back to article BOFH: The Idiot-ware Project and the Meaningless Acronym

"So I just need a bit of help with the O.I.A.A.P." the new Boss blurts, bowling into Mission Control with a folder tucked under his arm. ... "The Overarching Information And Architecture Project," the Boss says, too green to know whether our blank expressions are genuine or whether we're being obstructive. "You know you're …

  1. A K Stiles
    Coat

    I generally prefer hand tools,

    but sometimes the speed and efficacy of a nail gun is what's required!

    Calcium Chloride you say...

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: I generally prefer hand tools,

      "Calcium Chloride you say..."

      Anhydrous

      1. DJO Silver badge

        Re: I generally prefer hand tools,

        I was wondering about the Calcium Chloride as well,as a desiccant it would mummify the corpse and keep the smell down but that still leaves some incriminating evidence, perhaps Calcium Oxide (Quick Lime) would be a better alternative.

        1. W4YBO

          Re: I generally prefer hand tools,

          A local park & nature preserve is home to a half dozen Gray Wolves. As a treat, park staff will toss a road-kill deer that has been frozen solid into the wolf enclosure.

          The next morning, you can't tell it had been there (other than the wolves lying around contentedly.)

          1. DJO Silver badge

            Re: I generally prefer hand tools,

            Wolves are OK but not too easy to find, this dialogue from the movie "Snatch" might suggest a better route:

            Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs.

            You gotta starve the pigs for a few days...

            ...then the chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead.

            You gotta shave the heads of your victims and pull the teeth out...

            ...for the piggies' digestion.

            You could do this afterwards, of course...

            ...but you don't want to sieve through pigshit, do you?

            They will go through bone like butter.

            You need at least 16 pigs to finish the job in one sitting...

          2. el_oscuro

            Re: I generally prefer hand tools,

            Sometimes if you don't have access to wolves, standard office supplies like security forms and HVAC systems will do the job:

            http://dilbert.com/strip/2010-02-03

  2. chivo243 Silver badge
    Trollface

    The bosses name

    Steven Woolfe?

  3. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    One, no, two down.

    But how many more to go?

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: One, no, two down.

      "But how many more to go?"

      new PHBs and their sycophants are like cockroaches: step on one or two and three more jump out to take their place.

      1. quxinot

        Re: One, no, two down.

        "new PHBs and their sycophants are like cockroaches: step on one or two and three more jump out to take their place."

        Don't be defeatist. You should have a sense of pride and joy in your work. Stamping out a PHB always increases job satisfaction!

        1. Will Godfrey Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: One, no, two down.

          For a moment I read that as "job sanitation"

  4. Tabor

    huh ?

    "Especially a committee like this one which a scope so open-ended it could see you through to retirement."

    Spelling errors aside, why is this a bad thing for a true BOFH ?

    - could see you through to retirement

    - has the option to "research" "future technologies", preferably in an exotic part of the world, to make sure everything is "future-proof"

    - includes many meetings, with the bonus of extra playtime on <insert random mobe game of choice> while frowning and mumbling highly technical terms

    - said meetings might be held off-site, in a pub-like venue

    Honestly, I don't see the downside. Unless the infrastructure runs on 2 Raspberry Pi's and a usb disk instead of the blades and SANS that are on the books but have been replaced by a few rows of LED strips in the data center.

    1. theModge

      Re: huh ?

      Normally I'd agree hole heartily, but with a day of nothing but pointless meetings, not one of which involves the demon drink(s) I think possibly some actual work has it's attractions.

      1. Tabor

        @theModge : hole heartily

        Was that in reference to the anal gazing remark ?

        If so : well played. If not : who cares, it's Friday, have a pint.

        A tip maybe : if you expect to get an invite to such draining meetings, make sure your calendar is fully booked for 3 weeks and that the only free slots are on a Friday afternoon. It's frankly amazing how much faster those meetings go. The obvious exception : committees/workgroups with external consultants that are paid by the hour. Even then, it must be taken into consideration how much they are paid by the hour. If it's enough to cover a hefty bar bill, and they are not too obnoxious, it might turn into a win/win.

        1. Terry 6 Silver badge

          Re: @theModge : hole heartily

          I only caught up with this a month on. But for the record's sake - there is nothing more toe curlingly awful than being caught up in a meeting of a committee on a Friday afternoon -when one or two of the members don't seem to want to shut up so we can all go home.

