BOFH: Eight pints of a lager and a management breakthrough

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns The office is in a mild panic after the Boss's PA revealed that he's been on a management retreat for the past three days and is excited to share what he's learned with us. ASSUME MANAGEMENT-FAD BRACE POSITIONS! The thing about management fads is they're like turds in a sewer – a new …

[steelpillow]

Wu Wei

The 2,500 year old Taoist dictum "Wu Wei" is customarily translated as "Action through inaction". I wonder what the specific gravity of their rice beer was?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Wu Wei

"Action through inaction"

A few years ago I was involved in a large supply chain upgrade for the Australian military. It was impossible to get anything done as if you did something you could stuff up which in the military is bad, so doing nothing meant you could never stuff up and so would continue to be promoted. Doh! It was like the defense of the country depended on it! Double Doh!

[GlenP]

He missed out being 5C'd (and yes, I've been through most of those over the years although I only attained a Green Belt in 6-Sigma before that fad thankfully ended again).

[FirstTangoInParis]

Ah yes. I worked with a company where one of the suits who looked as if he never left his office spouted about how they did 6 sigma. Cover was blown when I realised staff could not even be bothered to turn up to meetings on time. Or at all.

[Sam not the Viking]

Being long in the tooth, I've been on lots of training courses for lots of fads. And that's after a fairly rigorous teaching in the fundamentals of various production practices: I recognise re-invented wheels.

I've had management consultants introducing wizzo ideas that were (in my opinion) doomed from the start. None lasted, strangely most of those 'consultants' have ceased trading (Physician, health thyself.....).

It's great to watch these people trying induce enthusiasm for 'new' tricks only to have their certainty undermined by someone who might know a bit more about this scam than they do.

What will next week bring? But today, it's Friday ---->

[Terry 6]

The "good" consultants don't cease trading. Because.....

...good in this context means being nimble enough to hop off the trend and onto the next one, ready to reap the rewards of promoting that pile. Education is even more full of these bas**rds than industry, as far as I can see.. Internal end external, and combinations thereof. And as well as wasting precious resources they fu** up real people's lives, because they get them tied up in the latest scheme, then when they have them committed they jump ship, as they always do. Leaving the starry eyed followers behind- often with their jobs gone and sometimes careers wrecked. And sometimes the stuff the consultants and advisors briefly promoted was actually good. Which still doesn't stop them jumping ship and letting it float onto the rocks when some new fad comes along.

More than once I've seen good teachers recruited from across the planet, setting up home here to work on some new trendy project from their home country that's been imported to here, only to find that the fad here (and there) has faded before they’ve even unpacked. (OK usually my sympathy is limited because it was always a load of b****ocks so serves then right- but then many of them were genuinely well intentioned, if slightly naive).

[the spectacularly refined chap]

It's a well known saying...

Those that can, do.

Those that can't, teach.

Those that can't teach, teach teachers

[Terry 6]

Well known and total bollocks.

[Joe W]

Yeah... nah.

We need teachers. Good, motivated teachers. And they need respect and good pay. Repeating stuff like this will not help us. Education is important. Like, really important.

Those who can, do. Those who cannot work as insultants and earn the big money...

[Terry 6]

In my experience there's consultants and Consultants.

The former are doing practical jobs; passing on experience and/or knowledge, e.g. organising disparate groups so that they can work together or advising on a new methodology that the organisation has already concluded it needs like better record keeping or improved use of available data, or reducing carbon foot print through improved recycling/renewable energy and so on.

Whereas Consultants are just salesmen ( and women) who earn big fees by persuading organisations to implement the latest management snake-oil fixes to problems that may not even exist, or if they do, won't be amenable to quick fixes and probably aren't even in the place these parasites are directing them to look.

I've benefitted from the former and suffered the disruption of the latter.

The first clue to decoding which is which is whether you already thought there was a problem that needed solving, based on available data, or whether they are promising to fix something that actually works pretty well. The second is whether they are looking at real issues that exist or selling a generic method. And the third is whether what they're saying is cosy for mangement and uncomfortable for the poor bloody infantry.

[Philo T Farnsworth]

> Those that can't teach, teach teachers

Or teach gym.

[Charlie Clark]

Those that can't teach, lecture

The yoga course and self-help brigade are over there with the quacks…

[Dagg]

Those that can't teach, teach teachers

Or project manage...

[herman]

Place I worked reconsidered when I pointed out that all the companies that reached level 6, went bankrupt.

[Charlie van Becelaere]

Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

Sadly, somewhere in my files there is a certificate announcing my skills as an ISO 9000 auditor. I keep it hidden to avoid the shame.

