuff was then subsequently purchased and delivered directly to people. We haven't reopened the office yet since March though we're trying to figure out what needs to happen to allow some folks back in where necessary. Whether anyone actually has all the clues as to who has what kit where, I have no idea!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Office Chairs!

        I was one of the last ones out of our building in March - it was glorious. I disabled the CCTV and went crazy, channelling my inner BOFH. You can't beat a spot of looting.

    2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: Office Chairs!

      So what's coming next year? An office chair designed for "home use" with a Bluetooth monitor built into the seat that tells the company who's sitting in the chair, how long they are in the chair and which way they are facing to make sure they are on the computer?

      1. newspuppy

        Re: Office Chairs!

        Why wait till next year? If you want to have a seating unit that has a computer in it that can be used for an office... you can get the ones with integrated speakers, subwoofer, as well as a massage system.

        That would be the office chair my friendly 'GP' would insist is needed for my mental and physical health during lockdown.....

        examples follow: https://www.ebay.co.uk/i/174096049770 (only £999.99 + £900 shipping....)

        here are far more econmical alternatives.. but still use power.. and must have some form of microcontroller... https://www.amazon.co.uk/office-massage-chair/s?k=office+massage+chair

      2. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

        Re: Office Chairs!

        Speaking of Bluetooth chairs - the BOFH can do well in lookinf at wifi chairs with uPnP enabled, to allow some remote controlled shenanigans and terrorize the lusers...

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          Re: Office Chairs!

          The unplug & play being the firing of the chairs gas cylinder, into the nearest available port.

          Icon PH ( Or am I thinking of BH in a roman galley & something about ramming speed).

      3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Office Chairs!

        "An office chair designed for "home use" with a Bluetooth monitor built into the seat that tells the company who's sitting in the chair, how long they are in the chair and which way they are facing to make sure they are on the computer?"

        Yes. It's designed to interface with the 5G tracking chip secretly injected along with your COVID-19 vaccine.

        1. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

          Re: Office Chairs!

          I think you might notice the bigger needle needed to accomadate the 5G tracker, Oh matron

    3. MachDiamond Silver badge

      Re: Office Chairs!

      This is the most bizarre thing. Companies might need to provide for consumable supplies, but a chair? The workers are already saving loads of money by not having to buy a business wardrobe (at least from the waist down), shoes, train tickets/petrol, etc. They should have some budget to buy their own chairs and desks. In fact, second hand office furniture is easy to come by for free. If the company is going to close/downsize an office they can give employees furniture as an easy way to get rid of it. With second hand furniture worth so little, putting inventory tags on it and keeping track is a waste of time and money. It would be better to just write it off the books and take a tax break if possible.

      I don't think I've ever paid for office furniture in decades of having a business. My only cost has been transportation and I've never been stuck for something I've needed. Maybe I've bought a couple of book shelves and storage cabinets, but not desks and chairs.

      1. TSM

        Re: Office Chairs!

        In the first few days of our WFH period, I was just using one of our dining table chairs. But my back pretty quickly told me that wasn't good enough for 8 hours a day. I did start using my home office chair, but that meant my wife couldn't use it for anything she had to do on our computer.

        Fortunately we were allowed to come in and pick up our office chairs (as well as monitors and monitor stands) so that I could set up a space with the same gear that I had in the office. My office gear is generally rather better than what I have at home, so that was necessary for a prolonged WFH stint.

        And no, not everyone can afford to go and buy a bunch of equipment on essentially no notice - and if we had tried to, we might not have been able to; my boss was unable to get a monitor at half a dozen different places in the early days of the restrictions. You mention second hand furniture, but such stores would likely (I didn't actually check) not have been considered essential businesses, and would therefore have been closed. The nearest furniture store to me certainly was closed while the heavy restrictions were on.

      2. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

        Re: Office Chairs!

        Don't try this in the Civil Service.....

      3. Marshalltown

        Re: Office Chairs!

        My old boss told the staff, this was in the early days of Windows NT when a lot of the libraries still had OS2 in the names, that since computers had become essential work items, we were expected to buy our own kit. That proposal did not go over well at all. Everyone asked for a raise to cover equipment and software costs.