      2. Robert Moore
        Coat

        Re: huh ?

        Normally I'd agree hole heartily,

        Freudian slip?

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: huh ?

      said meetings might be held off-site, in a pub-like venue

      That's a lot harder to organise than you might imagine. And, remember, it means spending more time with the odious twats on the Committee that you'd rather do almost anything, even work, to avoid!

      Seems like you just haven't spent enough time on committees. You'll learn!

      1. Tabor

        Re: huh ?

        Believe me, I have spent the time. Or "done the time" it, so to speak. And twats they may be from time to time, but in my experience every odious twat is a lot more likeable after a few drinks (in them, or in you, or preferably both). The trick is to find a few like-minded individuals in the committee, and form a sub-committee. You know, for "efficiency".

        I do agree that it's hard to organise, specifically when "organise" means not only to have your employer pay for your time (easy, you're in a meeting), but also for your "expenses". Unfortunately the days of hand written expense notes are long gone. Unintelligible hand written notes in soft crayon are no longer an option, and some "meeting venues" even offer detailed information on the receipt. A publican with a good nose for business (and possibly a small commission) can be a good friend in these cases.

        An even better friend is always the one person from accounting that likes the occasional pint, and is on the same committee.

        This is of course all hypothetical, since I would never partake in such endeavours, being a loyal employee. Perish the thought.

    3. Captain Scarlet
      Coffee/keyboard

      Re: huh ?

      "Spelling errors aside, why is this a bad thing for a true BOFH?"

      I'm so glad you haven't been on one of these types of meeting which drains the life out of you, once you have been to a few of these you will learn why people like me hide in a server room or repairing network sockets (Thankfully people are careless enough to regularly break at least one of two of them a month).

      1. Timo
        Thumb Up

        Re: huh ?

        No - getting involved is the best way to make sure that you don't get tasked with anything. I've just done this with a few "initiatives". Offering to RUN the committee (into the ground) is even better! You tell your daily taskmasters that you're too busy with the "task force", meanwhile you're in charge of said task force and get to use the whip on everyone there, making sure that you don't have any actual work to do besides taking credit for everything that is being done. As they say on fireworks: "light fuse and point away from body".

        The boss has the attention span of a housefly so in a month's time there will be another long-term plan to torpedo.

        Keep your friend close, and your enemies even closer! Or embrace, extend, extinguish!!! You have to beat them at their own game.

    4. Terje

      Re: huh ?

      I think this is just a ruse to be able to take over the committee, who may be in a better place to take over then the workgroup that already know about the ongoing work. This way there may be a two person committee that will need to suffer through a lot of meetings in inhospitable places like pubs, breweries, five star hotels and similar activities.

    5. Peter Ford

      Re: huh ?

      "Unless the infrastructure runs on 2 Raspberry Pi's and a usb disk instead of the blades and SANS that are on the books but have been replaced by a few rows of LED strips in the data centre."

      Shhh - you'll give the game away!

    6. Colin Millar

      Re: huh ?

      I remember an old boss of mine once told me

      "If someone gives you a problem to deal with nurture that problem, grow it and become an expert in the detail and minutiae - but never, ever solve that problem because, as soon as you do, someone will give you another one."

  5. Stoneshop

    C. An anal-gazing "Look-to-the-future" exercise,

    That would require either way more flexibility than any PHB has ever exhibited, or the use of tools (such as a mirror) which I can unreservedly say they're unable to master.

    1. John Robson Silver badge

      Re: C. An anal-gazing "Look-to-the-future" exercise,

      "That would require either way more flexibility than any PHB has ever exhibited, or the use of tools (such as a mirror) which I can unreservedly say they're unable to master."

      Who said their gaze was directed at their own...

      1. Stoneshop

        Who said their gaze was directed at their own...

        The fount of all wisdom can't be anything but the PHB's own arse.

    2. Sgt_Oddball

      Re: C. An anal-gazing "Look-to-the-future" exercise,

      It was never clear who's anus was being gazed at.......

    3. Captain DaFt

      Re: C. An anal-gazing "Look-to-the-future" exercise,

      When someone's head is up their arse...

