BOFH: This printer engineer knows every trick in the book

Official BOFH logo (red rotary telephone with devil's tal and devil's horns) BOFH logo EPISODE 14 The morning coffee in Mission Control is interrupted by a hesitant tapping at the door. Our current office temp has an issue. "It's the printer," she says, apologetically. "It makes a noise." "When it's printing, or all the time …

[Anonymous Coward]

Priceless

"Be back in five," he says, pocketing the cash faster than a FIFA official.

Priceless ...

But sad.

.

[BebopWeBop]

Re: Priceless

But those open windows came into their own again you have to admit.

'Or, off in the distance, the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height...'

[Will Godfrey]

I remember those monsters

Many moons ago, a place I worked had an ancient monochrome lump on hire. It was actually very reliable and chugged along for years, but when we were going to move to a better unit we contacted the rental company, to cancel the contract and tell them to collect the printer, giving them the date we were moving out. They didn't bother. Several weeks later one of our drivers was in the area, and had a chat with the new people who mentioned the printer as rather a nuisance.

Long story-short, they helped our driver load it into his van and we carried on using it free for several more years.

[Giles C]

Re: I remember those monsters

Years ago when we moved buildings there were a stack of printers heading for the skip, so I got one (old Lexmark 610) and ran it for the club I run for about 6 years before it broke. That was replaced by a HP4350 which has lasted about 7 years before something broke in the duplex unit last week.

At this point repairing a 21 year old printer didn’t seem worth it so I have just order a Kyocera as its replacement which I will be able to play with on Monday when it gets delivered.

Before anyone asks I need duplex for the magazine and colour is way too expensive for the club to afford….

[Elongated Muskrat]

Re: I remember those monsters

You'd be surprised at how cheap colour laser printers are these days (although they now use LEDs not lasers), and the one I have (a Brother HL-3230CDW) does duplex as well. That particular model is discontinued, because it's from 2019, but similar ones are typically in the £200-300 range. If you're printing any amount of stuff, the initial higher cost than an ink-jet is quickly offset by not having to open a vein to pay for the ink.

[MiguelC]

Re: I remember those monsters

The new duplex version, the HL-L3240CDW, can be bought for under 300€

[Giles C]

Re: I remember those monsters

Buying it isn’t the issue, it is the running costs.

The Kyocera cost 1p in toner per sheet, a colour laser was 20p

When printing 600 sides a month that soon adds up….

[Charlie Clark]

Re: I remember those monsters

It depends very much what you want to do and the less frequently you do something, the less important it is what the running costs are. I'm more than happy with an inkjet for the 4 or 5 pages of colour I do a year but duplex is great as is the ability to print on A3.

[spuck]

Re: I remember those monsters

The key with inkjet economics is choosing a model that can use 3rd party ink.

We have a Brother inkjet that does have the DRM chips on the cartridges, but they are apparently trivial to duplicate as there are many sellers on Amazon and eBay that offer inks that work just fine.

I can buy a full set of replacement inks (CMY and Black) for less than $15 USD.

Is the off-brand ink shortening the lifespan of the printer? Maybe; it's lasted about 10 years so far, and we've spent so little on ink over those 10 years that when it finally clogs and dies it won't matter.

All that said, my next printer will probably be a laser/LED.

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: I remember those monsters

My home printer is an HP LaserJet 5. Got it for free (because dead fuser & stripped gears), repaired it during COVID, and it sits on my network, drawing 7 watts until it is required to print something, which it does quietly and without fail. The firmware date is 1993 and I have enough toner to last the rest of my life. 300k pages on the counter and I am informed that 1 million is a fair expectation.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: I remember those monsters

Just got my Mum a new Brother colour laser, because I was sick and tired of fixing her horrible cheap inkjet. Literally every time she tried to use it - which is of course the problem with an inkjet that doesn't get regular use. I didn't have the heart to tell her that one set of cartridges is basically a lifetime's supply...

To be fair, when Nan was a year younger than Mum is now, Mum took her out clothes shopping. Suggested a new coat, and Nan said, "but I'm not going to live long enough to get decent wear out of it."

That's the same Nan who wrote a birthday card to every grandchild on the 1st of January. Put £5 in it, when that would get you a beer and a half (or two in a student bar) - and told her relatives where it was. So if she died halfway through the year, none of the adult grandchildren would be disappointed to miss out on their fiver! Morbid, much...?