  4. Maverick

    Well we have a normal Friday even if locked down, I suspect Simon may have further episodes on this theme for us

  5. DailyLlama
    IT Angle

    I will only support chairs that can be plugged in to the mains...

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Like the keyboard for a sore luser and the office chair for the BOFH the PFY constructed, with the specially-made tinsel?

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It always surprises me..

    Just how much other departments are willing and able to put costs against IT.

    Especially when they manage to get software/hardware provided that IT can't order because 'reasons', circumvent security/procurement processes and then add it to IT's budget expenditure.

    Gee... Thanks for that.

    1. Franco

      Re: It always surprises me..

      I once had a contract in a place where (as someone mentioned above) everything with a plug on it was IT's problem. Fridges, projectors, TVs, Microwaves and even shredders. Due to the last one some bright spark decided that the entire office's stationery was IT's responsibility as well, a problem IT solved by putting the stationery cupboard in the secure room for tape storage. Suddenly the admin team decided it might actually be part of their remit instead...

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Asset Record Audit

    We have had such fun with this, one of the department has been tasked with finding out what everyone took home. Unfortunately he is something of a self important jobsworth, so did not believe that I did not take anything more than my standard issue laptop and Bluetooth ear piece. The idea that I would not need a couple of monitors, keyboard, mouse, chair and printer at home, when I have all these for my gaming setup and they are better than anything in the office, was lost on him. In the end I sent him a photo of my setup and asked him if anything looked like company issue items, he then attempted to tell me that my A3 OfficeJet printer/scanner was a company issue unit (it isn't for the record) and demand I return it. My reply asking what he had been smoking was likely a mistake, as was using the terms Cock and Womble to describe him on the following email as he voiced his outrage, my final response was simply to attach a PDF of the invoice to me from the original purchase that showed the payment method as debit card with the last 4 digits of my personal card. He has gone silent since then, I suspect because he has done the same to the rest of the company and I know some of my fellow IT Infrastructure BOFH team members are worse tempered than me...

    1. WonkoTheSane

      Re: Asset Record Audit

      When you do finally get back to the office, tread carefully.

      There may be a stretch of carpet missing (along with Mr Jobsworth).

      1. Sgt_Oddball
        Holmes

        Re: Asset Record Audit

        I wonder if quicklime counts towards CAPEX or OPEX within whichever budget it's put against?

        1. TimMaher Silver badge
          Paris Hilton

          Re: Asset Record Audit

          OPEX as it has to be consumed... unless... it was use for a capital offence. Whereupon it could be CAPEX.

        2. This post has been deleted by its author

        3. DailyLlama

          Re: Asset Record Audit

          Surely it would be under Buildings Maintenance?

          1. Hero Protagonist
            Coat

            Re: Asset Record Audit

            Only if it’s for something which is now or soon will be under the building.

            1. Toni the terrible Bronze badge

              Re: Asset Record Audit

              No its for the new flower / shrub beds and is therfore ground maintenance

    2. Flocke Kroes Silver badge

      Do you have ...

      Sample output from various office printers dating back from BC, any recently printed paper from Mr Jobsworth, the list of company equipment at Mr Jobsworth's home and a blue light?

    3. chivo243 Silver badge
      Terminator

      Re: Asset Record Audit

      "a self important jobsworth" There is one in every group... Always!

      my fellow IT Infrastructure BOFH team members are worse tempered than me... They call me the Hammer, hey someone has to do it!

      1. quxinot

        Re: Asset Record Audit

        One?

        Lucky.

        1. Eclectic Man Silver badge

          Re: Asset Record Audit

          I'm sure there is something in the 'team building' theory that says every team needs a 'self-important jobsworth' in order to reach its full potential. Probably goes by a title like 'finisher', 'monitor' or 'martinet'.

  8. Coastal cutie

    Welcome back

    So good to have the BOFH back - even if I did end up spitting Diet Coke all over my keyboard (other soft beverages are available)

    1. 9Rune5

      Re: Welcome back

      Is that YOUR keyboard or your employer's?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Welcome back

        By the time he swaps it, it will be their employers...