[Steve Foster]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

"an ISO 9000 auditor"

ISTR I might still have one of those around somewhere too, but it probably says "BS5750".

I don't think it's shameful, as long as the limitations of that standard are understood: it's not really a quality standard, it's more a documentation/paperwork standard.

[gryphon]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

MS5750 was always explained to me as you can get away with anything as long as it follows a documented process.

If that process says the box must be dropped 5 times between end of production and being loaded onto the delivery lorry that's completely fine as long as it is always 5 times exactly.

[GlenP]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

But woe betide you if you didn't follow the process even if you were exceeding it!

5750 Auditor: What's your backup retention?

Me: Daily for 7 days, Weekly for 4 Weeks, Monthly for 12 Months, Annual for ever.

5750 Auditor: Oh you cant do that, you must follow a Grandfather - Father - Son rotation.

He didn't know what he was talking about of course and was just reciting from the Quality Manual*. I just gave up and said OK to get the tick in the box and then carried on exactly as I had been.

*Quality Manuals were very rarely custom written, they just picked the sections they thought relevant from their templates like choosing from a Chinese Takeaway menu then renumbered them to hide what they'd done.

[Snowy]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

"And the Lord spake, saying, ''First shalt thou pick up the parcel. Then shalt thou drop it five times, no more, no less. Five shall be the number thou shalt drop it, and the number of the droppings shall be five. Six shalt thou not count, neither count thou four, excepting that thou then proceed to drop is again. Seven is right out. Once the number five, being the fifth number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy parcel towards thy dispatch, who, being naughty in My sight, shall deliver it.'

(Sorry to Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

[sweh]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

I got caught out on that, once. The ISO9000 audit failed us for our backups. Not because our backups were bad, but because they _exceeded_ what we'd documented (we had an extra verification step in the process that we hadn't documented). Such a PITA.

[Diogenes8080]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

I see your BS5750 and raise you BS7799 parts 1 and 2. Please try to stay on topic here.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

Topic...?

Do they still make those?

Icon - Old

[Albert Coates]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

Old as the joke about Topics: A bit like squirrel shit - there's a hazelnut in every bite. Did I bring a coat?

[Ken Shabby]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

Anyone remember the square doughnuts? Surely a competent doughnut machine operator would have spotted this in seconds. If you think hiring one is too expensive, the cost of a consultant with an smart suit who has never seen one before, probably cheaper to buy a new machine.

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

I game to try one., it can't be worse than the strawberry mini-donut that Flair airline offered up yesterday.

[Albert Coates]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

ISO 9000 is just an extended mission statement.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

We went from TQM with a mantra of "get it right first time every time" to ISO 9000 with a mantra of "continuous improvement". Nobody has ever explained how, if we'd been getting it right first time, every time, we could continuously improve on that.

[johnB]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

(Return of horrible memories) - the time wasted ploughing through all the ISO9000 junk that it was obvious would just get filed & never see the light of day again.

[l8gravely]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

I too did a six-sigma project, around backup tapes and such process. Pity the poor engineers who had to do it around chip design, where they usually worked on one chip for six to twelve months at a time Six Sigma is for processes that generally generate LOTS of items, widgets, what haveyours. Something that you can track variation on. No clue how this works for backups or one off design flows....

Use it in the right place and it's wonderful. Try to make it work in all places... and hell breaks out.

.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: Ah yes, 6-Sigma.

"Use it in the right place and it's wonderful. Try to make it work in all places... and hell breaks out."

Very true - and the biggest problem with almost all short training courses in any of the aforementioned management tools/techniques is that we get people with solutions looking for a problem. It's like the apprentice joiner on his first week - they've been given a hammer and they go searching for anything looking remotely like a nail to hit. Even a screw will go into wood or plasterboard if hit hard enough - and stays in place until it actually needs to do the job it was there to do.

For much of my career I worked as a management consultant (independent - I never worked for any of the big consultancies) - and I reckon clearing up the mess made by these short courses, or the work of one of the bigger outfits, paid my mortgage. Perhaps starting out as an engineer inoculated me from believing all the management hype and allowed me to think through problems from first principles. I never had to advertise or search for work - word of mouth meant I went from one job to the next, and any breaks were because I wanted them.

And my first auditor certification stated BS5750 (i.e. before ISO9001 was conceived); it was actually my last auditor certification as I went on to write sector standards that were designed to get away from the slavish paper trail...

