BOFH: Nobody would be stupid enough to go live with the mirror system, surely

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns I'm enjoying a takeaway lunch of onion bhajis in Mission Control when the Boss walks in, accompanied by the Head Beancounter. "Brian's here to get some numbers from you," the Boss explains. "Not the enormous primes upon which my banking encryption is based, I hope?" I ask. "?" the Boss …

[steelpillow]

Yay!

There's nothing like an old joke told by a master.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Yay!

And Simon, make it look like an accident.

[Benegesserict Cumbersomberbatch]

Re: Yay!

Simon actually made it look like the natural consequence of a bereft Head Beancounter whose submission has been turned down by the board, who suddenly discovers his life balance is too deeply negative.

[IceC0ld]

Re: Yay!

and Simon, NOT in a tunnel, we'll never hear the end of it :o)

[Hurn]

Re: Yay!

"old Joke"

"Attempted Coo" - because the pigeon is hoarse, it can only attempt to coo.

(just in case someone didn't get it)

[Anonymous Coward]

The lithospheric braking experiment seems to be going well

[Chloe Cresswell]

A transfer of potential energy building at 9.8ms/2 into kinetic energy?

[Charlie Clark]

Did they have time to fit him with something to recover than energy?

[Anonymous Coward]

They're testing the EV's regenerative braking to see whether it works with vertical motion. How many bosses does it take to fully charge a Tesla?

[stiine]

All of them?

[KittenHuffer]

If they get the Tesla to move then that'll be a start!

And when it comes to rest that'll be a stop!

But then they're just going through the motions!

[IceC0ld]

did they set it all into AUTO, or just set HIM into an auto :o)

[Korev]

Now the Boss knows too much, will he have to be defenestrated too?

[Anonymous Coward]

Then they'd have to train a new boss, and a high turnover will eventually look suspicious, which would then increase the number of defenestrations etc etc.

It's all about efficiency, aka not wasting too much effort.

[Doctor Syntax]

The Boss turnover is suspiciously high anyway. Fortunately the management records will not show this.

[Slow Joe Crow]

standby boss?

There's an old BOFH where the head of IT has an accident and the interim boss is a technical manager who's done it so often he has a second set of business cards. Apparently this manager is smart enough to ride herd on Simon and the PFY for short periods while avoiding being given the job permanently.

[theblackhand]

Rather than looking at the number of bosses, you should add up the month's between bosses.

That's where you will see the savings...

[Rodrigo Valenzuela]

A good old defenestration... long time not reading one.

Good way to start a Friday.

R

[newspuppy]

LLM summary

Attempt to raise mirror fell down.

[Doctor Syntax]

So at least one board member is aware of the BOFH's special talents.

[Kurt 5]

The board knows what happens if they attempt anything.

[Anonymous Coward]

You think that phone call actually came from the boardroom? Ah, how cute.

Caller ID is trivial to spoof, particularly when you control the PBX.

[stiine]

Did they repurpose a 1960's floor-mounted high-beam switch to trigger the phone call?

[IceC0ld]

aye, just the one, as all the others only discover it once they are in a terminal decline :o)

[FIA]

Oh. Well. Color us surprised

Color??

Is nothing sacred anymore.

[David Hicklin]

Firefox really needs an add-on that auto corrects these spelling outrages - or at least presents the screen text in my chosen language Kings English.

[Will Godfrey]

Kings???

Oh you mean that odd guy with the very colourful robes.

I wonder if he's a secret BOFH. Nah, couldn't be.

[Anonymous Coward]

Yuopui merasnm opldf fgasty fgionmersd?

[DJO]

...auto corrects these spelling outrages...

As an experiment I wrote a program to put a document through a spellcheck twice, en-gb and then en-us and then it found the words that were errors in en-gb but not en-us, I wasn't expecting it to work very well but it gave a surprisingly good result. There were problems, the first suggestion was not always the one wanted, for example for "odor" the 1st suggestion was "door" instead of "odour" so full automation would be tricky but maybe this is a scenario where a LLM that could use context to choose the correct suggestion would be useful.

[FeRDNYC]

Because Operation Jumping Bean would've been racist.

[Anonymous Anti-ANC South African Coward]

"And people don't like it. They don't want us rejecting their oddball orders – like a 'portable laptop' with an 85-inch screen."

Buh-WHAT? Bro, I would like to see that laptop...

So glad I did not had any food or liquids in my mouth....

'tis beer o' clock for me... Tödelö!

[Doctor Syntax]

I'd draw the line at that but a 36" screen would be quite useful as my eye-sight deteriorates (and why is the Register comment entry page in a smaller font than the comment display page?) if only some sort of fold-away screen could manage it.

[Anonymous Coward]

Do what I did. I use a 50+ inch smart tv, not connected to the network, as my primary monitor, I don't play games so 120Hz isn't required.