She managed to die after the sequence of birthdays, so I didn't get the bizarre experience of a fiver from beyond the grave - and she got 6 years out of the coat, and died at 93. Top work Nan! "The worst thing about being bombed [September 1940], I'd just got new saucepans." That Hitler, what a bastard!

I'd apologise for the dubious taste, but as you can tell, I blame the grandparents.

[blu3b3rry]

Sounds familiar

Probably mentioned at some time before that I used to run a bank of autoclaves in a previous tech role. The machines we had were all compact ones, about the size and weight of a large microwave (the big heavy 80s ones).

Turned out no-one had ever enquired about their servicing, which is always wise when dealing with a steam-filled pressure vessel....

Anyways, we contacted the phone number on the machine and the supplier offered to send out their service tech to give the autoclaves a service and inspection to be sure they were safe. This guy turns up, I show him in. He begins taking the autoclaves apart, then turns to me and asks "Where are the parts?"

"What parts?" I reply.

"The parcel of parts you should have had delivered."

"First I've heard of this, was the parcel sent under your name?"

"No, don't know who it would be sent to."

I called up the supplier and they had just sent the box in the post with our company name and address on, with no FAO. Up until this point they hadn't informed us that the parts would be arriving separately without any tracking number. During this phonecall the service engineer meanwhile decides to continue disassembling the autoclaves and promptly drops one on the floor. At that point I had more than enough and chucked him out, although I think I exercised considerable self-restraint in not grabbing him by the collar!

This made the supplier, who it turns out were just a glorified sales house, panic.

They had contact details for the UK distributor of the autoclaves, who were based in Swansea (we were in east anglia, so on a good day a 3hr+ drive). Their service engineer jumped straight in his van (which was stocked with all the parts needed to fix these autoclaves and more) and called me from the M4 motorway with a promise that he'd be there at 9 the next morning, having booked a local hotel last minute. I very much hope he got paid a decent bung for that!

[Martin an gof]

Re: Sounds familiar

who were based in Swansea (we were in east anglia, so on a good day a 3hr+ drive)

That "+" is doing a lot of work :-)

I'm in Swansea today. It takes me ~an hour to get from central Swansea to M4 Cardiff, another ~hour to M4 Swindon, three hours might get me just about to the M25 if there are no traffic problems and I don't stop. (I did Cardiff to Chiswick with one stop in ~3 hours last week). And if that's your best route (I note some routing algorithms take you along the A465 from Swansea, around Birmingham and down the M6), the M25 is maybe half way from Swansea to "East Anglia" (say Norwich). No wonder the engineer booked an hotel!

M.

[blu3b3rry]

Re: Sounds familiar

I'll admit I just bunged the rough locations into google maps, which suggested around 3 hours.

I think you'd be brave to chance the M25 at the best of times - I'm not a million miles from Norwich and had the joys of a trip to Gloucester two months ago so can very much sympathise with the journey! In that case I decided to avoid the M25, doing A14, M6 then down the Fosse Way.

The M6 in particular on a hot Friday afternoon certainly justified a few of these upon arrival --->

[Martin an gof]

Re: Sounds familiar

I thought Google was supposed to be good with this kind of thing? Not tried it myself, but Openstreetmap's several algorithms all suggest at least 5 hours to Norwich from Swansea and that corresponds with my own experience. Might explain why someone I know always underestimates journey time - they use Google maps.

M.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Sounds familiar

I would not trust Google Maps for any route I need to rely on.

Yesterday I was in a part of town I know rather less and I asked it to map me a path to the local supermarket. Normally I reverse to where I live and it's about a 5 minutes drive, but what it came up with was so esoteric that I decided to follow it. I ended up with a tour around the city and a drive time of about 20 minutes.

I'm guessing it's testing how it can expose you to more advertising when automated driving becomes more common.

Back to TomTom it is. That's also not perfect (its mapping is occasionally behind) but it's (a) more efficient on routes, (b) does not need a permanently online data connection, (c) less privacy invasive, (d) able to indicate and time average speed zones and (e) tells me about traffic jams when I still have a chance to avoid them - Google happily tells me about them when I'm actually already stuck in it. And it doesn't try to milk me for more personal information (apparently I'm "not old enough" to log in with the fake name I gave it so it wants ID - for use in a car).