  9. Jay 2
    Happy

    "their child's five-year-old Chromebook and postal mail."

    It's a good job I wasn't drinking anything whilst reading this article! As well as the aforementioned quote, the bit about the contaminated masks also made me laugh out loud.

    The thing is, this sort of thing is happening. My friend who looks after the more desktoppy stuff said that they had a request from a user to replace their Bluetooth keyboard/mouse as they'd stopped working. This is the user's own purchased keyboard/mouse which have absolutely nothing to do with the company (as anything company provided would most likely be wired and from the spares cupboard).

    1. John Robson Silver badge

      Re: "their child's five-year-old Chromebook and postal mail."

      My company have just got me a new peripheral, replacing a personal one that i have used for company work for the last four years (two of which have been WFH).

      I don't think that's unreasonable for an IT department to provide.

      I've provided the fourth and fifth monitors, they provided the eGPU (the absolute cheapest compatible one I could find, since I only need it for the additional outputs, not for GPU grunt). I've also provided the pole mounts etc...

      They've not done badly...

      Though this chair might need replacing soon - that'll be my choice though.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Older gear is always an option

    If you can find a damaged one (Aerons are nice but the seats shred after 10 years or so) and order repair parts, they make excellent WFH seating.

    Likewise with older LCD monitors. Everyone wants the newest 14:9 ones, the old 4:3 ones pile up in the corner as they're replaced. They work just fine at home.

    You just need to be a bit creative to set up a very nice WFH setup from "less desireable" kit.

    1. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: Older gear is always an option

      ...and being on good terms with the folks in charge of disposal of obsolete or unwanted assets is always a good idea.

      // Christmas gift cards in the pocket

      1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
        Pint

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        I love equipment pickup tickets... so many interesting things including so many bought off radar, hidden & never used.

    2. Korev Silver badge

      Re: Older gear is always an option

      I'd happily use a 4:3 monitor again, almost everything I do is long, not wide...

      1. Robert Sneddon

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        I'd happily use a 4:3 monitor again, almost everything I do is long, not wide...

        You could tape a couple of bits of cardboard to the sides of a 16:9 monitor if you want a 4:3 ratio display. Alternatively there's probably someone out there with a Kickstarter for motorised side-curtains for monitors (like the old cinemas had for their screens) so you can adjust the ratio to suit whatever you're doing.

        Myself I'm only considering replacing my 32" 4k 16:9 monitor because 43" models with the same resolution and screen ratio are becoming affordable. A 17" 4:3 monitor just wouldn't cut it for me today.

        1. Cynic_999

          Re: Older gear is always an option

          A trip to an optician and a new pair of spectacles might be a lot cheaper and get better results.

          1. Robert Sneddon

            Re: Older gear is always an option

            I have a pair of spectacles specifically for use with my computer monitor (32" diagonal 4k IPS 16:9 ratio). The optical prescription provides me with a good no-strain focus at an eye relief of about 75cm or so. Visually speaking this monitor's display field just about fills my peripheral vision at that distance, a little smaller than the frames of my specs. However my eyes aren't what they were even six years ago when I bought this desktop monitor and replacing it with a 43" 4k display is very tempting.

        2. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

          Re: Older gear is always an option

          How far back from your monitor do you need to sit to take a 43" screen in? Are you using a 5m long HDMI cable for that?

          YMMV, but I've found a pair of 24" QHD monitors to be both cheaper than a single 4K one, and more practical because it's easier to have two screens with two different things on them than arranging things on a single monitor. Smaller 4K monitors seem to be coming down in price now (my two monitors were around £200 each when bought), so at some point I might upgrade to two 24" 4k monitors but it'll probably only be when one or both of them dies. I don't expect this to be for 5 or 6 years.

          1. stiine Silver badge

            Re: Older gear is always an option

            I have a 24" monitor (svga) and a 43" monitor (hdmi) that I sometimes replace with at 55" monitor (also hdmi). The big monitor stand is just over 1 meter from me, and the small one is in arms reach (just).

