Tech support chap hauled out to help SWAT team saw his life flash before his eyes

ON CALL Buckle in, dear readers, for an extreme installment of On Call, The Register's reader-contributed Friday column in which we share your stories of superlative tech support scenarios. This week, meet a reader we'll Regomize as "Solomon" who sent a story from his time working for a county sheriff's office. "I usually …

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

Interesting times for Solomon

Worst that happened at work here was theft of my laptop. Inconvenient but not scary. Rincewind is right: boring is nice and safe

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Re: Interesting times for Solomon

The Rincewind standard of life is usually the best one can have.

[Greybearded old scrote]

Re: Interesting times for Solomon

Not so much. We almost all have a level of perceived risk below which 'peaceful' becomes 'humdrum.' There's even a physiological correlate, monoamine oxidase if I recall. We have a phrase for wanting no risk at all, clinical anxiety.

You doubt that? Thrillers and horror stories have huge audiences. Fairground rides balance a high degree of safety against feeling like anything but. News outlets that favour good news over, "if it bleeds it leads" quickly go broke.

[Tron]

Re: Interesting times for Solomon

Thrillers, horror stories and bad news involve no real risk. We all like the tingle, but that is different from real risk which involves the danger of actual damage. I'd include the fairground/bungee jumping with that, as they do go wrong.

Nothing wrong with humdrum, especially nowadays. Surprisingly few D-Day memorials here today, remembering the horrors of war. Presumably our govt wants us to focus on the fun/patriotic side (Armed forces day), and not the blood, pain and death. The nudge units must be hard at it, flipping everyone from pro-peace to pro-war. Anyone here got kids of conscriptable age?

I'll stick with humdrum. And I'll continue to avoid working with government or law enforcement.

[ComputerSays_noAbsolutelyNo]

So, it was a sort of Nothingburger in the end ...

[KittenHuffer]

I think he was glad there was no hot sauce involved!

[You aint sin me, roit]

But it sounds like he didn't have his chips.

[Stevie]

Bah!

I once fell overboard and was nearly eaten by a shark, but the funny thing was, its head was shaped like a hammer.

[Paul Crawford]

Re: Bah!

STOP!

Hammer time :)

[Dan 55]

"working for a county sheriff's office"

I do hate it when El Reg starts a story believing that their readership would somehow just know that it's about someone who works for the judiciary in Scotland and they're left to work it out for themselves.

[BartyFartsLast]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Probably not had enough coffee machines yet

[Calum Morrison]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

It must have been a long time ago - we abolished our counties years ago. It's all unitary authorities these days.

[Philo T Farnsworth]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

I thought it might have been a tale from the US, since we still have counties and county sheriffs here, though as far as I know the rank of Major isn't used -- the division head is usally referred to as Captain, who reports to an undersheriff or chief deputy. The sheriff is, of course the boss, and I believe in most jurisdictions that's an elective office.¹ Since governance varies by state and county, that may vary.

Some state highway patrols and trooper units do have more military rank structures.

Personally, I like to have as little contact with law enforcement of any kind as humanly possible.

________________

¹ The Legal Guide: Who Leads the Sheriff’s Department: Structure, Roles, and Oversight

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Massachusetts USA here. Counties are important, because...reasons. Said reasons mainly having to do with finding cushy phoney-baloney jobs for political assosciates and family members. Oh, yes, and the counties run the courts and the jails. That's pretty much it, except that one of the county sheriffs has been asked to explain why their accounting methods appear to be...non-standard. Things like private bank accounts tend to attract the attention of the inspector general.

No, there's no reason it all couldn't be handled by the state. Except that would take food (and alcohol, and entertainment) away from deserving county employees...

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Counties, States, Sheriffs - Education by watching "The Dukes of Hazzard". Extra tuition by Daisy Duke

[chivo243]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Poor Ines, what a dipstick.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Tennessee used to have a pretty reliable and regular "sheriff to prison" program.

Unfortunately, the corruption has gotten so bad now that they just get away with it.

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

I was wondering what to make of the guy who requisitioned him being called "the Major"

[that one in the corner]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

Motoko Kusanagi is always just called "The Major" (or simply "Major" to her friends).

Although I'd be careful about calling her a "guy", the body shell was deliberately chosen.

[BartyFartsLast]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

I'm specifically thinking of a certain Major, an unfortunately hilariously named one at that.