[Vincent Ballard]

ISO 9000

I'm pretty sure my company is supposed to have an ISO 9000 process, because our product is CE-marked. However, I've never seen any process documentation. If an auditor actually visits, it might be rather interesting. I'm not the named engineer, which is probably good for me, but if I had been named I would have pushed rather hard to have at least some process.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: ISO 9000

I don't know about CE. I did work somewhere that produced a UL listed product, but was not ISO certified (we all came from an ISO-9001 certified facility, so we had the muscle memory of ISO processes, and we at least went through the motions, but we didn't have the fancy cert on the wall).

External ISO audits happen 1x/year, are scheduled in advance, and last a few days. Our UL auditor would show up unannounced about once per quarter, and would spend maybe a few hours on site.

I always had the gut feeling that the UL guy had real industry experience. He seemed to ask relevant questions, etc.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: ISO 9000

AFAIK CE -marking means only that manufacturer believes the product conforms safety and other requirements, it doesn't say anything about company internal processes or their approvals.

[Albert Coates]

Re: ISO 9000

"CE Marking does not have a direct relationship with the Quality Management Systems (ISO 9001). CE Marking symbolizes that a product has been designed and manufactured in conformity with the New Approach Directives of EU and relevant Harmonised European Standards. It is seen that some modular system Quality Management Systems are stipulated for certain product groups." <ref> https://wqmcertification.com/services/product-certification/ce-marking/ </ref>

[Antron Argaiv]

Thankfully, I managed to avoid those fads.

However, a close friend got caught by Lean Six Sigma, complete with all the trimmings, at a manufacturer of audio equipment that shall not be named. He told me that the process became so ornate that it not only overpowered productivity, but actually affected production. People were so busy tracking their quality, that they had significantly less time to do their actual jobs.

However, he did say that there were loads of inexpensive plastic tchotchkes handed out to remind everyone of quality goals.

[gosand]

Ah, 6-Sigma... I worked at the company that invented that back in the early 90s. We were also CMM level something, and I went to a week-long training course on Fagan Inspections taught by Michael Fagan himself.

I think those things were all valuable at that time, but am glad that we've gotten away from them for the most part. Although there is a small part of me that recognizes that structured rigor has evolved to the point where it's hardly recognizable as structured or rigorous in favor of speed.

[Rich 11]

I have no idea what 6-Sigma refers to in this context, so I'll default to what I do know and conclude that there's only a one in a billion chance that it was worth the effort.

[gosand]

Like many software things (looking at you waterfall process) it was a manufacturing methodology to remove defects that was co-opted for software development.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Six_Sigma

[Anonymous Coward]

I have seen 6 sigma implemented at a school. It actually had one good outcome; there were fixed placed for the stapler and hole punch in the copier room...

[Albert Coates]

What, *that* Michael Fagan, the bloke who broke into the Queen's bedroom? Bit of a career turn-around, eh?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Fagan

[gosand]

nay.. this one... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fagan_inspection

[frankvw]

"Do Nothing"

It's Friday afternoon and time for one of these ----------------------------------------------->

So I didn't have to be told that!

[Hot Diggity]

Re: "Do Nothing"

And after that, just seven more

[Korev]

Re: "Do Nothing"

No, six more

[Caver_Dave]

Re: "Do Nothing"

Off by one error?

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: "Do Nothing"

I see - breakfast has happened.

[blu3b3rry]

Re: "Do Nothing"

Just the one? Always a dangerous phrase, it doesn't take much for it to turn into a few more...

[renniks]

Re: "Do Nothing"

"One's too many, ten's not enough"

[The Organ Grinder's Monkey]

Re: "Do Nothing"

There's a relevant Senseless Things song or album title,

"too much is never enough."

[Philo T Farnsworth]

Re: "Do Nothing"

Eight pints?

It only took three pints to brace up Arthur Dent:

FORD PREFECT: If you've never been through a matter transference beam before, you've probably lost some salt and protein. The beer you had should've cushioned your system a bit. How are you feeling?

ARTHUR DENT: Like a military academy - bits of me keep on passing out. If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?

[...]

Anyone have a packet of peanuts?

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: "Do Nothing"

I liked the part where Arthur and Ford were about to beam up to the Vogon ship. The conversation went along the lines of:

"What does beaming up feel like?" asks Arthur.

"Like being drunk," replies Ford.

"That's OK'" says Arthur; relieved, "Drunk isn't bad."

"Have you ever asked a glass of water what that's like?" retorts Ford.

[Paul Herber]

BOFH = Gaz Wilkinson

PFY = Jonny Keogh

Boss = Munch

I'd watch that!

[phuzz]

The role of the boss is more like that of the drummer in Spinal Tap.

