Blustering Blackbeard's PC was all at sea, sysadmin got him shipshape in seconds

Arrr! How is it Friday already? The Register can't explain where the week went, but we can deliver a new installment of On Call, the reader-contributed column that shares your stories of tech support SNAFUs. This week, meet a jolly reader we'll Regomize as "Roger" who thinks he may have broken our record for fastest tech …

[K555]

I was once on a client site on a call out when another issue got phoned into our office. A user (a particularly whingey one) was reporting one of their screens had failed. It made sense that I just pop to the machine in question rather than the support desk talking it through on the phone.

I sat at the desk and tried to ignore the whingey noises emanating from behind me. Looked at the monitor and saw there was no power light.

My first thought was actually "shall I pretend this takes me a minute to find or shall I just push the power button first?"

I split the difference and switched the monitor on after a little look around the desk.

From behind me, the immediate reaction was "well why was it turned off!?"

[Sam not the Viking]

Blank screens and faces......

It's such an obvious problem/solution. I have applied this miracle to others on several occasions. Of course, it never happened to me.

Not that anyone observed.

[StewartWhite]

Even better than that

I had somebody senior at a previous employer who was ranting about why were the monitors we provided so rubbish, he'd only had it a week and the text was so fuzzy on screen as to be unintelligible.

I noticed that he had glasses but they were perched on his forehead and gently suggested that he put them in front of his eyes where they would be of somewhat more use. He blustered that it couldn't possibly the reason for the blurriness but when he tried this the "IT" problem was solved and he was left looking red-faced but didn't apologise,

Shortly thereafter he got me taken off the contract at that company as he didn't like my attitude. What a tit.

[KittenHuffer]

Re: Even better than that

He obviously couldn't clearly see how useful you were on that contract!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Even better than that

I just had official proceedings launched by my IT department against me for being "unprofessional".

I had the audacity to say that their shiny 'new' (rehosted) tool didn't work and provided the proof that over 1000 runs on the 'old' tool worked perfectly between 2023 and 2024 (it's apparently a tool that is only used at the start of big projects).

Turns out that they had no idea what the tool version was that had been working for me and they had overloaded their 'new' version everywhere.

My guess is that the destination of the data the tool produced was actually the problem, it having gone through a few major versions in the intervening time.

Anon: I don't think that any of our IT dept. is cognisant enough to read The Register, but just in case I don't want them to learn my user name.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Even better than that

Been there, done that, got the layoff. I learned to mostly just keep my trap shut. I may occasionally point out a flaw, but if I do I'll only mention it once. It was then that I stopped going above and beyond for any company, and just started treating the job like a paycheck. At my current company there are a number of suggestions I could make that would streamline systems, result in faster resolution times and drive customer satisfaction to new highs, but nope. I'm just here for a paycheck, and trying to make changes for the better that makes management look bad (even if just the two of us know) does not help me get paychecks.

[Doctor Syntax]

There's always the opposite problem - the equipment that won't switch off. A cousin-in-law brought over his laptop (coincidently a Toshiba) that despite having had shutdown clicked was still running - fan on, etc. Pressing the power key had no effect either. Hold down the power key for 5 seconds.

[Martin an gof]

Hold down the power key for 5 seconds

Surprising how many things this trick works with. These days, almost anything with a "soft" power button. Phones, obviously, but I've also used it on recalcitrant DVD players, TVs (many do still have a power button somewhere, though it might not be obvious) and even a locked-up Roland keyboard that was bleating out the same note constantly. Somethimes it takes a lot longer than five seconds; the keyboard was at least ten IIRC.

Of course, for most of these things it's just as safe – if not always quite as easy – to pull the power. In the case of the keyboard however it would have meant pulling batteries as well as the mains adapter, so a lot more hassle.

M.

[Andy A]

I was surprised to find that it worked on my mum's washing machine. It still waited a full minute before unlocking its door.

[C R Mudgeon]

'From behind me, the immediate reaction was "well why was it turned off!?" '

In the inimitable words of Vivian Stanshall from the uncensored version of Tubular Bells, "buggered if I know".

(That's not the whole opus, only a 3-minute clip.)

[KayJ]

Those Toshiba wireless switches are a right pain in the behind - our users were perpetually turning them off. We ended up deliberately breaking them in the "on" position for some laptops.

[Chloe Cresswell]

Dell laptops and slipcase style cases was one of my client's loves.

Pulling the laptop out of the tight case moved the switch every time of course.

[HXO]

At least on the Dell laptops I was exposed to, the !#¤!"%!!! switch could be disabled in (98% sure) the BIOS, which became our standard setup 2 days after the first PC got in user hands.

[Mast1]

"Toshiba wireless switches are a right pain in the behind"

Yes, call me paranoid, but some of us users do not trust software switches not to be "re-manufactured" in a (usually remote) software update.

"re-manufacturing" a switch requires a physical agent to have pried it out of your cold dead hands..........

[K555]

I feel like those switches don't turn the card off, they just tell the driver you'd like the radio off like a wireless toggle on a function key.

