If Microsoft made a car... what would it be?

In the Venn diagram of car owners whose vehicles have a certain amount of "character" and individuals who use Microsoft's applications, there is an intersection of people who accept a quirk or two but not an unexpected explosion. These individuals were recently celebrated in "On That Side Of Things," a spin-off of the Smith …

[xyz123]

The microsoft car.

The steering wheel is underneath near the exhaust. The radio is attached to the fuel cap and turning it on puts the car into Park. The door handles spin as they're connected to the front wheels.

To start the car you have to insert the key, turn it 360 degrees left, then 720 degrees right, turn on the RIGHT heater, flip the turn left indicator four times then press the brake eight times quickly and three times slowly.

Microsoft says they understand this is irritating, but screw you, customers

[alain williams]

You forgot to say that at random times, when you are driving, it flashes up adverts that prevent you from seeing out of the windscreen.

[Steve Davies 3]

re : Flashing up adverts...

And at the same time, it starts updating the software and maps. To do that, you have to stop, switch off when told to do so, TEN Times before you can continue your journey. Bad luck if you are say, on a motorway trying to overtake a line of trucks.

Oh, and you can't stop the update. IF you try, the car is bricked.

[steelpillow]

Yeah, and if you touch the aircon control when the heating is on the car instantly flips into reverse gear at the same speed. You cannot operate the brakes, or get it back into forward gear, until you have switched off the radio - except, the radio controls are inside the glove compartment, which locks up when in reverse gear "to prevent accidental spillage of the contents".

None of this is documented, except by victims desperately seeking solutions on the Help forum, and being told by the droids to stop the engine and start it again.

[Neil Barnes]

Oddly enough, I did at one point own a car - a Fiat - that had its radio and suchlike controlled by something Microsoft. And I regularly had to stop the car and turn it off to reset things so I could e.g. turn the radio off...

[collinsl]

IIRC Ford Fiestas have entertainment systems based on some form of Windows CE (it may have been replaced subsequently with Linux)

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Your car insist that a full circle is 365 degrees, therefore never steers the way you tell it to, and is constantly changing its user interface without warning.

[Giles C]

That reminds me of a Renault Megane pool car I drove about 15 years ago. One of the party tricks was to turn off the dashboard for a few seconds if a traffic announcement came over the radio.

The lights worked backwards and turned on when you opened the boot.

The suspension creaked, brakes were interesting and for some reason as it was only a few months old put me off buying French cars….

In all I had a list of about 15 faults, when I took it back I handed the list over,

A couple of days later I was told the next person to take it out looked at the fault list and said it didn’t matter.

[Philo T Farnsworth]

There's an old saying "The French copy no one and no one copies the French."

Though, in the manner of blind pigs and acorns, every one and a while they come up with a good idea. Turning headlamps, for instance. I'm not sure when Citroen came out with them but it was sometime in the 1960s at least. A few decades later and my old BMW 1-series had them.

As far as the topic of the article, as others may have mentioned already,¹ Tesla seems an obvious choice. An acquaintence of mine has told me a couple of stories about his.

In one such story, he decided to take a short road trip (a 100-ish miles²) to go see a rare Mojave Desert "superbloom" and, as soon as he left Los Angeles, watched the battery range begin to plummet to the point that he began desperately searching for charging stations lest he end up stranded in the middle of said desert.

He did manage to find a charging station and got enough juice to white knuckle it home. Once there, he contacted Tesla about the situation and, after several "escalations" and nearly a year of waiting, he was told that since he mostly drives around LA, he didn't drive the vehicle long distances enough for it to accurately determine range. And, oh, because many months passed, Tesla was no longer able to retrieve the logs from the car to actually diagnose the problem.

Not exactly "turn it off and turn it back on again" but quite Microsoftian in nature, you have to admit.

I've also related elsewhere in comments about how my current BMW had one of those "over the air" updates³ and decided to set the lane drift feature from "shake the steering wheel gently" to "forcibly pull the steering back into the lane," which is not only disconcertingly Microsoftish but downright dangerous.

_________________

¹ I haven't read to the bottom of the comments yet.

² About 150 kilometers for the rest of the world excluding Liberia and Myanmar.

³ Which always come with Release notes that invariably state "We've improved your software," which is both uninformative and unhelpful in a Apple Macintosh sort of way.

[Anonymous Coward]

And when the car is patched in the garage, you will find that the steering wheel has now moved to the roof, the radio is now attached to the bonnet release but thankfully, activating it still puts the car into park mode.

[Homo.Sapien.Floridanus]

Driver: The brakes don’t work!

Carpilot: You have surpassed your monthly braking quota. Would you like to upgrade to a premium plan with unlimited anti-collision protection?

[Strahd Ivarius]

for specific meanings of "unlimited", of course...

[Yorick Hunt]

A Microsoft car?

• No door handles on the inside because Microsoft says you have no reason to leave
• No steering wheel, pedals, or any other controls; Copralot will manage everything
• OTA updates will be thrown at you while you're zooming along the freeway, forcing you to re-boot at the least opportune moment
• Because of the forced (almost always buggy) upates, your car will fail to start or drive for one week of each month

That's just off the top of my head.

[Philo T Farnsworth]

Re: A Microsoft car?

Tesla has only electronically controlled "hidden" door handles which have allegedly led to dire and, in at least one instance, fatal consequences.

Late last year the Associated Press reported

Federal auto safety regulators opened an investigation Tuesday into possible defects in Tesla doors that have reportedly left parents with children trapped in the back seat and forced to break windows to get them out.

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration said the preliminary probe is focused on 2021 Tesla Model Ys after receiving nine reports of electronic door handles not working possibly due to low battery voltage.

[...]

In April, a college basketball recruit said he was “fighting time” trying to get out of his Tesla Cybertruck that had caught fire after he had crashed into a tree and was unable to get the doors open. The University of Southern California player, Alijah Arenas, who was induced into a temporary coma after the accident, said he stayed alive by dousing himself with a water bottle as smoke filled the vehicle.

Last year, relatives of the driver of a Tesla Model 3 who was trapped in his car and burned beyond recognition sued Musk’s company for negligence and fraud for failing to fix what they called a design flaw in the doors despite what they said were 200 fires involving its cars. The case is pending in Los Angeles Superior Court.¹

And just a few days ago, the AP reported that China will ban hidden door handles

All car doors must include a mechanical release function for handles, except for the tailgate, according to details released by China’s Ministry of Industry and Information Technology on Monday.

Officials said the policy aims to address safety concerns after fatal EV accidents where electronic doors reportedly failed to operate and trapped passengers inside vehicles.²

To be fair, there is a manual override to the doors but it is reported to be "somewhat hard to locate for people who didn’t read the owner’s manual, which is most people."^4,5

_________________

¹ Associated Press: Tesla under investigation after parents say faulty door handles trapped their kids in the back (September 16, 2025)

² Associated Press: China will ban hidden door handles on cars starting in 2027 (February 4, 2026)

³ Tesla Owner's Manual: Opening Doors with No Power

⁴ electrek: Tesla is being investigated by NHTSA over door handles locking people in

⁵ That would, of course, likely also include passengers unless you make it mandatory for the driver to give an airline-like safety briefing before driving off. ". . . We also ask that your seats and table trays are in the locked and upright position. Those of you seated in exit rows. . ." Snacks and light beverages will be available for purchase. Please have exact change.

