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back to article Space Jam: UK debuts space squadron to protect satellites

Britain’s Royal Air Force has gained some space cadets, in the form of No. III Space Effects Squadron, tasked with protecting critical satellites that the UK relies on for communications and navigation. Air Chief Marshal Sir Harvey Smyth announced the new unit at an inaugural UK Space Power Conference in London, saying it will …

  1. that one in the corner Silver badge

    Jam?

    Sir, we are British and start our days with a robust marmalade, not jam.

    A chunky dark blend at orbital speeds will take out any dastardly foreign satellite, followed by a fine cut salvo to mop up the fragments: they'll be Golden Shredded before the tea has time to cool.

    Tally ho!

    1. Jonathan Richards 1 Silver badge

      Re: Jam?

      Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Jam?

        Stoke me a clipper,

        I'll be back for Christmas.

        Whatever.

        1. Gavsky

          Re: Jam?

          I'm hoping that was a naval-related quip, in which case you win the Interweb for a day. However, I got bogged-down in considering whether a Clipper required stoking, being a sailing ship - although I know there was an intermediate sail/steam version. Yes, I don't get out much...

          1. that one in the corner Silver badge
            Alien

            Re: Jam?

            It is all explained in the documentary Stoke me a clipper.

            (but I think you may need to look at Dimension jump first; although, to understand why *that* is good you'll need to look at, well, all 22 preceding episodes, really).

            What a guy.

            (Icon: finally, an alien!)

  2. elsergiovolador Silver badge

    Progress

    Maybe we should drop satellites and develop satelfulls?

    1. Gavsky

      Re: Progress

      Absolutely! It worked for the SATA bus, which had a similar, non-descript existence until renaming. Probably...

  3. Natalie Gritpants Jr

    Air Chief Marshal Sir Harvey Smyth

    Who's going to tell him there's no air up there?

    1. Bebu sa Ware Silver badge
      Windows

      Re: Air Chief Marshal Sir Harvey Smyth

      No relation to Algy's mechanic, flight sergeant Smyth ?

      Biggles in Spain Space — assisted by Algy and Ginger.

      I don't think W E Johns ever managed to get Biggles that far aloft even though he did also write juvenile space faring scifi.

      Once two players up there commence being extremely rude to each other and (the rather apt metaphor) the shit hits the fan LEO will be a hell of a mess.

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Air Chief Marshal Sir Harvey Smyth

      Who's going to tell him there's no air up there?

      You just bring your own with you. Problem solved. Bish! Bash! Bosh!

      I'm a bit disgusted that the world's Air Forces have got in on the space act first, and persuaded the politicians to give them the budget. Sci-Fi demands that we have Space Navies dammit!

  4. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Days to destroy, years to replace

    > tasked with protecting critical satellites that the UK relies on for communications and navigation.

    They'd better make sure the protection they offer is 100% effective.

    In the time of (space) war, those nations with launch capabilities will have their schedules filled with replacing their own destroyed satellites. There will be no capacity for replacing those of other country's. Even if the UK did happen to have replacement satellites on a shelf somewhere, ready to go.

    1. annodomini2

      Re: Days to destroy, years to replace

      TBF there is so much stuff up there now, you would likely be heading towards a kessler syndrome up there in fairly short order if a serious war broke out.

    2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: Days to destroy, years to replace

      They'd better make sure the protection they offer is 100% effective.

      I'd like to see how they manage to protect against a couple of nukes going off in LEO...

      Of course, you *could* build satellites that had some EMP-proofing but they'd be much, much bigger than the ordinary ones (hence, more expensive and harder to launch)

  5. steelpillow Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Laser blast from the past

    I must confess, that having once worked for B.Ae as an electromagnetics engineer next door to their Space division, I rather like this one.

    "Carry on everybody, you're all doing very well!" -- Young Mr. Grace

    1. DJO Silver badge

      Re: Laser blast from the past

      If they were to take this seriously I can see many possibilities, it really depends on how well the adversaries birds are hardened. Ideally they would be vulnerable to a directed energy weapon fired from a very high altitude plane which would kill enough electronics to render it useless but not cause any debris, but I doubt if it would be that easy. (Tracking things in space from a moving aircraft is a solved problem, look at the SOFIA telescope.)

      Kessler syndrome is still an issue. if sats are non-destructively killed, it's very likely that eventually there will be a collision because dead sats cannot make avoidance manoeuvres.

  6. Gavsky

    The RAF recruitment advert makes me roll my eyes: launching a fighter somehow avoids a space collision? As does getting lunch prepared on time, evidently. Yes, the 'sharp teeth' relies on every part of the support structure to fulfil its role; it's just that the advert seems to correlate these directly with satellite-saving & it seems daft.

  7. Like a badger Silver badge

    Window dressing

    Based upon their long track record, I have to assume that MoD will plan and fund the RAF's space capabilities with the same careless disregard for having any capability as they apply to all of the arms of our military. So this "squadron" will be about six blokes in a room, sharing a single Tempested Windows 97 computer that's got a 14.4k baud internet connection. there will; be no over-arching plan other than "protecting Britain's space interests", no recognition that we are entirely dependant upon the US, and that there's no plan, nor government desire to change that.

  8. Antony Shepherd

    Dacka Dacka Dacka...

    Wondering if someone had been watching that episode of Doctor Who which had Space Spitfires.

  9. jokerscrowbar

    Kaka Kaka Kaka

    If the Space Effects Squadron used them they would be…

    …SES Spits.

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