So you're still at the mercy of software.

[Anonymous Coward]

Two hour on a train...

I had a client's new PA who ranted at me over the phone. Same as the pirate in the story. Just remote. "Wifi don't work". So I asked her to flip the switch. She refused to acknowledge the switch. Kept telling me there was no switch.

Next day, sat on a train for two hours. Walked into the office, walked up to PAs desk. Flicked switch. Walked out of office, nodded a quick "hello" to the boss, walked out. Back to a two hour train journey home. Charged them for the day trip.

Funnily enough that PA was not around for much longer.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Two hour on a train...

I've done similar, but made a point of talking to the boss while there to explain the problem and the reason they'd be getting a bill for £lots.

Also ask if there's anything else they'd like me to look at whilst I'm there.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Two hour on a train...

Okay... so the above was slightly edited. I had known the boss for ages. We had a quick chat as I headed out. And there was nothing else needing my physical attention.

It was an open plan office, so I had to complete the "staff review comments" by phone another day. I had already warned him by email that it was the PA causing the issue as he had to okay the journey to site.

Still never had time to take my coat of and was on the next train out of there. Barely in the city for an hour before heading home. He knew a London visit would cost him a day normally, as even in the early 2000s I was doing everything by remote access. I only charged him half a day this time.

Sometimes annoying people are nice to have at a company as they make lots of extra chargeable work...

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

Re: Two hour on a train...

"staff review comments"

The whatnow?

You have a special box on the I.T. ticket system for how much of a dick the user was ?

I didnt see that in the ITIL spec

[42656e4d203239]

Re: Two hour on a train...

>>I didnt see that in the ITIL spec

Like all(? certainly most) specs that only tells you what an ITIL compliant system should cover as a minimum. Actual implementation is down to the software manufacturer I guess... so extras like "On a scale of 1 - 10 how much of an idiot/PITA was this customer?" on the ticket closure form are optional.

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

Re: Two hour on a train...

Yeah I get that , but extras like "On a scale of 1 - 10 how much of an idiot/PITA was this customer?" are a hark back to the infancy and unprofessionalism of widespread I.T. in the early 90s

I am just as guilty - The company I worked at back then had a home made ticket system with two comment boxes , one the customer could see , and one for slagging them off , but these days we are supposed to be more professional , at least when not behind several closed doors ( or posting on el Reg)

.. and not act like this "I.T. guy"

https://youtu.be/02a723LsoFA

[NetMage]

Re: Two hour on a train...

Today’s ServiceNow has two kind of comments, internal work comment and customer visible comment.

[FrogsAndChips]

Re: Two hour on a train...

Data breach PR disaster in waiting...

[GlenP]

As soon as Toshiba was mentioned I diagnosed the problem - they were notorious for that happening.

[DS999]

Toshiba?

Windows more likely the problem. I've seen that with Windows ever since XP or whenever it started doing a proper shutdown, and it didn't matter who made the laptop. Still happens with Windows 10, just perhaps a bit less often.

Can't solely blame Windows though as I've had this happen on my Linux PC a couple times over the years - usually when it had been swapping earlier so it start swapping in processes to be able to kill them. Cutting the power is more merciful than watching it struggle lol

[Tim99]

Re: Toshiba?

I live in a retirement village and turned my last Windows (VM) machine off 27 months ago (yes I keep count and celebrate). I used to help a few residents out with Windows. Now I say to them that I don't know anything about V11, so I can't help them. Does networking on some machines still randomly die after patch Tuesday?

[A.P. Veening]

Re: Toshiba?

Does networking on some machines still randomly die after patch Tuesday?

Not randomly and not some.

[Kobus Botes]

Re: Toshiba?

@Tim99

"...does networking... ...still die?"

Any time fot no reason at all.

And you HAVE to reconnect every time after a reboot. It just flatly ignores the reconnect automatically flag. Or rebooting is so traumatic, it suffers amnesia and just sits and wait for you to resuscitate it.

Or the tickbox is just a remnant of olden times, but nobody knows what it was supposed to do, so could not be bothered to remove it. Or something else not even remotely related to networking and that does not depend on wifi completely breaks when they remove it.

Whatever.

[jake]

Re: Toshiba?

"Any time fot no reason at all."

Typo in the config files?

[Anonymous Coward]

Toshiba also did physical volume controls on the edge of laptops. Black on black, obviously. I had several "sound doesn't work" calls that involved carefully guiding the user to that adjuster.

[Mast1]

"Black on black, obviously."

Another example of where Douglas Adams appears to have had a streak of the prophet in him, laptops coming along after his version of Hotblack Desiato (not the London version).

[Anonymous Coward]

matt black hifi equipment with invisible controls was well in vouge when hitchhiker was written

[GlenP]

The trend has returned* with Bluetooth sound devices.

I was looking for a simple, fool proof, small amp/speaker for a friend for small group presentations as his laptop speakers aren't up to the job. In the end I gave up looking at things that had flashing lights and touch sensitive black-on-black controls with obscure symbols; I built him one with an on-off switch, rotary volume knob and 3.5mm jack socket using a small 12v car amp module and speakers in a 3D printed case. The external 12v PSU just "happened" to be lying around in my box of useful gear!

