back to article You have a 'simple question'? Well, the answer is NO

Old Man by Neil Young I am accosted in a shop by an aged gentleman with a posh accent, impeccable manners and a dripping nose. “Excuse me, I have a simple question.” Confession: I am in a suburban Apple Store so you may be inclined to think I deserve whatever I get simply for being there. In my defence, let me assure you I …

  1. Dan 55 Silver badge

    You sure you found him the cultural centre?

    I only ask because it looks like one of those towers in Oblivion.

    Architecture, eh?

  2. Decade
    Paris Hilton

    Apple doesn't change connectors often. That is not the problem.

    I don't know why you're complaining about the Apple connector, Dobbs. Apple has changed the connector only 2 times in the 13 years since the release of the iPod (from Firewire to 30-pin, and from 30-pin to Lightning), and they've used the Lightning connector for 2 years already. Likewise, Apple laptops have changed power connectors just 3 times in the past 16 years. I know you're slowing down in your old age, but I think this complaint is something you should keep to yourself.

    In the same time, other companies have gone from proprietary mini-barrels to mini-USB to micro-USB to micro-USB 3, and now they're contemplating USB 3.1 type C. And you almost never can use the same power adapter for 2 different PC laptops, even from the same manufacturer.

    What annoys me is that the Apple cord designs seem to be inspired by explosive seed pods. Bring your cable around and use it regularly, and before long the shell is splitting apart and the wires are unraveling. I get around that by exploiting the power-efficiency of Safari and the marvelous battery life, to leave my power cable safely at home. And Apple charges way too much for their cables; you should be buying Lightning cables on sale from an online retailer like NewEgg.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Apple doesn't change connectors often. That is not the problem.

      Already I see you need an adapter to change "Dobbs" into "Dabbs".

      1. James O'Shea

        Re: Apple doesn't change connectors often. That is not the problem.

        He's having 'Dr Dobbs' withdrawal pains.

    2. Dan 55 Silver badge

      Re: Apple doesn't change connectors often. That is not the problem.

      I notice you didn't mention display adaptors and if you need several you end up needing another bag and probably an airport trolley for the bag.

      http://store.apple.com/uk/accessories/all-accessories/cables-docks

      1. phuzz Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Apple doesn't change connectors often. That is not the problem.

        It's not that bad though, they're so bloody expensive that your wallet will get lighter to compensate.

  3. lawndart

    says:

    I too have been wary of being accosted by old men ever since that time at a wedding where some old sailor went waffling on about albatrosses for what seems like hours.

    An octogenarian friend (genuinely an old sailor) was introduced to computers about five years ago.

    I helped him out with some of the basics and he picked things up really quickly.

    He still considers himself as incapable but seems to have the same skill level as most people as far as computers are concerned.

    The old folk asking questions are not necessarily the ones to be wary of. It's the new accountant at work who asks things like, "You know how to use Excel. How do I add up a column of figures easily? Is there a formula you can show me?"

    1. silent_count

      Re: says:

      I've got a lot of time for older people. They helped me when I couldn't walk without their help and now they have trouble walking without mine. What goes around comes around (as the Igors say).

      The one which I have the hardest time explaining is, "why does the writing have to be so small?"

      Sure, it's trivial to increase the font size but the UI elements don't scale well. Or maybe the heavens align and they do scale but now you've got a jumble of nicely scaled fonts and UI elements cramped and overlapping in a window which hasn't changed size.

      While I understand how the underlying clusterfuck came to be but explaining why it is and, more importantly, why it hasn't been fixed is just too dizzying.

      1. Doctor Evil
        Coat

        Re: says:

        "The one which I have the hardest time explaining is, "why does the writing have to be so small?"

        Sure, it's trivial to increase the font size but the UI elements don't scale well. Or maybe the heavens align and they do scale but now you've got a jumble of nicely scaled fonts and UI elements cramped and overlapping in a window which hasn't changed size.

        While I understand how the underlying clusterfuck came to be but explaining why it is and, more importantly, why it hasn't been fixed is just too dizzying."

        Ah, you've switched your attention to the new El Reg interface now. That discussion is actually over here (or here)

    2. James O'Shea

      Re: says:

      'The old folk asking questions are not necessarily the ones to be wary of. It's the new accountant at work who asks things like, "You know how to use Excel. How do I add up a column of figures easily? Is there a formula you can show me?"'

      That one's easily solved. Tell them that it's a two-step operation:

      1 select the column in question

      2 press the 'DEL' for 'DELIBERATE' key. Excel will then deliberate a while and give you the answer. You may have to wait up to a half hour.

      You then walk away, whistling "The Guns of Brixton".