Major Wank, Major Jason Wank.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

My mind went to Major Evan 'Jumbo' Jenkins who unfortunately commanded Spike Milligan.

[chivo243]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

I think it's a carry over from armed services duty? Kind of fits the description of the Major.

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Re: "working for a county sheriff's office"

At least their personal coffee machines don't get stolen by their colleagues and the Bossly Unit force the complainee to undergo a lie detector test...

This really happened in South Africa... True as toasted toads

[Sam not the Viking]

Ignorance is bliss

A long time ago..... We were working at a remote site out in the middle of nowhere, somewhere in UK fenland. Fens can be very flat, very exposed and very difficult to navigate on the ground. Finding the site is often a feat of its own, sometimes the drift of power-lines can help. Anyway, two of us were going through the usual procedures when we heard a very loud, low-aircraft noise. By the time we looked out of the building the aircraft was out of sight apart from a tell-tale drift of exhaust disappearing over our horizon. Returning inside we were soon again disturbed by either the return of the same aircraft or another doing the same thing. Again, we were too late to see what was going on.

Later in the day, as we were about to leave site, an RAF bod drove up and on stepping out enquired the nature of the building. It turned out he had been practising a low-level bombing-run on a set of coordinates given to him and he was interested to know what he was (not, fortunately) attacking.

And, although he had found the location, he realised he had made many turns on tracks, around fields and ditches, could we help in returning him to the main (!) road?

[Korev]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

> And, although he had found the location, he realised he had made many turns on tracks, around fields and ditches, could we help in returning him to the main (!) road?

Was he really RAF? If so then he'd have been asking directions to the nearest hotel...

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

Depending on how long ago it was, this could've been in a Blackburn Buccaneer, though I think the Fens are slightly above their usual operating altitude.

[Korev]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

A little known fact about the bible was that Moses parted the sea so he could fly his Buccaneer through

[UCAP]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

The unusual thing about the Buccaneer (from when it was used by the Navy) is that it was the only aircraft that would take of from a carrier then descend to its cruising altitude.

It is also said that a US Air Force general who had been given a flight in a Buccaneer got out of the plane afterwards swearing that they had had to climb sharpish to fly over a cow.

[Calum Morrison]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

I overtook a Buccaneer on the back of a flatbed lorry driving south on the A9 a few years ago - I think it was being moved from Lossiemouth to a museum somewhere in England. From the chat here, I'm guessing it was operating above its usual ceiling?

[Aladdin Sane]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

Just a bit. In RAF service they had to raise the undercarriage to descend to cruise altitude.

[Caver_Dave]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

When I was growing up I lived near an ex-RAF base that had Thor rocket launch 'blocks'. I once witnessed (from a distance) 7 Warthog A-10's going around and around for about 30 minutes practice strafing the long disused 'blocks'. I also sat in the top of a tall tree and looked down into the cockpit of a Tornado who was quite literally skimming the tops of the hedges.(The valley rises gently at that point which may not have been obvious, but the plane must have been giving all sorts of warnings!)

[BartyFartsLast]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

One of the funniest things I've ever seen was my MD jumping down the inspection pit of a garage in Cumbria when two RAF Tornados screamed over the building at what felt like six inches above the roof.

The owner and I both fell about laughing, the MD was not amused.

Which obviously made us laugh even more.

[Korev]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

> I also sat in the top of a tall tree and looked down into the cockpit of a Tornado who was quite literally skimming the tops of the hedges

I hope the Tornado put its undercarriage up to let the Buccaneer through

[RMclan]

Re: Ignorance is bliss

I used to go and watch the A-10s do live firing exercises at RAF Holbeach Range on the SW coast of The Wash. You can understand why they call the GAU-8 gun "the buzzsaw" when you hear them firing.

It's been a while since I've been to Holbeach so I'm not sure how active it is now, but I remember occasionally seeing Harrier, Tornado, Jaguar, A-10, F15 and F16 all doing either gun or bomb runs or both all on the same day.

[Fruit and Nutcase]

Mach Loop - Snowdonia, North Wales

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=mach+loop+wales

[Greybearded old scrote]

Re: Mach Loop - Snowdonia, North Wales

I have fun tooling round there using a BAe Hawk in the Flightgear simulator. Of course I'm not betting my life on getting it right.

[Anonymous Coward]

Lake District

I recently looked down on some F-15s in the Lake District, followed by an A400 which was also below me. Impressive !