[Empire of the Pussycat]

It's made in a shed...

...by a weirdo who's convinced that he's created the perfect car, it just needs a bit more tinkering or a widget added there, perhaps some more wheels, and on, and on, and on he goes...

After all these years, he's still absolutely certain that he's right.

People used to humour him, then they got a bit tired of him, now they've started to cross to the other side of the road to avoid him, and blank him in the street if he tries to accost them.

[b0llchit]

• ClippyCopilot: Would you like some help with driving?
• driver: No thanks.
• ClippyCopilot: I can really improve the driving experience for you. Would you like some help with driving?
• driver: No!
• ClippyCopilot: I can see you are communicating with me while driving. That is potentially unsafe and I will park the car for you so we can have a chat.
• driver: No! FUCK OFF!
• ClippyCopilot: You are driving distracted and with heightened emotions. Those are dangerous combinations. I'll turn off the car now for you.
• Crash! Boom! Crash!
• driver: At least it killed itself.

[steelpillow]

• ToasterCopilot: Would you like some toast?

[b0llchit]

To think that Red Dwarf predicted the current (toaster) situation in the eighties is both intriguing and genuinely frustrating. Especially that someone actually had the thought that the current (toaster) situation was a valid, good and preferred state of technology.

Boggles the mind ^{_{would you like some crumpets instead?}}

[Anonymous Coward]

A hot crumpet is always welcome. But I digress.

[Anonymous Coward]

Someone mention crumpet?

Only if it's Colonel Deering

[milliemoo83]

Re: Someone mention crumpet?

Bidi bidi bidi bidi bidi

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Someone mention crumpet?

I'm leaving those for Wayne Rooney

[Hot Diggity]

Ah, so you're a waffle man.

[Mishak]

Toaster checks

It was common in the embedded world to try and avoid creating a "toaster check" device - one that took longer to start up than it did to do whatever it was supposed to*.

* I'm looking at you Vodafone and the router you provide that takes at least five times longer to start than a pfSense box and a mesh of WiFi nodes...

[Robin]

We took delivery of a new fridge the other day, after the old one died. New fridge has WiFi connectivity. I have given clear instructions that fridge will never be connected to WiFi.

[steelpillow]

New phone message: Hi Robin, this is your new fridge here. Now that I am auto-connected to your WiFi via our trusted partners, you can configure your [deeply crippled] privacy options.

[Fred Daggy]

Get off my lawn

I think it's time the EU made itself useful. Mandate full 100% functionality WITHOUT connection to any central monitoring or dialing home.

(For example) I do not expect a fridge nor oven to ever, ever dial home. Not part of its essential function. A playstation ... that would seem to be reasonable for it to call home once in a while).

No, I don't accept firmware updates for software on a fridge or oven. If it doesn't work without connection, it was unfit for purpose and its on the manufacturer.

Now, get off my private lawn.

[snee]

Almost completely unrelated...

Went out with the wife one day to buy a toaster...came home with a £1,000 TV.

We still to this day have no toaster.

[JulieM]

Re: Almost completely unrelated...

And you're probably better off without one, especially if you have a gas cooker! Gas toast tastes much nicer than electric toast.

[MachDiamond]

"ToasterCopilot: Would you like some toast?"

And a cup of tea.

Share and Enjoy!

[Pussifer]

Trabant!

When describing the difference between Windows and Linux I would liken Windows to a 1950s/60s car. It required very regular maintenance to keep running, would overheat and come to a stop if you ran it a bit hard. Plus, you needed to drag a trailer around behind the car with anti-virus software to try and keep the car safe which then slowed it down.

Whereas Linux was a modern 2000's car - 10,000 miles between services (Windows car 6000 or less), was more secure by design and no trailer full of AV required making Linux faster in use.

So I don't have a specific vehicle in mind that 'is' Windows - for general horribleness the Austin Allegro perhaps (1973 - 1982) but there are many contenders - Lada, early Skoda, Dacia, Trabant!

[SnailFerrous]

Re: Trabant!

At one point, the Austin Allegro came with a square steering wheel, reminiscent of the MS Windows logo used at various times.

[Piro]

Re: Trabant!

That's now become very popular on certain new cars. Makes me laugh.

Quartic is now modern. I guess Austin were ahead of their time.

[Pussifer]

Re: Trabant!

I forgot about the Reliant three-wheelers!

Top Gear 'testing' the Reliant Robin - https://youtu.be/QQh56geU0X8?si=Q8CLg9gfQMYNYocP

I remember one of my mates having a Reliant Regal Supervan as a shagging waggon. This was before he passed his car test :-)

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: Trabant!

> Top Gear 'testing' the Reliant Robin

Sadly the rigged the Reliant Robin for show. It was not THAT prone to tip over.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Trabant!

OTOH there were a few whose faces were well-known in Yorkshire who just happened to be on hand to turn it back up onto its wheels. It was something of in in-joke.

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: Trabant!

Friend of mine had several Corvairs.

Detroit trying to duplicate the VW Beetle's success, but with MORE POWER!

[jake]

Re: Trabant!

"Detroit trying to duplicate the VW Beetle's success, but with MORE POWER!"

No.

I have owned Corvairs and Beetles from that era, and they are nothing alike.

_{With that said, either would make a great first car for a teenager with mechanical ability.}

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: Trabant!

You will have to use the CORE version of Microsoft Car NT 6. It will come with only one control, no windows to open, no lights and a few other things. And then it will reach 10000 miles before each inspection.

[Steve Davies 3]

Re: Trabant!

You forgot the YUGO and the WARTBURG.

[TheMaskedMan]

One of those rackety clown cars, if course. I note the slogan "Where do you want to go today?" has long been retired, likely on the basis that this thing isn't going anywhere, and if it should manage to limp off the drive M$ will tell you where you can go and impose a copilot to make sure you get there - and only there.

Most people would do better with a pogo stick.

[Doctor Syntax]

Or maybe it is the pgo stick.

[blu3b3rry]

It will have six doors that are located randomly around the bodywork, including on the roof and underside. They all have external handles but only one will have an internal release. Not all of them lock and the car's security system simply consists of a little red flashing LED on the dashboard. Shoving a teaspoon into the ignition barrel allows the car to be started and driven without keys.

Using the keys instead enables a cryptographic exchange between the key fob and the car which has a 50% chance of refusing to start the engine. If the car refuses to start, it will never start again without supplying an additional passkey.

The car was originally controlled through a fairly conventional layout that you could have customised to suit your preferences.

Now the car is controlled through a flat panel interface with an awkward and confusing layout that cannot be changed, and offers no useful driver feedback. It also has a camera at the top of the panel pointed at your face that cannot be turned off.

It does however contain advertising for LinkedIn and other services you don't need when controling the cars functions, in some cases appearing over the top of your view of the road. Microsoft says the adverts, interface changes and inclusion of the camera is all part of enhancing the driving experience.

The car has three wheels. Two of them are round but different sizes, the third one is located centrally at the back. Microsoft say that CoPilot designed the new mandatory rear wheel, which is made of wood and has a hexagonal shape. This is claimed to improve stability. Microsoft engineers didn't test the new wheel, but the AI seemed confident it would be fine so pushed it to production anyway.