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Sounds familiar

If I can get Google Maps to work at all (I assume it doesn't like Waterfox with Ghostery and Privacy Badger) I've found that if there is a toll road within 50 miles of your route it will do its best to route you over the toll road even if it adds miles to the trip. There's two towns near where I live that if you map from the north side of the southern town, to the south side of the northern town, it sends you south 3 miles, east 1 mile, northeast on a toll road 20 miles, west 10 miles, and south 2 miles vs north 7 miles north on a non-toll 4 lane. Distances are approximate.

[blu3b3rry]

Re: Sounds familiar

I've been experimenting with Organic Maps and Mapy recently. You can also get them as apps on F-Droid, which work on Android Auto in my car.

Both seem to have decent enough navigation features and unlike Google Maps the GPS function can actually tell which way you're pointing. They're definitely not as polished but I can live with that for something that actually works properly.

[Ken G]

Re: Sounds familiar

I'll have a look, I've tried Magic Earth and OSMAnd+ but I'm still looking for a good nav tool.

The last one I liked was a 3rd party Blackberry 10 app I used back in 2014 and somewhere in the next few years it was bought out, "upgraded" and enshittified with ads and paid map upgrades.

edit: It turns out I have Organic Maps already installed but haven't tried it yet.

edit2: and my compass direction is reversed, which explains something - that will distract me from work for a while

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Sounds familiar

On my phone I use "Here We Go" for the car and OSMAnd for walking and cycling. Both have offline maps with frequent updates. Here We Go benefits from traffic information from all the car manufacturers that use it. Most people I know seem to use Google Maps but I can't get on with it.

The traffic here is often so bad that it makes no point in starting down the tunnel of alternatives which can quickly lead you angry, stressed and disoriented. But local knowledge helps most: driving to France last year and, even on a Sunday, I knew it would be best to avoid Paris but I didn't insist upon it. Didn't pay attention quickly enough to the first warning about traffic on the Périphique and ended up driving, well SWMBO was doing the driving, through Saint Denis and other parts. It did save us a few minutes but it was also quite hair-raising! Needless to say, the return journey was via another route!

[jbth]

Re: Sounds familiar

organic maps ftw

[Slow Joe Crow]

Re: Sounds familiar

Google's algorithm generally wants to take the earliest available turn. A few years back I was visiting Zumwalt Prairie, and Google took the first right turn which led through a herd of cows to a set of ruts where the road used to be. The second right was an actual gravel road leading to the official entrance.

I suppose 5 hours from Swansea to Norwich isn't too bad since that gets you to the other side of the country. Getting to Zumwalt Prairie was a 6 hour drive to Enterprise, OR and I didn't even leave the state

[doublelayer]

Re: Sounds familiar

One factor related to estimating trip times is that Google Maps has and uses traffic data whereas most others and all offline mapping software doesn't. That means that, if you happen to look up travel times at a time when nobody is traveling, Google will correctly identify that there's light traffic on those roads right now (Saturday morning, for example) and reduce your travel time accordingly. I think you can give it timing information for more accurate summaries, but if you don't know it's going to be doing that, that's not very helpful.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Sounds familiar

You pay a small subscription for it, but TomTom does so as well as long as you have a data connection (and at least it stays working when there isn't one, once I went to France it shut down the moment I crossed the border because the chip in the car had decided to give up roaming for the day (worked again a full day later). Not only was TomTom OK with its offline map, my phone also had a perfectly functioning data connection so I got traffic data too. And, as I said before, it tells you generally in ADVANCE when there's a traffic jam, not when you're already in it or committed to a road from which there is no more escape. Where I live there are multiple ways to get to work.

I tried going an alternate route as TomTom already told me there was a problem, and Google Maps was inventing all sorts of detours just to get me on the motorway again where there was a traffic jam. It's imho not very trustworthy - perfectly matches the company.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Sounds familiar

We have embedded TomTom in the car but the traffic information is frankly awful so Here We Go tends to run silently on the passenger side for a second opinion. I keep the maps up to date but there hasn't been a software update for years.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Sounds familiar

Loads of the other apps have traffic data: Here We Go does, as does TomTom. If you use any of these services, you have to remember that you're also providing telemetry data for them.