    3. joeW

      Re: says:

      No, the ones you really have to watch out for are the beancounters who know how to use Excel and absolutely fuck-all else . They'll use Excel as a spreadsheet, as a database, as a reporting server, as a word processor, as a design tool, as every fucking thing you can imagine through the use of ancient and hideous VB Macros and obscure eldritch data connectors.

      Then one day, when the crude OS they've Frankenstein-created from their spreadsheet goes tits-up, who do they call? And more to the point, whose fault do they reckon it is?

    4. phuzz Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: says:

      A friend of mine doing VSO was once confronted by a whole office who would type a column of numbers into a spreadsheet, and then get out a calculator to add up the column.

      After she showed them the magic of SUM() they said she'd pretty much doubled their efficiency.

  4. Zog_but_not_the_first
    WTF?

    A helping hand

    No, the ones to watch out for are those who, after you've sorted out their malware-stuffed fragmented full-of-crap machine rap on your door shouting "You've broken my computer!". A full year later. Really.

    1. frank ly

      Re: A helping hand

      As the 'local expert', once you've touched a computer, you are then responsible for all its actions or lack of actions from that point on.

      Good advice from an ex-neighbour of mine: Never let anyone on the local Neighbourhood Watch or Church Committee, etc. know that you have a computer and a colour laser printer.

      1. VinceH

        Re: A helping hand

        "Good advice from an ex-neighbour of mine: Never let anyone on the local Neighbourhood Watch or Church Committee, etc. know that you have a computer and a colour laser printer."

        Or even just family.

        I'm sure I print more for other people than I do for myself.

        1. Richie 1

          Re: A helping hand

          > I'm sure I print more for other people than I do for myself.

          Hi VinceH,

          I notice that you have a printer. If I email you some documents could you print them for me and post them back. Oh and by the way I live in the middle east. Thanks.

          1. VinceH
            Happy

            Re: A helping hand

            "I notice that you have a printer. If I email you some documents could you print them for me and post them back."

            Even easier, I can just enable remote printing so you can print them yourself... the password is 'muggins' ;)

    2. Mark 85
      Facepalm

      Re: A helping hand

      Reminds me of many years ago when I fiddled with cars. The mother-in-law's car radiator started leaking. As I was the only one that family who knew which end of a screwdriver to use, I dutifully set about removing, repairing, and re-installing said radiator. Three months later, a call: "What did you do that killed my radio?". Live and learn. I get asked now about what do I know about.....? and I start mumbling is something that passes for an obscure dialect in Mexico.

  5. Ben Liddicott

    Awwwww!!! Sweet :-)

    What a lovely man :-)

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I like to think

    the old man was actually a WW2 veteran and wanted to remember his fallen comrades by walking those streets one last time.....

    1. Contrex

      Re: I like to think

      What part of World War 2 took place in Spain? Is history teaching in the UK really that bad nowadays?

      1. davenewman

        Re: I like to think

        He probably was a Spanish Civil War volunteer, thinking back to his meetings with Franco

      2. GBE

        Re: I like to think

        > What part of World War 2 took place in Spain? Is history teaching in the UK really that bad nowadays?

        The spying part. Based on what I've read, about 2/3 of the population of Spain during WWII were spying, trying catch spies, pretending to spy, on their way somewhere else to go spying, on their way home after spying for one side or the other.

        1. Bloakey1

          Re: I like to think

          "The spying part. Based on what I've read, about 2/3 of the population of Spain during WWII were spying, trying catch spies, pretending to spy, on their way somewhere else to go spying, on their way home after spying for one side or the other"

          Even the dead ones washed up on the beaches were suspect or are you telling me that, that was the man who never was? (1.)

          Portugal as well, a veritable nest of vipers.

          1. Now accepted as being Glyndwr Michael, buried in Huelva which is quite close to me. His grave stone says it is the body of William Martin. "Y Dyn Na Fu Erioed" = "The Man Who Never Was" .

        2. James O'Shea

          Re: I like to think

          There were lots of spies. And a lot of Spanish 'volunteers' went to the Eastern Front (and to such vacation spots as Leningrad) as the Blue Division; once it became clear to Franco that the Axis couldn't possibly win (late 1943, showing that he was a lot brighter than the Germans) he ordered 'em back, repeating the order in March 1944 for the hard of hearing. Some wouldn't leave, and became the Blue Legion; a few of them were incorporated into SS Divisions Nordland and Wallonien, and fought alongside the French SS volunteers ('Charlemagne') in Berlin in late April and early May 1945. Nordland and Charlemagne held the area around the Reich chancellory on 1 and 2 May, 1945, and fought hard for the express purpose of denying the Soviets a propaganda victory when the Soviets tried to take the position in time for May Day. (1 May, for the non-bolshie among you. those who don't know the significance of the day are invited to look it up.)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: I like to think

        > What part of World War 2 took place in Spain?