[RT Harrison]

Re: Lake District

Wow! So the Yanks can fly lower than 30000 feet.

[David Hicklin]

Re: Lake District

They do love the lake district, also the Peak district in Derbyshire

[Potty Professor]

Re: Looking down on pilots

Back in the 80s my parents were house hunting. They found a rather isolated house near either Kington or Knighton (I don't remember which) and we went to view it. To get to it we had to leave the town and drive around to the opposite side of a large hill, then up a narrow track and over the top to where the house stood a couple of hundred feet higher than the town below. While we were ferreting about, a flight of Phantoms flew up the valley, and we could look down into their cockpits as they passed below us.

Some years later, my family and I were on a camping holiday in mid Wales. One afternoon returning to the camp, I turned off the main road onto a side road that turned sharp left and ran diagonally down the side of a valley. Something caught my eye as I turned, which made me look in the mirror and see a Hercules thundering along the valley at approximately the same height as the road we were on. It continued past us on our right hand side and zoomed off into the distance, leaving us in a cloud of jet fuel smoke.

[MiguelC]

Somewhere in Africa

A friend went to [Redacted] with a team to set up their first electronic stock market for which his company provided all the software and hardware. When he got there, all servers and assorted networking gear were already waiting to be cleared by customs for several weeks, and for 3 more weeks he was there daily, every day a different problem arising - he and the customs' officials seemed to be unable to reach any king of understanding on how (much) to clear it.

Until one day an armed party burst into customs and took the crates by force. My friend was sage enough to stay quietly in his corner while it happened, and only got the news it wasn't a robbery when a colleague called informing him the gear had arrived at the future stock exchange's facilities, brought by an army general very close to power... someone eventually got fed up with all the waiting.

[Missing Semicolon]

Re: Somewhere in Africa

Almost certainly either waiting for the right bribe, or somebody fid not want a stock-exchange setting up.

[Lazlo Woodbine]

About the most danger I ever encountered was if we ever needed to access the switch in one of the boys' boarding houses at my last school.

It was in the attic, and the light switch was just past the first, very low, roof beam, so a minor head injury could be counted on whenever we needed to access that switch...

[Korev]

Somewhere I used to work had an attic where we kept spares etc. The attic itself was about a metre higher than the exit of the main lift so they'd put a scissor lift in. One day the Health and Safety gods declared this was dangerous and mandatory annual training was required. The end result of this was that people carried heavy things up and down the stairs adjacent to the scissor lift which was probably more dangerous...

[Anonymous Coward]

Doing some government work in the '80s we had to hook up a system from a government department in Northern Ireland to another government department, which meant we took to a trip to Belfast. We flew from Brize Norton to Aldergrove courtesy of the RAF. We were then bundled into the back of an army Land Rover and driven to a bland but well defended office building where we did our thing in a windowless room, before being taken back to Aldergrove in another Landie then flown back to the mainland. A long day with not much chance for tourism, or indeed interaction with many of the locals. No direct threat to me personally, but a lot of infrastructure, personnel and procedures in place to prevent threats reaching us. The nice man in the Land Rover (green suit, big gun, impressive 'tache) did observe that the locals hated the department I was working for even more than they hated the Army.

[Aladdin Sane]

Was it the Inland Revenue?

[Anonymous Coward]

Bingo.

(Original AC poster)

[Another Anonymous South African Coward]

Everybody hates them.

[Doctor Syntax]

"We flew from Brize Norton to Aldergrove courtesy of the RAF"

It was always Northolt in my experience. If we had to go to/from London and one of the ministers or NIO London-based civil service bigwigs had a RAF plane flight booked we were supposed to use that. It could be inconvenient - car parked at RAF side of Aldergrove, civil side for the return flight.

[BartyFartsLast]

Microswat

Better safe than sorry, but in this case and very fortunately for all involved, the user had accepted the Win 11 upgrade so the Microswat assault team didn't need to take "further measures"

[Korev]

Re: Microswat

How do you think the Microswat team would gain Access to the building?

[Adrian Harvey]

Re: Microswat

Oh, they Excel at that sort of thing! They can call on lots of people at the Office who have a Word with the landlord. Once he understands the Outlook he'll hand over a spare set of keys.

