Oh, the massive sky dong? Contrails from 'standard' F-35 training, US Air Force insists

Attempts by the US Air Force to keep up with its Navy pilot rivals in the fine art of contrail cock drawing is nothing of the sort, according to service flacks. This latest sky knob was the work of F-35 pilots flying from Luke Air Force Base in Arizona, and images quickly circulated online after it appeared on Tuesday. But a …

[Anonymous Coward]

Sure sure

Nothing to see here Citizen.....huh uh

[Anonymous Coward]

Admit it

Nothing says "Mine's bigger than yours" like flying an F35.

[quxinot]

Re: Admit it

^ Only because there's not a Blackbird up there anymore, sadly.

[Trollslayer]

Re: Admit it

BOOO!

There are plenty of Blackbird stories and I doubt any are exaggerated.

[Steve Todd]

Re: Admit it

I think this one is my favourite:

https://oppositelock.kinja.com/favorite-sr-71-story-1079127041

[normal1]

Re: Admit it

I am pretty sure there are other, newer designs, possibly flying on some super exotic fuel.....

[Steve Todd]

Re: Admit it

At least one:

https://hushkit.net/2019/04/01/revealed-us-admits-to-existence-of-top-secret-mach-6-rs-85-aurora-spyplane/

[phuzz]

Re: Admit it

I suspect many elReg readers would enjoy Hushkit. It's a fun blend of complete irreverence, and in depth geekery.

[Marty McFly]

Re: Admit it

Fascinating article on Hushkit. I had no idea. Amazing. Definitely worthy of its publication date.

[Denarius]

Re: Admit it

Yanks armed forces are looking at proposals to develop air superiority and ground support aircraft. In short, tacit acceptance of one size fits all has failed. Again. Rotary support proposals are also interesting with what look like two good proposals which are very different. I like the Raiden, simply because helicopters have lower disk loading. I digress.

However, Mach 6 aircraft are not on cards until hypersonic ram jets move from dodgy experimental set ups to reliable engineering. Even then, given both Russians and Yanks are both building very long range air to air rocket powered weapons, what would Mach 6 plus actually achieve other than a heat trail easily spotted from orbit ?

[JLV]

Re: Admit it

Like a Ferrari they sure seem to spend lotsa time at the garagist’s.

[Joe W]

Re: Admit it

Cruising around in one shows that you have at least two: this one and the one at the garage...

[JJKing]

Re: Admit it

It is more likely the pilots admitting that the F-35 is just a dick of an aircraft.

[TRT]

Who was that training again?

The 56th Fighter Wang?

Hmm...

[Anonymous Coward]

Checks radio transmission log...

Red 1, this is Red 2. Receiving? Over.

Red 2, this is Red 1. Receiving you loud and clear. Over.

Red 1, this is Red 2. Meatus over the rendezvous point. Over.

Red 2, this is Red 1. Copy that. Out.

[Blockchain commentard]

No one noticed they've moved Bagdad airspace into the USA?

[Rich 11]

It'll be in the CIA World Factbook eventually.

[Dan 55]

Obligatory Austin Powers

[Anonymous Coward]

The F-35. Such an absolute cock-up it's "unintentionally" drawing a huge cock up.

[Korev]

On the radio....

I wiggled the flaps and this happened Sir

[Anonymous Coward]

Standard Operating Procedure

What those who laugh at this don't realize is that this is, indeed, standard training. In the event of a tweet inspired war, the USAF will perform this maneuver to intimidate the enemy with a depiction of Donald's yuge penis.

[Chris King]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

To which the enemy will send up a sky-writer to spell out the word "AVERAGE".

[Korev]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

Or they'll get their errr biggest guy to Trump it...

[Francis Boyle]

A hand

doing the tiny gesture, surely.

[Mark 85]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

I'm waiting for Air Force One to do one.... popcorn is ready.

[Rich 11]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

If Air Force One is doing one it should be visible over Cornwall about now.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

Mushroom cloud?

[A.P. Veening]

Re: Standard Operating Procedure

the USAF will perform this maneuver to intimidate the enemy with a depiction of Donald's yuge penis.

Such a shame that this depiction is an enlarged model, by about 3,000,000 times.

[Anonymous Coward]

Where's the US Army?

USN: Check.

USMC: Check.

USAF: Check.

Army?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Where's the US Army?

They are good at cock ups.

https://themighty.com/2019/05/army-tweet-mental-health-veterans/

[Mark 85]

Re: Where's the US Army?

