Now you know why none of my devices shows messages on the lock screen :)
Ooh missus, get a grip on my notifications
YOU LOVE IT YOU SLAG This was, as alert followers of my column may recall, the first SMS text message I ever received on my first ever mobile phone, sometime during the last century. I did not bother to find out who sent it to me. It was a wrong number, of course... but not knowing with absolute certainty ensures that the …
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Friday 13th May 2016 09:55 GMT Anonymous Coward
English is particularly full of opportunities for puns. Probably more than any other language due to its mongrel heritage that needs a thesaurus for dinosaur meanings. The "Carry On" films were popular in other countries - but most of the verbal and visual puns passed unnoticed. The cultural context has probably changed even for a modern UK audience.
The original French "Asterix The Gaul" books were full of puns. Translators into the many other languages often had to invent their own puns based on local context. The first Swedish "Asterix and Cleopatra" translation failed to understand that puns were necessary. The second version found the right spirit.
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Friday 13th May 2016 10:03 GMT Franco
Asterix was brilliant for the different levels of humour. Kids love the cartoons, adults loved the puns and the comedic names.
On a related note of Carry-On levels of humour, as I was driving to work this morning I passed a lorry for a timber merchant. Their slogan is "Wood. Just the Way You Like It." In the words of Eric Idle, say no more!
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Friday 13th May 2016 10:24 GMT Voland's right hand
You think english is full of opportunities?
You have not deal with Slavic languages - especially Russian. Everything has 5+ meanings and everything is a double entendre. That made the life of censors in USSR lots and lots of fun :) Though even that cannot excuse them for allowing such gems as:
"Our history is a fairy tale, sprinkled with a few decorations of truth" (from this one: http://gb.imdb.com/title/tt0081256/)
I bet the poor guy who let that one through got fired shortly thereafter :)
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Friday 13th May 2016 13:16 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: You think english is full of opportunities?
You havent tried Mandarin then.
My wifes name means "Red Swan", or possibly "Flying Fruit".
Actually, there are dozens of possible meanings, but I like to tease her with the "Flying Fruit" one.
Thats not a gimp mask, just me having acupuncture.
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Friday 13th May 2016 09:56 GMT Efros
Notifications... Off
None of them are that important that I need to be jogged out of whatever I'm doing to attend to them. If it really is important try dialling the number and talk to me. App notifications get disabled the first time they make my phone vibrate or make unwanted noise, if the app is important I'll check it on a fairly regular basis.
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Friday 13th May 2016 16:02 GMT Barry Rueger
Re: Notifications... Off
Up vote! Why is it that every guy developing an app is convinced that it needs to notify me EVERY time it does something?
Or, in the case of news media apps, every time something happens to a footballer I don't care about, or in a far-flung country of even less interest.
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Friday 13th May 2016 11:11 GMT Paul Kinsler
Re: published article 'explaining' away illicit messages ;-)
That gave me a most brilliant idea for a research paper on Quantum Steganography, only I now see that someone's already done it. But I suppose that technically the topic here is anti-steganography, so maybe there's still an angle...
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Monday 16th May 2016 07:57 GMT Anonymous Coward
Not wrong...
Wikipedia explains it quite succinctly: LOL is an acronym or abbreviation for "laughing out loud" or "lots of love". The "lots of love" variant is still in use by some people I know who were born in the 1940s. I suspect (but can't be sure) that "LOL = lots of love" was in use long before the Internet was made available to the general public.
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Friday 13th May 2016 19:46 GMT Anonymous Coward
"My problem is with predictive text, "
I know this is a bit radical, and it may be a step too far, but you can get phones nowadays that have buttons with all the letters of the alphabet on them. (I keep as an emergency backup in the car an old Palm Pre 2 which works for phone and text, has a full keyboard and is the size of an old style phone. There are others for people who want nothing else, though some of them are now getting quite expensive in good condition).
I was in a Ford last week that had a built in satnav...and it had a 0-9 keyboard using the old phone key letters. What were they thinking? "We can use the software off a 1990 fax machine?"? Or "who wants user friendliness?" Do I really want an average of 15 button presses to enter a postcode?