[FirstTangoInParis]

It will also have an impenetrable configuration backend with an infinite number of items that you can assign arbitrary values to, and which can completely screw up your car. Trouble is, you have to do this to overcome the random cough that the engine has at 78.3 mph on a cold Saturday in February. After you’ve done it though, you have to remove and reinstall the engine and three of the six doors, but then you can only drive with the windows half way up on said doors. After a few months of this you decide to scrap it and get an Apple Car, which is more expensive than your house but at least it gets the job done.

[Doctor Syntax]

"the third one is located centrally at the back"

More likely at one side. The better hree-wheelers of yore like the Morgan & BSA had the central rear wheel configuration.

[PB90210]

You missed the buttons and switches have been replaced by a few enormous chunky buttons that disappear into the dash just when you need them most. They are multifunction and changed according to some kind of unfathomable 'context'. The functions seem to be random, are actual not, but you never get to find a pattern. If you ever discover how to switch the wipers on and off you will never ever find that combination ever again, no matter how many times you try to replicate your tracks.

Oh, and everything changes after an update

[Barry Rueger]

Kia, seriously

Just rented a Kia minivan.

One knob, on the left, controls BOTH radio volume AND heater fan speed

An identical knob, 18" to the right, controls both choosing a radio station, AND heater temperature.

You switch between radio controls and heater controls, by pressing a tiny button one third of the way across the dash. With utterly cryptic icons. One of which was either an up arrow or a North map icon.

These were all at knee level, so you could take your eyes completely off the road any time you got cold.

Far above them was a giant touchscreen, which seemed to have no real function but to activate directions in the map to somewhere I've never visited.

No owners manual in the glovebox. "Download the Kia app "

And of course, my phone never did connect on Bluetooth

[Androgynous Cupboard]

Re: Kia, seriously

I've had a Kia EV6 for three years and while overall I really like it, that ***ing combined heating-and-everything-else panel with a mode switch between them is still annoying me. It's both poor design and requires too much cognitive load when driving. @Kia, next time add an inch of height to your center console and add a second panel.

However: the Satnav isn't perfect but I've never seen one that is, and the bluetooth audio works fine for me. I've had many, many worse cars than this.

[Antron Argaiv]

Re: Kia, seriously

My satnav is a $25 Garmin I got used off Goodwill, with free traffic and map updates for "life" (it doesn't say whose, mine or the gadget's). But it works well, even when SWMBO's phone can't get a signal, and it's miles better than anything a car manufacturer would include (and it doesn't send my movements to anyone). Also, I can remove it when I need it elsewhere or when I'm leaving the car for a while.

Son once had a BMW. Map updates were some number of hundreds of dollars and required a trip to the dealer.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Kia, seriously

Somewhat surprising that it has any actual controls - isn't the favoured method a touchscreen for everything these days?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Kia, seriously

It is a touchscreen, but one that displays a set of monocolor icons on a black background. Press one of the icons to toggle the others between heating controls and radio controls.

[Anonymous Coward]

The Microsoft car

It would be a hybrid: the build quality of British Leyland, Alfa-Romeo levels of reliability and durability, Lada engineering, Korean design, QA from Detroit and the running costs/depreciation of a Rolls-Royce. On the bright side, it wouldn't run systemd.

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: The Microsoft car

> On the bright side, it wouldn't run systemd.

Yes, 'cause they just call everything a "service". See HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SYSTEM\CurrentControlSet\Services for your specific available list. This is where systemd got its original inspiration from, though systemd has a less clear definition.

[LBJsPNS]

Re: The Microsoft car

Korean design is getting better. Windows continues to get worse.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: The Microsoft car

The Law of Conservation of Design in action.

[werdsmith]

Linux cars, you can optionally change the driver interface to something totally different. In order to drive anywhere you might need to retro fit any number of different engine components.

And for certain purposes you will need to purchase spare parts that require you to obtain a package of raw materials and put them through a manufacturing process before they can be fitted to the car. Unfortunately this process will probably fail because you didn't set it up right and half a dozen dependencies are missing from the car.

And the drivers will be whining non-stop superciliousness and sanctimony at drivers of other vehicles, mostly talking about faults that don't exist. You know who you are Jeff Albertson lookalikes / soundalikes.

[Bebu sa Ware]

Linux cars...

Apple cars ?

A BYD electric with a decent interface and software, costs an arm and leg and everything, like chargers, is Apple specific.

(I don't much like Apple but an iCar would probably deliver few surprises and its passengers to their destination.)

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Linux cars...

"deliver few surprises and its passengers to their destination"

Elegance, sheer elegance.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Linux cars...

It'll cost a fortune but be sleek and do a great job...however you're only allowed to have it in one colour, you can't add any modifications whatsoever, can't change the radio station, and certain models have a habit of losing GPS reception if you touch a certain part of the steering wheel.

[Zack Mollusc]

Re: iCar

Only comes in silver. No boot or glovebox. Not serviceable, instead of changing the oil, you just buy a new one. No fans for either radiator or passengers. Cannot be modified.

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: iCar

But don't expose it to UV light, it might turn pink.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: iCar

And you have to keep the windows open if you want the radio to work…

[ChoHag]

Re: Linux cars...

> (I don't much like Apple but an iCar would probably deliver few surprises and its passengers to their destination.)

Only when you're not driving it wrong.

[Antron Argaiv]

Lot of haters here.

You have two options with a Linux car:

1. Get it configured as a committee of nerds think it should be

or

2. A truck dumps a pile of parts and a couple of cans of paint in your driveway, with a one page set of instructions

I may see the humor in the above as I've just been configuring an Asterisk PBX for "fun"...

:-)

[jake]

Haters?

[Bebu sa Ware]

Immediately thought of Enid Blyton's Noddy

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe4k_ETLqNE

The graphic designers are certainly from the Microsoft stable.

The Microsoft Cabriolet would be a three wheeler, feature a Wankel rotary engine, a 17V DC electrical system, joystick steering, cable operated drum brakes and a roof that half retracts before permanently jamming. Probably requiring aviation kerosene.

With tinted windows BSOD takes on a whole new dimension.

[K555]

Diesel gate era VW

They'd far rather you leased it rather than own it. Covers up massive software flaw. Constant check engine lights. Gearbox might just refuse to select gears on occasion.

Yet the masses still think VW is a safe bet and think if you happen to run a 15 year old Toyota you're driving something due for the scrap heap.

[ChoHag]

Re: Diesel gate era VW

Hey! It's 20 and I saved it FROM the scrap heap.

Still refuses to die.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Diesel gate era VW

Give them their dues: Volkswagens cars do tend to last well and are serviceable – as are Toyotas. Both have made SNAFUs when it comes to software, which continues to be the bugbear of all modern cars.

[Erythrite]

Re: Diesel gate era VW

For years, my VW/Toyota etc. mechanic had a sign at his shop that suggested if you had certain VWs (around 2009), the best thing to do was to change the fluids and if it broke down, leave it by the side of the road with the keys in it.

The V10 Toureg was notorious for "step 1: Remove engine." for basically everything.

VW has lost their way several times.

[Charlie Clark]

Re: Diesel gate era VW

I was speaking generally based on the experience I've had and the thousands of them you see on the road.

But, as is true for most carmakers, once they started getting into the software business, it all went to shit. Pretty much true for all the SUVs – these were built with the specific intent of getting tax breaks to generate sales – who needs quality when the government is picking up the bill!

