An Associate Lecturer in Mathematics, on his fourth fixed-term contract, has his boiler break down. The flat is freezing, so he calls an emergency plumber.
The engineer arrives, eyes the “Landlord Special” boiler, and gives it one sharp tap with a spanner. The flame kicks in.
The mathematician is relieved - until the engineer’s tablet buzzes.
“Right, that’s £380 for the call-out, mate.”
“Three hundred and eighty pounds?!” the academic sputters. “That’s half my monthly take-home pay!”
“Jesus. Where do you work?”
“At the university.”
“Tough gig. Listen, mate,” says the engineer, “come work for us. We handle service contracts for all the big suppliers. You just drive about, hit a few pipes - you’ll clear six grand a month, easy. Just get your ACS cert, it’s a week’s course. Honestly, it’s a joke. Oh, and don’t mention the PhD - they’ll think you’re a flight risk.”
The mathematician does it. Within a year he’s paid off his student loan, bought a house, and almost forgotten what a Fourier transform is.
But then the firm gets bought by a private-equity group in Dubai. New management announces a mandatory Efficiency and Compliance Day to “standardise best practice.”
The entire workforce is herded into a hotel conference room off the M1.
The first session: Core Numeracy for Service, run by a 24-year-old management consultant.
“Right, team!” she chirps. “Let’s touch base on the fundamentals. To maximise routing efficiency, we need to understand flow rates. So let’s start simple. Perhaps you, sir,” she says, pointing to the mathematician, “could come and write the formula for the area of a circle?”
He gets up, goes to the whiteboard, and his mind goes blank. He begins deriving it from first principles.
He fills the board with integrals. Wipes it. Fills it again. Finally arrives at minus pi r squared.
The minus sign bothers him. He wipes it clean and starts over - this time in polar coordinates. Again: -πr².
He turns to the room, defeated.
The hungover Gas Safe engineers, all scrolling through booking.com for their next holiday, whisper in perfect unison:
“Change the limits of integration…”