      1. W4YBO

        When someone's head is up their arse...

        Tunnel vision, then.

    4. Marshalltown
      Pint

      Re: C. An anal-gazing "Look-to-the-future" exercise,

      AH - but even PHBs underestimate their personal flexibility in that regard. Were they capable of showing similar flexibility at parties they would crowned "limbo King" every time. But, sadly, that is never the case. The PHB flexibility is highly specialized, but quite undeniably extraordinary .in that small - ah - field of endeavour.

      Mine's the one - mmm, never mind.

  6. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    ooo

    "I emailed everyone but only got one response."

    obviously not counting numerous "I am out of the office on holiday , back next week" notices

    1. 's water music
      Trollface

      Re: ooo matron

      obviously not counting numerous "I am out of the office on holiday , back next week" notices

      That sort of personal data has too much value to give it up in an auto-response. Save it up for when someone actually challenges you over a failure to respond to their stupid email. You might never need to use it and be able to bank the excuse for another day

  7. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Oh Gawd Nooooo!

    (Believe me, not only IT depts suffer this plague).

    The first time I got asked(?) to be on one of these groups/committees/working parties I was young, keen and flattered. It's probably reasonable to say that that was when my enthusiasm died, slowly and agonisingly.

    I don't think I had any problem with the subject, whatever it was. Or even the time spent in a committee room with lots of self-important seat polishers. But the endless talking in circles about politically loaded (and usually - BOFH is right - predetermined) solutions that would not last five minutes back in the workplace, to ill-defined issues that didn't actually impact on the job in hand. And the endless gobbledygook "papers" that were valued inversely to the degree they could be understood. Gaah!!!!!!!!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Oh Gawd Nooooo!

      Not to mention the numerous "experts" that you have to listen to because politics demands it, people who are very good at Powerpoint but would not know the business end of a screwdriver until stabbed with one..

      Grr. Beer. NOW.

  8. Big_Boomer Silver badge

    Match Snappers!!

    Specifically meetings soooooo dull that the matchsticks you have propped your eyes open with SNAP! Death by Powerpoint! Meetings that even Buzzword Bingo can't help. Please, just shoot me.

  9. GlenP Silver badge
    Unhappy

    "...real nitty-gritty important stuff of deciding the font to use..."

    I failed to dodge being on a committee where this really did end up being a priority item (after naming the project). Waste of time, the Exec ignored the suggestions and went with their own and we had a corporate font anyway.

    1. TeeCee Gold badge
      Facepalm

      I once went for a drag in the basement smoking room to find the lead architect chain-smoking and pickling himself in coffee while looking remarkably pissed off.

      When I asked what the problem was, he replied that the Project Office had just rejected his entire suite of document submissions. Six months' work got the red X on it and as a result, he was going to get shitlisted for missing the deadline.

      The bullets he'd used on his bullet points were one font point too large...

  10. Pirate Dave Silver badge
    Pirate

    "Just a quick slap," I urge the Boss. "Then really put the slipper in when he goes down. It's the only thing he understands."

    Thanks, that made me chuckle. Our Helldesk guy is kinda like that. Always yapping, yapping, yapping, and taking 4 times longer to explain something than need be. Not fitting behavior for a nerd.

    1. Stoneshop
      Megaphone

      Helldesk

      Always yapping, yapping, yapping, and taking 4 times longer to explain something than need be.

      And of the helldesk night shift, this is the one who calls you at o'dark thirty, cheerily rattling off the entire call history up to the point where they decided to involve the duty sysadmin because whatever they had tried so far didn't solve whatever the problem was, and you're barely awake enough to realise that your autonomous nerve system has caused your hand to grab the phone and hold it to your ear.

      Need. Coffee. First.

  11. earl grey
    Pint

    It's finally Friday (somewhere in the universe)

    Have a beer.

  12. Frank N. Stein
    Devil

    LOL...

    Simon is my hero. We all know that we couldn't do any of this, but most of us have considered all of it.

    1. Mark 85

      Re: LOL...

      We all know that we couldn't do any of this

      What to bet? I know of several gentlemen in IT that no one knows what they are capable of. but they are legendary in the company.

      OTOH, no one ever asked why I had a roll of carpet and bag of quick lime sitting in the corner of the IT lab... maybe they thought they knew what I was capable of? Or fear.. afraid to find out?