*We live in a cyclical world in IT.

[Martin an gof]

Not just HiFi. We have just had to buy a new dishwasher. One of the first removed from the shortlist was the one with touch sensitive controls which "appear when you touch them". No kidding – until you wipe your hand across it, this machine has a white control panel with no obvious markings at all!

M.

[tiggity]

You can get some basic amps with decent output watts (usually class D at that price - so sound (IMO) a bit poor compared to class A) quite cheaply. Though all relative - far better quality than the inbuilt amps in affordable bluetooth speaker systems.

I recently replaced my old HiFi* speakers & decided to make use of the old speakers in my workroom (PC in there with DVD/CD) - only cost was amp.

This one takes standard inputs (can get a headphone jack to phono connectors leads so easy to link to PC, or can use Bluetooth for worse quality sound)

Less hassle than building my own amp when they are cheap.

ludicrously long ali express link

* Not for sound quality reasons, but because partner moaned they took up too much space! Old Bowers & Wilkins speakers with great sound & (importantly, easy to drive as from the days when "proper" HiFi amps were quite low wattage) so do a good job of making up for amp quality.

[Tim99]

Being deeply sad, and probably having too much money, the Naim kit owned by myself and Mrs Tim99 was satisfactorily matt black. It just had rotary controls for volume, balance, and input selection. A later version had a toggle switch to set "normal/mute/monitor (for recording) - Yes we sometimes forgot it was on mute, and wondered why the wireless or LP12 weren't working properly...

[Doctor Syntax]

Having a physical switch whose position can be observed is better than a random function key bearing a hieroglyph, totally meaningless and yet intended by the manufacturer to convey the information that this is the wifi switch. Accompanied by a pinprick of an indicator LED in the case edge marked by the same symbol shallowly impressed nto the plastic of the case next to a few other equally inconspicuous LED with similar symbols.

[ICL1900-G3]

Amen!

Aircraft gps and autopilots often have controls on touchscreens. You try hitting one of those when it's turbulent!

[Antron Argaiv]

HP logic analysers with their touchscreen controls. In the lab, pointing out the issue on a trace, and the screen switches to the setup screen as soon as your finger hits it.

I disliked that "feature" very much.

[breakfast]

Several times I thought my old netbook had died because I had somehow accidentally knocked the precise combination of keys that disabled the screen. It was a secondary use for a function key IIRC, labelled with an empty rectangle which only ever made sense in retrospect. I still can't think of many practical uses for that.

[phuzz]

I think the intended use it that it would force the laptop to try and connect to an external monitor. So if you were having problems with it autodetecting, you could still force it. Which in my experience worked perfectly about 20% of the time.

[I could be a dog really]

Not only that, but it removes the "I don't care which screen you actually want your presentation on, I'm putting it on the one I feel like" problem with some software - if it's only got the external screen to use, then it's going to have a hard job using the wrong one.

Related problem, ever tried configuring PowerPoint to use the screens you want it to when you have three ? No, hint, Microsoft clearly don't think that's something we should ever have to think about. So in that case, again turning off one screen is the only way to force it to use your choice of screens - at least it does allow you to switch around which is your presentation screen and which is your crib sheet one.

[Paul Hovnanian]

Not always touchscreen controls. I got a good deal an an AN/USM-338 oscilloscope at the local surplus shop. It had a sticker on it "bright trace/no horizontal". And a low enough price to make fixing it worthwhile. Took it home, plugged it in and no horizontal drive. The function switches all had (somewhat) transparent rubber caps over them*. Upon close inspection, someone had poked the trigger control button, putting the scope in "single shot" trace mode. I set that to "free run" and now have a nice piece of test gear for a fraction of the EBay price.

*The caps serve to make the equipment somewhat splash proof. A few of the EBay listings actually describe this thing as a US Navy underwater oscilloscope. Nope.

[Prst. V.Jeltz]

Harder over the phone

but less spittle.

I used to have this problem a lot and first port of call is "does this laptop have a wifi switch , is it on or off" .

Obviously the user will have no idea but one thing you can reliably get from the user is the asset tag ( or if they have read out the one from the monitor / router / dock you can advise ). Once you have tag you know model . I prepared myself a document containing photos of said switches on the half dozen laptop models in circulation with a clear big red pointy arrows and which way the switch should be - these could be used for my own reference to advise user and then emailed to user for future ref .

[PB90210]

Re: Harder over the phone

"Can you give me the number on the asset tag... right, now the power switch is next to it, is it ON?"

Fixed a few...

[Anonymous Coward]

I worked on a site where that would have been very handy as they were not happy with Wifi signals, and our laptops needed booting up first before you could access the magic button in Windows.

We had to warn new colleagues coming on site to kill their Wifi while they were still in the hotel. If you were booting up on site the security people were usually already at your desk before Windows reached the point where you had access to the Wifi switch in the OS.

Obviously I cannot mention the site. Let's just say it lacked a degree of enthusiasm for uninvited guests..