          2. Robert Sneddon

            Re: Older gear is always an option

            I do have a second monitor on my system, a 27" 2560x1440 IPS display (semi)-permanently in portrait mode to one side of my main monitor. It's handy for proofing page layouts and displaying tools I don't need all the time in my direct field of view.

            Cheap monitors are the Devil's bargain as your aching eyes will confirm. I paid 800 quid for my 32" 4k display six years ago when they were at a premium, I have not regretted it once.

          3. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
            Pint

            Re: Older gear is always an option

            Last place I had a pair of 28" (or was it 32") & that was quite sufficient.

            Using a small USFF PC to stream I-player etc on can be a real bitch to navigate on a 65" screen, other than clicking Firefox\Chrome where everything is tabbed & ready to go (With a beer to hand - Icon).

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        I saved a couple of old 17" Sony LCDs. both VGA and DVI inputs, and even built-in speakers.

        Yeah, had to save them. One is hooked up to my old HP Agilent Logic Analyzer(the piddly little LCD built into those are just... no) and the other is for 'occasional use'...

      3. Stoneshop

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        I'd happily use a 4:3 monitor again, almost everything I do is long, not wide...

        At work I have the two 16:9 24" monitors in portrait mode, resulting in a 2160x1920 desktop. That's 80 or 90 lines of logfile text for a screen full even if using a 10pt mono font, so you get a decent amount of context. Still, people find my setup weird.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
          Boffin

          Re: Older gear is always an option

          It'd look a lot better if you could strip the panels and gubbins out of their cases and mount them in a custom frame to minimise the bar down the middle :-)

          1. Stoneshop

            Re: Older gear is always an option

            They're fairly recent Eizos (mumble2450's ISTR), and their bezel width is already expressed in Ångströms (or picoLinguini, if you prefer).

      4. midgepad

        Long and thin

        9:16 should be super then.

      5. John Robson Silver badge

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        Portrait mode - that's what I have for the centre of my 5 screens - a slightly larger screen which is 2k (need more than 1080 wide or various websites assume you're on a mobile device) upright inbetween the others arrayed in landscape mode.

      6. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        "I'd happily use a 4:3 monitor again, almost everything I do is long, not wide..."

        I once had to deal with someone who had a very, very nice, very high res 4:3 screen who insisted he needed a "better" 16:9 1080p HD screen which as you might guess, was actually a lower resolution and had a little less screen area. He got what he asked for and someone more deserving got a very nice second hand screen.

      7. Ribfeast

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        Just rotate the monitor 90 degrees and change the settings in the OS to fix the orientation.

    3. Dave K

      Re: Older gear is always an option

      My WFH setup consists of a 30" 16:10 monitor (my own personal screen that also connects to my gaming PC via KVM), plus two 20" 4:3 Dell monitors either size (1600x1200 res). The monitors were acquired for free from work as they'd been replaced with widescreens and were headed for the WEEE skip. In fact, I liberated 4 spares that are now in my loft, plus a couple of 24" 16:10 screens up there as well (also not wanted at work as they not as "slimline" as the newer widescreens - despite having a slightly higher resolution and nicer aspect ratio).

      1. Carrot007

        Re: Older gear is always an option

        You got 16:10 right as most monitors are (there are some 16:9 but....)

        However 4:3. Never has there been such a monitor unless they started recently 5:4 maybe.

        1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Older gear is always an option

          "However 4:3. Never has there been such a monitor unless they started recently 5:4 maybe."

          A 4:3 screen size ratio has been the standard screen size almost since TV was invented, also known as 1.33. If you've ever done any work with video transcoding, or even looked at a bit of video conversion software (free and open source ones are available), you'd find that the top two setting are for 16:9 and 4:3 image ratios because they are the world standards. Could you be so young as to have never seen a 4:3 TV screen or even watched a TV show on a 16:9 screen with black bars down the side because the broadcast of old TV shows is 4:3? Or is your TV set up to auto-stretch all images to fill the screen, also known as stretchy-vision, populated by what appears to be a lot fat people in black and white?

