SAP blogger reveals top tips for keeping clients happy: Don’t swear, remember to write a pithy subject line, and TURN OFF CAPS LOCK

SAP has published a “Business trends” blog post that offers business etiquette advice so utterly obvious that a million thrice-recycled LinkedIn posts explaining how not to fail at life now seem clever by comparison. “Sometimes it seems as though modern businesses hardly care about their customers,” commenced SAP consultant …

[Paul Herber]

'never use the word "wanker"'

Schoolboy sniggers for Wayne Kerr Electronics ...

[Roopee]

Only a school boy snigger? I burst out laughing for the first time in days - thank you El Reg for brightening my day!

[Anonymous Coward]

SAP consultants...

...specialist subject: the bleedin' obvious.

[gnasher729]

Re: SAP consultants...

I suppose what's bleedin' obvious when you read it isn't bleedin' obvious to everyone before they read it.

[SirMunchAlot]

Shocking innovation rocks IT world...

SAP invents manners!

[Julz]

Well

I think that actual credibility, enthusiasm and honesty is probably a good thing rather than, as the SAP wanker says, "staff should 'convey credibility, enthusiasm and honesty'". But I'm not an overpaid consultant. Well not anymore...

[Anonymous Coward]

I object to the use of the phrase 'Call-center consultants'.

Surely that should be 'Call-center agent' or (preferably) 'Call-center drone'.

To do otherwise demeans real consultants everywhere.

[IGotOut]

Actually they are called contact centres these days, not call centres. Or if you really want to go bang on trend, Customer Engagement Centres.

[GrumpenKraut]

You made a spelling mistake in "Customer Enragement Centres".

[Anonymous Coward]

"The Register would never use the word "wanker" to describe a boffin, bean-counter or Unix graybeard."

So who would be the recipient of such a description?

[Anonymous Coward]

Marketroids?

Sales drones?

Members of the Department of Stating The Bloody Obvious like Logan Whatsisface?

Although in a lot of cases, I suspect a lot of them would be hard-put to find their wanking equipment with a map, GPS and native guide.

[IGotOut]

Or if in the proper East End, pretty much everyone.

[jake]

May I be the first to say ...

... that Logan Berger sounds like a complete sap?

[lglethal]

Just to clear one point

I'd guess that the post has been translated from German. The hyphenation at "spelling- and grammar mistakes" likely came from a direct translation "Rechtschreib- und Grammatikfehler" and someone not proofreading the translation properly (whoops breaking their own advice there).

And whilst its fun to take the piss out of these kinds of post, the number of people who still completely fail in exactly these ways in their business writing is crazy. Common Sense it may be, but Common Sense ain't exactly common...

[jake]

Re: Just to clear one point

As Granpa used to put it, "Common Sense is usually neither".

[J. Cook]

Re: Just to clear one point

Hell, Common sense is so uncommon it's practically a super-power.

[Doctor Syntax]

"The advantages of email marketing make it an important addition to a business’s Internet marketing program.” usually makes me think “Sometimes it seems as though modern businesses hardly care about their customers,”

[Roland6]

A friend has made a good living these past 15+ years, simply dusting down her old customer care material from the 90's and presenting it to a new generation of call centre managers and operators, it does seem that common sense is easily forgotten...

[Doctor Syntax]

Common sense may be sense but it's quite uncommon.

[Outski]

Gah!

"...with a could-care-less attitude."

This is one that really bugs me. The whole point is that you couldn't possibly care less. If you could care less, it's obvious that you do actually care to some extent.

[FBee]

Weird Al Yankovic "Word Crimes"

I hate these word crimes

Like 'I could care less'.

That means you do care

At least a little...

I hate these word crimes!

You really need a

Full time proofreader.

You dumb mouth-breather.

Well, you should hire

Some cunning linguist

To help you distinguish

What is proper English...

[Robert Moore]

Re: Gah!

I came here to say the same thing.

This particular phrase really drives me crazy. But at least it is a great indicator of when to stop listening to someone.

[JimC]

Well I dunno

We seem to live in an age when customer care is a pretty low priority for a lot of companies I deal with. Forcing your staff to keep to the precise letter of a script, banning all initiative and refusing to delegate any responsibility or decision making capability to anyone in customer facing roles seem to be regarded as far more important.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Well I dunno

As an example of attitudes to customer care let me just leave this here: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-oxfordshire-53607183

[Anonymous Coward]

"The advantages of email marketing.."

Fsck email marketing.

[Anonymous Coward]

Why SAP consultants fail

"read it over and check for spelling- [sic] and grammar mistakes"

To state the obvious, it appears that SAP doesn't pay extra for spelling and grammar checkers.

Also I noticed that while they nod to cultural differences, there is no mention of the fact that some of their customers might actually be women.