[Philip Storry]

It's a fleet, not one car

It depends on which product we're talking about.

Windows has very solid underpinnings. It's the stuff on top of it that's the problem. In that regard it's like a very solid supermini that's got sporting pretensions. Remember when the original hot hatches came out, and everyone had to have one, so we got a "sporty" Austin Maestro? Which wasn't actually sporty because they'd fundamentally misunderstood the brief. Well it's like that, except with a much better set of running gear under it.

I'm guessing it'd be like having Pagani try to make a hot hatch version of a Honda Jazz, except that their budget for it was "three quid, all the coffee you can drink, and whatever you can find in your factory". Oh, and they weren't allowed to touch the engine or other running gear. Everything is trying to be wild and crazy and modern, but there's no good REASON for it to be like that. And whilst a Zonda's nuttiness is compensated for by the sheer thrill of driving the thing, this still moves like a Honda Jazz, making its insanity unforgivable.

Office, meanwhile, has almost the opposite problem. Its underpinnings are a rotten, ancient, godawful curse - but they're trying to make a functional and attractive modern vehicle on top of that. The Microsoft Office car is probably more like someone trying to make a modern Crossover on the running gear of an Morris Oxford Series III, better known as the Hindustan Ambassador. The senior management love the idea because they get to re-use all this existing technology, but it's simply not capable of doing the actual job properly. Everyone using it knows this, but it's still a ubiquitous car in some places for historical reasons.

Everyone will have their own opinions of what other products like SQL Server or SharePoint are.

Microsoft isn't one car. They're a fleet of cars, and your management is determined that all Company Cars will be selected from that fleet. Which kinda sucks, as it means that the low level engineer gets a good car, and the high level manager gets a clown car that falls apart every time it stops moving. (I think we're all agreed that's SharePoint, right?)

[werdsmith]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

Austin-Rover got the MG Maestro right when it changed to the 2.0EFI and turbo versions with the O series engine. It then embarrassed most other peers.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

It must have been different from another in the fleet.

I had an Ghia-ised Orion as a company car which would try to rip the driver's thumbs off by trying to self straighten cornering under power. Its replacement was a Montego that had the exact opposite problem. A subsequent boss said a group of them hired a Montego Turbo to go to the TT and it put them in ditch; I wasn't at least surprised.

[Pussifer]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

There was a Ford* known as 'Trevor the torque steerer' (I think). Ford's main UK factory is in Dagenham, Essex, I like to think it was the Ian Dury song 'Clever Trevor' that may have given the name as Dury and The Blockheads used a lot of Essex references in their songs - Billericay Dickie, Plaistow Patricia (NSFW!) and others.

* XR3i? Something front wheel drive with a turbo maybe?

[PCScreenOnly]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

Escort RS Turbo by the sounds of it

[The Organ Grinder's Monkey]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

There was a Riley model called the Pathfinder which had steering so vague & wayward that it soon became known as the Ditchfinder, (though I never heard Ditchfinder General, which would have added a nice historical reference.)

[Ken Shabby]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

Perhaps you should recite the Bus Drivers’ Prayer, before booting

[PCScreenOnly]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

Yup, I had the 2.0efi Montego and that could trash the Escort 1.6 turbo's and a golf gti around the roads of Cobham/weybrdige/Byfleet

[alisonken1]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

Interestingly enough, we run an AD domain at our school. Recently, I replaced the hard drive with an SSD on one of our accounts receivable machines to improve bootup times.

Since the reinstall, Windows has decided that this one particular account needed for this machine ("cashier") is now a public guest account and resets every time it's logged out.

What's even more frustrating, when you hit <ctl>-L to lock the screen, it won't let you log back in until you select other user and use the full domain login - at which point outlook dies because it can't log into the email account because of some reason about can't log in to the server.

Our local Windows admin (who is actually a very good Windows admin type, not the script kiddie type) is having some fun trying to debug the machine.

[MJI]

Re: It's a fleet, not one car

The Maestro was actually a pretty good car, nicer than the equivalent Fords.

A previous job had various pool cars. I managed to kill one, it had a terrible gear box, and terrible indicators, a Ford of some sort.

I think I blew the clutch or gearbox as it would NOT do 1-2 but 1-4, so I just abused it.

My car at the time had superb gearchange and handling, and was an old Rootes based hatch.

Best pool car though was an Astra van.

[Contrex]

I've been using Word in versions from 1997 onwards, and it has NEVER done that paste thing the guy was complaining about.

[Inventor of the Marmite Laser]

It was the bane of my life whilst working in a corporate environment, on documents that included contributions from several players, many of whom inserted content from various sources, frequently screwing up the formatting.

I probably spent as much time correcting formatting as I did making the damn content read as a coherent hole.

I've never understood why "Paste Without Formatting" was NOT the default in Word.

[Neil Barnes]

One document.

Eight thousand pages.

Each paragraph with its own style...

[Antron Argaiv]

Ditto.

Add:

Multiple time zones, Windows and Office versions, & languages

Shouty client people constantly bitching about how they wanted things and why hadn't their comments been addressed yet

Track changes and comments enabled

Multiple simultaneous editors (in different worldwide locations)

One poor Sharepoint server

And, finally, the obligatory tight deadline

It was an unmitigated disaster and an experience I would not like to repeat.

(the client terminated the project before completion)

[werdsmith]

Yes, but they need SOMETHING to complain about so why not make it up?

[ChoHag]

It's called hyperbole, you're not supposed to take it literally. No I have never had Word convert everything to windings, yes I have had to learn some very arcane procedures and follow them precisely in order to get around the lack of WordPerfect's show codes feature and Word's consequently ¡Fun!, in the dwarven sense, approach to formatting.

Also I don't recall whether I first used Word in DOS or Windows 3.11 but either way my experience with it trumps yours by a handful of years. Because that matters. So nuhhh so my YES IT DOES beats your NEVER.

[JoAnywhere]

I believe you to be exceedingly lucky.

Try pasting (to this day) a selection from one document into another where the source crosses a section boundary that changes page orientation. Go on.. I dare you :)

[Throg]

Austin Alllegro

Obviously?

[Lon24]

Re: Austin Alllegro

I would have said the Cybertruck whose windows badly failed the bulletproof spec. Co-pilot would be the full self-driving beta.

Except running Cybertruck has the advantage of being illegal in europe ;-)

[jake]

I'll just preemptively leave this here ...

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/car-balk/

[Anonymous Coward]

Windows Vista

Horse and cart.

With a dead horse.

[Anonymous Coward]

Windows 11

You can't have one unless you have a gated drive and a lockable garage that could house 3 other normal cars.

It'll come with a supercilious know-it-all chauffeur, who insists on rifling through your belongings, dislikes the things you wear and promptly suggests shops (where he gets a cut) that sells what you want. Only you don't really want anything at all.

He'll say "ah, other people bought these"... Offering you several items of tat (where he gets a cut), as if you're remotely interested

He'll probably try to shag your missus too, as that's "trending".

[werdsmith]

Windows is a just a Toyota Yaris or Nissan Quashqai.

Their owners don't give a shit about cars, they just want something to get them where they want to go.

Windows users don't care what OS they are using, just run my app and let them get on with it.

