back to article Prison butt dialler finally off-hold after 12-day anal retention marathon

Australian prisoner Constantine “Kon” Gergiou's protestations that an object detected in his innards was a metal fragment left after surgery have been proven false, after he yesterday passed a mobile phone. Georgiou is a convicted triple murderer, having been found guilty of doing away with three members of a rival motorcycle …

  1. Number6

    So he passed a cell phone and ended up in cell without a phone.

    Any details about the phone model? An iPhone or Galaxy S4+ or similar might have been somewhat painful.

    1. Captain DaFt

      "Any details about the phone model?"

      <joke> It was a Kin. He volunteered for solitary to get away from the taunting. </joke>

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Lets all hope it wasn't a motorola dynatac...

    2. Richard Boyce

      I suspect the volume of 12 days of backed up shit would far exceed the volume and pain of any phone. The final relief must've been quite considerable.

    3. MyffyW Silver badge

      There isn't enough sudocrem in the world to even contemplate 12--days ... ouch

      1. TRT Silver badge

        I wonder what he will call his prison memoirs...

        From Android to Haemorrhoid?

        From Blackberry to Dangleberry?

        Twelve days à salve?

        Jobs Phone to Jobbie Phone?

    4. Michael Thibault
      Coat

      >Any details about the phone model?

      Any details about who fingered him?

      Why, yes, that is my coat...

  2. Martin-73 Silver badge

    Iphone 7... he now needs reconstructive surgery

  3. Neoc

    Surely...

    ...it was a Nokia 3310 - after all, it was revealed when he shat bricks.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well

    Whatever the model, it was a shitty phone anyway.

    It came out ringing and the guard said, " go ahead, answer it. I dare ya.'

    1. Mark 85
      Devil

      Re: Well

      In which case, he should have answer it and handed it to the guard...."It's the warden and he wants to talk to you".

  5. Oengus

    Reports said that the prisoner had been placed in an observation cell while they waited for the phone to be passed. I wonder how much you had to piss off the warden to be assigned to the observation duty. 12 days watching for a prisoner to pass a phone. I can't think of much worse of a job.

    And still there is no mention of the type of phone but you can bet it was smarter than the prisoner...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      I wonder how much you had to piss off the warden to be assigned to the observation duty. 12 days watching for a prisoner to pass a phone. I can't think of much worse of a job.

      You really need some BOFH lessons. All you should have done is take up smoking, and he'd be worrying every time he needed to fart :)

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well..

    .. shit.

    :)

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    I assume he was getting a bum signal?

    I know, I know... coat... leaving...

  8. OzBob

    I can see a marketting opportunity here

    a cell phone whose constituent parts can be broken down into small pieces without sharp edges, and can be cleaned and re-assembled quickly. Seriously, why has no-one thought of it before?

    Call it the "porridge" or something.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I can see a marketting opportunity here

      Didn't Google talk about making a phone where you could upgrade various pieces? The problem will be that the screen is not much smaller than the entire phone.

      Hopefully he was using an old school feature phone like the Nokia 8860. We've all passed bigger shits that than before so at least it wouldn't have hurt him on the way out. Can't imagine the screaming if he had a Nexus 6!

    2. Snapper

      Re: I can see a marketting opportunity here

      Or 'Stir'?

  9. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

    4G?

    Long Term E̶v̶o̶l̶u̶t̶i̶o̶n̶ Evacuation

  10. This post has been deleted by its author

  11. CheesyTheClown

    Hmm... strange... no butt plug phones

    I googled and searched on eBay for butt plug phones and came up with nothing.

    It seems like prisoners would probably pay out large amounts of cigarettes to get their... hands (maybe other parts) on a phone shaped to be "safely stored" in their asses.

    Maybe HTC should work on one of these... it seems to be an optimal fit for their business model... I think it might be best to refer to it as a disposable model... preferably not for recycling.