        2. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker
          Thumb Down

          Re: Older gear is always an option

          5:4... I can't remember exactly which LCD monitors I've had for work since 2005, but I remember having to deal with this BS for a while. Letterboxes with a 4:3 Powerpoint when the res was lousy to begin with...

    4. Stoneshop

      Re: Older gear is always an option

      Everyone wants the newest 14:9 ones, the old 4:3 ones pile up in the corner as they're replaced.

      One day I found two 17" Eizo flatscreen monitors in the ToBeDisposedOf container, and for some reason they didn't look very ToBeDisposedOffable to me, at least not via the standard process for ToBeDisposedOf kit. Took them out and to my desk, plugged them in and found they were quite OK except for having a partial column of always-on red pixels. Well, good enough for my 'lab' at home, so they went there.

      Looking them over again when I got home I noticed their date of manufacture. Which was about three years back; Eizo's warranty is five. So I called their local representative who assured me that they would indeed accept these as warranty cases, even where I didn't have a receipt or their original packaging.. "Just pack them well, and UPS will be along tomorrow to pick them up."

      Two weeks later they were back, with new panels. Seven years on they're still working fine, replaced only just three months ago with two 21" Eizos that were sold for three-fifty and a kick in the nuts as they too were 4:3.

    5. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: Older gear is always an option (Especially when cheap or free).

      Being in the local Govt Surplus Building*, I had to refuse (Couldn't afford or find a use) some rather nice but old 23.5" monitors for $10 each as having nothing I could do with them.

      I did pickup (Cherry** picked) some rather nice Logitech wireless KB's that have a nice trick in being able to pair with three Unified Receivers for $5 each.

      *I was in the neighbourhood, picking up a haul of interesting items offered up by a electronic waste disposal company from the bay of flea's.

      **Pun intended.

  11. Evil Auditor Silver badge

    To work or not to work from home

    There is an organisation in the public sector which in the past would not allow its staff to work from home. Very reasonable reason: because the organisation cannot guarantee a healthy workplace for someone not working in the office on an approved chair at an approved desk with an approved keyboard etc. Come covid-19 and all of a sudden staff is allowed to ruin their backs, wrists and what not while working from home.

  12. johnmccash

    "only half of it will ever be returned"? You're an optimist!

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      You're an optimist!

      I'd say he is about right, he didn't say anything about it being usable anymore.

    2. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      The half that's broken.

      1. MachDiamond Silver badge

        "The half that's broken."

        There's another problem. What does somebody do if what the've been issued breaks? Obviously, they can't just chuck it since they could get charged for it if it isn't returned. Does the company send somebody around to collect it? Does the company have their own truck or will they need to hire one? How much is that chair worth?

        1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

          From what I've seen in offices, the lifespan of the average office chair before something snaps or breaks (usually the levers for the riser, or the bit that stops the backrest springing forward) is about 18 months. I would be wholly unsurprised if a good 1/3 of the office chairs that got sent out to people's homes in March are now broken. The ones that aren't being used as clothes hangers that is.

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Working from home ...

    ... while sitting on the sofa with a laptop zoom meeting watching QI on the TV with the sound down and subtitles on.

  14. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    yet another

    keyboard needed

    PS If regular readers are interested, I have conducted extensive research into hammers, and have found that the thor number 2 copper/hide mallet is ideal for every task you could ask from it, small enough for delicate adjustment, large enough for heavier jobs , only downside is that its not everyones cup of tea when it comes to throwing it, but it is quite rewarding when you get the knack of it

    1. A.P. Veening Silver badge

      Re: yet another

      I'd say the real downside is that it doesn't return on its own after being thrown, something I would expect from a Thor hammer ;)

    2. Loyal Commenter Silver badge

      Re: yet another

      Just googled that hammer. That's some nice hammer porn right there.

      My go-to desk hammer is a Globemaster 5310. For less delicate jobs, there's the 4 lb lump hammer in the allotment shed.

      1. Steve Davies 3 Silver badge

        Only a 4 lb lump hammer?

        Mine is a 14lb Sledge Hammer in the garden shed. That along with an Axe dating from around 1910 are formidable weapons. Brick walls don't stand a chance.