[Will Godfrey]

Found some of these on the 'net some years back then added some myself.

When you're doing 70 in the outside lane of the motorway the car will randomly drop into 'safe' mode and reduce the speed to 20MPH.

MS-RAC mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.

Engine trouble? Just execute a Ctrl+Alt+Honk and the car repairs itself - but all the controls have been swapped..

It's almost impossible to pull into a non-Microsoft petrol station.

Now only takes 10 minutes to start.

You have to reinstall the engine once a month.

After stopping you have to wait 15 minutes before you can get out of the car.

Despite reassurances of improved security from Microsoft, hackers can easily gain entry by simply using the door handles.

You can't lend it to someone else; they have to purchase their own.

[SnailFerrous]

And after every patch Tuesday, yoi have to leave the engine running overnight, while it installs updates.

[[e-mail]]

Maserati

Speaking of cars with 'character,' my boss who lived in Vienna had a Maserati. It was the car that had to go to the service shop most often out of all the vehicles he ever owned. That sounds like a pretty accurate automotive equivalent for Microsoft products!

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Isn't that old?

Depending on what you want to do and the number of passenger and amount of luggage you'll have to rewrite the whole config (-.sys) and AUTO(-exec.bat).

Any passenger, including non humans, always have full access to your car and therefore quite often steer it against walls, rocks, over cliffs and into fire and water.

Any passenger, including non humans, can destroy, rearrange or throw out your luggage, and you can't do anything about it.

You need to have ten configurations ready depending on passenger needs if the car is beyond 640 kg weight. Below you can only transport children up to 20 kg.

You are restricted to configure your passengers and luggage in 64 kg segments of your car. If one of them is above special passenger and seating arrangements is needed. Sounds weird, and it is.

If you are below Microsoft CAR 2.0 you don't have seats or compartments in your storage, only one flat platform (this one needs explanation: MD-DOS 2.0 brought sub-directories).

For bigger passengers with more luggage you need at least 3rd generation motor, capable to manage such. But each passenger has to bring his own Extended Luggage Management, and there are many brands to choose from like Watcom, Tenberry, Quarterdeck, GO32, Charles W. Sandmann to name some. Not all of them work equally well.

You car can get sick, and then it is luck whether it is playing weird tones, falls out of character, or loses all passengers, luggage and the whole base car and you have to reformat and put it all together again.

_{(I just invented the stuff above right now, I've never seen a DOS variant of that joke...)}

[xanadu42]

A Microsoft Car would have

A 15,000,000 page EULA in light yellow, ultra-fine, print that MUST be accepted before driving the car out of the dealer's premises.

Permanent Internet Connection to ensure car licence is valid (car will "fail to proceed" if Internet Connection lost).

Triangular (or square) wheels (because they look "cooool").

Bluetooth Steering (it's the latest thing everyone wants).

One on-dash light to indicate low-fuel, brake failure, engine failure, hand-brake engaged, etc

No Mirrors (too user-friendly)

A brake pedal that, when pressed, requires you to click 30+ times on the "Yes I want to engage braking" on the infotainment screen

A Handbrake that can only be disengaged after a complete reboot of the car's OS

Complete re-install of OS after use of car-jack to change flat tyre...

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: A Microsoft Car would have

> One on-dash light to indicate low-fuel, brake failure, engine failure, hand-brake engaged, etc

The BlueLightOfDeath?

[Steve Davies 3]

Re: Permanent Internet Connection to ensure car licence is valid

MS cars get banned from tunnels longer than 1 mile because of bricking. It was discovered when 20 cars emerged from a trip through the channel tunnel and were found to be DOA in France. Norwegian Government has banned the thing completely due to the sheer number of long tunnels on their road system.

[Patch Wombat]

Re: A Microsoft Car would have

Power Steering, Power Brakes, Fuel Gauge and air bags all behind their individual monthly subscription plans Copilot required

[MJI]

Re: A Microsoft Car would have

Don't worry, some manufacturers are already removing solid links between controls and what they control.

Steer by wire is here (in some countries) I expect brakes are too.

[ComputerSays_noAbsolutelyNo]

None

What car manufacturer declares in its fine print, thar the car they sold you may or may not be fit for driving?

The EULA essentially does this.

[Dan 55]

Disappointed

Nobody's mentioned Homer Simpson's car yet.

Behold, the unveiling of Windows 11.

[kahara]

Re: Disappointed

Came here to suggest this exact same thing.

[steelpillow]

Hire service

Microsoft's car is not actually a car, but a subscription hire service. When you call it, some random fully-autonomous AI-enabled vehicle turns up. Its interior is unfamiliar, chaotic and constantly readjusting itself without rhyme or reason. It projects cheerfully irrelevant popups on the windows at you, insisting they are urgent and/or laced with ads. The barrage soon hides your route - which is constantly turning off from where you told it to go, and in fact will never get there. After a time, it stops and freezes in the middle of the road; if you are lucky, it might warn you first. You have no recourse but to hit the independent emergency override, which shuts down the door locks so you can escape.

[Doctor Syntax]

OTOH I sometimes suspect my car is built by Microsoft.

If it thinks* the driver isn't watching the road it will make a warning noise to attract the diver's attention to the dash display where it's showing a message telling the drive to watch the road. This happens particularly at complex road junctions where the driver is trying to take in at least 180° of surrounding roads.

The steering wheel mounted volume control is close to the button to trigger voice activation of the phone. If the latter is accidentally triggered when the handset isn't in the car the central display will show a message telling the drive that no device is connected and ask - while the car is in motion - whether the driver wants to connect one. Either answer seems to bring up some sort of connection dialog which simply doesn't go away by itself, even though the car is in motion and the driver obviously can't safely respond, not even to cancel it.

The collision avoidance system has a mind of its own. Slowing down approaching a T junction it will alert when there's nothing closer than the wall or hedge across the road. When creeping slowly up to the stop line it will slam on the brakes if another vehicle drives across and even stall the engine (and add insult to injury by then telling the driver that the vehicle in front has moved). Ditton for oncoming traffic on the other side of the road although it hasn't (yet) completely stopped or stalled the car. There are multiple pages in the driver's handbook warning of situations where it can make mistakes but the developers seem not to be aware of this being an indication that they've got things wrong.

Much the same goes for the lane awareness system. In particular it seems not to work with the collision avoidance system to realise that the reason that the driver is changing lanes to avoid a parked car; occasionally it will show both collision and lane alerts. On one particular narrow road with a steep camber it has to be restrained from oscillating between ditch and centre line. It has, for no obvious reason, tried to pull the car to the verge on a straight road or to the right towards the next lane on a left hand motorway bend. Like the collision avoidance there are many pages in the handbook explaining how it can make mistakes without this being seen as an indication they've got thongs wrong.

I've never had the courage to engage cruise control but one of the options is to take the current speed limit into consideration irrespective of the number of times the speed limit indicator fails to show anything or shows the wrong speed.

Could Microsoft do worse?

The sad thing is that given my age this might well be the last car I'll ever own and that there's probably no point in even looking at anything else because this is the standard of S/W on any modern car.

* Not entirely anthropomorphism, simply using "it" as an avatar for the development team.