Where I think Google may excel is the use of different routing options when the standard topological ones don't work because it logs so many journeys rather than just where the vehicles are at any one moment (or where they may be in 30 minutes).

[Elongated Muskrat]

Re: Sounds familiar

Having had to do the drive between Bristol and Norwich a number of times, the very shortest time I've ever managed to do that in was about 4:15, and if the traffic is bad, it can be a LOT longer. Swansea is at least another hour-and-a-half on top of that. With reasonable stops, meal breaks, etc. you're probably looking at 7h+

[Return To Sender]

Re: Sounds familiar

Yeah, I've had the odd 6h+ journey over the years, usually a minimum of 4.5hrs depending on bladder. If you can swing it, using the train from Bristol to Norwich usually takes about the same time as driving, especially since the Lizzie Line opened up between Paddington & Liverpool St, with rather less aggro...

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

A sinking feeling?

The mention of a sinkhole seemed very much foreboding the demise of the little white van. I was not disappointed

[BebopWeBop]

Re: A sinking feeling?

That was just backup - the flying printer got there first.

[elsergiovolador]

Call

They should have called the Italians that a squeaky wheel needs to be taken care of.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: Call

As Minsc says, "The Sqveaky vheel gets the kick!"

Is that a miniature giant space hamster in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?

[Pascal Monett]

"the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

That's the BOFH we know and love.

[blu3b3rry]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

The only improvement would be if the engineer was strapped to the printer before it began its gravity-assisted disposal route.

[Ze]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Then you couldn't time it so the service engineer just got into his van just before the printer hits it. Alternatively just as he's getting into the van hits the van and bounces off and hits the service engineer for a twofer.

[elsergiovolador]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Time passes at different speed depending on the height. Timing the vertical descent is quite tricky if you want to be precise.

[stiine]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

But with practice?

[BebopWeBop]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Or maybe the boss?

[Korev]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

I wonder what speed the terminal terminal velocity is...

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

African or European multifunction printer?

[Oblivion62]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Obviously depends on how many paper trays are loaded. That Newtonian nonsense about heavy things falling at the same speed as lighter things never stood under a falling, loaded printer and compared the experience to an underfed mediaeval scribe.

[DJO]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

...I wonder what speed the terminal terminal velocity is...

Obviously if it was being dropped in a vacuum then it would be easy to calculate it's velocity when it hits the ground which is about as terminal as it gets. However if you've managed to coerce the engineer into a vacuum chamber then the blunt force trauma seems a bit superfluous - someone has to clear up the mess you know.

If you assume the multifault printer as a cube then the drag coefficient is around 1.05 if dropping face forward, for edge or corner forward it can be from 0.8 to 2.1 but the maths is bloody complicated and I cannot be arsed and anyway I don't know the height of the window from which it spontaneously defenestrated itself.

A lot of wind tunnel testing to find if the device orientates itself into a stable attitude or if it falls chaotically would be needed to calculate an accurate drag coefficient but I suspect there might be a bit of difficulty in getting funding for experimentation to determine the aerodynamic properties of printers no matter how obviously impactful the research would be.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Bonus upvote for "impactful" :)

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

As I recall, the BOFH works on the 5th floor of a 5 story building, with river views.

[DJO]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

Floors vary in height but I now realise we'd also need to account for any trailing cables which would definitely disturb the air flow enough to affect the drag and may also affect the orientation of the falling printer.

If the intended target is a (white) van a face impact probably wouldn't do a lot of damage, it might just bounce off after denting the roof, a fast enough corner impact would penetrate a (white) van quite easily so establishing how it falls is important when engineering a tragic accident working out what measures are needed to prevent tragic accidents.

[timmy 2]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

he did say... "So," I say, "what I need you to do is this: take this printer up to the fourth floor..."

assuming a standard height per floor for buildings of roughly 10ft/floor, which across the pond would equate to the FIFTH floor, with a window height of 3' , but then the target area (van roof) sits about 5' above the ground, so let's just say 48ft (14.63m) . Btw, do not forget to include land elevation above the Thames (assuming that the BOFH is located in London) as a factor of Rho. For this exercise, you may assume that all of London is a flat surface and use an average reading. Points will NOT be deducted from your final answer.