[molletts]

I remember having the opposite problem with a batch of laptops that a couple of departments at a school had bought without asking IT first. They had a soft WiFi switch that defaulted to off then got turned on by the hotkey utility after login. Fine(ish) if the login is local (or a cached domain one) but problematic if they're in trolleys that get taken to a classroom then issued to a class for the lesson so need to be connected to the network in order to log in.

We managed to get them working by having a scheduled task start the hotkey utility at startup so as long as the user took their time typing their username and password, the laptop would probably have access to a domain controller by the time they clicked "OK". Computer-level group policy never worked properly, though, as the network was never available when the system wanted to apply it.

[Pete Sdev]

Hardware switches for WiFi, camera, and microphone on a laptop sound like a good thing to me.

A pain of course if your l-users cause problems with them.

[Anonymous Coward]

A good thing... as long as they're both obvious and difficult to change accidentally. Both factors have been heavily overlooked by manufacturers.

[TonyJ]

A switch...

A couple of times, actually.

I used to repair Word Processors. Not the fancy Amstrad types - the Sharp ones. They had a soft power button on the keyboard but also a physical power switch on the left side towards the back.

I can't count the number of times I took a support call to say flick the power switch.

But also an ex girlfriend. She was studying a masters and had previously got by with very basic electronic typewriters - alas one with a built in memory which she'd not got around to printing out anything when it died. There was nothing I could do at that point, so I got her a cheap (for the time - this was the late 90's) laptop and even managed to cadge a laser printer.

We'd actually split up by the time this happened but she called me in a mad panic because the laptop was dead. It took me a couple of moments to calm her down then eventually work out she'd left it plugged in to charge but hadn't turned the socket on. No nice critically low battery warnings back then. Click. Charging. Powered up.

That was not actually the first or last time I ever heard from her, but it was only ever when she needed help, so when she called me again a few months later for yet more tech support I politely refused. I never heard from her again.

[A.P. Veening]

Re: A switch...

but hadn't turned the socket on.

Nice way of telling you're in the UK without directly saying so.

[jake]

Re: A switch...

It's a leftover from their post-war austerity program. Keeps electrons from wastefully leaking out when the socket is not in use.

_{I learned not to correct folks who told me that when I lived in Blighty ...}

[Kernel]

Re: A switch...

"but hadn't turned the socket on.

Nice way of telling you're in the UK without directly saying so."

Nice way of telling us you live in the US without directly saying so - I've done exactly the same thing with my laptop several times and I live about as far away from the UK as it's possible to get without leaving the planet.

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: A switch...

> Nice way of telling us you live in the US without directly saying so

Ou, you fell for it! For example: Most of Europe (Ireland is still Europe) does not have a switch on their outlet as well! And what about Canada, Mexico and South America? And Asia? And Africa? And Australia? He could be US, but does not have to be.

[jake]

Re: A switch...

Hey, everyone who is anyone uses British style plugs. Place like Uganda, Indonesia, Singapore, UAE ... Was there anywhere else? Oh, yes, China, well known for their safe and sane wiring practices.

[dave 76]

Re: A switch...

but hadn't turned the socket on.

Nice way of telling you're in the UK without directly saying so.

Isn't this the norm in 240V countries? It's only countries with feeble power supplies that don't bother with a switch.

[jake]

Re: A switch...

My 50A 240V sockets (NEMA 14–50) don't have switches. Neither do the 20A 240V (NEMA 14-20) ones.

No, nobody dies. Sorry.

[Martin an gof]

Re: A switch...

Actually, switching 230V for a given power is actually easier than switching 110V – less current to break – so maybe the US eschews power switches on outlets because if they built them as flimsily as they seem to build everything else, they'd either weld themselves shut or cause fires :-)

Though I do believe there is/was a practice of switching sockets using a separate wall switch, and RCD sockets (GFCI) have or had a "switched" output I believe so that you could protect downstream sockets.

M.

[TonyJ]

Re: A switch...

Could be Cyprus, just for one alternative...

I mean, it isn't, but it could've been.

[Chloe Cresswell]

Had a client with a machine with out network access.

Refused to do what I asked, and I was heading south to a consultant doctor's appointment in London (this was in Lincolnshire).

Ended up swinging past the site, walking in, pushing the network cable back in, walking out, back in the car, heading to south to catch my train.

The next week I replaced the cable, due to the broken latch on the connector.

Call out fee for pushing a cable in and walking away.

[abend0c4]

A very long time ago, in the early days of Ethernet, a colleague was called out in the middle of the night to a location that had lost connectivity to the rest of the network. The location was served by a DELNI (Digital Ethernet Local Network Interconnect), an early form of hub provided with AUI connectors. DELNIs provided 8 ports for local equipment and a "global" port that connected to the (thick) Ethernet cable tap itself and thereby to remote devices.

You could also use DELNIs in a purely local mode and cascade them for up to 64 ports. For this reason, they were fitted with a tamper-resistant local/global switch that disabled or enabled the global port. Someone had obviously taken up the challenge and tampered. Merely pushing the switch back to the global position restored connectivity within seconds of arrival.