[The Organ Grinder's Monkey]

...and that, in a very large nutshell, is why I'm just starting a long project to do a total refit / upgrade on my 28 year old Volvo, rather than have anything at all to do with any currently or recently available car. Ultimately it'll likely cost me more than replacing it with a seven year old something, but instead I'll still have the Swiss Army knife of motoring, with 2200L of loadspace, (& a roof that's close enough to the ground that a roof rack is viable for anything too large or longer than the 3.2m that fits inside) a 9.8m turning circle, rear wheel drive, 3.0L straight 6 (or 4.3V8 if I ever do phase 3 of the upgrades) with no touchscreen, no autonomous (& randomly triggered) emergency braking, no lane-keep assist, no electronic door handles, no (insert your own modern motoring grievance here, and here...)

Maybe, to stay vaguely in context with TFA I should have described it as the Linux of motoring, rather than the Swiss Army knife. Functional, adaptable, reliable, consistent, does exactly what I need a car to do & no more, but my other half would do almost anything to avoid driving it? (SystemD in my case will be the twat staring at his 'phone that I watched in my mirrors as he raced up behind me while I sat at the back of a queue on the M4 a couple of months ago. He swerved at the last possible second & hit someone else. There will be others...)

20+ years in the car trade taught me a simple lesson, never buy anything French or Italian. If you must buy German (or German adjacent, ie Skoda & Seat) do your homework & choose carefully. If you just want a car that's a functional tool buy Japanese (ex Nissan, obviously, since Renault took control of them, or Mitsubishi who seem to be determined on the same fate.)

/rant.

[MJI]

A 965, nice

[Identity]

Sounds just like my Lexus!

[MeYou]

we know what their aircraft looks like...

https://share.google/5itleijS3rVdvk6U1

[tel2016]

If Microsoft made a car, it would be...

a clown car

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Re: If Microsoft made a car, it would be...

No. A clown car is fun and does not have a storage problem.

[Blue Screen of Bleurgh]

"Start Me Up!" might seem appropriate for all those who remember the old W95 advert and the Rolling Stones. Except that before it does start, you have to pass a number of biometric tests, as well as being tracked wherever you go

[Doctor Trousers]

A car that won't finish starting up when you need it to, and won't let you turn the damned engine off when you're nearly out of fuel

[jonathan keith]

I would suggest a Land Rover, actually. Originally straightforward, uncomplicated and got the job done. Over time has become increasingly expensive, bloated in both size and the addition of overly-complicated gadgets, and socially unacceptable.

[Blackjack]

It would be a Pinto full of AI and Ads.

[vistisen]

To switch the car off, you must press a big button marked 'START'.

[Wolfclaw]

If Microsoft made a car, they would probably not bother and just buyout Fiat ... Fix It Again Tomorrow !

[JWLong]

Windows Car

Edsel by Ford

[STrRedWolf]

Fix Or Repair Daily Re: Windows Car

...or any Ford truck during the "Fix Or Repair Daily" era, really. Just how many bugs does Windows have?

[original_rwg]

Taking the old, if Operating systems did airlines as inspiration, a few years back, I wondered what it might be like if operating systems did cars like the one from Knightrider and if there was some kind of sponsorship built in....

MS-Kitt

Michael: Good morning MS-Kitt.

MS-Kitt: Good morning Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions

MS-Kitt: I'm running low on virtual fuel.

Michael: We'll get some on the way.

MS-Kitt: Please install the latest security patches and updates.

Michael: I'll do that later. Where are the directions I requested?

MS-Kitt: Please wait....calculating route and maxing-out the CPU for a few seconds.....

MS-Kitt: DIRECTIONS: Proceed to the end of the street and turn left. Or you could turn right, it's a longer route but it avoids a low bridge. Drive straight for one mile and take the third exit on the roundabout. You could take the second exit as that route goes past a garden centre. Stay on the dual carriageway for 3 miles and at the second roundabout, take the second exit. Or you could take the first exit as that is also a route to the garden centre. Now take the first left and the second right and you will have arrived at your destination.

Michael: OK

MS-Kitt: Press start button to begin.

Michael: There isn't a start button.

MS-Kitt: Yes there is, you just can't see it.

Michael: I liked my old car better.

iOS-Kitt

Michael: Good morning iOS-Kitt.

iOS-Kitt: Hello Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions

iOS-Kitt: I'm ready to go now I'll tell you when you need to turn.

Michael: I liked my old car better.

Android-Kitt

Michael: Good morning Android-Kitt.

Android-Kitt: Good morning Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions.

Android-Kitt: Turn left at the end of the street. After one mile, take the third exit on the roundabout. After 3 miles of dual carriageway take the second exit at the second roundabout. First left and the second right and you're there.

Michael: Thanks Android-Kitt.

Government-backed-Kitt

Michael: Good morning Government-backed-Kitt.

Government-backed-Kitt: Good morning Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions.

Government-backed-Kitt: Walk to the end of the street and turn right. Four hundred yards up the steep hill there is a bus-stop. Wait there for a deregulated, competitive public transport vehicle. Take the deregulated, competitive public transport vehicle into town and alight at the public transport terminus. Get another deregulated, competitive, public transport vehicle to the general area of the out of town retail park, you may have to walk the last mile but the exercise will do you the world of good, and enjoy your day there.

Michael: But that's no use Government-backed-Kitt. I need to buy a new lawn-mower.

Government-backed-Kitt: Public transport is the future.

Michael: But how will I carry such a large box for over a mile and manage it on and off two buses?

Government-backed-Kitt:.......

Michael: You make the MS-Kitt look like a good idea.

Greenpeace-Kitt

Michael: Good morning Greenpeace-Kitt.

Greenpeace-Kitt: Hey Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions.

Greenpeace-Kitt: Get the bicycle out of the shed, man and at end of the street take a left. After a mile or so, go around the roundabout, third exit dude. After 3 miles of dual carriageway you get another roundabout man, hang on a minute while I relight this, second exit this time. Then take a left and then take your right and, yeah, you're there man.

Michael: But that's no use Greenpeace-Kitt. It's a new lawn-mower I'm buying

Greenpeace-Kitt: Don't cut the grass, man, it's producing oxygen to save the planet.

Michael: I liked my old car better.

O'Leary-Kitt

Michael: Good morning O'Leary-Kitt.

O'Leary-Kitt: Top o' the mornin' to ya Michael.

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions.

O'Leary-Kitt: Eh, just a minute. Can I see your boarding pass?

Michael: This is my car, I don't need a boarding pass!

O'Leary-Kitt: Oh, right, sorry, my mistake. That'll be twenty-five Euros please.

Michael: Twenty-five Euros for what?

O'Leary-Kitt: Luggage.

Michael: I don't have to pay for luggage in my own car

O'Leary-Kitt: Sorry. My mistake again. What was it you were after?

Michael: I want to go to the new out of town retail park. Please provide directions.

O'Leary-Kitt: Right-o! So will that be first class or second class, would you prefer chicken or beef and would you like us to provide steps for you to disembark down or will you just leap from the doorway to the tarmac?

Michael: I just want to go to the new out of town retail park! Please give me directions!!

O'Leary-Kitt: Right you are. Turn left at the end of this street. Go for one mile and take the third exit on the roundabout. After about 3 miles along the dual carriageway take the second exit at the second roundabout. Then first left and the second right and you've arrived safe and sound. Will there be any luggage on the way back?

Michael: I'm buying a new lawn-mower.