[Korev]

Re: Microswat

Ahh, some thinking outside of the Xbox thinking

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Microswat

*folds arms, looks moody*

Word

[Tim99]

Re: Microswat

It ws quite hard to get Access then, did money Exchange hands?

[FirstTangoInParis]

Re: Microswat

Using Bitlocker, of course

[the Jim bloke]

Re: Microswat

but in this case and very fortunately for all involved, the user had accepted the Win 11 upgrade

the user involved may challenge that statement.

[that one in the corner]

"I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

Vest, yes.

Fully automatic rifle? So you've recently passed your armed response training cert? In which case, why the worry?

Oh, you mean you've got a handgun and was allowed to try the rifle out back of the Sheriff's office, just for a laugh, and believe that makes it sensible to hand you one in amongst all those juicy targets - most of them on your side!

Dangerous macho bullshit thinking.

[LBJsPNS]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

Oh FFS.

facepalm

[ChoHag]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

Why do you think he's stuck in the corner?

[that one in the corner]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

Because it gives me clear lines of sight to every part of the room and the solidest part of the wall to protect my back.

BTW I was taught to shoot, .22 rifle from the age of 12 and then into the CCF (bolt action .303 over the shoulder, used more for marching up and down than in the range, swizz). Got a score that rather surprised me, and the teachers, but nowadays expect me to know more about the poem than the actual naming of parts.

Haven't bothered with firearms since (two or three times with one of those laser-modified shotguns and clay pigeons): no point, really. Not a useful daily skill.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

"I was taught to shoot, .22 rifle from the age of 12"

I suppose I also might have been taught to shoot early - dad was a notable poacher in his younger years. However, when I was born he got rid o his shotgun so I grew up unused to being around firearms. On the whole I wouldn't swap your early exposure to my lack of it; it might have saved by life some decades later.

One day a rifle which had been dug up was brought into the Lab for examination. I was called down to reception and asked to take a soil sample from it (complete nonsense!). As with the very few other times something like that came up I was very circumspect with it, having no background with such things. In the canteen couple of weeks later one of the firearms examiners casually mentioned that it had been found to be booby trapped. A shotgun booby-trapped in much the same way had exploded in a police station down-town killing two officers a little while back.

After that they brought in a rule that all firearms presented for examination had to be X-rayed before being brought into the Lab.

[that one in the corner]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

> Oh FFS

Yeah, that's what I thought when I read that line.

Glad you agree with me, when seems so many support that "I can go in with the SWAT, guns blazing" attitude. Even if said in jest (and how hilarious that is).

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

>Fully automatic rifle? So you've recently passed your armed response training cert?

This is a BOFH, when he says Fully automatic he means something "Fully" automatic.

With, obligatory-IT angle, a Grid laptop

[that one in the corner]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

I prefer my fully automatics to be more pro-active, with full vocalisations:

"Is anyone there?"

"Could you come over here?"

"Target acquired"

"Preparing to dispense product"

"Your business is appreciated"

And, of course, the ever-popular:

"Take me with you..."

Although the singing is questionable.

[Adam Foxton]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

For those who missed TOITC's reference and downvoted,

"I don't blame you".

[the Jim bloke]

Re: "I need a bulletproof vest and a fully automatic rifle..."

One of the few bits I remember from the movie World War Z, was the specialist/scientist/expert being given a gun at the start of the mission, then tripping over and killing themselves on attempting to leave the helicopter? (spoiler alert)

The other main bit I remember is an infected somehow locking themselves into an airplane toilet and turning - despite it being a key story mechanic that it only took about 12 seconds from bite to turn...

[Bebu sa Ware]

If I were Solomon I might be wishing for…

a Hazmat suit, respirator etc rather than a bullet proof vest and assault rifle.

The absolutely toxic shit spread over drug labs would give me the horrors. (Give microwave ovens on kerbside garbage collection a big miss.)

Normal keyboards and mice aren't the most hygienic at best so I imagine those of the wannabe synthetic chemists of the Dr Google and Prof Youtube academy would breach several international conventions.

[MiguelC]

Re: If I were Solomon I might be wishing for…

Although Prof. Youtube has excellent examples of why masks are optional for firefighters fighting drug house fires, and reporters reporting about burning drug stashes.

[Boris the Cockroach]

What was that?

was the question posed by the recent new recruit to the government department of doing very funny stuff for not much money

"Get down you bleeping* idiot!!" yelled the sailor dragging said recruit to the deck while another one went overhead

Beer because there was a subsidised bar on board. hic.