[dave 76]

Blustering Blackbeard's PC was all at sea, sysadmin got him shipshape in seconds

I once flew from London to Frankfurt to press one key on a Sun keyboard.

I spent longer taking the lift up to the office than I did in the actual office.

[Korev]

> "The man who managed this area was someone who could be transported back to a 1700s pirate ship," Roger told On Call.

Roger the Cabin Boy?

[Fr. Ted Crilly]

Seaman Stains....

Or the Master Mate...

[Contrex]

Is masturmation the new 'solitary vice'?

[Phil O'Sophical]

Master Bates, ITYM.

[chivo243]

John Belushi as Samurai Baker, Ah you truly are master baker!

[Scott 26]

"Are you baiting me?"

"Yes, I'm a master at it"

(credit to Lethel Weapon 4, maybe, IIRC?)

[Free treacle]

Be part of the solution, not part of the problem

Captain Pugwash

Mister Mate

Barnabus

Willy

Tom the Cabin Boy

Other saucy names are misinformation.

[Korev]

Re: Be part of the solution, not part of the problem

But where's the fun in that....

[Doctor Syntax]

He sounds quite jolly.

[chivo243]

Very Jolly if you ask me!

[Sparkypatrick]

Jolly by name, Jolly by nature.

[benjya]

1.5 seconds without leaving my desk

User calls. I answer and hear beeping. User complains about beeping .I say check if you have anything resting on any keys of your keyboard. Beeping stops.

[chivo243]

Re: 1.5 seconds without leaving my desk

I've told that story here a few times. My document is possessed! The old secretary transcribing hand written meeting minutes with the corner of a binder on the ctrl key. Move the binder!

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: possessed

We had a possessed minivan. Dome light started flashing on and off at random and the doors were locking and unlocking.

The drivers side door hinges had slipped a small amount so the door was just a bit crooked. The door closed switch was not pushed in far enough, so it was alternating between open and closed as the minivan hit bumps in the road. I taped a nickle (US) on the body where the switch hit until we got it taken into the shop to get it fixed.

[Dave K]

> Have you fixed a fault by merely flicking a switch?

Yep, but rather boringly in my case, the switch in question was the power button.

It was back in 2004 and I was fresh out of University and working in IT support for a local council. I got a call to say that a PC in the office next to the front desk wasn't working and was just showing a blank screen. Despite being young and green, I did ask if it was powered on (ie, is there a green light on the front), yes there was apparently.

Given that the office in question was only a 30-second walk from my desk, I decided just to pop along and take a look at it - quicker than troubleshooting over the phone. The moment I walked into the office I saw the problem. The monitor was on, but the slimline Optiplex underneath the monitor was not. I hit the power button and it booted up just fine. Turns out it was a shared machine that was usually powered on 24/7, the current user was not IT literate and had never had to turn the base unit on before. Users of that system usually just logged off and switched the monitor off at the end of their shifts.

[Yorick Hunt]

Of course, the monitor is "the computer," and the box that it's plugged into is "the hard drive."

[Dave K]

Yep! I'd read tales about people confusing the two, but never really believed it until I came across this situation myself.

[FifeM]

Actually, I'm reading this on an "all in one" machine where the 'computer' components are on a board behind the screen inside the 'monitor'. The small box plugged in to it is a hard drive.

[phuzz]

On one call I specifically made a point of explaining that the screen and the computer were separate, and that the computer would be under the desk. After a very frustrating 15 mins of trying to get the user to turn the computer on, in desperation I asked them how far apart the button they were pressing was from the screen.

"Oh, it's on the screen"

*mute phone, bang head on desk

The call was resolved quite quickly after I explained a second time the difference between a screen and a computer...

[xeroks]

Had that when I got my first PC. It was huge, to be fair. After I'd set it up, I was showing it to my mate - who's demonstrably cleverer than me - and he said, "so when can you get rid of the big box?"

Mate - that *is* the computer.

Having said that, he's the one who was building computer-based lesson plans. I asked him which software he was using, he answered "Microsoft". Not "Microsoft Powerpoint" or whatever niche application he needed. Just "Microsoft," and refused to accept there could possibly be any further clarification required. I can see that perhaps in his organisation/peer group, calling the software "Microsoft" was sufficient. Or maybe it was called "Microsomethingelse" and he got it wrong.

[Anonymous Coward]

Just think how confusing it gets when they are faced with a monitor, docking station and laptop!

I did once have someone come and tell mme that one of the computers in the next office wouldn't turn on. I went and had a look, and sure enough it was a docking station. The user was bemused to learn that a docking station wasn't a computer and couldn't be used without a laptop...

[PB90210]

But that can't be the problem... look there's a mouse, keyboard, monitor and LAN connection

[Doctor Syntax]

"Users of that system usually just logged off and switched the monitor off at the end of their shifts."

Having users who log off could almost be a bonus. We used to have a reminder in MOTD ending with "this includes $RECENT_CULPRIT". Eventually they learned.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Somerset

Sony monitors with physical switch at the back, users in Social Services returning from holiday.