I don't think the Army has anything to generate a contrail... a missile or two maybe would do it.

[Korev]

Re: Where's the US Army?

The US Army's weapon handling skills are legendary...

[dfsmith]

Re: Where's the US Army?

The US Army does have a sizable quantity of choppers.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Where's the US Army?

> I don't think the Army has anything to generate a contrail...

They don't fly jets, very true, but they do have drones. I'd be happy with a cute little drone drawing.

[Kiwi]

Re: Where's the US Army?

USN: Check.

"Two Navy aviators who used their EA-18G Growler to draw a giant sky penis over Washington State have been disciplined, according to Navy officials."

Thanks. Best laugh I've had in ages! You just couldn't write this stuff...

Using a "Growler" to draw a dick... Beaut! :)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Where's the US Army?

There's a cockpit transcript of the convo between the pilot and the WSO here. Just watch the video. :-)

[Cederic]

Re: Where's the US Army?

Did they get a 1990s computer to read out the transcript? I haven't heard voice acting that bad since Mortal Kombat 4.

[Anonymous Coward]

Nothing says Truth, Justice, Freedom and the American Way like a big cock.

is it a bird?

is it a plane?

It's Air Force One.

[Anonymous Coward]

Given the Great Orange One's track record, I'd be more inclined to call it Air Farce One.

[Anonymous Coward]

Airange One

[Martin-73]

The explanation is legit

It's a standard manoeuvre to draw a cock when your 'crack pilot' is barely pubescent.

Uncle sam likes em young

[A.P. Veening]

Re: The explanation is legit

It's a standard manoeuvre to draw a cock when your barely pubescent pilot is on crack.

FTFY ;)

[Allan George Dyer]

Rather crude

Call me when someone does a complete sky dong, with epididymis and vas deferens in anatomical detail. That would be impressive.

[Fred Flintstone]

"Hah! We merely moved from dog fights to dick fights."

I'd say "pull the other one" but that could have its own consequences.

:)

_{(by the way, El Reg, could you maybe remove the trackers from URLs before you add them to articles? The functional part of one of the URLs ended at ".. base-says/")}

[Anonymous South African Coward]

And the Dong has a luminous nose.

[Antron Argaiv]

+1 for Edward Lear!

[vonBureck]

Hey, who let Jeremy Clarkson into an F-35?

[Rich 11]

No-one, given the number of times he chucked up in an F-15.

[martinusher]

I thought those things were supposed to be stealthy...

It would be typical of our modern approach to technology that we build a warplane at an insane cost that's absolutely invisible to anything except the naked eye.

What's that's also telling us is that while we might not be able to see the things on radar we certainly will be able to see them -- sooner or later -- by looking at the atmospheric disturbances they cause. I also suspect these things might not be quite as stealthy as the marketing department suggests which is why the US government is going ape about countries flying them near Russian air defence systems. (The first time one of these things gets shot down.....)

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I thought those things were supposed to be stealthy...

Altitudes where conditions are likely to cause contrails are routinely briefed to the aircrew prior to flight

[tip pc]

Re: I thought those things were supposed to be stealthy...

Contrails aren’t so easy to spot on moonless nights.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I thought those things were supposed to be stealthy...

Stealthy means hard to spot with X band radar beyond visual range, not invisible. The Russians fit imaging IR systems to spot and track them. The European and Chinese approach uses frequency agile ground radar and high speed data links to plane and missiles.

If anything does get within sight of an F-22 or F-35 then they've as good a chance of shooting them down as being shot down.

[Dedobot]

I'm pretty sure there was same story/pics few years ago with F-15 involved.

[eldakka]

Today's training flight.

Lead instructor in briefing room wielding a pointer: "OK Pilots, today we'll be practicing the following maneuvers..."

(Pointing to each maneuver listed on the board in turn)

"...the barrel roll,

Immelmann,

stall turn,

snap roll,

and the boner"

[jeffas]

Compare with US Navy response in 2017

It seems that the US Navy responds differently to such events: https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2017/nov/18/penis-in-the-sky-us-navy-pilots-grounded-over-obscene-drawing

[Anonymous Coward]

Oportunity Missed

maybe it's been said before, but surely these should be known as 'cocktrails'.

[Martin 63]

Reviewing the tapes?

Is it really still done that way?

[cortland]

Control says

Extend the linear segment.