    2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: LOL...

      I didn't know whether to laugh or cry halfway through reading this weeks story - in the end I did both.

      Used to be - in my youth - I would try to negotiate and work with these arrogant armholes (auto-correct is your friend) - these days I don't.

    3. Marshalltown
      FAIL

      Re: LOL...

      I came within a shirt button of letting one of my former PHBs back over a forty-foot (ca. 12 meter) cliff. But I did reach out and grab that button. Oddly, he never noticed. I had just demonstrated to him that despite his life-long conviction that he lacked depth perception, he actually did have it.

  13. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    If you've worked in a company long enough to have been on two or three projects you find that when you go into a fresh project meeting you'll know a good few of the faces.

    There'll be one or two you've worked with before

    There'll be or two you've learned to avoid.

    There may be one or two who are new to you actually know about the area of business involved. Your task in the first meeting is to identify them.

    From then on you get together with those from the first group because you know you'll end up doing the work between you, consulting with those from the last group as required and avoid as many of the rest of the meetings as possible. You'll miss nothing of importance and the job gets done.

  14. phat shantz
    Go

    Wonderful career advancement opportunities

    Participating in these committees, I discovered that the following techniques nearly always assure professional advancement.

    1. Falling asleep during the Sr. VP's presentation.

    2. Arriving late.

    3. Missing the meetings altogether.

    4. Restating the questions while never offering conclusions or recommendations in your submitted reports.

    5. Intentionally arguing against others' suggestions while suggesting exactly the same solution they suggested.

    These will result in one of two outcomes.

    You will either #1 get fired or #2 be promoted to Senior VP.

    Getting fired is preferable because you can immediately go on unemployment while you hire a shyster to sue the company for improper termination. This can be a tremendous windfall, even after the shyster takes his thirty percent.

    Becoming the Senior VP just means you must work extra hard at getting fired, allowing you to pursue outcome #1 above. Being Sr. VP carries with it so few real expectations besides those of being incompetent and sycophantic. Surpassing the mark already established by the previous Sr. VP will be difficult, but if you've been watching carefully, I'm sure you can do it.

    However, you will be setting the bar ever so much higher for the next Sr. VP. And it takes longer. The settlement for improper termination of a Sr. VP will be ever so much greater, though. As you know, you get out of life what you can plunder while everyone else is watching porn on their office computers.

  15. streaky

    "sycophantic"

    And we all know who the one respondent was - a crawly sycophantic toerag from the Hell Desk who thinks he can suck his way to the top by agreeing with every inane thought which crosses the Boss' mind.

    Psychopathic? Maybe?

    1. TSM

      Re: "sycophantic"

      Next time you see a word you don't recognise, check a dictionary before just assuming it's not a real word.

  16. Maty

    Outflanking from the extreme side

    Okay, let's say you work at a university. When involuntarily co-opted onto a committee take extensive notes (you'll need them for later, and it helps you to pass the time). Then as matters wend to a conclusion, point out that every third person pronoun needs changing to 'she or he' to reflect gender diversity.

    Then point out the focus of the programme is inherently patriarchial and does not reflect the need for inclusiveness in the student body and everyone needs to restart from scratch because of the total disregard the committee has shown for environmental issues. And disrespect for the LBGQTZYB community.

    Add that you'd like to help re-work the programme, but you have to go to a protest about the exploitation of Elbonian orphans in animal adoption centers. Mention racial issues somewhere.

    Because it's a university no-one dares disagree with you on any of these things, but a quiet consensus develops that you should never, ever be allowed to sit on a committee again.

    I chose universities because I know them, but every outfit has its own hot-button issues.

    Make the system work for you and you don't need quicklime.

  17. ShadowDragon8685
    Go

    Wait, wait, wait...

    Did the bastard make the Scyhophant and the PHB fight to the death with a nailgun to see which one got to survive? Because letting one of them live isn't really Simon's thing, is it?

    1. Number6

      No, I think he left them together in the box with the drum of calcium chloride.

  18. Marshalltown
    Headmaster

    Yolo

    There is in fact a Yolo County in California. That particular version of the word refers to a marsh (a good deal of the lower Sacramento Valley once upon a time).

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