Dead PC - Log urgent ticket as they have backlog.

Manager escalates it (Who has forgotten this happened the week before last), as user has backlog

In house Desktop team meander over... or just send the ticket to the IT Hut in the car park, which gets to me or whoever, just as we are going to lunch.

Come back from lunch, user & manager (Who still hasn't remembered this happened the week before last) have both escalated it again as backlog.

Only one way to deal with these escalations - Put the kettle on & have a cuppa.

Walk up to the abuse of where have you been, we have backlog!

Icon - Flick switch at back, "Ohhhh is that all it was.....I remember now I turned it off before I went on holiday"

Leave them to explain to their manager, why they haven't done any work today.

Close ticket with a suitably thinly veiled comment that Social Services staff are still thick as shit "Turn on power switch that user turned off before going on holiday"

[Yorick Hunt]

Re: Somerset

"Only one way to deal with these escalations - Put the kettle on & have a cuppa."

The BOfH skills are strong in this one!

[David 132]

Re: Somerset

Or Edmund Blackadder.

"Come on, Blackadder, or we'll miss the first act!"

"Coming, sir, as fast as I can...

...Stick the kettle on, Baldrick."

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Somerset

I like to keep my answers to tickets like that professional - Applied power to device, tested.

[John 110]

misdirection (what were tey thinking when they designed it)

Had someone fruitlessly stabbing the big silver "on" button on the front of the Dell box (might have been an Optiplex.)

[Mishak]

Bash,bash, bash. F*****g keyboard, grrr...

My reponse - "Try the one next to it".

[Sam not the Viking]

Re: Bash,bash, bash. F*****g keyboard, grrr...

Yes!

The one that's plugged in......

[DailyLlama]

One of my IT dept colleagues...

Was getting really frustrated with a server one day, we could hear lots of huffing and puffing and muttering, then he slammed his keyboard on the desk, punched the monitor (CRT, so pretty indestructible), flipped the bird with both hands at the screen, and stormed out, slamming the door.

Sadly, the door happened to have a fire safety closer on it, so after a briefly quick movement, it slowed to a snails pace with a high pitched whine, and all five of us in the office had to wait 6 seconds for it to finally close before we could burst out laughing.

[Mishak]

Soft door closers

Is it cruel to install them on teenager's bedroom doors?

[Mast1]

Re: Soft door closers

Why start with teenagers ?

I think there is a wider market : my offspring is 3 years off the teens, but is getting in regular practice already.

[Mishak]

Re: Soft door closers

Ah, got beyond stampy-foot* early then.

* one of mine used to lift her leg so high "in preparation" that I was amazed she could remain standing at the resulting angle.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Soft door closers

Was a surprise to one of my teenagers that our new rabbits showed displeasure in exactly the same way as younger sibling – foot stomping – with less apparent expenditure of effort and much more noise than expected (in the hutch – not quite so loud in the run on the grass)

[Anonymous John]

I fixed one user's "problem" once about as quickly by toggling the insert key. Travel time 20 seconds.

[MiguelC]

Walk-trhough diagnose

I've already told this story before, but it'll sit well in this thread, so here it goes again.

I once stopped by a PFY trying to fix a user's Access application that had stopped generating email reports. He was at wit's end, having tried for hours everything he thought might possibly solve the problem. I nonchalantly asked the user if IT had done any upgrade that day. "Hm yes, they installed new printer drivers".

Ah.

After changing the default printer to PDF, the emails started once again being generated, because of course Access needs the printer driver to generate reports, even if they're not being actually printed.

More or less than 1,5 seconds to diagnose? No idea!

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: Walk-trhough diagnose

Fluke makes some very nice meters. Some of them even have a logging mode, you can leave them connected and they will periodically sample and record voltages, and even time stamp the samples.

However, the application to read the data off the meter:

- is licensed and sold ($$$ IIRC)

- requires Windows of a certain vintage

- requires Excel of a certain vintage

- is marginally supported (I think it's written by a third party)

- will only import from the meter into an Excel spreadsheet thorugh some archaic Windows magic which MS no longer supports

The IT department of my former company did not permit "lab computers", because accountability; required all machines to be running the latest version of Windows, no exceptions; charged for MS Office installs (again, latest version only); strictly controlled what software is allowed to be loaded on machines; and required all machines to lock after 5 minutes of inactivity.

I think you can see why this quite useful feature of the meters we bought remains unused...

[Sam not the Viking]

Re: Walk-trhough diagnose

I too have been caught in this dilemma.

My solution is to keep an old laptop 'off the books' and not connect it to the network in any way. At least it has the software and operating system compatible with the instrument. The data is transferred via a USB stick for further processing and record-keeping.

Otherwise it's a waste of a superb instrument.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Walk-trhough diagnose

Rules should be accompanied by a rationale which should, in turn, be rooted in requirements. Part of the rationale for this rule is that it means that rules have to be properly considered and, if need be, justified.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Walk-trhough diagnose

"After changing the default printer to PDF, the emails started once again being generated, because of course Access needs the printer driver to generate reports, even if they're not being actually printed."