        1. Korev Silver badge
          Joke

          Re: Only a 4 lb lump hammer?

          You have to be a bit careful though, there's a very thin line between them being sorry and their head making a mess of the floor...

        2. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge

          Re: Only a 4 lb lump hammer?

          Trouble with the larger hammers is that its very difficult to explain "Well his hand was in the way when I put the hammer on my desk" type events when you've got a 14lb sledge hammer and used it to encourage the person to go back to work.

          Incidentaly, I've just been informed by the manglement that when I screw an employees boots to the floor so he stays by his machine I'm suppossed to let them take their feet out first...

  15. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    a COVID expense

    I'm guessing there is quite a lot of that doing the rounds.

  16. This post has been deleted by its author

    1. MachDiamond Silver badge

      "1. reps who keep managing to break their damn screens on their AIO unit, "

      That's the problem with AIO computers. Yes, you lose all of that cabling and moving them around is simple, but if one thing goes sproing, it's not a simple matter of replacing that one piece. The same can be said of the latest glued shut laptops. Unless somebody is working a truly mobile job, a small form factor desktop can be easier to configure and support. I've avoided laptops as I don't want to work much after hours. Being self-employed now, I don't want a computer that's hard/impossible to work on if one things goes out such as a keyboard.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "Being self-employed now, I don't want a computer that's hard/impossible to work on if one things goes out such as a keyboard."

        It can depend on the fault, but most "broken" laptops will still work with an external screen and/or keyboard and/or mouse if those items fail on a laptop. Likewise, and AIO has an external keyboard anyway and some will work with an external secondary screen.

        I'm not disagreeing with you or your reasons, but all is not lost where some faults are concerned.

    2. Down not across

      I'm curious about the choice for AIO. Surely USFF bolted to he VESA mount on LCD would be much more flexible (and more or less equeally "AIO" solution.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

      2. This post has been deleted by its author

      3. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      "because HR refuses to withhold their last paycheck until they return the equipment."

      That would be illegal in most sane jurisdictions. You'd need a contractual term in the employment contract to get around it, which I suspect is unlikely since WFH is quite new to most orgs. apart from a few specialised people.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  17. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Brilliant. Keep it up.

    Brilliant.

    The part about the Boss and the masks generated a good chortle.

    Now I also want a chair with a computer in it.

    1. MachDiamond Silver badge

      Re: Brilliant. Keep it up.

      "The part about the Boss and the masks generated a good chortle.

      Now I also want a chair with a computer in it."

      Really?, I want the broom stick with the cattle prod.

      1. quxinot

        Re: Brilliant. Keep it up.

        I want a bit of both.

        A gas cylinder tied to a broomstick with a cattleprod affixed, and the whole lot controlled by computer. I think with the correct modifications to said cylinder to allow separation, you could have a cattle-harpoon setup, and that's really the most appropriate way to not only provide social distancing for yourself but even spare yourself the risk of getting up out of your chair to use it on appropriate targets (assuming open-plan officespace--with enough power, it would work through walls as well, I'd imagine.... hrm....)

        1. My other car WAS an IAV Stryker

          Re: Brilliant. Keep it up.

          Flamethrower. That will ensure separation AND pain.

          I have a "weed burner" that runs on small bottles of propane (camp stove or pipe-solder torch size) that puts out one heck of a pale blue flame -- easily a foot long and near invisible in daylight -- once you get it started**. It works well for it's intended purpose but I also use it to help boost burning junk in a steel trash can, the can being suitably modified with bottom air feeder holes and a larger hole to inject this flame.

          I think they discontinued this burner model right after I bought it.

          (** The built-in igniter quit after a few uses. I use a lighter to ignite a small jar candle, then point the long burner at the candle and let the propane flow. The force of ignition (WHUMP) once blew the candle out as it stole all the oxygen.)

  18. FuzzyTheBear
    Pint

    I'll get you a chair ...

    rigged with a couple JATO packs plugged into a cell phone ..

    next time the genius calls IT for support cheerfully say .. " Ill call you right back " ...

    enjoy the weekend :)

  19. Herby

    Red Staplers?