        There was this little incident where the Germans practiced bombing a small Basque town named Guernica? Maybe you've heard of it?

        There's a famous painting by Picasso about the incident too

        1. James O'Shea

          Re: I like to think

          "There was this little incident where the Germans practiced bombing a small Basque town named Guernica? Maybe you've heard of it?"

          Yep. I also heard that that particular incident occurred during the Spanish Civil War, which ended 1 April 1939, or roughly five months before WWII began (1 Sept 1939 according to most histories; perhaps yours is different.). The bombing of Guernica itself took place 26 April 1937, or better than two years prior to the beginning of the Second World War.

          it is true that there was considerable fighting in China starting in about 1937 and which continued to 1945. It is also true that the Italians went into Ethiopia in 1935. Those incidents, and the Spanish Civil War, and assorted other actions, (Red vs White in Russia, 1918-192whatever, Soviet vs Finland, assorted internal actions in Italy, Germany, Russia/Soviet Union, France, Britain, the US...) are not considered to be part of the Second World War, though they may have led to it or merged with it. (Hint: there's a _reason_ why Dug-Out Doug McArthur was sitting in the Philippines feeling sorry for himself in December 1941. And why the only VC every won by a member of the King's African Rifles was won in Ethiopia. And why the Italians in Ethiopia kept fighting until _after_ the rest of Italy gave up, including being the _only_ Italian force in the entire war to actually take and hold allied territory without Germans to hold their hands. See further 'KAR solider wins VC', above.)

          Now, if you can produce a good reason for saying that the Second World War in Europe started prior to 26 April 1937 I'm willing to listen. But it's gonna have to be _damn_ good.

          So far as can be determined, no actual fighting related to the general conflict in Europe/North Africa/the Med/the near east took place in Spain 1 Sept 1939 to 8 May 1945. Or even to 15 Aug 1945. Again, if you have something which would dispute or at least clarify this, by all means trot it out.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: I like to think

      the old man was actually a WW2 veteran and wanted to remember the fun he had with the dubious ladies walking those streets late at night

      one last time.....

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Farting gnats

    are the source of considerable stress. Usually all you hear is a faint 'click!' sound. Hard drives have been junked in the mistaken belief they're failing!

    The most astonishing part, though, is that the sound is actually a sonic boom!

    1. WylieCoyoteUK
      Coat

      Re: Farting gnats

      Just hope it doesn't follow through.

  8. Aleph0
    Facepalm

    Good of him to not know anything about computers but still be aware that there's something called Street View...

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Exactly. Glad to know that someone's reading.

  9. Shadow Systems

    Dang it, where's the fun in that?

    You didn't even point him at 4Chan, 2G1C, LemonParty, or Goats?

    How are you supposed to get folks to stop pestering you for advice if you don't fek with their heads for doing it?

    Like telling him he has to lick his finger in order to "turn the page" on that ipad, so one of the actual employees runs over screaming when they see some schmuck drooling on the screen?

    Or giving the machine a hard reset & telling him that you'll be right back after getting (a chair, a glass of water, your reading glasses, whatever) and then leaving him there to explain to an employee why he's breaking the shiny toys?

    Or if you knew you were going into that store, why not don the thin, clear plastic gloves with the greasy fingers, and goop up all the screens in the place? Toss the used gloves in the bin, grab the dongle, and head for the counter. You'll look like any other inquisitive customer, and when you approach the register with an item to purchase, they'll be too happy to remember your having touched everything along the way. This will make itself clear once you leave & the other customers start complaining that everything smells like arse ointment...

    "Chaos, Confusion, & Death in my wake. My job is done here." isn't just a business slogan, it's the only way to survive!

    ...

    *Cough*

    I'd get my coat, but it seems to be fueling the fire over on aisle seven where that Yoof Chav and his buddies were standing. Now if you'll pardon me, I feel the urge to leave in a rather quickish stride.

    *Grins*

  10. Neal Stephenson
    Pint

    Nice one Dabsy

    Just firing up "Harvest"

    Have a beer >>>>>>

  11. Dr_N

    I blame the T-Shirt

    In the good old days people who worked in shops wore shirts. Maybe even ties.

    Now they dress like everyone else. And woe betide you if you walk into any outlet wearing the same coloured tee-shirt as the staff. You will be swamped.

    And the people are bloody rude if you nicely explain you don't work there.

    So it's better to tell them to, "**** off" to pre-empt their rudeness.