One of those problems which takes seconds to resolve when you know about it, but is nearly impossible if you don't!

On that subject, anyone come across the issue of Windows servers' static DNS settings pointing to servers which no longer exist, and the server sitting at 'applying settings' forever when booting as a result? That's an easy one when you know how too - unplug the ethernet cable(s) from the server (or remove the virtual network adapter on a VM), and you can then log in and change those DNS server settings to ones which actually exist...

[Neil 32]

Working in schools doing IT support. Teacher finds me to say her interactive whiteboard wasn't working. Those things were always having issues of some sort so you dreaded them being mentioned. Walk into classroom, spot the light at the top of the whiteboard was the wrong colour, look behind the left bezel to see it wasn't turned on. Pushed the button, "Works best if you turn it on first", all sorted. Teacher clamed she'd checked that. Don't they always!

Probably took me longer to walk across the classroom to the offending article that it did to "fix"!

[Karl Vegar]

Quick fix

Admittedly not mine, but a former colleagues

A little background: I worked in a county, since IT is all about information, it naturally fell under the Public Information department, and the head of PI.

One day said head of PI called us, and needed someone to assist immediately since the PC would not turn on. A coworker was quickly dispatched, and soon returned. For some reason, pushing the CD eject button did not turn the PC, but the Power button worked just fine. Time to identify problem, probably in the low single digit seconds. Implementation: Probably took some time to either make the user use the correct button, or to move the user aside so the tech could. Testing: Ah, back in those days... "fat client", boot on Lan, probably took several minutes

[KittenHuffer]

I remember when I w**ked for the NHS visiting one orifice to install and set up some remote access software.

While there I was grabbed by a manager and asked to (take another) look at an issue they'd been having with a PC that had been moved. After it was moved from one orifice to another plugging it in caused the entire site network to crash. One of our people had been out a couple of times, and our third party support company had also been out a couple of times, but both had been unable to rectify the issue. All of this was explained while walking to the orifice in question.

Knowing that the site was using a single segment of token ring with EAD Sockets, and knowing an easy way to reproduce those symptoms I had a sneaking suspicion of what the issue might be. And a quick look from the door of the orifice at the PC and its network point confirmed my guess. I confidently walked over to the PC, plugged the token ring cable into the network wall socket ….. upside down ….. and then turned on the perfectly functioning PC!

I suppose I can forgive the wiring contractor for getting a single socket the wrong way up, but what I found harder to forgive was the half a dozen support visits that failed to spot a relatively simple token ring issue.

Diagnosed whilst walking to the orifice .... fixed as quickly as I could walk across the room!

[Korev]

When I had a job which included looking after PCs in labs, there was a microscope which you had to plug the fibre(?) in the opposite way to what the documentation said....

[Albert Coates]

Token Ring used hermaphroditic Data Connectors with fat twisted pair cables. EAD was for ethernet.

[KittenHuffer]

That's probably just a memory timeout issue. I mean, it was 35+ years ago, and I have suffered a TBI since then (when I was dropped on my head from several feet in the air)!

[Hopalong]

Back in the day (2010ish), my wife and daughters would ask me to take a look at friends laptops etc when they had issues.

I was expensive - Mug of coffee and a plate of chocolate biscuits...

One was a home visit as their laptop had stopped seeing the printer. I just reached over to the printer and pressed the Wifi on button.

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

"Have you tried turning it on?"

This is the even older version of the known IT non-joke.

Had that several times, albeit with normal people and none of the "exploding head scream around like a five year old who does not gets its bonbon" rage type.

[FifeM]

Re: "Have you tried turning it on?"

We learned that in first year lab at university. We had a very complicated signal generator covered in dials and switches and were unable to configure it to give us the required output. We called the supervisor, who fiddled with the settings without success. He called the lecturer, who also failed. Eventually the lab technician came over, went to the wall switch and went 'click'.

I've remembered that throughout my career, though I've forgotten most of the rest of that course. It's been useful numerous times.

[Luiz Abdala]

Brightness knob on IBM...

The brightness knob of an IBM monitor fooled my peers, more than once.

Remember ambar/green monitors? They had no light indicators whatsoever.

If I recall correctly, some were turned on/off on the exactly same knob to avoid this.

I'm showing my age...

[Hopalong]

Re: Brightness knob on IBM...

Slightly bigger IBM -

IBM 3033 Mainframe, yes I am old, just stopped dead in the middle of the afternoon with a red attention on the side of the console screen.

The 3036 console, big 'L' shaped table with two screens etc. had stop/continue buttons just above the keyboard, the shift leader and ops manager where starting to get concerned and were talking about stand alone dumps, IPL of the system, calls to IBM, which was a good 20-30 minute task.

I noticed that someone had plonked down a clipboard on the console and a corner was resting on the 'stop' button, I just moved it and hit the go/continue button and it came back to life.

[andy gibson]

I can beat 8 seconds

My office is next to a small meeting room. If I lean to my left I can see through the door into it.