The terminal velocity of a free-falling object is calculated using the formula \(v_t = \sqrt{\frac{2mg}{\rho A C_d}}\), where the key factors are the object's mass (\(m\)), gravitational acceleration (\(g\)), and air density (\(\rho \)), cross-sectional area (\(A\)), and drag coefficient (\(C_{d}\)). It is the steady speed reached when downward gravity equals upward air resistance.

The Formula and Variables

\(v_{t}\): Terminal velocity (m/s)

\(m\): Mass of the object (kg)

\(g\): Acceleration due to gravity (\(9.8\text{ m/s}^2\) on Earth)

\(\rho \) (rho): Density of the fluid/air (\(\approx 1.22\text{ kg/m}^3\) at sea level)

\(A\): Projected cross-sectional area facing the wind (\(\text{m}^{2}\))

\(C_{d}\): Drag coefficient based on shape (dimensionless, e.g., \(\approx 1.0\) for a skydiver belly-down, \(\approx 0.47\) for a sphere)

You now have all relevant information to supply us with an answer. We've even supplied some rudimentary support from https://www.omnicalculator.com/physics/terminal-velocity

[Luiz Abdala]

Re: "the sound of a large multifunction printer hitting a small white van from a great height"

This can go straight to r/theydidthemath, and even worse, you got the math done without any numbers, so anybody can plugin their own figures.

Thank you.

[Giles C]

Why is this a day late.

Normally we get a good BOFH Friday lunchtime (uk) this turned up on Saturday….

[Arty Effem]

Technician.

[Hazmoid]

I have been tempted to "Office Space" many a printer, particularly when they have that annoying random fault error. Have had every one of those delaying tactics tried, but the worst is when there is a 3rd party software involved which requirres consulting another helpdesk when there is a fault.

[devbanana]

What's this? The BOFH helped an end-user? I think he's getting soft in his old age.

[KittenHuffer]

How much help did the end (l)user actually get? They've still got the same printer that they had at the start. Still got the same squeak as they had at the start.

But the BOFH did get to mess with the printer technician! Sometimes you have to take pleasure where you can, rather than keep hammering away at the same targets all the time!

Variety is the spruce of life!

[timmy 2]

well, you simply must take into account the facts.

1) interns are young

2) we know intern is female, so young

3) the PFY was being very polite (moreso than normal) , so intern is young and probably quite attractive

4) she's presenting them with a computer problem that allows them to mess with the vendor instead of the end-luser

all in all, they can be forgiven because putting a vendor in their proper place takes priority over berating a young attractive female end-luser

[Luiz Abdala]

Remember, kids....

There are two types of printers: a) The ones that turn a profit when they are broken, and b) the ones that turn a profit when they work.

The ones sold to the market in general are A's, the ones used in rental are B's, because the people renting them don't want something that keeps breaking and needing replacement.

Get a hold of B-type printers whenever you can and...

c) Rentals are almost never HP printers, HP only makes A-type ones. Those laserjet ones that never broke (laserjet 4's) were anomalies that should have only been pressed into rental jobs back in the day but slipped out to the open market somehow. Maybe HP probably makes rental printers these days, but they will refuse to sell those openly to anybody.

[I ain't Spartacus]

Re: Remember, kids....

I believe the old HP Laserjet 4's were also excellent providers of blunt force trauma. Being built for combat. Never trust a printer you can lift one-handed.

[Pete 2]

A motivational speech

> "This printer model is end of line. We don't have spares either," he admits

OK says client. "I suppose I should call your boss and tell him you recommended we cancel our eye-wateringly expensive support contract, since you haven't got the wherewithal to support our printers any more?"

[Downeaster]

Service Contracts that are now "Self Service Contracts"

Our printer and copier company that my places of business uses, was bought out by a larger company. Now it seems that in order to get something fixed, they diagnose it over the phone, ship you the parts for YOU to install, and don't send out service techs. The company will talk to you over the phone through the replacement parts process. Usually the person you are talking to is on the other side of the world. So much for local service anymore!

[hittitezombie]

Once upon a time, we replaced our rental printers with some unit from another provider.

The old provider didn't pick up their printers on time.

We left them out in the rain.

It was a sad sight, but then, they were multifunctional printers. Fuck them.