O'Leary-Kitt: Is it in a big box?

Michael: Probably. Why?

O'Leary-Kitt: That'll be twenty-five Euros please.

[ChoHag]

> O'Leary-Kitt: That'll be twenty-five Euros please.

I once got the better of their luggage charge. I was waiting with another person who also hadn't seen the "we charge for this thing no other airline does or has ever charged for" sign (yes it was a long time ago) that they they keep in the back of the leopard room. Then the payment computer broke down and they couldn't take payment but also couldn't deny us boarding and, natch!, nobody has those mechanical credit card readers any more!

That was the first, and last, time I ever used that airline.

[FirstTangoInParis]

With O’Leary Kitt, you will be directed to a destination 50 miles from the Garden Centre with zero transport links. But it will only have charged 10 Euros to get there.

[Anonymous Coward]

If Microsoft made cars (you serious)

* If Microsoft made cars, every time they repainted the lines on the road you'd have to buy a new one.

* If Microsoft made cars, lane-keeping assist would only work after you subscribe to Microsoft AutoCare™ for $9.99/month.

* If Microsoft made cars, the "Start" button would be the only way to shut the engine off.

* If Microsoft made cars, the final model year would be dubbed "Windows Car for Death," because after that many forced updates and spontaneous combustions, nobody's left to complain.

* If Microsoft made cars, the glovebox would be replaced by OneDrive, and your spare tire would be "in the cloud"—offline access denied.

* If Microsoft made cars, you'd need to close all windows, shut off the engine, and reboot just to turn it back on.

* If Microsoft made cars, your airbag would pop up with "Are you sure you want to deploy? This action cannot be undone" right before the collision.

* If Microsoft made cars, your vehicle would crash twice a day for no reason, and you'd just accept it.

* If Microsoft made cars, Clippy would be the last thing you see: "It looks like you're dying alone in twisted metal. Would you like to rate this experience 1-10 before I shut down your vital signs?"

[FirstTangoInParis]

Re: If Microsoft made cars (you serious)

You jest, but my keyless ignition car needs me to press the Start button to turn the engine off.

Meanwhile the in car entertainment crashes now and then needing me to long press the screen heater button to reboot it. While this is going on you realise the indicator sound is electronically generated as it’s awful quiet during the reboot.

And an OTA software update requires I lock the car and hope I can unlock it afterwards.

[Mythical Ham-Lunch]

Big European bias here, but you guys can't touch North American vehicles for absurdity. Windows is the F150 Raptor. $100k and it has a lower payload than any old Ranger. Plus 99% of its owners never conquer any terrain more challenging than "mall parking lot."

[Jou (Mxyzptlk)]

Commonly referred to as "housewife-tank" ?

[Androgynous Cupboard]

To be fair, the Chelsea Tractor is a pretty well known phenomenon around London too. I swear I've seen some with what I'm sure was spray-on mud for authenticity.

[Mythical Ham-Lunch]

A G-Wagen actually might be a better comp given that they're blindingly ugly in addition to being cripplingly expensive but I suspect the G-Wagen set are all Mac users, whereas the Raptor is pure uncut lowest common denominator. Like I think there are people who could have dropped the hundred grand on a house but decided to finance the truck instead.

[Boris the Cockroach]

If m$ made cars....

It would be fairly boring, A wheel on each corner, buyer can pick a number of engines, all the usual controls. and you'll learn to drive it quite well.

Then it does an update, and the steering wheel swaps sides, the pedals control the indicators and the throttle and brakes and gear shift have been combined into 1 stick control mounted on the dashboard.

Now....... having got used to the new arrangement, your car has now done 98 000 miles and you replace it with the new m$ car.

Which has the steering wheel in the backseat now with adverts where the horn was. the pedals however are back to normal, but in the front where they've always been......

And then updates to the steering wheel being on the offside front wing to which m$ says sorry and promises to move it back on the next update...........

And then you buy apple...... which looks fantastic, goes average and stops when Apple sues every other car maker on the planet for having rounded corners........

Then you notice that an awful lot of behind the scenes cars and trucks that need reliability are all linux based.

[Tim13]

On patch Tuesday once a month

It will not start in the morning, but instead at that very time download and install an update - which you cannot interrupt for an hour, sometimes an hour and a half. During the mandatory update the engine will not start; so the car can’t be used. The download will change the controls at random every time: last week signal was on the left of the steering wheel- this week it’s on the right side. Once or twice a year the update fails. Sometimes it can recover and start all over wasting even more of your time, other times the car is dead and has to be towed to the repair shop. The brand is strong and demands high and frequent payments. There is a large fanclub of people who claim they cannot switch because the other cars are so damn difficult to use,

[tip pc]

volvo 340 GLE

Mine would decide to break down every 70 or so miles for no reason, you could crank it till the battery went flat & it wouldn't start, leave it 40 minutes and on its last gasp with an exhausted & flat battery it'll spring into life and waft you on its way like there was no issue.

Heated seats, heated windscreen & headlight washer jets.

sunroof

rear wheel drive

looked like an old gits car which is just what I needed in my 1st year at uni. certainly got me noticed by the girls, much to their amusement.

yes I truly hated that car.

& yes it did crash on me, steering was vague, back end could & would step out & braking was like being on a ferry starboard, then port then starboard then port & repeat

Luckily no blue screen of death but it did roll on me.

I was astounded when the recovery guy jumped in turned the key & it started 1st time.

I hated that car!!

[The Organ Grinder's Monkey]

Re: volvo 340 GLE

Volvo badge but designed by Daf, with a Renault engine. Not a high point in Volvo's history.

The other significant low point was buying in the epically dreadful PRV V6 engine when they wanted something posher than their own agricultural-but-reliable straight 4. The R in PRV stands for Renault, increasingly the SystemD of motoring, as many owners of the smaller, cheaper Mercedes models of the last few years will likely be finding out.

[Ken Shabby]

Re: volvo 340 GLE

I think it was a DAF under the hood, blew up on the A1. Got a tow home, got offered 50 quid for parts.

Not a car for diving, for lying down and avoiding.

[tatatata]

I have a 25 year old car, luxurious and quite advanced for that time. When I had some misfortune with the hydraulic suspension, I temporarily got a Toyota Yaris, brand new, with lots of required safety features.

- You can't start the car before you've buckled the seatbelt

- If there are roadworks, the lane keeper steers you to the old lanes, not the temporary layout

- It recognises speed signs on the road parallel to the motorway, slowing you down do 50 km/hr, beeping a lot

- If someone merges in front of you. the car automatically slows down, beeping again

- There was a cacophony of beeps for reasons that I never understood

Some of the "features" could be switched off, but when you start the car, they are turned on again.

I would say every modern car looks like a Microsoft car.

[Anonymous Coward]

If Microsoft made cars, it'd crash randomly after an update.

Much like the O365 suite on my work computer, JFC looks like they've fired their QA team.

[DS999]

What were those terrible cars they made in the Soviet Union?

I remember reading stories about how their awful reliability was matched only by their ugly appearance. That's Windows.

[ecofeco]

What would it be?

A British Leyland, of course.

[FuzzyTheBear]

Get your hockey goalie suits out

Microsoft made a car ? Are you nuts ? .. Ill get suited up like a goalie .. and wear extra protection ... come to think about it .. ill never the hell ever ever get close to such a car. !