In it is a TV for projecting. Like most modern TVs it doesn't have an ON/OFF switch, but the TV is wired to a socket with a light on.

If TV is working - it's displaying something.

If TV isn't, then it's in standby and the standby light is on.

If there's no light - the power is off at the wall socket.

So, cue countless users reporting "the TV isn't working"

I lean, see the standby button isn't lit and the socket is switched off. Time - about 4 seconds.

[Anonymous Coward]

"No-one can see me on teams"

Me: Slides open red colour privacy screen blocking camera.

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

Happened to a Napoleonic project mangler as well. Complained that his camera was not workening.

Yep. Privacy slider...

Herr Napoleon was not amused.

[Simon Robinson]

Done this many times.

Favourite one, while working in a school. Panicked call from deputy head, her laptop had "died suddenly" in the middle of working on some critical documents.

Walked into her office, looked at the wall, switched on the plug socket that her laptop charger was plugged into, and walked out again...

[ComicalEngineer]

Invisible buttons

I had a user (in the same building) who complained that her monitor wasn't working but that there was a little orange light showing.

I asked if she had turned the monitor on and she said yes, but then it had just gone off and wouldn't come back on when she wiggled the mouse.

A visit to site showed that she had pushed the keyboard right up under the monitor - which had the adjustment buttons underneath the right hand side of the casing.

Turned out that the top edge of the keyboard had pushed up against the monitor on/off button and turned it off.

I moved the keyboard, turned the monitor back on (small blue LED showing) and raised it about an inch to stop it happening again.

Turned out that she used to turn the monitor on and off at the wall plug and had never used the switch on the monitor itself!

Less than 15 seconds and I got a cup of tea and a biscuit for my trouble.

[vulture65537]

I had a user trying and failing to log in with a new account while using CAPS LOCK. I pointed this out but she was sure (all) computers didn't care about this.

[Autonomous Mallard]

I provided support for a batch of laptops with this type of switch, with a couple differences: it was a button, and the only indicator was a lighted ring around it which changed from blue (radios on) to green (radios off). Understandably, many users saw a green light and (foolishly!) assumed that meant the wifi was turned on.

[Robert Carnegie]

The inventor of the blue LED has a lot to answer for. :-)

Yes, it's clever and it's useful. Yes, low-wattage lighting would look weird without it. But nevertheless...

[tweell]

CRT monitor

My speedy repair was dealing with a salesweasel 30 years ago. They had just got a 19" CRT monitor the previous day, and were whining that it had gone bad. I showed up at their desk, saw that the monitor had indeed gone all wonky, and shut off the fan they had put right next to that behemoth of a monitor. A tap of the built in degaussing button and their screen was back to normal. "No, you cannot have a fan right next to that monitor, it causes interference."

That salesweasel called me back the next week because their monitor was acting up again, and their saved files were gone. This time they had used a magnet to hold their saved files floppy disk to the monitor, causing both to malfunction. "NO MAGNETS." "But I like this..." "Do you want the 15 minute lecture on how floppy disks and monitors work?" "No..." "Then follow the rule. No. Magnets. At. Work."

[ChrisBedford]

Happens all the time.

Monitors turned off because they have those stupid unmarked touch-sensitive controls on the front, right where your knuckles brush against the bezel while picking up a pen from the desk. Computers powered off because someone bumped the wall socket switch with a vacuum cleaner. Mice and keyboards unplugged / switched off inadvertently in a variety of ways. one of the most satisfying is desktop PCs with that little hardware switch on the back of the modular PSU right next to where the power cable plugs in, I long ago gave up counting how many times that was the problem. "But why was it switched off?!" - yeah, welll, ask the grandkids, old chap.

[TofLePlof]

5 seconds or so

A customer once called me (I'm a freelance computer troubleshooter) saying his computer wouldn't turn on and the power supply must have died in transport while moving houses. Got there, had a look at the back of the machine and flicked the PSU switch. The guy went "F*** ! I can't be so stupid !".

Another 5 second fix : a friend of mine once fixed a "possessed" mouse by removing a small piece of paper stuck to the LED.

[red floyd]

I once did a fix like that -- switch flip, but it took longer.

This was back in the days when devices were configured by a bank of DIP switches. We had an application that used both serial ports. The customer complained it wasn't working properly. I was the one who developed this app, so I got to go and figure things out. I loaded up my briefcase with every hardware tool I could think of... screwdrivers, breakout boxes, null modem cables, etc..., and got on a plane.

Fortunately, the flight was short -- Los Angeles to Monterey, so maybe 45 minutes. I get there, and sure enough, it's not working properly. I decide to open the box up and make sure everything is configured properly (the customer actually had the PC manual with him, thank the FSM). Guess what? Both ports were configured as COM1. Flipped the switch to make the second port COM2 and everything was sunshine and rainbows. We went out and had lunch on Cannery Row, and I spent the remaining two hours before my flight home giving the guy some extra training.

Of course, the drama on the way back was, "Would my flight even take off due to weather?". But yes, I made it home safe and sound.