[Paul Herber]

Didn't he die in that freak accident when 3 tonnes of porn fell on him at their only Runcorn gig?

[drand]

If that's the quickest way out of Runcorn then fair play.

[Michael H.F. Wilkinson]

"... agility training for couch potatoes"

Sheer genius. Superb episode once more.

[Bebu sa Ware]

I assumed…

that "his PA" in the case of the soon to be former boss that PA stood for psychiatric attendant.

Seems a shame that the current US administration doesn't have a BOFH who could distract the Orange Idjit from his current cunning plan which must be about where the full might of the US military will be used to liberate the Heard and McDonald Islands from the curse of Penguin fundamentalist oppression. The way things are going the penguinistas might actually prevail.

BOFH: "The 17th Street Macdonalds are offerring free "all you can eat" big macs to any second term president with bottomless coca-cola slushies."

Mission accomplished.

[renniks]

Re: I assumed…

an unexpected fall down a lift shaft would be more in order

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I assumed…

Just as long as Vance accompanies him

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: I assumed…

I suppose the Agnew gambit will be renamed to the "Vance Gambit".

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: I assumed…

It's already been done in The Caves of Androzani, art imitates life.

Icon - When stepping into a lift when the doors open, its a good idea to check the lift is actually....Ohh this is a BOFH thread.

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: I assumed…

What a sad little life you have, dragging your politics everywhere you go like a loaded and leaking diaper.

[Doctor Syntax]

Re: I assumed…

I thought the OP was in Australia the loaded diaper is leaking everywhere at present.

[Anonymous Coward]

Re: I assumed…

s/Coca-Cola/Diet Coke, as most know from his NY state trial. The artificial sweeteners must be why he's still alive.

[Bebu sa Ware]

"often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

Prefix with "Don't you think you already have done more than enough ?" you pretty much have "the TL;DR" of modern manglement.

When dealing the escape of hazardous materials, containment is the initial goal… not spreading the shit around.

Management instinctively believe if they have (mis)managed to shit in their own nest that the "best" thing they can do is to spread the brown stuff around as quickly and as far as possible.

By the time the metaphorical Hazmat team arrives the situation is usually irrecoverable. Metaphorical shit rapidly sets diamond hard.

The critical function of all the staff between manglement and the coal face has been to run interference to ensure the clowns don't bring the roof down on top of everyone. Of course now who are the staff being retrenched in favour of AI ?

[IanRS]

Verschlimmbessern

A lovely German word meaning to try to make things better but to really end up making them worse.

Great language - has a single word for everything, although it might be 17 syllables long

[Paul Herber]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

siebzehnsilbigeswortfüralles

[phuzz]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

Bless you! Do you need a tissue?

[LogicGate]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

Just go for the classic: Doppelkupplungsgetriebe:

https://youtu.be/DrlzIuwpg3A?si=kwGxLWs_q76rOKPB

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

And now we know why Germans never play Scrabble.

[stiine]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

Never play or never lose?

[ChoHag]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

The board is too small?

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

We quietly don't invite them along with cats.

JOZXYQK: "It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something."Cat ("Bodyswap")

[Albert Coates]

Re: Verschlimmbessern

Yes, a great language, many words need an entire phrase to translate into English: but conversely a large number of words have multiple meanings.

"There are three-quarters of a column of SCHLAGS in the dictonary, and a column and a half of ZUGS. The word SCHLAG means Blow, Stroke, Dash, Hit, Shock, Clap, Slap, Time, Bar, Coin, Stamp, Kind, Sort, Manner, Way, Apoplexy, Wood-cutting, Enclosure, Field, Forest-clearing. This is its simple and EXACT meaning--that is to say, its restricted, its fettered meaning; but there are ways by which you can set it free, so that it can soar away, as on the wings of the morning, and never be at rest. You can hang any word you please to its tail, and make it mean anything you want to. You can begin with SCHLAG-ADER, which means artery, and you can hang on the whole dictionary, word by word, clear through the alphabet to SCHLAG-WASSER, which means bilge-water--and including SCHLAG-MUTTER, which means mother-in-law."

From Mark Twain's "The Awful German Language", by an accomplished writer who knew it well. https://faculty.georgetown.edu/jod/texts/twain.german.html

[M.V. Lipvig]

Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

Well, yeah. Spreading it around lessens its intensity through dilution, and someone else might be found responsible for the spill. When all share the blame, each has little responsibility. Oh, and remember to never refer to yourself as an individual, always as a group to spread responsibility for to become an individual is to die.

5 pints to anyone who guesses where I went with that.