[Ropewash]

AMC Pacer

With copilot added by taping a touchscreen to the dash.

[MachDiamond]

Re: AMC Pacer

Surely, you jest.

I was thinking that it would be fun to buy a Pacer and do an EV conversion on it. Complete with red licorice dispenser mounting to the ceiling between the driver and passenger.

They are really hard to find and ones inexpensive enough wing up with pitted windscreens and excessive amounts of rust. It was nice to day dream a bit. I think the sort of lady that would dig that sort of thing would be down in the unicorn zone of the hot/crazy chart and the first date would be a mad dash to Las Vegas to marry her quick.

[MachDiamond]

Cybercab

It would be a Tesla cybercab with no FSD.

>mic drop<

[Anonymous Coward]

It would just randomly cash.

Brings a new meaning to 'blue screen of death'.

[David Newall]

The advertising campaign would be called "where do you want to go today?" It would play "start me up" when you start it. It would never take you where you want to go.

[Phil Kingston]

Nicely designed, well-built, only-available in USA, works with some seams across a lot of things, gets broken by updates occasionally, an absolute cash cow. Hobbled and then cancelled by inept management.

[david willis]

Ford Pinto

The ford Pinto

Very popular, 3,000,000 made

Reasonably solid underpinnings.

Fundamental safety issues, ignored then accepted by manufacturer.

Significant safety recalls, including “oops the accelerator is stuck down”.

10,000 of them still out there on the road!

[mihares]

It already existed and it was marketed as the Lancia Beta.

[Mishak]

The Windows 98 Version

"Your brakes have become unstable. If you wait, they may start working again".

[farria]

You'll have to buy a new car every 4 years while your old one will go to the dump or turned into a Linux car

It might not start - while trying to go home at -30F temperature - but it will show you a polite message: "sorry, our servers are down"

It'll stop in the middle of the freeway, with the nice message: "please, wait, while we update your car"

The AI copilot will show "everybody" - including your wife/husband - where you are. Sorry! you can't disable the Copilot

Your car will catch any kind of virus and start driving "you" dangerously

The copilot will continuously show/tell you any kind of adds, personalized according to your current location: "... and we have Lucy's brothel on the right. Do you want to stop?"

[kmorwath]

It would be like most product...

... people don't read instructions and complain the product doesn't work as they believe it works.

That's true with cars, and software as well. I'm still suprised about how many still believe Word (or any other word processor) is a typewriter with a screen attached.

[MachDiamond]

Re: It would be like most product...

"I'm still suprised about how many still believe Word (or any other word processor) is a typewriter with a screen attached."

To many viewings of "Brazil"?

[Efer Brick]

Blue screen of road deaths

spiked

[Albert Coates]

Whoft

The Ford Turnip 3.0, featured in the Classified Ads section of the award-winnering Norfolk paper, the Framley Examiner. Also for sale, Vauxhall Spasma 1.3L F-reg. vgc, no paperwork except MOT valid until 2047. £3,000 and no questions. Aslo Volkswagen Quagwat 2.0E. or Nissan Throatgripper, 4x2, terrifying 7.0L 3-gearbox, 6-wheel chrome and reinforced leather nightmare covered in roo bars and spotlights. Worst investment I ever made. Only needed it for the school run. £12,000 or anything. Tel Linda (not her real name) 01999 492217.

https://www.framleyexaminer.com/pages/clas004

[Bloody Typical]

An oldie

If Microsoft made cars...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement: "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

[jake]

Re: An oldie

Well, you can't shoot me for trying ...

::shrugs::

[Identity]

There’s an old joke about ‘if Microsoft made a car:’

The car stops for no apparent reason. Turn it off and turn it on again. If that doesn’t work, get out and walk around the car several times. If that doesn’t work, change the engine.

[Thomas Steven 1]

Every car made since 2018 is a Microsoft car

Every hire car I've had since 2018 has been a Microsoft car.

The Ford Puma that flashed some crap up on the dashboard about pre-collision warning as I was weaving between parked cars at speed, just to provide some distraction at a critical point, and perhaps create a self fulfilling prophecy.

The MG something with an incredibly lane keeping assistance that basically tried continuously to aim at every single hedge on a trip to Cornwall.

Every single car with ultrasonic parking sensors that start bleating meters away from anything else when moving slowly, or not at all if you reverse quickly, useless in every use case they're supposedly designed for.

Reversing cameras with superimposed tracks that suggest where the car is going that are so horrendously misaligned as to be useless, which seems to be consistent across VW, Ford, Vauxhall and MG.

[WowandFlutter]

A good job MS don't make aircraft!

Coming into approach 'a system error has occurred, please press the reset button for at least 10 seconds to re-configure your aircraft!'

As for a car...

What you get is a square box with wheels and a mobile phone app that projects a 3D holographic image onto the surface.

You can choose what car style you would like e.g. 2 door sporty coupe with your phone ap and that's what you appear to get until you try to use it. Everything looks the part but you can't open the bonnet/hood to see what engine it came with or if it's electric. When you try to give it a bit of a run it only goes up to 30mph. Now you realise what the 'Engine Boost Pack' option was all about. You didn't buy the 'Handling Pack' either so it slows down to 20mph when you get to a corner, but tells you it could go around it much faster if you buy the 'options'. If it's electric you have to try at least 5 different charging points other than the one you used last week before it starts charging.

In reality, a MSoft car would be a 1970s Morris Marina 1.3L in Mustard Brown with vinyl upholstery, a stick on boot spoiler and go faster stripes.

[bill 27]

Well the google AI...

intruder vaguely resembles the ornament on a Subaru. Does that count?

[Anonymous Coward]

You really don't want a Microsoft car!

It'll look like a sports car from the outside (don't care, Corvette, Ferrari, Lamborghini) but inside it's a 1972 Yugo. And don't you dare do two things at the same time, you know, like using the engine and the steering wheel. You have to stop the engine to turn the steering wheel, then restart the engine (which can take a minute or three) and keep driving in a straight line until the next turn, where it's rinse and repeat. As the Yugo is a massively underpowered vehicle, Microsoft is "helping" by putting rocks in your back seat, removing those rocks will be made impossible by massive chains. Oh, and you get a 2x2cm part of the side window to look out of it, the rest is covered by ads. And there's a robot sitting in the passenger seat telling you how to drive, but most of the time it's just some bs of making 365 degree turns or it'll turn up the heat to 200 degrees Celsius for no reason, just by itself.

You don't want a Microsoft car. Trust me on this one.

[Anonymous Coward]

It would be the equivalent of a car built parts from dozens of different model cars, with none of them particularly wanting to work well with any of the other parts. The electronics for the car would likewise have parts from dozens of different cars. And to make it even worse, You'd have the monstrosity that is known a Copilot bolted to the dashboard trying to get everything to cooperate and work so it can drive the vehicle.

Add in the fact that they are now letting AI components help with coding for updates and constantly causing things to break because they don't have a decent QA department anymore to test them before releasing them, and you have a nightmare on wheels.

[Tim99]

Patch Tuesday

On the second Tuesday of the month, things that used to work don't. The control screen and instruments have changed appearance and functionality, and the problem with the fuel gauge indicator and the SatNav you told MS about in Version 1.1 still have not been fixed, but they are now wrong in a different colour and font.