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Saturday 14th May 2016 01:10 GMT swampdog
Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "
Ordinarily, when I get a courtesy car I'm not fussed. Saves walking. However, a few years ago I got given a new Renault Scenic. Now, I'm sure if I'd be able to read the manual (not included) I'd have been fine. I opened the glove box and all there was, was a card. I inserted it into the satnav. Questioned bypassed (not the owner) it proceeded to inform me it has recalculating my destination for the next three days. I removed said card. Radio on - same messages.
I hate French cars because everyone who drives them is a tosser. I hate them more so for making me a tosser. There's a tiny little 3-way switch buried near the handbrake - speed inhibitor. Wanking bastard thing doesn't cancel when you hit the gas.
Overtake 45mph car in nat speed limit, hit 50, it stops. Fucking computers. Some twat before me set it.
Big motor. No computer.
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Sunday 15th May 2016 15:52 GMT Anonymous Coward
Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "
"Luckily for me, it is 17 years old"
In fact, a completely different vehicle, just with the same name. And why the same name? Because manufacturers tend to stick with successful names, which is why there's no Ford Edsel nowadays and why Fiat has dropped a whole lot of names but stuck with the 500.
I guess my one-time possession of a BX qualifies me for tosserdom, but at the time it was the best Diesel you could get.
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Monday 16th May 2016 18:13 GMT x 7
Re: "My problem is with predictive text, "
"I guess my one-time possession of a BX qualifies me for tosserdom"
nothing wrong with a BX, that gas suspension made it one of the most comfortable cars even now, and also one of the most forgiving if you like throwing cars around. The self-leveling made it damned hard to unstick one when cornering at speed. Wish I still had mine
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Friday 13th May 2016 13:01 GMT not.known@this.address
"What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."
Before y'all slag off anyone who "mistakenly" thinks 'LoL' is 'Lots of Love' just think on this - the expression "lots of love" is older than "laugh(ing) out loud" so who got it wrong?
Besides, that is just one example of the fun and entertainment you can have with acronyms - take "FLA" for example. To an Airbus engineer it could be the A400M, the 'Future Large Aircraft'. To someone else, it could be 'Free Land Area', Free Land Access' or a 'Four Letter Acronym' (and yes, the irony of 'FLA' being 3 letters has been noted once or twice).
Just because you mean one thing doesn't mean everybody means the same.
Try being a techie in a business review meeting where the non-techies mean one thing and you mean something completely different...
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Friday 13th May 2016 13:29 GMT #define INFINITY -1
Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."
Agreed; certainly the sarcastic remarks directed at those who don't know the latest newspeak are just cheap shots - the kind expected from teenagers. (As an aside) AITOO who thinks that that LOL was invented by people who didn't know the well-established ROTFL?
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Friday 13th May 2016 13:53 GMT Teiwaz
Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."
"LOL was invented by people who didn't know the well-established ROTFL?"
- I've always* viewed 'LOL' as the text message equivalent of audience cue cards when used by someone trying to be funny.
* I say 'always', but the term only came to my attention a couple of years ago, probably long after it's peak popularity, and if my brain had a system monitor, working out 'ROTFL' would have registered on it.
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Friday 13th May 2016 15:55 GMT Hans Neeson-Bumpsadese
Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."
Just because you mean one thing doesn't mean everybody means the same.
Indeed. I remember watching TV news footage of some natural disaster or another, and remarking to my friend that what they needed was some C4 (meaning Command, Control, Communications & Computers) to help with the relief effort. His background is more in the shooty/explosiony side of the military rather than the supporting systems/logistics side of things, so "C4" means something very different to him.
From my remark, we both saw a way of the situation coming to a conclusion, but by very different means and with very different results.
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Saturday 14th May 2016 19:46 GMT Mark 85
Re: "What I say means what I want to say when I say it. More I cannot say."
Well.. there's the old saying about "no problem is so big that it can't be solved with the judicious application of high explosives". And those usually require (or should require unless you're of the "hey y'all watch this" brigade) some form of command, control, etc.