[Bebu sa Ware]

Tödelö ?

Becoming a bit slow in old age. Looked it up in German etc though Spanish even Catalan. A brand of Ruritanian lager ?

The penny eventually dropped (like the retrenched beancounter.)

Toodle-oo.

[Philo T Farnsworth]

Re: Tödelö ?

What's an umlaut or two between friends?

Diaeresis you say? The restroom is down the hall and to your left, just past the employee's lounge.

[PRR]

> I would like to see that laptop...

43 inch: https://gizmodo.com/giant-custom-diy-laptop-43-inch-screen-youtube-video-1850150296

77 inch: https://www.tiktok.com/@alextcorea/video/7450944120501112110

[Blackjack]

They will have to start making sure people die at least one block outside the office, the insurance is getting expensive.

[PB90210]

The car park always needs another speed hump!

[chivo243]

give me some numbers?

1,000,006 That's always been my pat answer when someone wants a figure!

[stiine]

Re: give me some numbers?

What a missed opportunity to being the recitation of π just to see how long you could do so without being interrupted...

[A.P. Veening]

Re: give me some numbers?

Everybody knows the correct answer to that is 42.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Ahhhh...

Been way too long since someone took the express to the car park.

[strayling]

Illuminatus

23 and 17? The conspiracy is real!

[Herby]

Is operation "Operation high flyer"?

Simon's version of "Take him to the train station"?

Maybe with a little "less" violence.

[stiine]

...what spices to add to drinking water to mask the flavor of thallium.

Now I have to buy a new keyboard...

[Great Southern Land]

>>>...what spices to add to drinking water to mask the flavor of thallium.

It's tasteless, which is why it's a popular poison for such purposes.

[rototype]

Try chucking that phrase into Google - I did and it had to think for a while before saying it couldn't give an answer and here's what to do if you suspect it.

[5n0wcha1ns]

Why All the American spelling in this BOFH ???

U know what i mean, or lack of !!!

[BartyFartsLast]

FSD

What every bean counter needs,

Full Self Defenestration

[Persona]

Operation High Flyer

I like the sound of Operation High Flyer, though technically the sound is a short scream followed by a dull thud often followed by a car alarm.

[TangoDelta72]

Tempt fate, or court disaster?

We all know a broken mirror means seven years' bad luck.

[goblinski]

Pattern much :-D

...analyze TheRegister's series BOFH for the last five years, and output how many times someone was killed, fired or hurt at the end of each story. Ex: on the latest one, the beancounter flies out the window...

"Based on an analysis of the roughly 120 episodes published between 2021 and early 2026, here is the breakdown of the "casualty list."

Summary Table: 5-Year Casualty Report:

Category: Hurt / Injured Frequency (Est.): ~45 times Primary Causes: Taserings, "spontaneous" combustion, falling into the Thames, lift "malfunctions."

Category: Fired / Disappeared Frequency (Est.): ~30 times Primary Causes: "Operational Hoarse Pigeon," fake HR audits, relocation to the basement.

Category: "Killed" (Implicitly) Frequency (Est.): ~15 times Primary Causes: "Flying out windows, "The Gnasher" (macerator), or "the ninja clause."

Annual Highlights (Notable Outcomes):

2025–2026: The AI & "Innosplaining" Era:

Episode 3 (2026): A Loss Adjuster discovers liability is a "two-way street" and ends up in the Thames after a core network upgrade goes wrong.

Episode 22 (2025): Darryl, a "forward-facing" AI consultant, suffers "spontaneous combustion" when the PFY aggressively empties two CO2 extinguishers on him before he even catches fire.

Episode 21 (2025): The Head Beancounter is beaten down by a monitor mount during a budget dispute.

Episode 18 (2025): An HR representative is left stalled between floors 5 and 6 indefinitely during an "ambitious relocation plan."

2023–2024: The Return to the Office:

Hot-Desking Fallout: Several middle managers were fired after Simon manipulated the booking software to show they hadn't been in the office for six months.

The Window Incident: A particularly persistent beancounter was "assisted" through a high-rise window.

The "Ninja Clause": A salesperson was physically laid out after ignoring the warning to stay away from the server room.

2021–2022: Pandemic & Remote Bastardry:

Episode 23 (2021): A manager trying to track employees' home productivity is electrocuted via a rigged "smart" device.

The Lift Shaft: At least three "Bosses" were cycled through in 2021, with the majority ending up at the bottom of the lift shaft after attempting to cut the IT coffee budget.

The Vacuum Cleaner: A "homicidal" robotic vacuum was used to clear the boardroom of unwanted leadership during the Christmas party.

PS: I think it's about time Simon squeezes in some worthy HR nemesis. Like a starry-eyed intern or something. The battle is too uneven otherwise.