    1. JetSetJim

      Re: Hmm... strange... no butt plug phones

      Apparently these are rather popular with the incarcerated. I would rather imagine it would be stored inside some latex tube of some description, probably of the "extra-safe" variety to further reduce the effect on sensitive parts

      1. AndyS

        Re: Hmm... strange... no butt plug phones

        The alternative phone suggested by Amazon, called "Beat The Boss" (where the Boss is, from the reviews, apparently the name of the metal detector used on entrance to Her Majesty's facilities) appears to be a more, well, comfortable shape. Almost deliberately so.

        The reviews and Q&As are hilarious, in an enlightening way, and actually don't appear to be jokes:

        > Q: Would this phone set off the metal detector at a federal courthouse?

        > A: I would think it is very unlikely, it has only a tiny amount of metal in it's construction, far less than the amount of metal I have as bridge-work on my teeth and I don't set of metal detectors. I do know that it is not detected by the "Boss" chair, designed to find metal contraband in UK prisons.

        Review (5*, 9 of 10 found helpful):

        >...this phone will indeed "beat the the boss". This coupled with how easy and painless it is to hide, has led to the order of two more for friends.

  12. Elmer Phud

    Afters

    Following the delivery of the said mobe -- what state was his ring tone?

    1. kmac499

      Re: Afters

      Ooooh Ding Dong Ding Dung...

      What would we call any photos taken Smellfies...

  13. davenewman

    Is this the place to ask for ...

    Pictures or it didn't happen?

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: Is this the place to ask for ...

      I don't think I (or anyone I know) would want to see Goatsephone

  14. x 7

    well, he crapped out

  15. magickmark

    This phone http://www.amazon.co.uk/SMALLEST-THINNEST-J8-Bluetooth-Headphone/dp/B00O586YB2/ref=pd_bxgy_23_img_z looks like it could be used for that purpose although some of the reviews slate it as being poor quality, but at £26.95 I'd not expect it to be the best quality. Almost tempted to get one just because!

    1. Toltec

      No, its a car key, honest

      http://www.amazon.co.uk/BMW-Luxurious-Limited-Unlocked-Lighter/dp/B00YCJE9UW

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Now we know why Apple is..

    Now we know why Apple is so fiercely protective of their 'Rounded Corners' Design Patent.

  17. All names Taken
    Mushroom

    About time ...

    ... that mess got cleared up?

  18. Commswonk
    Mushroom

    Remember the old saying...

    Shit happens...

    Eventually.

    (Not really the best icon, but close enough...)

  19. TRT Silver badge

    So the mobile finally succumbs..

    to the Plain Old Telephone, Thank You.

  20. Anonymous Coward
    Flame

    Li-ion batteries

    He's lucky it didn't spontaneously combust.

  21. MAF
    Joke

    0.99p starting bid

    In other news - Cheap mobile phone now listed on Ebay...

    One previous owner.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Did it have pootooth?

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Go

    I bet he voided his warranty...

    But then, he voided the phone too.

  24. Anonymous Tribble

    Which network was it on? Could it have been a 3rd?

  25. Stevie

    Bah!

    Did the fiendish Australian screws deploy the dreaded "Banana Method" of internally stowed swag recovery?

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Bah!

      Banana phone?

  26. David Roberts
    Alert

    All the painful shit jokes...

    ....conveniently ignore the fact that he must have performed the slightly more difficult and uncomfortable (unless of course you like that kind of thing) act of pushing the handset "upstream" some time earlier.

    Whatever, the thought still makes me wince.

    1. Cynical Observer
      Trollface

      Re: All the painful shit jokes...

      Bear in mind - the more you clench, the tougher it gets.

      1. MyffyW Silver badge

        Re: All the painful shit jokes...

        The phone did say it really loved him, it would be gentle and it wouldn't go bragging to it's mates afterwards. I would like to suggest the phone may not have been entirely truthful.

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