BOFH: The Helldesk opens its third eye and ascends to a higher plane of troubleshooting

Official BOFH logo (red rotary telephone with devil's tal and devil's horns) BOFH logo The Boss has had some feedback from the using classes about our method of fixing IT problems (i.e. fixing them), and how we could do things a little better. "So... you want us to... not fix the problems?" the PFY asks. "No, that's not what …

[steelpillow]

How doers it feel

to be asked how you fe-e-el?

[Ken G]

Re: How doers it feel

But how bad does it make you fe-el?

[deadlockvictim]

Re: How doers it feel

Savage!

Will we ever see the likes of Joe John Duffy again?

[Azamino]

Re: How doers it feel

Depends… last time we had ‘color’ for colour, this week it’s ‘center’ for centre. That pint icon is now probably an American measure which is 473ml, considerably smaller than a proper 568ml British pint.

Give it a month and BOfH and co will be celebrating Friday’s arrival with crap coffee and doughnuts.

[tezboyes]

Re: How doers it feel

And by far the biggest offence is the short measure on the beer!

[David Hicklin]

Re: How doers it feel

> Depends… last time we had ‘color’ for colour, this week it’s ‘center’ for centre

Could do with a plug-in for Firefox to convert american spelling to King's English on the fly....

[collinsl]

Re: How doers it feel

Could do with a plug-in for Firefox to convert american spelling to King's English on the fly...

Agreed, I've got one for my leopard and it's going great.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: How doers it feel

I had a support agent (Amazon IIRC) start off with something along the lines of "I hope you and your family are well and feeling happy". Do the purveyors of this boilerplate crap never stop to think that the recipient could actually be recently bereaved and very depressed.

[cmdrklarg]

Re: How doers it feel

Argh! There are few things that irritate me more than the flowery bullshit that customer service types are forced to spew at me when I'm calling them to get tech support. JFC quit wasting my limited time on this planet with unnecessary nonsense in an attempt to "make me feel better".

You know what will make me feel better? Fixing the problem I'm calling you about! Makes me want to strangle the manager who came up with that BS...

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How doers it feel

I work in tech support -- er, sorry, we're "customer success" now -- and yes we are forced by our betters to spew that nonsense. "Customer sentiment" is a KPI now, I kid you not. I just got off a 45 minute monthly check-in with a very pissed customer because in the three years I've been here, our leadership -- that's what they call themselves, not what I call them -- has never let engineering address her problems. We are top notch at asking how she feels, though.

[simonlb]

Re: How doers it feel

"Hi, I'm Brian from customer success. How are you feeling today?"

"I'm using my fingers like I normally do, dickhead!"

[Evil Scot]

Re: How doers it feel

... rather than a PSA test.

(Icon close enough)

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: How doers it feel

Hi, I'm [your name] and I'm sorry to hear you are having difficulty with [product name]. I want to assure you that I will be able to take care of that for you very quickly to your complete satisfaction!

[three hours later]

Well, it appears that there's a problem with your machine and I suggest you wipe the disk and reinstall. Have I solved the problem to your satisfaction?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: How doers it feel

I had that recently, too. I just wish I could remember which company it was in order to shame them as well...T-fucking-Mobile, that's who it was! I replied with 'its going terrible, otherwise I wouldn't have called for support, would I.'

I also have a warning, the Samsung A17 el-cheapo smartphone is murder on magnetic strips in cards, so keep your wallet in a different pocket. I've had two cards wiped by this phone in less than 3 days.

[herman]

Re: How doers it feel

Merrikin cards still use magnetic strips?

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: How doers it feel

By the time the current whimsy is finished with them they'll just use the embossed number to print onto NCR paper. Damn smart technology, NCR paper.

[Erythrite]

Re: How doers it feel

Murikan cards don't usually have pins. Some Murikan restaurants don't have handheld card readers,so the card goes back to where the dishwasher can buy crypto for kiddie prawn.

[Glen F]

Re: How doers it feel

*Most* Murikan restaurants.... The handheld readers seem to be working their way upstream in the dining world. Corner food truck or micro-brewery? Yep, they have the readers. Restaurant where the bill is >$100/person, not counting the bar tab; no, they still run off with your card.