* bleeping was not the word used

[CA_Diver]

I'm Mostly Harmless

Decades ago, we had support person give his notice and leave the week before a customer conversion was scheduled. Turns out he didn't do any anything on the project. I was handed a box of paper and open overtime. Now the office park we were in was two blocks from a Marine Corps Air Station. Helicopters would rattle the building every afternoon. I drove in Saturday, which was an air show weekend. As I pulled into the lot, I noticed a police cruiser following me. I parked and stepped out carrying briefcase, shouldered soft cooler, and box of paper specs. As I lifted, I noticed another police cruiser blocking the alley and a third taking position on the other parking lot exit. The first police car parked a few spaces over, one of the officers stood behind the car and his partner walked up to me. Damn! I don't know what's going on but they're ready to start firing. I put down everything, and showed empty hands at my waist, "Hello officer can I help you with anything?" He told me they had a silent alarm, office under duress at our suite. I offered to open the door, he nodded. I unlocked the door, secured the alarm, and gave the secret all clear to the alarm company's call. The office was empty, confirmed by police sweep. Turns out the air show antics triggered a duress alarm. The office had a police officer's wife on staff so that may have contributed to the enthusiastic response. I clocked the rest of the weekend coding and made the customer's schedule.

[Yet Another Anonymous coward]

Re: I'm Mostly Harmless

Or it could have been a way to rob the office at the cost of a couple of movie-prop police car rentals and a few uniforms

[lepermime]

Oh hi officer

Back in the late 90s, I was tasked with replacing a Yagi and an omnidirectional antenna on top of a 100-foot tower. At the time, I worked for a small ISP in a small Midwestern US town.

No safety harness available, so I improvised using 1-inch tubular webbing and D-rings I kept in the trunk next to my rappelling ropes. I strapped the omni and the Yagi to my back with more webbing and started climbing. It was my first time going up a tower, and it went well (maybe not as fun as a rock face) but still fun. When I reached the top, I looked down, I saw people in uniforms around the base of the tower, watching me. Reeplaced the antennas, then took a minute to adjust my harness so I could stand on top of the tower and sway gently in the wind. At that point, the people below started moving around in a hurry.

I greased most of the way (sliding down the stiles), halfway down the yelling started. Young and dumb, I hadn’t realized the owners of the tower was nice enough to share it with us. Those owners were the county sheriff and the fire department, and my boss hadn’t told them I’d be going up that day. Didn't get in trouble, it was easily resolved when they saw the antennas on my back.

Small-town Midwest USA was an excellent place to cut my IT teeth. The technology was always about a decade behind, but the people, and stories, Chef's Kiss.

[agurney]

More curiosity than intimidation, but for a week I had to walk past some manned serious weaponry on the back of a land rover when entering Saudi Telecom in Riyadh to deliver a training course.

[NetMage]

I was on the phone with our field installer who was at a small motel in rural country (I was lead developer for our hotel front desk software) helping him troubleshoot an issue when he said he had to hang up, a guy with a gun had entered the lobby and told him to get down behind the desk.

Turned out the police were raiding some of the rooms

being rented by bad guys.

[FirstTangoInParis]

I’ve heard stories about someone checking in to a hotel, then crashing the emergency exit to let several more friends in to kip (or other) in the same room. Hotel staff not happy.

[0bits2026]

TLDR - he went for a ride in a car....

[ChrisBedford]

What, no shots fired?

Positively ho-hum.

[Emjay111]

Did some field service calls to a state run childrens home back in the early 80's. Like many of these homes, it was in a large Victorian house with extensive grounds.

I'd checked in with Reception in the front hallway, and was about to walk up the stairs to the first floor where our kit was located.

I was half way up when a highly emotive young lady appeared at the top of the stairs, carrying a fire extinguisher. She threw it directly at me, but fortunately, the stairs were wide enough for me to side step out of the line of fire. It landed in the hall at the bottom of the stairs with a heck of thud. She turned and ran, at which point two members of staff pushed past me as they ran up after her.

To this day I've no idea why this happened, or what was going on, but if it had hit me, I'd have needed medical attention that's for sure.

Prisons weren't too bad to work in, although when in a room with inmates, I tended to keep my tool case behind me or whatever I was working on. Returning to the car for a spare part was a huge pain in the prisons. I used to hate how long all the security checks took.