[Zack Mollusc]

Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

An easy five pints, judging by your username :-)

[The Organ Grinder's Monkey]

Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

(Not sure where I got this from, but it made it's way into my e-folder of truths, so apologies if it came from ElReg comments originally & is now uncredited)

Project phases:

1. Enthusiasm

2. Progress

3. Disillusionment

4. Search for the guilty party

5. Punishment of the innocent parties

6. Abandonment

7. Fame and honour for the non-participants

In practice, 5 exists because 4 will always be management.

[Terry 6]

Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

7 doesn't exist. Non-participants can feel smug, but from management there will only be resentment. I've had my card marked enough times to know this. After some ineffective or even disastrous, expensive project has ground to a halt the people who promoted it will have jumped ship, with plaudits still ringing etc etc.It probably will have faded out rather than being cancelled, so no one will associate them with the failure- except in postmortem examination, which almost never occurs.

The hold-outs and critics (muttering "I told you so") will be remembered for not being supportive, not being team players, or just generally resented.No one will be complimenting us on our foresight,experience or analytic thinking.

[Sam not the Viking]

Re: "often, in bad situations, doing something can make things worse."

From bitter experience, I recall:

1 Enthusiasm

2 Panic

3 Search for the guilty

4 Punishment of the innocent

5 Praise and honours for the non-participants

[Anonymous Coward]

Friday

God I didn't realise I needed a good laugh-out-loud moment that much, after the week it's been. Thank you @BOFH, great episode.

Now need to remove coffee from keyboard.

[Boris the Cockroach]

Very grin worthy

at the end of another shite week (god I hate our customers.... and least the boss had the foresight to warn said customer "Dont ever ask him a question... he's way smarter than he pretends to be" as I'm struggling to breathe with this wretched tie on)

And the ending was rather surprising... and less violent than I expected too....

Management breakthrough = this ones going out of a closed window.............

[Sam not the Viking]

Re: Very grin worthy

I was in a very heated meeting with our customer (end user), his consultant, the main contractor and ourselves (as target).

I knew the customer's representative (Chief Engineer) very well; over several years we'd done several projects together. After me taking a severe hounding, with the customer contributing little to the argument, the Chief intervened and called a halt to the discussion to say that he had reached a decision: The consultant's design was incomplete, the contractor had constructed it incorrectly and the supplier (us) were a convenient scape-goat. The consultant must complete his omission, the contractor will fix the construction. At their own cost. And that the meeting was over.

Both consultant and contractor were wary of us from then on.

[cob2018]

Worth the read just for the turn of phrase

Have a bonus one for "enough changes in direction to require a Dramamine prescription" today. -->

[Blackjack]

This was really tame by BOFH standards.

Was he making an instructional video on the side or something?

[Herby]

6-Sigma (seconf time around)

I once (this dates me!) worked on a Sigma 5 computer. Does that almost count. Sigma 7 was another computer in the line, is that better??

[The Oncoming Scorn]

Apparently I'm Cheap.....

"And the latest price check on staff loyalty is a meat lovers pizza...:

[Fr. Ted Crilly]

Don't just stand there doing something, think!

[Atlantic Roller]

“Coloured”, not “colored” please.

Just saying.

[Kuang]

Zen and the art of website obliteration.

During a stint working for a local authority I was made redundant and then taken back on in a specialist advisory role to the safeguarding teams. I wanted to set up an information page on the intranet for the guidance and background information I wanted them to have fast access to, but was repeatedly knocked back by the web team. After a few weeks of pushing for reasons and getting nowhere, I ended up venting at a senior manager I got on well with, but who wasn't connected to my project.

He told me that the council had spent a fortune on consultants to improve the public-facing website, and that had feature-crept its way towards the intranet. The consultants had quite a surprising mantra:

"Lack of content is king"

I wish I was joking. Their argument was that everything needed to be streamlined down to the bare bones because the existing website confused people, which I had some sympathies with, but the problem wasn't the amount of information; it was that it wasn't written with the public in mind, and read like departmental infodumps designed to cover backs. On top of that, the search function's default behaviour for multiple terms was OR instead of AND, so it was impossible to refine your search in a way a normal human might.

I pointed out that, by their own standards, no website at all would be the best website, but as I was facing redundancy again I decided not to care and spent the next couple of months getting paid to look for a new job instead.

Epilogue: I tried to find their 'school closures due to snow' page the other day. Failed.

[Anonymous Coward]

Matix Manager?

Is that not the manager style where the manager dress in long leader coats (late 1990s style) with sun glasses and asking do you wand the red or blue pill?