    1. The Corner of Moron

      Re: I blame the T-Shirt

      My company used to buy blue shirts with yellow embroidered logos on for all it's staff.

      I lost count of the times I'd been shopping in Ikea after work and was accosted by EVERYONE asking everything from "Where are there more of these lamps?" "Where are the toilets?" "Where is the exit?"

      Like everyone who enters Ikea....I can answer none of these questions.

  12. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    IMHO, we need more old people using computers.

    Sometimes it helps to turn your point of view 180°.

    The people trying Ubuntu here seem to highlight less inspired UI logic with razor sharp accuracy. If this had been done repeatedly for a year with UI designers actually paying attention, Linux could eventually have a shot as being a desktop, mainly because you'd have a band of by then IT savvy octogenarians you could embarrass the rest with :).

    Caveat: in a shop it's slightly different - I'd state that I didn't work in the shop first. Having said that, I had a lovely experience in IKEA once where someone took me for staff and was rude to me. I made this guy so absolutely furious in response that he started asking for the manager to complain about me. Staff had already spotted what was going on and much grinning was had (also by bystanders) when the manager explained to the idiot that I wasn't staff (he never asked, and once he'd made the initial mistake he was mine, all mine.. ).

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: IMHO, we need more old people using computers.

      " If this had been done repeatedly for a year with UI designers actually paying attention..."

      Whoah, there buddy! What are the chances of that happening? Be honest, if UI designers were paying attention, they wouldn't even need the testers. They could just sit back, take a look at their work and thing "Bloody hell. What was I thinking. Hmm. I'd better get rid of that before anyone else sees it.".

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: IMHO, we need more old people using computers.

        UI designers

        I do get the feeling, after 40 or so years of computer using, that UI designers ( and latterly Microsoft executives) don't actually understand people. UIs are so often logical, but not intuitive. Stuff isn't where you'd want it to be, labeled in ways that you's expect them to be labeled, or accessed the way you'd expect to access it.

        1. cantankerous swineherd

          Re: IMHO, we need more old people using computers.

          I've got one like that, adobe as it happens.

    2. Johndoe888

      Re: IMHO, we need more old people using computers.

      Some of those old people are the ones that built the internet, and know more about it than many of the folks reading this !

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Lost train passengers

    The reason you attract hordes of needy travellers at train stations is simple: you can't possibly be less helpful than the people who work there.

    1. Terry 6 Silver badge

      Re: Lost train passengers

      You've been to Watford Junction then.

      No arrivals board, but there's a tiny monitor that is supposed to show arrivals. They use it for generic messages instead, most of the time. Even though there's another enormous screen showing even more useless messages, nearby. Staff behind the counter sometimes know how long the delayed train will be. If you actually know it's delayed and if you can face waiting in the queue. And the guy on the barrier is really nice, but knows nothing.

  14. swampdog

    @Alistair

    "I am accosted in a shop by an aged gentleman with a posh accent, impeccable manners and a dripping nose."

    Have you met my mother?

  15. herman

    Coming out party

    Dabbsy in an Apple store? Seriously? What has the world come to?

    At least, I buy my Apple kit online, to keep a safe distance.

    1. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Coming out party

      Apple Store on the web doesn't offer a one-hour delivery service, nor any discounts for purchasing online. The nearest physical Apple Store, on the other hand, is a 20-minute stroll away from my front door and I don't have to guess at which of the 14 billion adapters to buy based on ambiguous one-sentence descriptions and tiny generic photos of white bits of plastic on white backgrounds.

  16. miket82

    The real answer

    No nothing (phew) about Apples but I do know the answer to the meaning of life. IT'S 42.

    Or, for the nerds that's equal to 00110100 00110010

    1. Captain DaFt

      Re: The real answer

      Fun Factoid: In Japanese, 42 translates to shi ni, which alternately means "to die."

    2. Martin
      FAIL

      Re: The real answer

      OK - you should assume nerds will check your working.

      00110010 in binary is 50 in decimal. 42 is 00101010.

      And typing it twice is either 50 50 or a largish number I can't be bothered to work out.

      1. Swarthy

        Re: The real answer

        His working was a bit odd; not in the maths department but rather his type casting. The binary was 52 50, which is ASCII for '42'. A bit the long way, and kind of awkward, but accurate.

        Kind of makes sense though, that in this universe The Answer would be a string representation of a number, probably a mis-cast at that.

  17. tony2heads

    reason for being accosted

    The trouble is that you look intelligent.

    This is a huge handicap in any store populated by morons and sales droids.You may know nothing about the stuff actually there but if you look like you might know you are a target.

  18. Oninoshiko

    Awww

    I knew you where just a big softie, Alistair!

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