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Friday 13th May 2016 13:05 GMT Potemkine
The real tragedy
Even Half-life got into the act once by sending me a reminder while she was out that I should remove my pile of laundry from the airing shelf, thus: Ali, could you take your clothes off?
So sad you didn't catch her real intentions hat day, it could have been hot and glorious ^^
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Friday 13th May 2016 14:31 GMT Anonymous Coward
So, you regularly leave your phone unattended. With notifications set to show on the lock screen. Then you are surprised that someone else reads a message out of context and might have reached the wrong conclusion.
Notifications set to "Hide sensitive notification content". Phone auto-locks after 1 minute or when closing cover. With an unlock password/code/pattern/print. Phone is either in my hand, pocket, or locked away somewhere.
Never get any issues.
Smart watch linked to phone shows full notification text even when phone is locked which saves unlocking it regularly.
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Friday 13th May 2016 20:11 GMT Chemical Bob
I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number
Where I live we have four area codes for seven counties, people are always sending texts to the right-number-but-wrong-area-code. Couple of weeks ago got one that said:
"Drove by your cottage yesterday. Lookin great!"
To which I replied:
"Not anymore. Sold it to an Indian named Timmy."
Once had a woman convinced that I stole her friends phone when I told her I wasn't who she thought I was. She called me all sorts of horrible things, assured me of the legal hell I was in for and asked if I stole the phone myself or bought it from the person who did. I told her the phone was provided by my employer and that Verizon assigned the number so she'd have to take it up with them. She then called me an asshole and never spoke to me again. Sort of like most of my relationships with women, really.
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Saturday 14th May 2016 17:33 GMT John Brown (no body)
Re: I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number
"Where I live we have four area codes for seven counties, people are always sending texts to the right-number-but-wrong-area-code."
From your later mention of Verizon I assume you are in the USA. Is that right that mobile phones are "tied" to your local area codes? What happens if you are travelling out of area? Or move permanently to another area? From this side of the pond that seems like an odd way to distribute *mobile* phone numbers.
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Saturday 14th May 2016 19:52 GMT Mark 85
Re: I have fun with texts sent to the wrong number
I live and worked (now retired) in one area code. The company HQ and main IT is another about 300 miles away. My work phone (now my private phone) has the area code of the main office. People always think I'm visiting from out of town when I give them my cell number. I kept that number when I retired as everyone I knew had it and I couldn't be arsed to send out a new number.
It does create a few problems though.. like calling 911 (it automatically routes the old HQ area) and occasionally with the locals who try to dial it using the local area code.
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Saturday 14th May 2016 00:39 GMT swampdog
In the words of some real/cartoone character..
You look stressed, I invite you into my masterbatorium.
Android game idea. The squirrel, called Timmy, has to collect nuts. In order to do this he needs to fill a sack he is carrying. The game is simple. Let us call it "Timmy's nutsack".
Is this a pegi3 or 18? Well it depends.
Timmy has to fill his sack. Once he's filled his nutsack he's obliged to empty it into the nearest hole.
Please croud-source my company because who would not want to hear embarrassed parents when their child yells in a restaurant, "Mummy, Timmy has emptied his sack!"
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Saturday 14th May 2016 01:54 GMT Andrew Jones 2
What?! What sort of super expensive hyper phone did you have that could store 20 messages at once?! All mine could only store 10, on the SIM card as the idea of saving messages in memory didn't exist. I used to wait until the Orange network fell over, at which point you could send as many SMS' as you wanted without your credit being used.... This meant sending every letter of the alphabet to your friends, with each letter in a separate SMS, was great fun, partly because once people noticed the network had crashed, and took full advantage of it - it could take days to deliver those SMS' and generally the network liked to deliver the same SMS anything from 1 to 20 times (presumably because the acknowledgement from the phone to the network that it had received the message already - never made it through) but also because the inability of the phone to hold more than 10 messages at once, meant you were on average going to have to delete all your messages at least 5 - 6 times before you stopped receiving letters of the alphabet........