[Mimsey Borogove]

Re: How doers it feel

Restaurant where the bill is >$100/person, not counting the bar tab; no, they still run off with your card.

Maybe that's part of the mystique restaurants are still trying to hold onto? "We don't mar your dining experience with anything so crass as a visible card reader at your table, we take it off to the back as is our tradition. Just a part of fine dining."

:-p

[swm]

Re: How doers it feel

I always answer, "I'm sorry, that is privileged information." Blows them right out of their script.

[Mimsey Borogove]

Re: How doers it feel

something along the lines of "I hope you and your family .....

My family's feelings are none of their business! All I need is virtual smarm.

[herman]

Re: How doers it feel

Fe-e-eel? My hovercraft is full of them

[Bebu sa Ware]

"Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

Am I the only one who thought the Boss was inviting Glasgow Kiss ?

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: "Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

Is that a Scottish Kiss tribute act?

[Red Ted]

Re: "Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

There's a John Otway song about them...

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: "Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

Now that's a name you don't see much in the wild.

[BoldMan]

Re: "Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

*whistles appropriately*

[Huw L-D]

And a wonderful song it is

I'm just glad he uses his own mic, rather than ruining the ones at the venue...

[Paul Herber]

Re: "Instead of attacking the problem head-on, perhaps you could take a more... holistic approach"

Who nose!

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Surprising

that rearranging the room did not involve a database normalisation warning. The fire was a neat substitute, however.

[Caver_Dave]

Brilliant

I had a conversation along those lines many years ago where I knew that the real problem was the compressor the other side of the Portacabin wall, but the person did not want to change the Feng Shui of the room.

[Bebu sa Ware]

Re: Brilliant

> change the Feng Shui of the room.

Years ago I purchased a magnetic compass from a $2 (Pound) shop just to get some direction when driving in unfamilar and overcast parts.

The compass rose was all Chinese logographs and apparently intended for the Feng Shui practitioner.

Her indoors wanted me to return it because, not being able to read Chinese, I wouldn't be able to tell where North was.

"I think North is where red side of the needle points" didn't convince.

I suspect Feng Shui does encapsulate some decent asthetic principles of design and architecture but a lot of it in the west is more shilling fooey.

[Red Ted]

Re: Brilliant

My experience of trying to use a compass in a car is that it just points at the engine.

[stiine]

Re: Brilliant

Ah, so you never get lost!

[herman]

Re: Brilliant

Hmm, long ago I had a real Merrikin V8 350 hp gas guzzler and the engine wasn't really magnetic at all, but it sure was very good at guzzling gas and shortening long roads.

[Democrab]

Re: Brilliant

I'm amazed the Murikans managed to get 350hp out of a V8, usually they'll make a eight litre "vee ate moat-oar" that does 100hp on a good day with the good fuel.

[Huw L-D]

Re: Brilliant

Ah, remember to keep the privy seat down, lest the dragon of unhappiness flies up your bottom.

[Stumpy]

Re: Brilliant

Presumably though that's not while you're using said privy?

[blu3b3rry]

Only the BOFH could alter the fung shui of the room in such a way as to almost, but not quite kill the luser.

[Will Godfrey]

Got that one to a tea.

[Paul Herber]

This whole article should have been written using runes.

[Bebu sa Ware]

"Cosmic Ley Lines." — Whence did Simon get this codswallop ?

"The Complete Idiot's Guide to the Holistic New Age" ?

Hardly be for anyone other than the replete imbecile and the poor souls forced to deal with them.

Supplemented with "New Age Holistics for Dummies" Simon would be the "full bottle" on the wonderful world of woo.

"Its aura should flow through the ether… into the seventh realm of Uranus." — "It sounds like someone's anus is involved"

Clearly the woo was getting a bit much for the poor PFY but he'll toughen up, but he's right - I would place the seventh realm around the pyloric sphincter and on the other side of all the shit that the aura had traversed.

[Mike VandeVelde]

Re: "Cosmic Ley Lines." — Whence did Simon get this codswallop ?

