Remember 2013? This coffee machine does: If I could turn back time – I'd reboot this PC

While Marty McFly's Delorean remains the stuff of fiction, the power of Bork could allow you to experience 2013 while avoiding the disappointing cup of coffee that is 2020. Imagine, if you can, what it was like back in 2013. The UK was flush with success, having managed to pull off the Olympics without making a dreadful hash …

[katrinab]

It is not quite true to say that Boris Johnson had yet to trouble his administration. In 2013, the Garden Bridge project was beginning to get underway.

[Anonymous Coward]

Put the vending machine out of its misery.

A four barrelled elephant gun would seem a fitting way to do it.

[Stoneshop]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

Those machines invariably present you with something almost entirely but not quite unlike coffee, so it deciding not to serve you anything will keep you from misery.

[OssianScotland]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

Tea, Shirley?

[Stoneshop]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

Yes, the purported coffee that these contraptions emit is also almost entirely but not quite unlike tea as well.

[Kane]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

"Tea, Shirley?"

Coffee, and don't call him Shirley. Not after the last incident.

[Blofeld's Cat]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

"... four barrelled elephant gun ..."

Presumably the one from, Riotous Assembly.

[Rol]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

Go nuclear, and put it in the hands of constable Els.

[Tom 7]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

My dad had his piles done and came home from hospital and lay on the sofa reading that book. He couldn't put it down and the whole family ended up watching him read and then laugh and cry in pain at the same time. Sadism can be fun!

[chivo243]

Re: Put the vending machine out of its misery.

go big or stay home, "Brandine! Where's the Bazook!!" Cletus.

Icon for effect, not because I'm angry!

[chivo243]

we have two of these monstrosities

I have to believe they have more processing power than the Apollo moon shots combined. I think 4k videos could run on our displays. Maybe even run Crysis!

Getting my coat, heading out for a cuppa tea...

[Phil O'Sophical]

Change the battery

Looks like the usual effect of a BIOS reset when the lithium battery has died. Timing would be about right, 5-7 years.

[John Brown (no body)]

Re: Change the battery

And the date of the BIOS build doesn't mean that's when the machine was built either. Depending on how often a new BIOS is released to production, it could easily be 6-9 months that the boards were produced with that BIOS revision and date, and just as long or longer that they were on the suppliers shelves before they ended up and the machine manufactures.

[James Anderson]

I see your WILT and PORTERHOUSE BLUE and raise you RIGHTEOUS ASSEMBLY first and best of Sharpes books.

[fnusnu]

Riotous, surely?

[Rol]

I'd probably drink more vending machine coffee if they correctly labelled it as instant gravy, with a hint of burnt toast.

It's really indecent of them to expose us to such a mockery that is vending machine coffee.

[Kane]

"I'd probably drink more vending machine coffee if they correctly labelled it as instant gravy, with a hint of burnt toast."

Mmmm, toast dunked in gravy.

[Anonymous Coward]

at least it worked, we have a probably leased one with a cardreader that has problems every day.

[Anonymous Coward]

“Industrial coffee machines”

These things are a scam industry. Incredibly expensive hardware, constantly breaking.

Luckily my boss chucked the oversized office machine and just bought a consumer thing. It hasn’t broken yet, and costs a tenth of the price to run.

[innominatus]

Re: “Industrial coffee machines”

Home appliances may not always be the best choice. Mrs N bought an IoT bean-to-cup coffee machine that has the world's worst control software, app and security. Constantly rebooting it now sits unconfigured and offering anyone walking past the house the chance to connect to its open wifi hotspot and brew up. Smarter coffee my Arsène Wenger.

[sgp]

Re: “Industrial coffee machines”

Well as far as I can tell, you can still buy a simple drip brew device for significantly less than your app controlled nonsense. So your argument is moot.

[Tom 7]

Re: “Industrial coffee machines”

I'm allergic to coffee but I remember going round a school friends house and they made coffee in a percolator on the hob. His dad ran the shop in town where they roasted and sold coffee and expensive coffee making machines long before the modern fad started. He reckoned it was all a fad then but it kept him and his family well fed and housed. I dont think he'd tried ocelot shit though.

[Chris G]

A tea Ern'?

I worked at a place in the '80s, where the lads in the workshop acquired a retired mil-spec 5 gallon tea urn.

They plumbed it in, fitted it with a float switch and a temperature guage so that you knew if the temperature was at tea level.

All the makings were next to it and everyone chipped in each week for the costs.

It never went wrong and was as quick as standing by an automat while it gurgles and clunks it's way to producing something that tastes nothing like your selection.

[Paul Hovnanian]

Could have been worse

It could have been a Keurig.

[lordgurke]

The rebellion of the machines begins!

That the rebellion of the machines begins at coffee dispensers and vending machines is an equally nasty and brilliant plan!

[Ropewash]

The elephant in the room

Are we just going to ignore that someone saw fit to require 8 gigs of RAM in a fucking coffee machine?

[Chris G]

Re: The elephant in the room

Making coffee is complicated.

Apparently!

[Antonius_Prime]

Re: The elephant in the room

It's been documented that my memory is abysmal before application of the Black Go Juice That Appeases The Beast, so perhaps they reckoned in their similar way "Lets give the machine as much grunt as we can, so that the users don't give as much grunt as they can..."

(In all probability, it was most likely an accounting idea. Build the machine as cheap as they can & charge through the nose. "Oh, software is slow? We can speed it up, that's an extra X a months. Cheers!" Interface is probably Java based anyway and we all know how memory efficient that is!*)

(*Nooooooooooope_Archer_Lana.jpg)

[Winkypop]

Coffee from a vending machine

A true act of desperation

[Toni the terrible]

Re: Coffee from a vending machine

I usually found that the drinking chocolate option was drinkable, though depending on the last user it had a 'shot' of Coffee / Tea / Soup of the machine