    This talk of funtiture reminds me of the Red Stapler fiasco. How it will turn out is anybody's guess.

  20. Chairman of the Bored

    When reality sucks more than fiction

    When I worked for a government agency, let's say for sake of argument the world's largest operator of nuclear powered aircraft carriers, all chairs and desks WERE considered computer desks and chairs.

    Out of a desire for control, er, efficiency the pointy hairs required that an "IT Purchase Request" had to be generated, staffed, and approved before one could buy a fscking chair or desk because they "might be used to hold to use IT equipment" and "we need a database of all IT equipment" and "this is critical for cyber security!!!". This process could take weeks to months.

  21. Xalran

    Social Distancing Cattle Prod... Sort of

    I knew that at one point the BOFH would bring a social distancing cattle prod....

    There's a ( weak ) real life one : https://technabob.com/blog/2020/11/13/telescoping-social-distancing-zapper/

  22. Eclectic Man Silver badge

    A 'new' chair

    When last I moved offices there was the usual search for the 'best' office chair that would stay by my desk.

    (I recall one incident in my previous office when I had got in, set up my company laptop, worked for a few hours, and went to make a well deserved cup of coffee for myself. When I returned, my chair had magically transferred itself from my desk to under the posterior of a person on the adjacently located project. I 'politely' requested its return, and was met by the response, there's no difference between it and that one (unoccupied) over there. To which I replied, "then you won't mind changing, will you?" I got my chair back, and was eventually told that the person from whom I'd retrieved 'my' chair was, in fact, a customer rep.)

    Anyway, the chairs in the new office were pretty crap. Worn fabric, tears displaying the saggy foam interior, wonky or jammed casters, and in one case an arm rest that fell off at the slightest touch. Eventually someone ordered a 'new' chair, and what turned up was clearly an old chair that still had all its bits, but had seen several years of use. So think before you ask for a 'new' chair, it might just be a 'different' chair, that has been 'pre-loved'.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A 'new' chair

      There is so much to say about office furnitures in office, particularly, unsurprisingly, open ones.

      A couple good ones from my career:

      - the classical crap chair (there were all decades old in this company, possibly the first ones with wheels. Once, when attempted to roll, this fella almost ate corner of the table, due to a snapping wheel bearing

      - this one, you always had one: the chair which breaks a leg and the dude going down legs high. Fortunately no harm

      - the ergonomic chairs, ah dear God, I wish I'd seen many of them but sadly only spotted one a couple of times. The most mindboggling one was one of a quite heavy lady, who apparently was able to summon the powers of the ninth hells to frighten enough the accountants into getting one. This thing was amazingly impressive: shelves, laying work position, position for feets, various pieces of metal for screen, mouse, kb. It made her look like bloody Buck Rogers. By a coincidence, we named her exactly this :)

      Another story was this 700 staff move we were assisting with: new building, every work position standard, one screen per position.

      Bizarrely after 2 days we noticed disappearance of quite a lot of screens and also a lot of positions with *2* screens.

      Yep, every open space additional screen was "compensated" by a missing screen in the same space.

      Good news: no screen disappeared from the building. Bad news: 2 screens setup would soon become standard and 700 screens were to be ordered :)

  23. von Nero
    Trollface

    Nero

    Back in March, IT department orders 1000 laptops to support people working from home.

    While everyone is working from home, new Big Boss has a massive Workplace change and 140 people take voluntary redundancies.

    HR lets them go without returning their kit!

    The laptop loans were recorded in the library borrowing system, but due to some secrecy around the VR process IT Client Services cannot get a list of who has taken a VR.

    I was asked to help, since I was technical lead support for the Library and HR systems but nothing I could do if I don't know who has been given a VR.

    I mean I COULD pull that info from the HR database, but that would be a breach of the Information Use policy, wouldn't it.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  24. JimboSER

    We've been ransacked

    This part makes no sense, why would the BOFH wait until December to swap out all of his crappiest gear with that still in the office space? This was my top priority when this whole situation began. I was definitely able to spruce up several chairs in my own version of Mission Control, but sadly monitor upgrades and such were scarce, as I'd already allocated most of the best kit for myself...

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