You know, the cosmic ley lines. They're the reason why we think we're all alone in the universe. In the populated areas of this galaxy, where you can just stick an antenna out and harvest all the energy you need from the nearest cosmic ley line, they can't see how there could possibly be any life way out here in the hinterland so far from any cosmic ley lines, that's why they haven't bothered to come looking. You could never carry enough energy with you to make it that far from any source of energy. They would be horrified to find us choking on the fumes of burning our dead ancestors for energy and would probably destroy us on sight for it, so probably for the best.

[Inventor of the Marmite Laser]

Don't knock Feng Shui. Properly used, it can be very calming. A place I worked at many years ago had a tastefully designed small lake out front.

The thought of a visiting sales parasite or a member of middle management head down in the serene waters, with only his legs and feet showing, induced such a feeling of calm that's difficult to convey.

Ommmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

During Covid & unemployed I took a cash in hand job delivering food for a asian restaurant, they had a fish pond & a little bridge to walk over it to enter the restaurant properly.

The sound of the water was quite soothing.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

>fish pond & a little bridge to walk over

Hopefully a certain famous S. American fish and a bridge with a retractable section?

[Anonymous Coward]

Or sharks with laser beams mounted on their heads.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Sharks? In this economy?

We have slightly enraged Goldfish with Temu LED keychains

[Uncle Slacky]

No mention of...

...waving a dead chicken?

https://jargondb.org/glossary/wave-a-dead-chicken

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: No mention of...

You can't just fix computers with superstition.

You have to scientifically turn them off and on again, hit the case, and wiggle network cables while chanting the ancient mantras "works on machine", "but I didn't change anything important" and "it's probably DNS"

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: No mention of...

I prefer the repeated chant of "It's not DNS"

The incantation is powerful enough to summon an obscure DNS problem after a handful of repetitions.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: No mention of...

On my network I think it might actually be Lupus

[Excused Boots]

Re: No mention of...

"It’s never lupus”

c. Gregory House

[Uncle Slacky]

Re: No mention of...

Which reminds me of one of the "AI Koans", again from the Jargon File:

Tom Knight and the Lisp Machine

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on.

Knight, seeing what the student was doing, spoke sternly: “You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong.”

Knight turned the machine off and on.

The machine worked.

https://jargondb.org/some_ai_koans

[tezboyes]

Re: No mention of...

Yes, but the sacrifice of a goat to fix modem problems is not superstition. Tell that to kids these days.

[Sherrie Ludwig]

Re: No mention of...

Hadn't heard the brandishing an expired fowl phrase before. Thank you!

[Boris the Cockroach]

I know

a managler who could do with some healing crystals....... but then I dont think he'd like the high speed application of said healing crystals just after they leave the barrels of the shotgun.

But then theres the colour thing that does me, should I plump for the blue ones since blue is a calming influence, or the yellow for diverting his anger harmlessly away or purple for asserting my dominance over the field of battle I mean the office. red goes without saying really since thats the colour of blood too and we dont want the medics having an easy job of picking them out of his ass.

Choices choices......

[KittenHuffer]

Re: I know

Red and yellow and pink and green

Purple and orange and blue,

I can shoot a rainbow,

Shoot a rainbow,

Shoot a rainbow too!

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: I know

Mmmmmm...crystals!

I prefer the ones that resonate at 7.040 MHz...

[MattieD]

Thought leader

You just know that somewhere, someone who unironically calls themselves a 'thought leader' is trying to push this kind of absolute arsewank onto some poor helpdesk staff.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: Thought leader

You can lead a manager to an idea, but you can't make them think

[Blackjack]

Honesty I pity the poor user, he was not the one with the stupid ideas, he was just ignorant.

[Ken Hagan]

No-one is that ignorant naturally. You have to work at it.

[Korev]

In case you've not seen the wonderful Homeopathic A & E

[Northern Lad]

Holistic... ..Parachute...

Took me back to the mid 2000's when I would try and use the word 'Holistic' or 'Holistically' in IT meeting just for a laugh, just after that I think my favorite buzz word was 'Parachute', as in, 'the boss decided to 'parachute' me in to the project to get X done.

[frankvw]

Homeopathy

Obligatory xkcd